Mother in Law Issues!! AIBU??(114 Posts)
Long time lurker, first time poster but I just need to rant!
My husband and I have been married for a few years and together for under a decade. We have, on the whole, a very happy marriage. We had a baby last year and she completes our family. All sounds great doesn’t it?.....
Now the problem is my mother in law (and my husband!) Throughout our time together, my mother in law has shown little interest in me (one year I received a dead plant a week late for my birthday!) She never came round to our old house - maybe 5 times in 5 years, although my husband did go to his parents house sometimes too. His parents have made derogatory remarks about my background and much much more - I could honestly be here all day! My husband has relied heavily on my mum for everything over the years which she has been fine with and she has also looked after our dog while we both worked. His own parents have never offered to help us out in any way (apart from some money when my husband’s grandparents died - which we were obviously very grateful for!) His mother is so hard to describe but she’s basically an oddball! She has said things like my baby thinks shes (MIL) her mum and other bonkers stuff. They have helped to look after their other grandchildren (his sisters) for many years but I have disagreed with what has been allowed (underage drinking - VERY underage! lack of any discipline, lying to my husbands sister about things that have happened to the kids) . They looked after our dog for the first time ever for one of the nights when I was in hospital and he came back the next day with a pus filled hole in his side and no explanation to how it has happened - just as an example!
When I had my own child, I, of course, allowed his parents to come over (they live v local) but they came 5/6/7 times a week, every week for the first few weeks. Obviously this was a major shock to the system! My husbands mum asks me to make her cups of tea or to feed the other grandchildren (I had nearly died in childbirth so wasn’t feeling great!) and she hasn’t offered any help, just ‘you get on with your jobs, I’ll hold the baby’. She even snatched the baby out of my arms. She always asks how things affect my husband but never me! This upset me but thought the intensity would stop in time.
From then on my husband has been constantly asked what days and what times they will be having the baby ALONE! My husband said to them, after I asked him, to tell them they can’t come 5 times a week and to give me some time. They continue to pester all the time but I do not need them to have my baby when I am not there as I enjoy being with my baby and we are always together. If I have anything planned, the baby goes to my mums as I trust her so much more. His mum has now started sending passive aggressive texts like ’i will come to yours, but don’t worry, I will wait on the doorstep and not come in’. My husband thinks she’s being genuine and doesn’t want to disturb us but I disagree! They do see the baby at least once a week but I like myself or my husband to be there as I don’t trust them alone at the moment but this has caused arguments between myself and my husband. He can’t understand why I don’t trust them but my reasons aren’t getting through to him! AIBU?
There’s so much more that has gone on but don’t want to bore everyone and obviously I’ve been a bit vague to hide my identity!
Can anyone give me some advice too please? Thanks
Be up front with her? “I’m a new mum and I don’t yet feel able or comfortable leaving my baby. I’m grateful for your support and visits but I want to bond with my baby and spend time getting confidence with DC on my own”
Not entirely honest so to offend but clear in message?
My parents in law live 500metres from us and have only come to our house twice, only met our 2 month old once here and are generally odd and hard work
Thank you ButtonandPickle!
For those of you who think I’m being unreasonable, can you tell me why you think so? I’m really wanting to get this sorted and really value all opinions
Just say you enjoy spending time and bonding with your baby and you aren't ready to leave them yet.
If pushed, you could say you think their parenting style clashes with your own and that allowing grandchildren to drink underage/ other examples and not letting your SIL know what has happened makes you feel very uncomfortable. It has the benefit of being 100% true, but may ruffle feathers.
Oh no! Lost my vote counter as I accidentally pressed x! Any way of getting it back? Thanks
Can’t you see how it looks to your MIL? You allow your mother to have the baby but not her. Of course that is going to cause upset.
Why don’t you trust her?
Reading comprehension for god's sake she said why in her post
Well @NoSauce I think it could be the way her MIL behaves. That she has acted irresponsibly with other grandchildren and lied to their parents (her own daughter) about it. That she ignores her DIL, OP, right up until she has a child. She then baby hogs and has a newly postpartum mum run around doing chores and playing host virtually every day for the first few months of the baby's life.
I think those are REALLY good reasons to not trust her or want her to babysit. Don't you?
What dont you trust? Your child is what, a year old? She's asking you to let her have some time on her own with your baby - its not about leaving your baby as you accept that you're willing to leave her with your own mum, so whats the difference? I think you need to be able to articulate why you dont trust her.
She has allowed children to drink alcohol in the house and one of grandchildren has been found with a vape pen and she didn’t tell his mum (he Now smokes weed ). There has also been a lot more but like I said I’m being a little vague. If my mum was the same, I honestly wouldn’t allow her to have the baby. My husband has even said he wouldn’t allow his parents to look after the dog like my mum does so perplexes next why he thinks they can look after the baby. Think my argument is more - why have I got to leave my baby with them when I don’t want to just to make them happy? I don’t really do anything like going out as the baby is under a year etc so it’s not like I’m leaving the baby with my mum all the time. Do you see what I mean?
No problem @MIlissues2020 - she has behaved in a very disrespectful and overbearing way. She is now trying to play the victim and emotionally manipulate / bully you and your DH into letting that slide.
Babies are exciting, that's fine. But she needs to tone it down and listen to what you and your DH want and what works for you.
Do you have any specific concerns about looking after your baby? Obviously under age drinking and discipline arent applicable to a baby or toddler. I'd talk to her about things you're concerned about eg ask her if she would always put the baby to sleep on her back, would she be happy leaving weaning til 6 months, will she always use a car seat etc. If she says no dont be daft it was fine to put rusks in their bottle at 12 weeks and dismisses you, you can then say to your husband 'I dont trust her with the baby as she thinks it's ok to give her food 3 months earlier than recommended which is a choking and health risk and she isn't listening to my reasons' for example which will go down a lot better than ' I dont trust your mum because she is generally odd and comes round too much'
Does no one RTFT or the OP anymore? OP very clearly articulates why she is not comfortable leaving her baby with her MIL. Why do some PP keep asking this?
@OoohTheStatsDontLie thanks! I have tried to say things like this. When the baby was 3 weeks old, she asked if the baby could sleep at her house!!! The baby has never slept out yet and she’s 7 months. But she put my husband in his own room at 2 weeks so it just irks me that’s she’s trying to ‘play mum’ with my baby. Sounds petty I know
@NoSauce I think she doesn't trust her because if the dog could come back injured without any explanation, then she's proven she can't be responsible?
Just tell her then? I mean what else can you do? Tell her you don’t trust her and the reasons why.
Perhaps a few hours out with MIL and baby? Just a coffee somewhere?
I mean a few hours out with you there as well.
No, honestly, i dont get it. You dont HAVE to do anything you dont want to, of course you dont, but if its causing tension, you need to resolve it. Unless you genuinely think your MIL would harm your baby, she's as much a part of your husband's family as she is a part of your family.
When a woman has a new baby she does not have to explain or justify why she has her baby close, breastfeeds, doesn't want people imposing on her.
A new baby is not a village toy.
New mothers should not have to justify to people they are not close to , why they don't want them all over their babies.
People need to back off and leave new mothers alone.
Good luck OP 💐
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