To think this is not under eating

[Buzzzlightyear]

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

[Buzzzlightyear]

Sorry that was long and ranty - this is now happening every time I see them

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Why are you letting them get into your head?

If you're happy with the size you are, and the amount you eat, it's got bugger all to do with them.

They're just crap at self-control and trying to make YOU feel bad for it. I couldn't be arsed with that to be honest. Either call them out on it, or find some healthier friends who are happy with you being the way you are.

[PurpleDaisies]

Mumsnet is a funny place when it comes to eating. Often people with eating disorders post innocuous looking threads looking for reassurance that how they’re eating is fine.

Their behaviour is really strange on the face of it. I wonder if there’s more back story.

[isseywith4vampirecats]

this is just part of being naturally slim I get it all the time, I bet you don't eat, yes I do I just reply I could probably eat you under the table if I wanted to I just choose not to don't let it get to you

[Gertrudesgarden]

I've heard this called "fit shaming" online. Buy a cheaply one piece suit and rock it! You'll still look slim and fit no matter what you wear in the pool, but they can't argue if you've done what one snowflake asked....

[Geekster1963]

My MIL is always commenting on how much/little I’ve eaten really annoys me so I get were you are coming from.

[FarTooSkinny]

When they comment on what you eat just say “that’s why you’re fat and I’m not”. That’ll close down the discussion.

[theendoftheendoftheend]

@PurpleDaisies what?

[BanSprouts]

Are you really slim? Do you think they are genuinely concerned about your weight? Not that it would make their constant comments acceptable but I was just wondering? My mum is a UK size 4 and hardly eats and people will often comment on it out of concern. The bikini thing is a bit strange, I'd probably just say that you only have bikinis and don't really want to invest in a swim suit just for a one off trip to the spa.

[Areyoufree]

They're not judging you, they think that you are judging them, and are getting defensive. To be fair to them, society is extremely judgemental towards people who are overweight, and I think this shared experience is something they have bonded over. This puts you on the outside, unfortunately. There's not really anything that you can do about it.

However, I would put my foot down about the two piece swimming costume. I hate one-pieces, and I hate the sexualisation of two pieces - the idea that you only wear them to be sexy, and that therefore by wearing one, you think that you are sexy. I like them because they are far more practical. You can mix and match them. They are easier to go to the loo with. Easier to change into / out of on the beach etc. More comfortable. I don't wear them to "flaunt" myself.

[Buzzzlightyear]

There’s no back story. I can’t even think what possible back story would excuse their comments. It’s hurtful and makes me paranoid that they’re talking about me when I’m not there. Imagine I said to them oh it’s so lovely to see you not eating.

I have slim friends too but these are my closet and I love them. Their good far outweighs this but obviously this thread is specifically about this issue

[ComtesseDeSpair]

The running, well, I can sort of understand. I run, and I run fast, but I probably wouldn’t start talking about how I’m on track to beat my PB of 1:28 at the Brighton Half in six weeks time amongst overweight friends or colleagues who have just started doing couch to 5k and are probably still miserably puffing around the park feeling demoralised because it’s so hard.

The rest - particularly eating and wearing a bikini. You have to tell them and tell them firm that you love them and support them but they make you feel awkward and self-conscious when they comment on what you eat, and it’s really not on to tell you not to wear what you want because they can’t. If they’re genuinely good friends they should be able to hear it and realise that whatever their own insecurities, it’s unfair to make you compensate for them. And if they comment on finishing your meal, again, firmly speak out: “guys, it simply isn’t true, I often finish my meal, if I don’t it’s because I’m just not hungry, but it really makes me feel awkward when you comment on my eating so I’d really appreciate it if we could all just stop looking at each other’s plates and just enjoy our dinner.”

[Buzzzlightyear]

I’m not too slim - I’m a size 8-10. I’m healthy and when I’m with another group of friends my figure is the norm. If they’ve had a concern about my health they haven’t mentioned it to me.

[Retroflex]

Just putting this thought out there...

Q. What would be the difference between a bikini, and one of the new "cut out style" swimming costumes?
A. Very little! It may or may not cover your bellybutton, depending on the style.

Wear what you feel comfortable in! If they don't like looking at your figure, then that's their issue to deal with, not yours!

[Camomila]

Thats so weird, especially as you've known each other for such a long time. You'd think in 15+ years they'd know if you had food issues or just a small appetite.

Your pizza amount sounds perfectly normal to me! I'd eat half a pizza and a pudding too (don't like any of the sides)

[Retroflex]

Oh and as for "Imagine I said to them oh it’s so lovely to see you not eating." I would definitely tell them that every time they say to you that it's lovely to see you eating or congratulations, you've finished a meal, it hurts, just like you'd imagine above statement would to them!

[Grumbley]

That would be annoying, to be honest I did similar when I was overweight, which I feel really bad about and understand now how irritating it must have been. I would make comments to make myself feel better and like me eating a lot more than I needed was justified as my slimmer friends were depriving themselves. Now I know that's not the case at all!

[Funguy]

Is this a stealth boast? Because it does sound like one.

[Tighnabruaich]

I don't think you should let them police what you wear at the spa, just because they may be too self-conscious to wear a bikini. That's just ridiculous. Won't they be made to feel awkward by the other women clients who will be there?
As for the constant comments about eating, just tell them - please stop commenting, you're making me feel awkward.
If you are all so close, then they should be able to accept your point of view.

[user1493413286]

I used to get comments like this from women I worked with; it got to me to the extent that I purposefully wouldn’t eat around them and it still bothers me years on (in part because I wish I’d said something) but also because if I’d commented that they ate a lot etc then I would have looked like a right cow

[midnightmisssuki]

This is thin shaming. People would be mortified and up in arms if you do it to a bigger person, you should call them out on it. I’ve had this ALL my life. It’s bloody annoying. Imagine if you said something like ‘so good to see you not fishing that whole pizza etc’ - you would be taken apart. This is no different.

[Buzzzlightyear]

Funguy - yeh I’m totally bragging.

[DonPablo]

You've got to tell them! Hey, what's with the weirdness around my food. I don't like it, it's hurtful, actually, so I'd like it if you stopped.

And chat to them about it a bit. They're your friends, you should be able to have a conversation about this.

[FromEden]

Get a one piece but with cutouts so that its practically a bikini, that will have them raging

Seriously though, your friends are being dicks. Just because you are slim doesn't mean it's ok to shame you about it.

[74NewStreet]

What PurpleDaisies said. There’s clearly far more to this than you’ve said, op.