To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.(717 Posts)
My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.
Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.
Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.
I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.
Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.
The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.
Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.
She looked furious and stormed off.
But I’m not BU am I ?
Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?
That’s not normal behaviour is it?!
She wouldn't like it at my house, I can tell you that!
It sounds like perhaps you could have broken it to her a bit more gently, like saying "to be honest Janet we'd love to have little Billy to play but I don't think you'd allow it given what you've told me before about X's house". Maybe she has OCD or some kind of anxiety around her child's health.
YANBU to tell her though. Her poor son.
YADNBU. Well done for not skirting around the issue and telling her straight. It sounds like you’ve been friends long enough that you’d be doing her a disservice if you muddled around it.
If she was talking about houses that were filthy then maybe she’d have a point but it sounds like she judges just general mess and wear and tear. She’d hate it at mine! (So does my mother )
I don’t doubt she’s probably upset and annoyed now but hopefully she’ll have a think about it and either loosen up a little or continue how she is now. Either way I think you’re perfectly within your rights to not have her son over although it’s a shame for him. I wonder how many opportunities to play with friends at their houses he actually gets?
I wonder if the other house had been a real state - shit on the toilet floor and recent big unhygienic stains like animal wee on a filthy carpet type thing.
I totally agree with how you handled it. Straight to the point and no pussy footing about
I'm sitting here with a big grin on my face, truly! Good on you for politely telling her what you think of her thinking she has the right to sit in judgment of other parents' homes as to whether they are sufficiently clean and tidy for her little princeling.
YANBU. Good on you for telling her. You see it on here a lot where people grumble about things but don't address the issue with the actual person involved.
Let the mum moan and huff. Eventually she may see what her actions are doing to her DC. She is alienating him due to her behaviour.
What do the other mums in the group think?
That did make me laugh. YANBU, what a stupid thing for her to say. I feel sorry for her child but she's the one who has done this to him.
Has she not voiced what a lot of us do in our heads? If I wasn’t keen that someone’s house was safe or hygienic then I wouldn’t want my child going to that persons house. Perhaps her standards are a lot higher than i’m thinking of but I think we all make judgements in our heads because we want our children to be safe. I’ve met lovely mums and been to their houses and been surprised at the smell and hygiene of animals or the lack of safety of things like diy equipment left everywhere which for an older child might be ok but I’d know my 5 year could easily start playing with it.
I also think 5 is a tricky age as children are starting to grow up and have play dates without parents there which can be hard when you’re used to being there with your child as is normally the case when they’re younger.
I would have invited her over and then said in a joking way you were worried she’d judge your house.
Who would let their child into a home which they havent checked first for a playdate?
Good for you telling her the reason why you didnt invite her son
I would have let her come and have a look (doesnt everyone do that?) and then take it from there
YANBU. You reap what you sow (sorry for the cliché!)
What do the other mums think? Have they had her and son for a playdate and did their homes pass muster?
Anyone who didn't want to come to my house due to carpet stains wouldn't be welcome to come and inspect it.
And I don't even have carpet stains!
Well done you for calling her out on it but as she is showing you the type of person she is I would batten down the hatches for some sort of reaction from her keep an eye out for your child being ostracised or you being from the group
I don't get it. How come she has never set foot in your place in 18 months time if you are friends? You clearly have done so in her place.
If you had, then surely she'd be happy for her son to come and it wouldn't be an issue? I think you're the one being unreasonable here.
Hmmm I think its a little unfair to take that stance to not include her son. I didn't send my DCs to houses I hadn't been to when they were 5 years old.
Carpet stains? She’s being ridiculous.
If it was something like low hanging curtain cords that a child could accidentally suffocate themselves with, I’d be on her side completely, but saying her son can’t play at a house because of carpet stains is rude ridiculous.
None of the other mums have had him over either.
It wouldn’t even occur to me to stop my son going to the house of another child he was really good friends with just because I hadn’t seen the inside of their house. Off all the boys in this group of friends, my son has been to all of their houses and I have only been inside two of them. I know the moms (and dads) well enough to feel happy that my son would be safe in their care regardless of what their house is like.
As an aside - this mother in question knows where I live and has seen the outside of my house many times and although my house is nothing particularly special it’s not like I live somewhere where she would anticipate the inside of my house being unsuitable for her child.
I could maybe understand it if she didn’t know me well, but we’ve been friends (as have our sons) for 18 months and she still wouldn’t let her son come to my house unless she saw the inside of it first.
I’m pretty sure that my house wouldn’t pass her test and I don’t need her judgements making me feel like crap or make me feel like I should be embarrassed of my home.
You’re a hero OP! I wish I had to guts to tell some mothers what I really think (in a straight to the point way). And no, not normal behaviour on her part.
I don't get it. How come she has never set foot in your place in 18 months time if you are friends?
Because we are only friends through the children. We see each other when we all go out together with the children, days out, parties, sporting activities etc, but it’s not like she’s a personal friend that I would have round for a night in with a film and a bottle of wine etc.
I have been to her house many times....mainly when she’s bought a new sofa, or had a new kitchen, or a new flat screen TV and she has invited me round to see it
Poor little boy
I can see that she would be upset that he isn't being invited to spend time with his friends.
But you were absolutely right on your calling out of snobbery and judgement
If you are accepting invitations to her house, I think it is a bit odd that she would never have been round for a coffee or anything. Has your little boy played at hers?
Do people really inspect each other's houses before they let their kids go round to play?
Wow. Who knew.
And OP no I don't think you've been unreasonable.
People who judge kids friendship worthiness on their parents housekeeping skills PISS ME OFF.
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