Husband "too tired". Am I wrong to be annoyed?

[Gingemum93]

I love my husband dearly but recently am getting irritated by his excuses for why he can't help with our daughter. Tonight was a prime example he went to bed at about 6pm. I am aware that he has done two early shifts at work. But I get up with the baby in the morning and pretty much have to look after her until she goes to bed. Thankfully she is a good sleeper so I no longer get woken through the night. I do however get woken up by my husband going to work for his early shifts and then I can't get back to sleep meaning I am also tired, but I have to stay awake and deal with the baby whilst he can go to bed at whatever time. He got annoyed with me tonight for waking him up when I turned the lamp in the bedroom on so I could get our little one ready for bed. He is starting to get on my nerves with the too tired thing. I understand he works at the moment and I don't but he seems to like to make it a competition and its not we are both tired I just never seem to get a break but as he said once "you're a mum now, you don't get a break" I was definitely not impressed with that one. But is it ok to be annoyed at him or should I just grin and bear it for now?

Ps. Sorry for the really long post. Needed to vent xx

[hungrywalrus]

No it’s fair to be annoyed. It’s his daughter too so why should he be allowed all the rest and you have to suck it up? How will he cope if you go back to work?

[Hoik]

How early is early?

DH gets up at 4.30/4.45am for work as he needs to leave the house by 6am so I do all the mornings with the DC by default then he does them on Saturday while I sleep in (he gets to sleep in on Sunday, sometimes we swap). If anyone wakes up during the night, usually our 10yo, then I see to them as he needs to be up for work then on the weekend he sees to them. For bedtimes we both pitch in unless he is away (he sometimes travels) or is late getting home, DC go to bed one at a time between 7pm and 9pm starting with the youngest.

If he's going to bed at 6pm how are you getting any time together in the evenings without the baby? I'd also be pissed off with the comments about you not getting a break.

You need to sit him down and have a Frank conversation about it - what is working, what isn't working, what support you need, and then ideas of how that can be achieved. He's a parent now too, he's not at liberty to just piss off to bed whenever he feels like it.

[Mrsjayy]

I know you are venting but did you not speak about this before you had a baby with him? He is of course being a selfish arsehole .

[Leeds2]

Can he not give you a break at the weekend, when he doesn't have to go to work the next day?

[2020BetterBeBetter]

Why don’t you have a nice or two in separate bedrooms so you can’t disturb each other and you can both get a bit more sleep?

[ThatsNotMyMeerkat]

how would it go if you sat him down and said, you’re a dad now, you do t get a break?

[Gingemum93]

At the moment he has to leave the house by 5:15 am to get to work for a 6am start but be works shifts so it's only a couple of days a week he does this. His other shifts vary. Tbh we get very little time together as a couple at the moment, I'm hoping once his shift pattern settles a bit it might get easier.

[Cantdoleft]

Wow. You lot are uncaring and always assume the worst of the bloke.

We don’t know what hours he works. Personally, my first thought if he was really that tired but be concern about his mental or physical health. Guess it’s much easier to just label him a lazy git without any real background info though.

[Gingemum93]

Also we cant have separate rooms at the moment as due to financial difficulty we currently are living with family. And before people ask why did we have a baby then we were financially stable until he almost died due to an unexpected illness when I was 20 weeks pregnant so it was a very tough year for us. I will speak to him about it but at the same time I do understand why he's tired I just think its because I'm tired too is why I'm so annoyed.

[billy1966]

OP
He sounds selfish and entitled.

Nip this in the bud by leaving him with his child.

Otherwise this is going to be your life.

He certainly doesn't read as lovable.

Mind yourself, he certainly doesn't.

💐

[Missillusioned]

Ok, normally I would say he's slacking, but hang on - he almost died due to illness less than a year ago? Is that correct? What kind of illness?
It can take a very long time for the body to totally recover after a serious illness and fatigue can be a thing for a very long time. Is he totally well again?

[madcatladyforever]

It concerns me that he doesn't want any interaction with his daughter. I can't imagine being like that with my son if the tables were turned.

[Savannaha]

I'm gonna disagree with the majority on here.

Is he okay? An adult man going to sleep at 6pm and waking up around 5am is very unusual...If this is happening every night then he should have more than enough energy to see him through to much later at night (10/11pm at least I would have thought)

Obviously I don't know what he does for w living, could be manual labour or something very exhausting.

Either way I think you should make sure that he's physically and mentally healthy right now because he gets more sleep than my youngest DC.

And if you're living with family then isn't there someone else to help you if DH isn't well?

[Gingemum93]

He had a twisted bowel that ended up him having surgery so maybe he is still recovering from that in some ways and he does interact with our daughter but only seems to like the fun bits rather than the functional but I don't know if that's maybe just a dad thing. X

[Fairyliz]

Well that was a drip feed. I was going to say he was lazy, but if he nearly died from an illness I would say he is still recovering. If you are living with family can they help out?

[Gingemum93]

Also in terms of family my mother in law works long hours in mental health and my father in law just doesnt do babies so I am mostly on my own. He doesn't sleep like this all the time only recently because of the early shifts. Like I said I think it's just annoying me more because I am also more tired than usual.

[Rosehipbubbles]

It can take a year or more to fully recover and to feel totally normal from a serious illness/ body tramua. I know this for a fact! And it's not always a linear improvement. It might also be worth getting his thyroid check ed as fatigue is a symptom of an underactive one.

[Ginfordinner]

I think it might be worth him maybe getting a blood test. He shouldn't be this tired at 6 pm.

[Gingemum93]

Thank you. I will chat with him tomorrow and get him to the GP just in case we are now so paranoid about something happening again I know he'll be on board about going. Xx

[Hadjab]

I know your knackered, but I think you need to cut him a little slack - he’s getting over a serious illness, and his shift pattern has changed, it’s going to take a toll on him.

[Herocomplex]

It’s a really huge change when you have your first child. Mix in a near death experience, financial problems and moving back in with parents? I think I’d be hiding out in sleep as well.
Can he go and talk to someone? Can you ask your parents or a friend to babysit so you can get some time together? I think you both need some support.

[SarahAndQuack]

I think it is very hard - in an ideal world, you would get far more support from a partner; in an ideal world, he would get support as he recovers.

Seems to me the main thing is communication. Can you talk to him about it - explain how exhausted you are, while also recognising that he is recovering?

It is out of line for him to say you 'don't get a break' because you are mum. That is fundamentally wrong.

Maybe start a conversation by asking how how he wants things to be once he's recovered. I'd expect he'll be wanting to have more energy, etc. But, if he doesn't say he wants to do more childcare, it'd be an opportunity for you to point out that caring for a child more or less alone is hard, and isn't the norm within a couple.

[Gingemum93]

Yeah. I think we will make sure theres nothing serious medically first and if that's clear then I will definitely find someone to take her for a few hours so we can get some us time. Thank you to everyone who's responded I am really grateful xx

[Kiwiorange]

I get you’re tired too. It’s hard having a baby. You really need to work together to try and make it so you both get sat one lay in through the week.

Whilst I don’t think being a stay at home parent is an easy job, the difference is that you can take a break within reason (is not going to bed for 3 hours) or leave things if it’s a particularly bad day.

You can change plans to suit your need. You can’t do this at work. You’re there to work and no one really gives a hoot if you’ve been up all night with the baby.

[ddl1]

I had at first assumed that he was just selfish or assumed that looking after young kids is not the father's job. But now you say that he had a twisted bowel. I know two people who've had that, and it is very painful, frightening, can be fatal without very urgent treatment, and does often take a long time to get over. One of the people I mentioned, though she was fine in the end, had seriously weakened immunity for a while, and was in hospital for 2 months with one thing following another, including bad pneumonia. So this could well explain his exhaustion, and the abnormally long time that he sleeps.