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To find this situation unfathomably & frighteningly weird?

(113 Posts)
AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 18:34:48

I have an 18 month old little girl. Her father was someone I cared about deeply but who turned out to be a quiet sociopathic con-artist.

Long story short, he was super charming, pretended to be this hard-working, sincerely, thoughtful, sensitive & slightly shy guy and pretended to be really into me.

Contraception failure resulted in me getting pregnant. At this point he did a 180 (although cracks in his mask had already just begun to show just before I discovered I was pregnant) and became violent, mentally abusive and openly racist against me. In fact his immediate response to the news of my pregnancy was to put me in a chokehold and rape me.

From there he began ranting about how, yes, he’d pretended we were boyfriend & girlfriend & that he really liked me but that as a Muslim there was no way he’d ever want a child with a non-Muslim or with someone black. Things just got worse and worse and worse & in fact when I posted my first ultrasound scan on my Facebook he called the police & said that revealing my pregnancy amounted to “harassment” and that his family might find out he’s having a baby with “some woman who means absolutely nothing to him.”

First few months we dated we weren’t having sex yet. I have quite old-fashioned views and don’t have sex with many guys. Before him I’d been dating but not had sex with anyone for a long time out of choice. He claimed he himself only ever had sex with people he really cared about and that sex was really sacred to him. We’d also talked about our views on abortion and I’d explained that abortion is not something I’d do. He claimed to feel the same.

Fast forward to me being pregnant and him repeatedly sending me messages saying “I never even cared about you in the first place, lol” and “You were just an alternative to a prostitute”. And “Why would I care about a woman who’s stupid enough to let me fuck her when I’ve not even proposed marriage to her?”

He wrote to me threatening to sue me for refusing an abortion.

Eventually I had to get a restraining order. He then backed off, travelled overseas to an impoverished country & targeted a teenage girl there. He went back a few months later and married her. He’d met her 4 times prior to marrying her & he was “grooming” her while I was giving birth to my child. Six months after marrying this girl (who he’s left in her overseas country and doesn’t live with — he himself lives here in England with his mum) — the girl gave birth to a child that’s supposedly his.

From what I’ve heard he has announced this new child as the arrival of Jesus Christ (I’m actually not joking — he is in psychosis much of the time). Meanwhile he pretends me and his 1st child simply never existed.
However, his bride (who is less than half his age) started emailing me recently. Bragging abut how deeply in love her & my ex are & demanding that my child must “pass” a DNA test so that she and my ex can take her. Presumably she imagines I’d let them “take” my child overseas for visits (there is no way in hell).
This girl also stated that she’s aware he has “abused and harmed loads of women” and that this “makes me feel a bit sad. But what I see today is an amazing man who just want love and happiness and happy family.”
She also added that she’s never met or even spoken to any of his family or friends, that none of his friends/family attended or acknowledged her wedding to him.

I had to block her because her messages were just so weird & she was becoming quite hysterical & seemed emotionally dysregulated.

Am I right in thinking this entire situation is absolutely insane and barely even adds up?

I’m so confused!!!!!

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 18:35:40

Excuse all the typos. There's no way for me to go back and edit it now

Daftasabroom Tue 14-Jan-20 18:39:35

Yes. Get as much distance as you can.

isseywith4vampirecats Tue 14-Jan-20 18:41:20

OMG the further away from this family you stay the better for you I would go totally no contact with both of them and get on with bringing up your daughter with love and keep her well away from these nutters

Sagradafamiliar Tue 14-Jan-20 18:44:33

I would hazard a guess that the wife is a fake account. What are the chances of two deluded lunatics targeting you? It's very convenient that she lives abroad out of the way.

Weebitawks Tue 14-Jan-20 18:47:13

Oh god it sound awful. There's nothing to be confused about though, he's a complete pig and you're well rid.

Is his name on the birth certificate?

Stressedout10 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:50:18

Wow that's awful so sorry you've had to deal with this

needanewnamechange Tue 14-Jan-20 18:50:25

I was just about to comment but @sagradafamiliar got there before me yes definitely he's wrote this . How Do you know this 'wife' exists.
Run for the hills he sounds insane . Did you report the rape ?

TheMustressMhor Tue 14-Jan-20 18:54:20

That is obviously him. He has created a fake account.

And yes, it is awful and frightening.

Did you report the rape? If not, do you feel that you might be able to?

So sorry you've been through all this.

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 18:55:06


at first I suspected him but, no. The day the first of these emails arrived the ex was apparently in London (my cousin actually saw him here). The IP info from the email showed it was sent from the girl's home country. PLUS all her emails were in French, which I speak fluently but the ex is unable to speak or understand.

The fact that she was happy to marry someone in such circumstances (never having even spoken to anyone who knows them etc) suggests she may not be the most emotionally-stable person out there so it's not surprising that she, too, is behaving weirdly.

I don't think either of them can contact me now as they are BLOCKED

Tombliwho Tue 14-Jan-20 18:56:43

Anyone that voted YABU needs to get themselves some help.
Stay far away from these lunatics. Just keep blocking every interaction. I'm sorry you've had such a horrific time. I hope life becomes more peaceful for you and they leave you alone.

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 18:56:48


No his name is not on the birth certificate. They'd have to come to register the birth with you for that (if you're not married) and this individual was by then pretending I didn't even exist.

I could technically just pretend he's not the father, but that wouldn't work if for some reason he tries to enforce a DNA test at some point

Isleepinahedgefund Tue 14-Jan-20 18:58:47

AIBU to be incensed/horrified/flabbergasted/incandescent/insert other huge overstatement word about this?

Post is about something perfectly ordinary

Sagradafamiliar Tue 14-Jan-20 18:59:02

In that case, I'm glad you've blocked them both. Whether the new wife is genuine or someone he's in cahoots with, isn't worth worrying about. You simply can't engage with people like that.

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 18:59:14


Thank you.
Being involved with someone as frankly unhinged as he is meant he constantly managed down my expectations of what is normal and acceptable behaviour. As more and more time goes by I'm realising quite how insane the entire situation was and is.

They're blocked and hopefully I'll never hear from either of them again. But who knows?

One of the nuttiest things this girl admitted to was that several of his exes have contacted her to warn her!!!!!! I think she said it's about 3 women who've warned her and expressed concern for her safety.

dramaticpenguin Tue 14-Jan-20 19:04:13

@isleepinahedgefund are you ok?? The OP does not seem to be something perfectly ordinary!

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 19:04:48

@TheMustressMhor yes I did report the rape & the police began the process but I eventually told the police I didn't want to continue.

At the time I was pregnant and the stress of the rape investigation was more than I could take -- video interview, having to give permission for my medical records to potentially be viewed by the abuser. It also includes not being allowed to have therapy because the abuser's defence team can gain access to your records with the therapist and comb through them to make sure you've described the rape or any other relevant info in EXACTLY the same wording etc used in your police complaint. I had to give my phone, tablet etc to the police to "download" evidence from and bizarrely that was going to take up to 1 year to process. They didn't even arrest my ex -- they took him in for an interview under caution and then realised him "under investigation" during which time he continued harassing me (there no longer seems to be a police bail system). I was told it could easily take 18 months for the CPS to decide whether to actually prosecute or not. I just couldn't cope with it all.

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 19:05:16

@dramaticpenguin. I was wondering the same thing

whensa Tue 14-Jan-20 19:05:56

OP was your daughter living with you when you were threatened with eviction last September? You didn't mention her living with you at all in that thread.

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 19:06:50

She's lived with me ever since she was born in July 2018. Why?

aroundtheworldyet Tue 14-Jan-20 19:09:11

Sounds totally crazy.
Block and move on. Do you live anywhere near him?

AcrobaticSunflower Tue 14-Jan-20 19:11:36


I've moved and he has no idea where I live now, or at least I hope he doesn't.

aroundtheworldyet Tue 14-Jan-20 19:20:17

Good! Make sure it’s a really awkward distance. You really don’t want it to be easy for him to have access when he eventually finds you. Which he probably will. I mean move abroad if you have to! Or at least 6 hours drive

whensa Tue 14-Jan-20 19:21:34

OP did you just get your old thread deleted? Did it work out ok with your landlord? Just wondering if he lived with you at any point although your OP suggests you weren't living together.

Sarahandco Tue 14-Jan-20 19:24:38

I would stay away from them and maybe let them believe your child is not this man's.

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