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Aibu to go ahead with this?

(56 Posts)
crazycatlady92 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:17:39

I really need some advice please. I've met some one through a co parenting website as I was only looking into different options about possibly having a second child in the future. I'm a single parent and I don't want to bring a partner into my child's home and feel it's safer to stay single until he is much older but I would love another child and give my child a sibling and more family as I haven't any family around and another child would bring us lots of happiness as a family.
I've been talking to the potential father for about a year and met up a few times, he's 28 the same age as me and he seems lovely and said he's happy to go at my pace as I've said only supervised access until the child is much older and he has agreed to this.
I'm scared of doing the wrong thing for my 10 year old and I want to always put my childs wellbeing first. Should I go ahead or is it too much of a risk.

Thedeadwood Tue 14-Jan-20 17:21:02

Your 10 year old will not care about having a baby sibling. A 10 year age gap is a big deal. In 3 year's time, he'll be a teenager and definitely not give a damn about your 3 year old who is keeping your hands full.
Being a single mum is hard, why make it harder for yourself?

Redwinestillfine Tue 14-Jan-20 17:27:07

What does your 10 year old think of this? Is this really for him? I would also be wary of the guy. Make sure you are sure and doing this for the right reasons.

TwitcherOfCurtains Tue 14-Jan-20 17:34:19

* and another child would bring us lots of happiness as a family*

Are you sure? Soon your son will be a teen, he might resent the baby taking all the attention when he needs it himself during his teen years.

How do you think the new child will feel when older about being stopped from having the opportunity to have his father fully in his life?
I know some people don't see an issue with sperm donors for single parents but it can and does cause problems for some of those children.

Nanny0gg Tue 14-Jan-20 17:37:04

I'm 10 years older than my sibling. I left home when they were 9.

I really wasn't interested at the time. We get on ok as adults.

and another child would bring us lots of happiness as a family.

What on earth makes you say that?

Fidgety31 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:38:23

Your 10 year old - probably 11 by the time baby is born - would have nothing in common with its sibling until they are well into adulthood - when the age gap is not so apparent .

I think a puppy might bring more happiness to your existing child than a baby !

thejollyroger Tue 14-Jan-20 17:38:51

I think you are over-thinking bringing a partner into the life of a ten year old. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do if the right boundaries are there.

But as you met on a co-parenting website, does that mean it’s a given that he wants another child?

Does he have children?

And did you really use the words “supervised access” to him?

Pipandmum Tue 14-Jan-20 17:40:11

If it's a co parenting thing presummably the guy with want to actually co parent? Have you thought how that would work?

user1473878824 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:42:30

What everyone else has said, and also you’re only 28. You have so many childbearing years ahead of you and have no idea what is going to happen.

Norma27 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:43:34

I don't have a relationship with my siblings who are 8,9 and 10 years older than me.
My daughter's have half siblings between 12 and 23 years older. Good relationships with them.
Your ds is not bothered now about having a sibling I would have thought.

crazycatlady92 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:45:09

My 10 year old is amazing I know they would love taking baby to park with me, having more family and they say they would like a sibling to me. We have such a close bond and I think even when they were a teenager they would still enjoy their sibling aswell. But I know it's crazy it's so hard I feel like it's not enough for my child just the two of us and it's really very hard to come to terms with not being able to have a second child.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Tue 14-Jan-20 17:45:19

Forgive my ignorance, but what is a "co-parenting" website? Is it like a dating site but specifically for people who want to find someone to start a family with?

user1473878824 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:46:56

But you are able to have a second child! You’ve made a rule, fine, what happens when you meet someone and realise actually you want to spend and share your life with them? Just go oh well I’m a martyr and can’t have any sort of love life because I have a child?

crazycatlady92 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:48:41

I explained to him that I couldn't hand our baby over to him without me knowing him for a few years and also when the child is less vulnerable and can talk and say if there's any problems and he agreed.

eveholt Tue 14-Jan-20 17:48:56

So you'd be tied to a stranger forever? What if he decides he wants to parent completely differently? Could be racist, homophobic etc? I don't understand this concept. This is not the way to have a second child.

thejollyroger Tue 14-Jan-20 17:51:41

Ah. I didn’t realise you were talking about having a baby with a stranger now. Are you in the UK? Do you realise that he will have rights that you can’t supersede?

This is mad.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Tue 14-Jan-20 17:52:45

I explained to him that I couldn't hand our baby over to him without me knowing him for a few years and also when the child is less vulnerable and can talk and say if there's any problems and he agreed.

So you're going to have a baby with a stranger, then once the baby's here you'll spend a few years getting to know them and decide whether they can be trusted? It's all backwards, OP.

If you don't want a DP then wouldn't it be less risky to have a baby with an anonymous sperm donor?

crazycatlady92 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:53:50

I know it's important to have a life too, I work and have friends and my child is very confident and independent but I don't want a relationship with anyone where it would mean living with a partner so I thought this way would be the safest way for my 10 year old and I can keep things stable.

thejollyroger Tue 14-Jan-20 17:54:37

Except that you can’t actually prevent this man seeing his baby once it comes.

Olivia22 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:56:34

I would never ever go for this in a million years!!! I think you should be happy with what you have and maybe just get a dog.

crazycatlady92 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:56:41

Thankyou for making me see sense I know it was mad it's the longing for a second child I feel desperate but I need to come to terms with it and not do something crazy.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Tue 14-Jan-20 17:58:09

Won't this be utterly confusing for your 10yo when his Mum has a baby with a bloke he doesn't even know, who he's told is the baby's Dad but isn't Mum's boyfriend and isn't allowed to be alone with the baby because Mum doesn't really know him either?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Tue 14-Jan-20 17:58:11

A ten year old soon becomes a teen and most want peace and quiet to study and full parental input as they approach exam years.

The reality of a sibling is very different than imagining a trip to the park. Most large age gaps I know have little to do with the younger ones.

I’d also personally worry about modelling having children with someone you don’t know and won’t ever be in a relationship with.

thejollyroger Tue 14-Jan-20 17:58:15

You’re welcome, OP. Seriously, though, it’s not some sort of crime to introduce a step-parent figure into your son’s life. He’s ten, not ten weeks. People do change and relationships change, and you’re still young.

crazycatlady92 Tue 14-Jan-20 17:58:43

I was looking at this was as I wanted the child to have a father over using a donor but I can see how mad it is.

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