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AIBU to tell my 19 year old she has destroyed my mental health?

(200 Posts)
Applepea1 Tue 14-Jan-20 12:38:11

Yeah I know I probably am, she's my daughter, she's a teenager, she's vulnerable. But for the last few years everything has revolved around her, school issues, friendship issues, anxiety issues, we put everything in to her going to Uni last year and then she didn't go, plan was to save money and go this year. She's saved no money and she's just lost her (dead end) job, apparently because she's no longer needed but I think the persistent lateness, unreliability and rudeness can not have helped. I'm not with her dad and my partner doesn't really get involved. So the last few years I've gone downhill, so much crying and screaming (to myself) I am always a pretty anxious person anyway but now I am thinking about suicide a lot. The only thing stopping me is my younger child, I no longer care much about anyone else.
This afternoon I've scheduled a 'chat about the future'. Should I tell her how I really am or continue to try and be supportive and cry it out later? I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc.

74NewStreet Tue 14-Jan-20 12:53:47

She’s an adult. Technically, yes. But no 19 year old needs to hear they’ve destroyed their mother’s mental health, it’s too much.
She needs to be told, calmly, that she has to be in either work or education if she’s to remain in your home. And be ready to follow through and show her the door if necessary.

ethelfleda Tue 14-Jan-20 12:54:23

Message deleted by MNHQ for quoting a deleted post.

HaggardMumofToddler Tue 14-Jan-20 12:54:26

Message deleted by MNHQ for quoting a deleted post.

newmumwithquestions Tue 14-Jan-20 12:55:00

Sorry you’re struggling so much.
But yes you would be unreasonable.

I would also avoid saying things like you only care about your youngest daughter. That would cut deep to your eldest. Also I don’t think it’s true. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t be bothered what she did.

If you can, support her in the emotions she’s feeling rather than get bogged down in the words she’s using. You can’t force her to grow up (sounds like she needs to!), you can only be there to support her when she’s ready to.

TheMemoryLingers Tue 14-Jan-20 12:55:16

Rachel What a horrible thing to say to someone who has asked for support.

I hope your talk goes well, OP. flowers

JanuaryIsNotTheOnlyMonth Tue 14-Jan-20 12:56:23

Christ, absolutely do not say that to her.

You can say 'I won't tolerate rudeness.'
You can say 'If we're rubbing each other up the wrong way so often, it's probably a sign that you need an independent place to live, now that you're an adult.'
You can say 'You need some plans, however scary that is.'

Was she ever on board with the 'putting everything' into getting through exams and into university, or did she always privately hate the idea, rebelled against it and now is stomping around feeling at a dead end?

RightEarlobeBreath Tue 14-Jan-20 12:56:34

It sounds like she’s drowning in her own struggles and needs help with it. I’d be helping her get support for her own mental health rather than piling on the pressure by telling her she makes you want to kill yourself.

74NewStreet Tue 14-Jan-20 12:56:54

Message deleted by MNHQ for quoting a deleted post.

LIZS Tue 14-Jan-20 12:56:55

She's 19. You cannot make her responsible for your mh or the stress her behaviour has caused. She can only change her behaviour and attitude itself. You can change your reaction to it. Are you perhaps over involved in her future plans and inadvertently pressuring her, could you take a step back. If she wants to go to uni let her do so but her application needs to be in by tomorrow. Have you sought help for your mh?

MrsWednesdayteatime Tue 14-Jan-20 12:57:43

I think it's okay to say to a 19 year old, "when you shout at me, are rude to me and tell me I'm stupid, that effects my mental health"

The other stuff I probably wouldn't go there.

ohwheniknow Tue 14-Jan-20 12:58:03

So her mental health is an issue and has been for years?

And you now want to tell her that parenting her as a teen has ruined your life?

Why doesn't your partner help or support you?

Honeybee85 Tue 14-Jan-20 13:00:27

I remember my mum telling me as a young girl that I was destroying her marriage with my dad.
Even after 20 years I can not forgive her and the utter shock on the face of my therapist when I told her about this is something I won’t forget either.

You would be very very unreasonable.

gamerwidow Tue 14-Jan-20 13:01:36

You need to get professional help. It's not unreasonable to be at your wits end but you can't give your DD responsibility for your MH that's really unfair.
You need to step back and let your DD make mistakes but be there to help when she's ready to listen. As hard as it is she is an adult now, you can't force her to make the right choices. You don't have to financially support her if you can't (or don't want to) but you can't force her down a path, even when you know what she is doing is self destructive.

gamerwidow Tue 14-Jan-20 13:04:02

You can say things like 'When you do x this it makes me feel y' but you can't say 'you've done this to me'. They are subtly different statements, one is sharing your feelings and the other is placing blame.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Tue 14-Jan-20 13:05:11

Hi OP

I can see why you would want to do this but it is a bad idea. When you have children you support them 100pc but you expect that gradually to reduce as they become adults and eventually expect your grown up children to show you as much consideration as you show them. But your daughter isn't fully grown up yet, she is still at an age where a lot of people are still studying and acting like younger teens.

I am not sure what it would achieve though. You would tell her and maybe feel you had unburdened yourself, but would she change? Will she just suddenly not have any issues and become independent? I doubt it, she will likely just feel guilty or angry at you for putting your issues on her as well.

Have either of you sought help from the GP or any therapists about your issues?

You would not be unreasonable to say now she is an adult you will gradually be stepping back and giving her back some autonomy and control over her own friend / school / anxiety issues. And you think it will be good for her to have a fresh start and you will help her with a deposit but she either has to get a job and save up for uni or move out within x months.

And you all need to be respectful to each other in your home or she will need to move out within x weeks. That means no (whatever her bad behaviour or rudeness is eg) name calling, swearing, etc and doing fair share of chores

Saddler Tue 14-Jan-20 13:05:17

Time for her to grow up.

Orangeblossom78 Tue 14-Jan-20 13:06:19

My mum told me this when i was that age- my mum and i are now NC

blackcat86 Tue 14-Jan-20 13:06:20

It's fair to discuss her long term plans and how you can support her as her parent. My parents always had a 'everyone who wants to live here works or if in FT education' policy. Its utterly horrendous to consider telling your child (albeit a 19yr old) that she has ruined your MH and that you're suicidal. She's vulnerable and it's your job to hold her up not add to her issues with guilt and shame. It's also your responsibility to go to your GP or A&E if you feel suicidal and seek help for yourself. I would ask yourself who are you wanting to tell her this for? Will it help her (no), will it help you (probably not), will you feel better (probably not), who is it for (you). This wont help your daughter but it will likely make her situation worse

Thymelord Tue 14-Jan-20 13:06:40

I wouldn't tell her, no. I would however sit down and have a proper talk where you tell her that she needs to find a job, stick at it, save up and move out. You wouldn't put up with any other adult treating you so terribly, absolutely no reason you should put up with it from her.

LolalolaLola Tue 14-Jan-20 13:07:10

YANBU to tell her to shape up or ship out.

you would be being unreasonable to tell her she has destroyed your mental health.

My 'father' told me I had ruined his life by being born. You better believe that made me look at him in a different way. Not something you forget when a parent says something like that to you.

SonjaMorgan Tue 14-Jan-20 13:07:22

Don't but I would sit her down and tell her the abusive behaviour needs to stop. Then tell her she needs to get a job, go to uni or look at working full time and move out. She 19, so an adult. Everything you are doing for her is out of love and kindness, you have no obligation to do any of it.

Watermelontea Tue 14-Jan-20 13:07:45

I’d tell her she’s upset you with her lack of direction, and that she is ruining her own life making no positive steps to go to uni or stick at a job.
However, I wouldn’t tell her she’s ruining your MH, that’s a very nasty thing to say.

BorissGiantJohnson Tue 14-Jan-20 13:07:50

God no, don't tell her that now. She's already not coping well with the transition to adulthood, you want to keep things steady and hope she finds her way soon as they often do for 19/20 year olds.
Yanbu to feel that way though. Kids can be so difficult to cope with. Some posters won't understand if they've never had a kid that's really really challenging, alongside being fragile at the time mental health-wise. But I get you op. Just hang in there, you will come out the other side.

malificent7 Tue 14-Jan-20 13:08:13

Yabu...sorry...i know it's tough but she is very young. It will pass.

Bluntness100 Tue 14-Jan-20 13:09:52

No op don t do this. But do see your gp. It does sound like you're suffering from depression or some other mental health issue. The suicidal thoughts, not caring for anyone but your younger child, wanting to devastate your older one, is a sign something is very wrong.

I would urge you to see your gp and talk to them about this.

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