WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

[ConkerGame]

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

[ConkerGame]

Sorry, didn’t mean to allow voting!

[AryaStarkWolf]

I would just flat out say you don't want a baby + her husband on your Hen weekend, it was a really odd suggestion of hers. Tell her you two will go for a meal or something instead

[needsahouseboy]

God no I hate to have a baby at a hen do. This would completely change the atmosphere particularly if her husband was there.
I very much doubt that when the baby is here she would want this either.

[Winegumaddict]

D if she's well and the baby is well I would prefer to have my friend there. However it is your choice. I think if you ask her not to come it would damage your friendship.

[Serenity45]

It sounds like she's a very good friend and is really trying to think of ways not to let you down. I would go with D if it's a decent sized house tbh.

Ad she may feel very differently once the baby's here e.g. she may realise it may not work out as she thought so perhaps let her know that this is OK too (obviously as long as it doesn't leave others out of pocket)

On a side note - her DH is brave!! Mine wouldn't willingly go within 10 miles of a hen do

[OhMeows]

Can't her DH stay in a hotel nearby and she express for daytimes, then go stay overnight with them?

[DefConOne]

I would absolutely not have her husband and baby there. If she is a real friend she wouldn’t expect it. Do something just the two of you instead.

[OnlyLittleMissOrganised]

My little one will be 11 weeks when it is a friends hen party. I was invited but didn't want to leave little one. There was no suggestion or thought I would take him. I suggested meeting up for dinner in our town so I could celebrate with her and I wouldn't have to leave the baby.

[MissMoiselle]

If you change to an earlier date (before baby is born), then she won't be able to join in any sports activities or drinking. If you keep the date, she might be breastfeeding and won't join into any late night drinking. If you say that knowing her, she will be upset about asking you not to come, then don't hurt her feelings. Your hen do is one night, good friends are for life. I am assuming she knows that a newborn changes the dynamics of your hen do, hence bringing husband along.
Could you possibly include some pampering near the country house so she can join in for those activities?

[Ijumpedtheshark]

I went to a country house hen do which included a 8 week old baby and it was fine. The mother looked after the baby and just absented herself from the activities as necessary. We were all about 30 so it wasn’t that crazy and it did not impact on the mood at all. If she’s a good friend I’d let her bring the baby.

[Stayawayfromitsmouth]

To be honest I couldn't have gone on a hen do with my dc1 at 7 weeks old. I could have with dc2. I'd move it to earlier in the year.

[Drum2018]

Not a chance I'd want her baby and Dh there. What a ridiculous idea. Just tell her it won't work having the baby at the hen, but you can go out together yourselves locally on another weekend if she's up for that.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

No. She shouldn't bring the baby, and/or her husband. She's going away to switch off and enjoy her time with you. She won't do that if she has to be near the baby. Breastfed new borns don't tend to have a routine, it's feed as and when they want it. So.. What happens in the middle of the sporty activity and she gets a call to go feed?

I think you should give her the no guilt option of not attending. Suggesting bringing the baby or her husband are both non runners and she must know this. Maybe she's hoping you'll offer her a free pass that means she doesn't have to go.

Book the activities and spread the cost over the hen party minus her. She can be added in as 1 extra, and pay the full amount for 1 extra closer to the day if she feels up to it. She might only be 5 weeks postpartum. She might end up having a section. The baby might not be a good feeder and she finds herself constantly sitting under him/her.

Just no.
Tell her you'd love her to go but you understand it simply might not be possible at the time. So tell her you won't hold her to anything now, and she can see how she feels closer to the time.

[lastqueenofscotland]

I’d really really not want a baby or someone’s DH at a hen do.

[Urkiddingright]

I don’t think changing the date will help at all because she won’t be able to drink and may not be able to take part in the sporting events either.

I think your friend is clearly a good friend who doesn’t want to let you down and I can completely understand your perspective too, a baby would definitely completely change any hen party’s dynamics. The idea of a hen party is to have fun and most often get pissed, not exactly compatible with a newborn baby...

She may have to accept she will miss out on the hen party, we all have to miss out on things once we have children.

[CalmdownJanet]

Anything other than D, definitely do not agree to that, Christ what a disaster. If I paid for a hen I would actually be annoyed if there was a newborn and a husband in the house. I can't believe she even suggested it to be honest

[Neolara]

Is this her first? Once the baby has arrived and reality sets in, I can't imagine for a minute that she will think coming on a hen weekend with a 7 week old (or 5 week old) baby is a good idea. You may just need to give her an easy way to opt out.

[ConkerGame]

@Ijumpedtheshark that’s kind of the point - I’m hoping it will be a bit raucous! (We are also around 30)

[CherryPavlova]

Personally, I think at seven weeks the care of the baby should take precedence over a hen party or being bridesmaid. There is no knowing how things will pan out so planning is ridiculous. Sticking poor husband in a hotel room to trot out as needed seems a bit silly too. By the time he arrived the poor infant would likely be beyond distressed.

[ConkerGame]

@Neolara no, it’s her second. She took her first to a wedding at 8 weeks so she’s basing it on that I think

[SemperIdem]

Hopefully her husband will at least veto it the idea of him attending too which might make her rethink

[JasonPollack]

So who will look after her first or is she bringing them too?!

I think you should just tell her that it's a lovely idea but you don't really want her husband/baby there, it will change the vibe etc. Then leave it to her to say it isn't workable and she can't come. If you're upset about that and really want her there then change the date.

[Hoik]

Is she trying to reassure you that she will definitely be there because shes worried that you might feel at down if she isn't? She may be privately thinking along the same lines as you about not wanting a newborn at the hen party but doesn't know how to back out without upsetting you.

I wouldn't flat out say you don't want her to go if the baby has to go too but maybe gently give her an 'out' by saying you completely understand if she can't go, that she should enjoy time with her baby and that there will be lots of opportunities for weekends away in future, and suggest an alternative 'mini-hen' closer to home for just the two of you.

[SproutMuncher]

I think it is touching she wants to make that level of effort to come but I think it will be a disaster. A wedding with a baby and a hen do are very different.

Is it a one night hen do or a two night one? Are you staying in on either evening? Could you compromise she comes for one evening and night and you have the other one adults only?

[Grumbley]

No, no, no. I would celebrate seperately with her at somepoint, but probably not as a hen just as a woo I'm married and a woo I'm a mum again type of thing after. Please don't ruin your hen by having her baby and husband there.