AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

[confusedandsleepy]

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

[Topseyt]

You can't force that. It is totally her choice. If she wants to keep her own surname then she absolutely can do that.

The purpose of getting married is to legalise and formalise your partnership. Not to make someone change their surname. They don't have to change it at all.

[sunshineandshowers21]

i think yabu. i’m getting married this year and i will not be changing my surname. my surname is mine, it’s part of me and my history, and i don’t want to lose that. we’re still a family, even if we don’t share the same name - our kids do because we double barrelled, but it doesn’t make me any less part of the family because my name is different.

[vacayonmymind]

She already has a surname. Why don’t you change yours if it’s important you have the same?

[Mintjulia]

Yabu. Changing someone’s name is fundamental to some people’s identity. It has to be something she WANTS to do.
I’d leave it rather than make a big fuss. She may come round in time.

[Yeahnah2020]

Yes you are. How about you take her surname if you want everyone to have the same name, or would that be too imasculating for you?

[frazzledasarock]

Why don’t you change yours and your dd’s To your partners when you’re married. I’m sure she’ll be utterly thrilled.

[EBearhug]

I'm with those saying if it's that important to you, change your name to hers.

[Purpleartichoke]

If it’s important to you, change your name.

[Ladybirdbookworm]

yeahthat's a bit harsh
How do you know that it's a man asking this question?
I took my DH surname without a thought but times have changed - However I can totally understand you wanting your family to all have the same surname. What about making it double barrelled.

[Topseyt]

As others have said too, you can change your name to hers. Contrary to what some people seem to believe, there is no law stating that either partner must change their surname. Or whether it is the woman or man who does.

Her surname is part of her identity and has been for all of her life (I assume) so far.

[sobeyondthehills]

yep agree with PP change yours and your daughter name to hers

[userabcname]

Yabu. Change yours if you don't like it.

[Thoughtlessinengland]

Super easy. You think as a married couple you should have the same surname? Cool. Take her surname and change your daughters surname. Job done.

[Helpfullilly]

I think you need to consider WHY it is important to you she takes 'your' surname.

Would you take her's, and if not, why not?

Because it's not the done thing? It's traditional? How other people might regard you? To stake a claim she is yours now and belongs to no other? Because you don't consider her surname as belonging to her but on loan from another man?

What if she was insisting you change your name to hers or expressed hurt feelings about it and it was expected of you by society, when you didn't like the sound of it? How would you feel? Would it seem fair or nice?

I think if you follow your logic and hurt feelings you might find some sexist thinking you didn't realise you had. I'm not saying that to judge you, I think it's just one of those things that can sneak up on you or easily be absorbed as it's not something you'd often have cause to critically consider.

A name is a massive part of someones identity. Women have fought hard for the right to choose due to this. It's a decision she needs to make for herself. You don't have a right to a view, because it's not you who has to live with having a new name you will not enjoy.

It's not about you, or symbolic or accepting or rejecting you or anything else, but herself and her right to decide as fundamental aspect of how she interacts with the world and her own self image.

[Autumnsloth]

Why don't you chance yours? YABU it's her name and her choice

[LolalolaLola]

yabu

[THEDEACON]

yabvu it is totally up to your wife to be what she calls herself

[1300cakes]

Is this real? Seems too obvious.

If it's that important to you, change your name. And if tradition is important to you, why do you already have a child?

[asprinklingofsugar]

YABU

[Ohtherewearethen]

YANBU to want your wife-to-be to change her name, you can want all you like. YABU if you try to pressure or guilt her into doing it because you want her to.

[BillHadersNewWife]

YABU. Why should she have your name? That's part of a really old and pointless tradition which dates back to the times when women literally belonged to their Father and then their husband. She's not 'yours' so doesn't need the 'protection' of your name.

[katy1213]

Yes, you can change your name if you're that bothered. Or would you not like to obliterate your own identity?
Funny, neither do most women these days!

[ElluesPichulobu]

yabu and unimaginative.

if you don't fancy changing your surname to hers then you don't have a leg to stand on for suggesting she might do the same.

another possibility would be to come up with an entirely new surname that takes elements from both surnames which symbolises the creation of a new family.

or invent an entirely new surname and change your own surname to KeepYourSurname-NewSurname double barrelled and hers to KeepsHerSurname-NewSurname likewise, and your DC have their surname as just that new name.

[AndAnotherNameChanger]

Yabu

[Nancydrawn]

I didn't take my husband's surname.

I just didn't think the wedding changed me more than it changed him.