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To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

(279 Posts)
InappropriateAdult Sun 12-Jan-20 22:17:53

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

justbeingelle Sun 12-Jan-20 22:19:11

Only after this weekend? hmm I agree with your assertion that your brother is a twat.

londonrach Sun 12-Jan-20 22:20:17

If i was your dp i wouldnt baby sit this weekend. Dbroth acting as a toddler stepping his foot. No over night stairs from now onwards! Yanbu

Babooshkar Sun 12-Jan-20 22:21:16

What a guy... 🙄

thepeopleversuswork Sun 12-Jan-20 22:22:03

Your brother is an entitled arse. And by the sounds of it he's bloody lucky they do any childcare for him.

My dad is in his 80s and has never once done any childcare of any sort for my DD. I might occasionally fantasise about him doing so but never in my wildest dreams would I presume to think it was my entitlement, let alone go round and shout at him about it.

Babynut1 Sun 12-Jan-20 22:22:13

If I was your parents I would withdraw all offers of childcare “for a period of reflection”
They’ll soon come running when they need childcare again.

Your brother sounds like an entitled arse! DH and I haven’t had a night together for 14 months!

JayAlfredPrufrock Sun 12-Jan-20 22:22:45

This must be a joke surely?

If not I presume your parents will be withdrawing their babysitting for this weekend and allowing your DB time to reflect on his outburst.

rookiemere Sun 12-Jan-20 22:22:45

Wow - do you think he was telling you in the hope that you pick up the mantle?

pallisers Sun 12-Jan-20 22:23:03

Jesus christ he is horrible. 4 overnights a year is amazingly generous.

He is a bully. they need to stand up to him. Personally if he was my brother I'd get involved and tell him how outrageous he is being - but I suspect that won't end well.

SnugStars Sun 12-Jan-20 22:23:11

Is your brother aware your Mum is missing so much sleep when the kids stay? I’d be telling him what a selfish prick I thought he was if I were you. How dare he!

vdbfamily Sun 12-Jan-20 22:23:30

Do you get on with your brother well enough to tell him what an entitled brat he is being? Does he understand that your mum is worried she would not hear them at night? My youngest brother expects huge amounts from my parents and yet it's constantly ride and sarcastic to them. I am hearing myself up for a confrontation next time I hear it happen. I absolutely hate when people use their children as pawns to manipulate. Hideous behaviour. YADNBU.

Catapillarsruletheworld Sun 12-Jan-20 22:23:35

Your brother is a dick.

My parents have had my kids once in 15 years! My in-laws have had them more, but I’d never expect them too if they weren’t happy with it!

SlB09 Sun 12-Jan-20 22:24:05

Without knowing the ins and outs yes this seems incredibly unreasonable. Grandparents are not a given babysitting service and anything they do offer is a bonus, it's extra help not an entitlement.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo Sun 12-Jan-20 22:24:16

Your brother is an arsehole. No way would I be looking after his kids this weekend, the cheeky twat!

Period of reflection?! His entitlement is staggering!

Tell the CF and SIL to sling it!

Where are her parents in this, do they help with childcare too?

Scarydinosaurs Sun 12-Jan-20 22:24:29

Your poor parents.

Cherrysoup Sun 12-Jan-20 22:25:34

Your dh is taking the piss, big time. What a fucking entitled wanker! I hope your parents told him to piss off this weekend. And I bet he comes crawling back needing more childcare. Your poor parents. Can you speak to him and tell him he’s a twat?

DelphiniumBlue Sun 12-Jan-20 22:25:42

He sounds pretty much what you say, but have you spoken to him? If you think your parents are in the right, speak to him and tell him that. Ask him if it's true that he's threatening them with no contact, and remind him about your Mum's deafness.
I think 4 overnights a year is plenty, but it depends very much on individual circumstances. If his inlaws are having them as well, and you help out too, then that's a lot of overnights. If only your parents are doing it, then I can see he might want more, although he's not going about asking for it very nicely.
Most of us make/made do with a lot less, but there are grandparents who take the children for a week or more at a time; if he's comparing your family to those , then 4 nights a year doesn't sound like a lot.
But he's not entitled to any nights at all - anything they provide should be viewed as a bonus.

Fightingmycorner2019 Sun 12-Jan-20 22:25:56

He’s an arsehole

CrocodileFrock Sun 12-Jan-20 22:26:12

"He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship"

That sounds like an oddly specific period of time. Has he perchance booked another holiday for then and is hoping that your parents will be falling over themselves to babysit because he's deigned to speak to them again? hmm

PoppyFleur Sun 12-Jan-20 22:26:31

Your brother is behaving appallingly however, it is up to your parents to address this. In your parents situation I would be tempted to push back against this weekend because of their own need for a 'period of reflection'.

Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily Sun 12-Jan-20 22:29:10

As someone who gets absolutely no help from anyone, ever. He is being a bellend and all offers of childcare should be removed so he knows how hard it is to actually not have help, maybe after a year or two he will show some appreciation and humility. Only then should be be trusted with a trial period of help and childcare. YANBU x

InappropriateAdult Sun 12-Jan-20 22:29:36

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, you are all 100% correct about my brother. He bullied me growing up and I fear he's now started the same with my parents now they are older and more vulnerable.

I've told my parents that he is being outrageous and, in the strongest possible terms, to just stop providing any overnight care at the very least. They are thinking about it. I had a thought that I might show this thread to them (though my mum will probably faint with some of the language grin ) to make them realise it's him and not them. He tends to use the "everyone else is saying this about you" line to make them feel that they are the problem sad

raspberryk Sun 12-Jan-20 22:31:22

That seems very unreasonable and a massive overreaction on your brothers part seems like a CF... but regarding the overnights it seems like a bit of a crap excuse, late 60's isn't old, at 4 and 8 they're unlikely to need anything in the night and if they do they are old enough to seek an adult. Plus presumably your dad isn't deaf?
I do sometimes get frustrated at the "lack" of grandparenting from my ex in laws and my own parents when I look back at how much I was with my own grandparents and I know how much time my x spent with his. However I recognise that my children are my responsibility and not theirs.

ukgift2016 Sun 12-Jan-20 22:32:41

Yes he is behaving extremely childish BUT I can understand his frustration. Your parents are having the grandchildren at a minimum, yes it's their choice and right but still it is sad.

My daughter is deaf in one ear so please do not use partial deafness as a reason why your mother couldn't look after the kids overnight.

worldlywhys Sun 12-Jan-20 22:33:38

WOW your brother is ungrateful. What I wouldn't give to have parents near that could spend ANY time with their grandchildren. Some people 🙄

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