Talk

Advanced search

Sister, niece, and the new boyfriend

(78 Posts)
RossPoldarksWife Tue 07-Jan-20 12:22:11

Until recently, my mum, sister and her family lived a considerable distance from me. In the last 3 years I have holidayed near them. So I can see my mum for two weeks and I pick my niece up to holiday with us and our daughter , both 15yrs.
My step dad died in Feb last year. Mum made the decision to move back home to where the rest of our family are. She’s been here since July.
Sister is divorced for couple years, and has to sell family home. She’s coming home too.
In Dec 2018 my niece had to move schools, she was due to start her GCSE in Sept 2019. She wanted to come here, start school and stay with me until her mum moved up. Sister was adamant no. Even though it would mean starting one school then moving to another in say a year.
Then her new boyfriend starting being more of a regular thing. Niece does not like him. Did not help him slapping her on the bottom the first couple of times he visited. He swears a lot. Niece face timed her cousin lot. So I would hear what was upsetting her and would try to smooth things over.
Suddenly in Feb 2019, sister decides that niece can come up. Will I sort out school etc. Niece is to move in with mum, until sister moves up.
So, roll on 6mths, niece extremely happy, mum loves her new home etc.
Sister announces that boyfriend will be moving in and coming with them when they move. Niece very upset, her mum knows she does not like him. Feels like she has been shipped out of the way, so boyfriend can move in. Sister won’t talk to niece about it. Says she’s 50yrs old and can make her own decisions and won’t be told what to do by her daughter.
Mum and I very much in the middle. Quite happy to still look after niece between us.
Sister lives with her 2 adult sons and now boyfriend. None of the males work. This concerns mum and I . Just doesn’t sit right. She rarely contacts her daughter, once a week and couple of texts. Niece is getting less and less bothered about her mum. Niece has realised since being here that her home life was not what it should have been. Being left from 7am until 10pm, not knowing where he mum was. Ignored by her brothers. Her mum always putting the brothers first. But very controlling with niece.
I have tried to talk to my sister about my nieces feelings and about our concerns with the boyfriend but she won’t listen. Defends the men in her life every time.
I have never met the boyfriend, even though in the last 2yrs I’ve spent about 8 weeks there. We arrange a meet and he always has an excuse not to come. Every time. I do doubt what he says he’s done in the past, he says he has had an amazing career In the paras and police force, but there is no evidence of this.
I don’t know what my AIBU is, but I would like some advice as to how to move forward.

Throckmorton Tue 07-Jan-20 12:28:09

Bloody hell your sister and her boyfriend sound awful! Can your niece continue to live with you instead of having to live with her mum and the creepy boyfriend?

sarahjconnor Tue 07-Jan-20 12:28:11

It sounds like a dreadful situation. I would prioritise your niece as you are doing and be evasive to her mum about when she asks about DN returning. I suspect she’ll be pleased to leave her daughter at her mums from what you say. Where is nieces dad in all this mess?

sarahjconnor Tue 07-Jan-20 12:29:06

And I would contact the police under clares law re the horrible bf.

RossPoldarksWife Tue 07-Jan-20 12:34:16

Nieces dad Has an injunction keeping him away.
Mum and are more than happy to keep her. The difference in her is amazing. Niece has already said she won’t live her mum while he’s there.
What is clares law please?

AryaStarkWolf Tue 07-Jan-20 12:35:36

I think the best to hope for is for your niece to stay living with her grandmother if that's possible? Your sister sounds very unfair and irresponsible (to put it nicely) and I don't think any number of talks with her will change that.

IceCreamFace Tue 07-Jan-20 12:37:18

Poor niece. My sympathy lies 100% with her not your sister. What's stopping your niece carrying on staying with your mum? I think if she insists on this arrangement at her age it's going to be very difficult for your mum to force her to move in with her.

messolini9 Tue 07-Jan-20 12:40:56

Did not help him slapping her on the bottom the first couple of times he visited.
Your sister needs a wake-up call, OP. Has anyone tackled her about this behaviour from her DP?

Niece is getting less and less bothered about her mum
Good. I hope you & your mum can continue to house her, so she doesn't have to put up with any more arse-slaps & swearing from her mother's unemployed b/f.

RossPoldarksWife Tue 07-Jan-20 12:42:09

Niece will be welcome to stay with mum for as long as she wants too. We will not be forcing her to live with her mum.
Daughter and niece have a fantastic relationship, both got a sister they’ve never had!

pumpkinpie01 Tue 07-Jan-20 12:42:58

Your sister will not change , women that put men before their kids never do in my experience. Your mum is probably enjoying her company and your niece is having a normal home life and will probably thrive there. I wouldn't push her to go back home.

messolini9 Tue 07-Jan-20 12:43:09

I have never met the boyfriend, even though in the last 2yrs I’ve spent about 8 weeks there. We arrange a meet and he always has an excuse not to come. Every time.
Weird. Maybe he's concerned you would call him put on his behaviour toward his neice, & sponging off your sister?

I do doubt what he says he’s done in the past, he says he has had an amazing career In the paras and police force, but there is no evidence of this.
You're right, he's full of shit.
If he'd had a military career, he'd have discipline & a work ethic.

OneDay10 Tue 07-Jan-20 12:43:10

I think continue to support your niece as you are. she is lucky to have a supportive extended family and soon she will be old enough to be making her own way.
As for your sister, she sounds like the typical desperate man chasing excuse for a 'mother'. As she said shes a big old lady, so leave her to it. If that bf is dodgy then she will get what she deserves. What kind of mother chooses a man over her child.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 07-Jan-20 12:43:53

Niece will be welcome to stay with mum for as long as she wants too. We will not be forcing her to live with her mum.
Daughter and niece have a fantastic relationship, both got a sister they’ve never had!

That's great, she's very lucky to have you all

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 07-Jan-20 12:44:13

Your niece is bloody lucky to have you and your Mum.

Your sister sounds like a bloody nightmare and terrible parent. With an awful choice in men.

Keep your niece close and tell her how welcome and loved she is by you. Even if your sister and her boyfriend move near you, tell your niece she can continue to stay with your Mum or stay with you. She obviously doesn't want to be anywhere near her Mum's boyfriend.

RossPoldarksWife Tue 07-Jan-20 12:44:14

Oh I tackled her alright !!
Just got a laugh and “ he was being affectionate “
Only third time he’d met her!

Theoscargoesto Tue 07-Jan-20 12:49:28

At 16 a child can decide to leave home, they don't need parental consent to do so. I really congratulate you and your mum, you've done a brilliant thing so far as your niece is concerned.

RossPoldarksWife Tue 07-Jan-20 12:51:22

Messolini9
The past employment history is one of the things that bothers me. You’re right, there is no discipline or work ethic at all. When I have asked for evidence, i was met with aggression, or why should he prove is past?
There is literally nothing, no photos, no army mates, not even the presence that ex military have. My daughters dad side has a large military/police past. Even she said he wasn’t like them

Beautiful3 Tue 07-Jan-20 12:52:18

I think her living with you and your mum would be best for her.

MyOwnSummer Tue 07-Jan-20 12:55:30

You're right to be concerned, there are a number of red flags here about the man your sister is seeing and about the situation with her daughter in general.

People with experience and a good record in the police / military usually don't struggle to find work, IME. Something isn't quite right there, though I guess if he has a pension from one of those organisations it might explain him not working.

Also, he slapped your niece on the backside - at 15yo (or 13yo when the relationship started)? WTF? Firstly smacking a child that isn't your own is highly questionable but to do it to a teenager is a real concern.

Frankly, your sister sounds like an idiot. In your place, I would be doing two things - firstly making a Clare's Law / Sarah's Law request to see if the boyfriend has any convictions for DV / CSA and secondly, making sure the niece has a good and stable home with you / your mum.

RossPoldarksWife Tue 07-Jan-20 12:59:53

MyOwnSummer
Nope no pension, I asked that. Apparently, he was shot in the shoulder behind enemy lines, and was discharged from the Army.

HomeMadeMadness Tue 07-Jan-20 13:00:48

I wouldn't feel under pressure to remain neutral. I would tell niece outright that you will support her if she wants to remain living with her grandma. I would agree with her that the boyfriend's behaviour towards her was 100% inappropriate and that her not wanting to live with him is totally reasonable.

Whynosnowyet Tue 07-Jan-20 13:03:58

Have you googled his name?

RossPoldarksWife Tue 07-Jan-20 13:05:49

Whynosnowyet.
Yep, nothing.
Paras website, nothing.
Facebook page, set up in 2016, nothing.

messolini9 Tue 07-Jan-20 13:09:29

Oh I tackled her alright !!
Just got a laugh and “ he was being affectionate “

Jeeze OP, your sister is welcome to her sexual predator beau. Just as well he DD has you & your mum innit - when her own mother is minimising like this.
Does your sister have form for kowtowing to men? - it's odd that she's putting up with housing 3 unemployed men right now. I hope your niece never goes there unaccompanied again.

messolini9 Tue 07-Jan-20 13:11:15

When I have asked for evidence, i was met with aggression, or why should he prove is past?

Yeah, he's lying. Wonder if anyone's asked to see the bullet wound in his shoulder grin grin grin

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »