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To have a baby just to get it over with?

(126 Posts)
NeverGotMyPuppy Mon 06-Jan-20 21:00:10

Please forgive me if this is long. I just need somewhere to write it down and hear some other views.

DH and I have one son, he is nearly 16 months. I did not handle a newborn well. He was not the portable baby everyone advertises. From about 6 weeks he wouldn't nap in the pram. I literally gave my life to his naps, walking round the park for hours, bouncing on yoga balls in the dark, driving round for hours on end. It nearly broke me. I also had some very poor medical support (e.g. HV telling me to leave him to cry, one consultant telling me he had onviosundigesthve issues the next telling me he didnt, I went to my GP saying I was worried about my mental health and she said 'I dont really know why you're here').
I'm finding it easier now he is a toddler - working 3 days a week helps a great deal - and I love the interaction he gives us.

Here's the rub. We always said we wanted 2. When I picture my life in 5, 10 years etc there are 2 children in it.

Am I being utterly ridiculous to just try for a 2nd baby now? Woild it literally drive me mad?

NeverGotMyPuppy Mon 06-Jan-20 21:02:02

Sorry - i wish there was an edit option.

'Obvious digestive issues' that should say. And I didnt want the vote option on!!

thepeopleversuswork Mon 06-Jan-20 21:06:03

I mean... the fact that your first was a difficult baby doesn't mean your second would be. Every baby is different and its impossible to predict how a second baby will be: its total pot luck.

On the other hand you say you picture yourself with two babies -- do you actually really want another baby or do you just feel that you ought to?

Bluewavescrashing Mon 06-Jan-20 21:08:12

How old are you OP? Do finances, work etc allow another baby yet?

You could have an easy baby second time around but even then, the jump from one to two is very tough (in my experience - just under 3 years age gap). Both my DCs were very good sleepers.

If you wait a bit longer you might find your first child can do more for himself, get himself dressed, shoes on, toilet independently etc.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening Mon 06-Jan-20 21:10:21

I don't enjoy pregnancy and am not fussed around the baby stage.

I've got 3 and just had them because I wanted 3 children.
Actual walking, talking fascinating children.

But your son sounds exactly like my first did. I was so exhausted I started to hallucinate. Turns out he had CMPI.

WineAt4pm Mon 06-Jan-20 21:11:09

I could have written your post a year ago OP.

Eldest is 2.5 now and amazing, hard work in the way all toddlers can be but I love my time with him. I pretty much hated every day on maternity leave, he was extremely high needs and would only sleep with a nipple in his mouth so I was trapped under him for pretty much most of the day on the sofa either feeding or him napping. He was also a crier, screamed day and night for 5 months, whined day and night until he turned 1. We sleep trained at 6mo which helped but the relentless crying and whining nearly pushed me over the edge.

We also knew we wanted more ultimately, I thought I'd want 3 eventually. So at 16mo started trying for number 2 who's now 4 months old. I won't lie, I'm going through hell again. Baby is slightly easier (doesn't scream non stop) but in the day will also only sleep with a boob in their mouth and I'm miserable. I don't get a second to myself day or night, I'm basically ticking down the days until they're bigger and so having less milk and (hopefully) independent sleep.

Whilst I'm 100% certain there will absolutely not be a third baby joining the family EVER, I'm glad we've got the two as their bond already is amazing. Baby lights up when toddler walks in. Toddler adores baby and constantly wants to give cuddles and kisses. I know it will be worth it. I almost wish we'd done it sooner so that I was further along through the hard part but I'm trying to cling onto the fact that it gets easier.

You might also get an easy baby this time round! I hoped for that but it didn't work out... I'm hoping that means another one who gets easier as they get older not harder like most people seem to suggest they have. Good luck!

Wandaneedsnewwindows Mon 06-Jan-20 21:11:20

I found 1 baby manageable, then we had a surprise baby (happy surprise) and I found the jump from 1 to 2 DC really tough. There was exactly 2.5 years between them. They have a lovely relationship together. However, I’m worn out!! I always wanted 3 kids, but it’s just too exhausting with 2, so that’s us done. We’ve got quite a few friends who have stuck at 1 kid and their lives seems so much easier

MissConductUS Mon 06-Jan-20 21:11:42

My first baby was easy, number two was a demon child smile.

But the second wasn't that hard because I knew what I was doing and as PP said by that time DC1 needed much less attention.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Mon 06-Jan-20 21:11:57

I get you OP. I hated pregnancy and the newborn stage and wanted to get the second over with as it was something I knew I wanted to do, but that I wasn't looking forward to, if that makes sense. My husband wasnt as keen so we ended up with a 2.5 year age gap, I'd have preferred about 2 years.

Not going to lie it almost broke me (my second was like your first plus feeding issues), the lack of sleep, the logistics of it all, but now its 2 years later and it does feel like its finally getting easier and I have a school age child and a toddler who makes all of us laugh every day. I do feel better knowing it's not hanging over me any more

Ishotmrburns Mon 06-Jan-20 21:12:10

It depends on why you want a second baby. Also it sounds like your baby was an unusually difficult sleeper. I suppose the risk is that the next one is too, but it's unlikely.

Personally I would rather deal with the sleepless nights all in one go, instead of dragging them out over 5 or 6 years. I had my babies close together and I'm so glad that I did. I cannot understand why anyone would want to spread out those night wakings anymore than they need to!

That's just me of course. I know others feel differently ☺️

NeverGotMyPuppy Mon 06-Jan-20 21:12:20

No I really do want 2. It feels like the right number to me (if its twins I'll give one away on here wink)

Yes finances allow. In fa t it's part of my reasoning- I would eventually like to go back to the full.time post o had which earned a lot more than my 3 day a week. The sooner we do the baby phase the sooner I can look at that - I want do be part time while they are small, I'm lucky I can have the balance I can have.

I worry that I would keep thinking 'lets just wait til baby number 1 can do x and then we will go for it'.

mousemousse Mon 06-Jan-20 21:12:43

My first was like yours, I waited until she was 3 to TTC and then it was another year before we got one that 'stuck' after a few miscarriages. The 4yr age gap works very well for us, this time around I'm more relaxed, baby sleeps a bit better, but most importantly older one is very independent, she is potty trained, can get herself food and drinks, can belt herself in in the car, can pack her school bag etc all things that would have broken me if I'd have had to deal with her still learning this stuff with a newborn on tow.

I'd say wait, let yourself recover, enjoy your toddler.

Badoukas Mon 06-Jan-20 21:13:31

I was in your shoes. First baby was a constant crier, I had no support and thought it would kill me off. Had also endured a rough nauseous (but healthy pregnancy). Everyone else seemed to go for an 18 month age gap but I couldnt contemplate another pregnancy and difficult baby. 4 years later I pitched in again still unsure but just didnt want an only child. Different story, much better pregnancy, easy baby and now glad to have 2!

Flipper1234 Mon 06-Jan-20 21:14:37

Looking back, I really don’t know why I decided to have a second... the first was so so hard. I was terrified of giving birth, had to have an emergency C section, baby never stopped crying, never slept... I was completely traumatised and depressed. Anyhow I did have another and baby 2 was the complete opposite (thank god!). And even if it wasn’t, I think I’d have coped better anyway because of the difficulties of baby 1. Far better that way round than having dream baby 1 and nightmare baby 2 when you’ve got a toddler!

noeyedeer Mon 06-Jan-20 21:14:59

My first was horrendous at sleeping. Day and night. I was exhausted. Every day felt like swimming through treacle. I did have my second (he was a dream sleep compared) BUT I tried to mentally prepare myself that he would be a repeat of DS1. There were 3 1/2 years between them.

What I would say, is don't be fobbed off re your mental health next time. I was the first time and, looking back, was really quite poorly. DS2 was much easier and I wasn't anywhere near so bad mental health wise, but I was much better at asking for demanding help.

Redcliff Mon 06-Jan-20 21:15:08

I think if you found it hard I would wait till he was just over 4 and then start trying so the eldest was going to be at school in time for the second baby - I found early days hard and I think a baby and a toddler would have broken me.

Whatsername177 Mon 06-Jan-20 21:15:47

My first dd almost broke me. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything as she had colic and cried and screamed all of the time. Only slept on me, couldn't be put down except for night time sleeps and even then, she would wake every 2-3 hours. I waited. I couldn't handle a second baby and actually felt quite happy, until she went to school and the primal, baby making urge took over once again. Dd2 was a dream baby. Honestly just so flipping easy. I loved every second of her baby hood as it was easy compared to dd1. I'm not really offering an opinion on what is the right thing to do, because only you know that. But, second time around can be different.

MoaningMinniee Mon 06-Jan-20 21:15:51

Mine turned up eleven minutes apart... however I am the eldest of a larger family and my mother informs me that it is easier and easier each time as you are more experienced and just generally better at it!

Babooshkar Mon 06-Jan-20 21:17:28

I’ve found having a second a LOT harder work than one.

Oly4 Mon 06-Jan-20 21:17:43

My first was like yours but I went for a second and had a 22 month age gap. My second child was easier but, actually, I was also a lot calmer as I knew that all the insane lack of sleep would improve. I also stopped trying to have any sort of routine (including naps) and just went with everything... knowing it would get better. My first almost broke me, my second showed me I could cope. I’m very pleased for the small age gap. I also wanted to work FT and do now.

Goodgollymiss Mon 06-Jan-20 21:19:53

What age are you? Dont feel pressured to have your babies so close in age especially if the baby stage isnt your cup of tea

Brainfogmcfogface Mon 06-Jan-20 21:21:16

I waited and had my second when my 1st started school, and love it! Don’t have to deal with 2 under 5s, my oldest is a absolute godsend, she’ll entertain the baby while I get on with things, loves her little sister so much she’d do anything for her, she’s also pretty independent and doesn’t need me to do everything for her (also my “fetcher” when I was cluster feeding and brought me snacks etc) I watched most of my friends have the 2 year or so gap and not one of them actually enjoyed it, they all struggled, I knew I couldn’t do what they did. Hats off to all those who do/have but I’ve found going from 1 to 2 a lot easier and stress free.

fuzzkin Mon 06-Jan-20 21:23:12

You might find it harder to conceive second time round (speaking from experience of getting pregnant first time then secondary infertility) so I'd not want to leave it too long just in case. That said you should feel comfortable with the idea of having another one! I found dc1 very tough but dc2 was great.

MissConductUS Mon 06-Jan-20 21:24:02

I’m very pleased for the small age gap. I also wanted to work FT and do now.

Mine were 22 months apart also. We were planning on a bigger gap but I fell pregnant sooner than expected. It worked out well for us too and the kids were close enough in age to play together well growing up. They're now 18 and almost 20 and still very close.

TiddlestheCat Mon 06-Jan-20 21:28:18

I wouldn't rush into it just to get it over and done with. In fact, I would pace yourself. Wait until your first has started nursery school. That way you'll have some time to deal with a new baby. You will be much better equipped to deal with a second baby as so much more experience. The first one comes as a shock to the system.

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