To consider asking xp to pay for things for DD on top of maintenance?

[Pesha]

My xp is paying maintenance for 6yo dd through csa. He sees her once every 4 weeks.

I know of people where the father contributes to extras such as after school clubs, school uniform/trips, new shoes etc as well as paying maintenance. I am considering asking xp to do this for dd. Not alot but a bit of extra help as we are struggling financially, we can manage but it would help if he were to contribute more. I'm not sure we can afford for her to have swimming lessons for instance.

I cannot decide whether this would be reasonable or not. What do you think?

[Nymphadora]

Are you on good terms with him? My xh contributes to things like that but isn't that reliable with it.I tend to mention that swimming lessons are due to be paid for and would he be able to pay 1/2 or something like that and he usually appears with £20 but its better than nowt!

[Pesha]

Not great terms no but we're trying very hard to be reasonable! He has only started seeing her again this year, before vthat he hadnt seen her for 3 years so its all abit new.

[winnie]

Pesha, it is not unreasonable but you have to way up the pro's and cons. You can also ask but have to accept that if he refuses that is that. You also need to be clear about what he is paying for and what he is not paying for. Plus there will be no guarantees that these things will be purchased & paid for so you also have to be clear that you are not reliant on him if he agrees but doesn't follow through. My xh contributes a lot more than child support to ds's life and doesn't need to be asked if ds needs something I cannot afford but we do talk alot about ds and his needs so there is a lot of space for communication.

[Pesha]

Thanks winnie.

I'm assuming he is going to think it is a totally unreasonable request and i am out of order asking, if I do ask, so would like to know just how common or not it is for absent fathers to financially contribute more than just the amount set by csa.

If it is unusual and unreasonable I can ask and if he says no I'll just let it go but if it's actually quite common place and he says no I may try to put my case a little harder and see if I can convince him or not iyswim. Although if it was going to cause alot of bad feeling i would let it go.

[persephonesnape]

i think it's a little unreasonable, but i also don't think it;s unreasonable !

i think that the csa guidelines are unreasonable - I certainly don't spend 25% of my take home pay on my dcs - it's nearer 60%.

that said, i get no maintenance at all from my ex and manage to get by on my sole income, including one after school activity a week per child ( ballet, tae kwon do and guides) I gave up expecting my ex to provide anything aloooong time ago, i do without treats so my kids get them - at the end of the day they should be a joint responsibility, but they aren't, so i get on with it.

[Twinklemegan]

FWIW, from the other side of the fence, I think asking him to contribute to some specific things could be a good thing as it would make him feel more involved, if indeed he wants to be. I know one of the biggest bugbears for my DH is having to pay shedloads of maintenance whilst having no involvement in his kids' lives away from him whatsoever. It's like their lives are none of his business which is such a shame.

Of course, he may not want that involvement in which case he may think YABU. But he might just surprise you. Sometimes men withdraw for their own emotional protection.

[Bouncingturtle]

If you don't ask you don't get! As well as monthly maintenance, dh and dss's mum take turns in going on a big clothes shop. Plus extras are normally split between them, e.g. sports clubs, when they decided to take him to consultant about his glue ear as nhs waiting list was ridculous, things like that. After all, things like that do cost over and above your normal expenditure and sometimes crop up unexpectedly. So no YANBU.