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AIBU to be annoyed with DH re finances/his mum

(133 Posts)
butteriesplease Mon 16-Dec-19 09:45:02

so, just checking the bank account this morning, and see a large (over £1.5K) payment out, which I don't recognise from DH's account. (we each have own, plus a joint account and savings, which is always bloody empty).

So, I text and say what's this? Bank have categorised as 'eating out' - ?! As it transpires, basically, it is a transfer to his mum so she can get her dental implants fixed. What's that I say???

Apparently he's been 'looking after' this money since 2015 for her. But it was transferred from his UK current account,and the 'looking after' was in a bank account in european country where he is from.

I say 'what'? you never told me about this. So, there was approx £1.5K sitting in another bank account, which was his mum's incase she split from husband. For gods sake.

I am really cross and frustrated as:
(a) she can pay for her bloody teeth
(b) she could set up a bank account in HER OWN ACTUAL NAME
(c) DH did not tell me any of this. and
(d) DH Did not EVER tell me any of this.
(e) we are generally right in to our overdraft each month, and this is bad news for us right now financially.

gaaagh. I just want to cry. He just doesn't talk to me about money. he just spends it. WE have none, and he wants to go on a holiday which we can't afford, repaying his mum, not thinking that it puts us in a right mess, and I really want to take away all his cards and try and get him to understand.

so, AIBU to be be frustrated???

debbs77 Mon 16-Dec-19 09:48:07

I'm confused? I've read that as he was looking after it for her in a separate account, and now she needed it?

Surely that is absolutely fine???

CarolinaPink Mon 16-Dec-19 09:49:12

I don't quite get it, OP. Are you saying his mum gave it to him to look after for her? If so then I don't understand why you're annoyed confused

butteriesplease Mon 16-Dec-19 09:49:30

yes it was apparently in a separate account, but I had no knowledge.

Plus, the account he has 'repaid' from is not the account which the money was apparently in.

So has therefore left us very much skint.
£1.5K is a big amount for us.

OlaEliza Mon 16-Dec-19 09:49:59

Yabu. It was her money, not yours.

Reallybadidea Mon 16-Dec-19 09:50:29

So can't he just transfer the money that he was looking after from his other account into this one?

butteriesplease Mon 16-Dec-19 09:51:03

so maybe I've not been super clear - the money has been given to his mum from one of our UK current accounts, and therefore we are now skint.

MiniGuinness Mon 16-Dec-19 09:51:32

You don’t believe it was hers? Actually, nor would I, but why are you checking his account?

butteriesplease Mon 16-Dec-19 09:52:37

yes @reallybadidea if that had happened, I would have understood. I would be annoyed he hadn't told me about this money he was looking after, but there would be no financial loss to us as a family.
The way he's done it, we are now very broke, as the money has been paid out from our accounts here, not the one in his home country.

TheFairyCaravan Mon 16-Dec-19 09:53:26

So he's transferred the money from a regular account, not the one it was being "looked after" in? Does the other account even exist? That would be my worry

Bluntness100 Mon 16-Dec-19 09:53:37

So he spent the original 1.5 k, and so paid it back when she needed it?

Sorry I'm also not clear. It seems she gave him 1.5 k to look after, he spent it, and is now repaying it, is that correct?

butteriesplease Mon 16-Dec-19 09:54:07

I do a quick check on our accounts on the banking app fairly often, just to see how much money we have, and if bill payments have gone out etc. We each have visibility of our current accounts, kids savings and our savings (not that there is antying in those).

TheresWaldo Mon 16-Dec-19 09:54:08

Surely he needs to transfer the cash from the other account to his?

Bigbigboots Mon 16-Dec-19 09:54:09

You are not being clear, no. It reads as he was keeping £1500 of his mother's money for her and now he has given it back. That doesn't affect your finances.

ActualHornist Mon 16-Dec-19 09:54:16

Are you waiting for the money from his mums account to hit yours then?

YANBU if he’s not intending to recover the money from her, and quickly. But if it’s en route as irritating as it is....actually YAstillNBU.

Unexpected large payments out should be discussed at the very least. Doesn’t make a difference if it’s to fix someone’s teeth!

Lulualla Mon 16-Dec-19 09:54:39

So where is the £1.5k he said was sitting in another account?

Surely, if she gave him the money to keep for her, then he just needs to give it back. It shouldn't be coming out of your budget or your normal accounts. It should be coming out of the account he was holding it in.

Or are you saying he's spent the money she gave him on himself I'm secret, and has now taken the money back from your family accounts? Leaving you £1500 out of pocket, and hes had £1500 spent on himself?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory Mon 16-Dec-19 09:55:08

Why can’t he just transfer the money from the foreign account into your account now?

butteriesplease Mon 16-Dec-19 09:56:12

ah but @bigbigboots it does, as he paid it back from our UK account, and not from the account in which is apparently was.

Anyway, most of you seem to think I'm being a grumpy old cow about it, as it was motheri-in-law's money.

It's just a super awful time of year to have an unexpected £1.5K leaving the bank. She asked for it on Friday apparently, but was not mentioned to me. I'd have suggested paying in two or three payments if we had to return it from the UK accounts. Still waiting to hear why it couldn't be repaid from the european account.

AiryFairyMum Mon 16-Dec-19 09:56:18

Cant he pay the money from the other account into his one here? Am I right in thinking it was his account it came out of, not a joint one?

Bluntness100 Mon 16-Dec-19 09:57:04

Eh, no one even hinted you were a grumpy old cow, everyone is asking you to explain.

Lulualla Mon 16-Dec-19 09:57:27

But where is the money? There is a missing £1500 right now. Where has he put it? He needs to put it back into your accounts.

butteriesplease Mon 16-Dec-19 09:58:35

@actualhornist - this is what annoys me, as he didn't discuss it at all. If he's been minding this money, and she needs it back, OK - but I would like to know, as the method of repaying has implications for us.

I have no idea why the european bank hasn't been used to do the repayment, as he doesn't use that AFAIK, so it should still have just been in there.

Shoxfordian Mon 16-Dec-19 09:59:23

If he was just holding the money for her then it's hers
It does sound like he's not transparent enough with you though

fedup21 Mon 16-Dec-19 09:59:55

She gave him £1500 to look after-all Fine.
She wants it back-all fine.
He paid her out of your current account rather than where the money was-WHY?!

Why didn’t he pay her back from where the money was?

If he’s spent the money without taking you, then he’s a dick. Your post isn’t making this clear though.

TheFairyCaravan Mon 16-Dec-19 10:01:08

You need to sit him down tonight and make him prove to you that the £1.5k is in the European bank account. He then needs to action the transfer of that back to your UK account.

I'd be absolutely bloody fuming with him.

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