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My in laws

(69 Posts)
Tryingtojuggleeverything Sun 15-Dec-19 11:55:29

Apologies in advance, this is going to be long as I’m trying to note everything so I can explain why I feel the way I feel.

I have been married to DH for 25 years, I’ve tried so hard to be included in the family as I come from a dysfunctional family myself. My DH has 2 brothers and 3 sisters. One sister lives here in the U.K, another lives in Australia and another lives in the US.

I’ve always thought my presence was grudged whenever I was in my MIL’s company when all her daughters were there. My other SIL (Married to DH’s brother) must feel a bit like that too because of something she said to me.

When 2 of my SIL’s moved abroad, whenever MIL needed help, if her own daughter couldn’t do it she would ask me. I eventually got to realise over the years that I was only “required” if I was needed for something.

My DH doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother (his dad isn’t around) and neither does is brother. They both feel as if their mum has always been just for her daughters and never for them, ie, the boys have never had a birthday party, had to pay for their own driving lessons, for given token gifts at big birthdays, whereas the girls have had 18th, 21st birthday parties, were each given £1000 for their big birthdays and were given driving lessons for their 17th (I was with DH when the girls turned 17).

Anyway a couple of months ago my MIL went in for a big operation, so there was only her 2 sons and one daughter here and she needed care when she got out of hospital. Her daughter works full time, my DH works full time but works away so 4 weeks away, 2 weeks here, I work from home, BIL doesn’t work and his wife works full time. When MIL came out of hospital her daughter sent all of us a timetable of when we were to be down at MIL’s house to help, we weren’t asked if this was acceptable to us, it was just expected. My DH couldn’t help as he was away but was expected to drop everything and stay with his mum when he came home. My SIL was expected to stay overnight with my MIL!!!
I didn’t say anything about what was expected of me, I just saw an old women who needed help and thought okay I will help as I could work from her house as long as I had the internet.
It turns out, my MIL only needed help for about 3 weeks, so all good.

MIL used to have little chats when I was down helping her and I honestly thought we would “bond” something I really wanted as I didn’t have that with my own mum.

Well last week, my MIL had her 60th birthday, I had asked SIL (the one who stays here) if anything special was being done. She said no. However, my other SIL’s and 2 nieces came home for her birthday, there was a big dinner but all us weren’t invited. It was all kept a big secret. My SIL who stays here knew all about it, and all the sisters just kept it to themselves.
To top it all, MIL sent me, DH, her other son and his wife pics saying me with all my beautiful granddaughters.......eh what about my daughter, your oldest granddaughter, actually your oldest grandchild, is she not included. MIL has posted this on Facebook, so my daughter (20) has seen this and has put “ok gran so am I not included as a granddaughter” to which my MIL has replied “oh don’t be so childish”

I’m fucking livid. DH is away just now but he is mad. I feel like taking a massive step back and telling them all to fuck off.

AIBU?

madcatladyforever Sun 15-Dec-19 12:03:02

No YANBU take a big step back. She sounds like a classic narcissist and is manipulating everybody. I'd have nothing to do with it.

Tryingtojuggleeverything Sun 15-Dec-19 12:11:31

Above should say DH has one brother and 3 sisters

thefattestchip Sun 15-Dec-19 12:20:33

I'd reduce contact. That's very hurtful for your dd.
What are your plans for Christmas.

aprilanne Sun 15-Dec-19 12:23:22

Well tell your daughter to take the attitude well hope your wonderful daughters and grandaughters look after you when you are in serious need when elderly .my son's the same my in-laws only care about there grandaughters and I say that to them .just concentrate on your own family from now on and to hell with them ..tell your beautiful daughter to ignore them x

PepePig Sun 15-Dec-19 12:24:43

Go LC or NC. She's a hateful bitch by the sounds of it. I'd also remember this when she needs care when she's older. It would be an awful shame if you couldn't help and it was left to the sisters...

JasonPollack Sun 15-Dec-19 12:28:50

Don't be doing her any more favours. Hateful cow.

GreenTulips Sun 15-Dec-19 12:31:43

Well it seems you’ve raised a daughter that doesn’t take things lying down! Good for her!!

Is she contacted you since?

JKScot4 Sun 15-Dec-19 12:32:51

Question; Your Mil is 60? not an old woman, how at 60 has her son been married 25 years? Were you or her a child bride?

Morgan12 Sun 15-Dec-19 12:32:58

Yep I'd be taking a massive step back.

Infact I'd not contact any of them ever again. And see if they ever bother to contact you.

That was so vindictive of them. Just plain nasty.

Tryingtojuggleeverything Sun 15-Dec-19 12:33:06

Thank you. I would feel bad if she needed help and I refused but at the same time I’m like, well why should it, you were never there for me, and there has been times when I have needed help when DH has been working away and couldn’t get home.

My plans for Christmas are a quiet one, just DH who is home for a change at Christmas and New Year, so just us and the kids. I’ve never been invited to MIL’s house at Christmas or my SIL’s even when DH has been away and the children have been younger and they know I’m spending it just me and the kids, however I was expected to go down every Christmas Day and like a bloody fool I did it, and they knew I was going back home to an empty house to start dinner for me and 3 kids.

ThanosSavedMe Sun 15-Dec-19 12:34:19

I wouldn’t do a damn thing for her ever again. Don’t be bullied, persuaded or blackmailed by any of them. None of this but she’s an old woman bullshit. She’s made her bed and all that.

What an absolute bitch.

Tryingtojuggleeverything Sun 15-Dec-19 12:35:58

Ah my mistake JKScot4 that should say MIL 70 lol, sorry my fat fingers. But I was a child bride, got married at 18 and my MIL had DH at 19.

JKScot4 Sun 15-Dec-19 12:38:34

@trying
My maths was struggling there 🤣🤣
Bin the lot of them and have a nice xmas just YOUR family.

Savingshoes Sun 15-Dec-19 12:39:48

DH should contact MIL and first chance and demand an apology for calling his daughter childish on social media where all her family can see.

He should also state that as an adult, she was merely standing up for herself and he's proud of her for having the confidence to do so.

I suggest your side of the family goes NC.

Walnutwhipster Sun 15-Dec-19 12:40:21

Fuck her.

Winterdaysarehere Sun 15-Dec-19 12:40:40

Well now you know you won't be required for arse wiping duties should she need it...
Walk away op.
Leave dh to be a doormat.
Your duty is over.

NorthernLightsInWinter Sun 15-Dec-19 12:42:27

Complete and utter bitch.

I would go NC.

Tryingtojuggleeverything Sun 15-Dec-19 12:42:47

OMG my bloody fingers, above post should say I had DD at 19 FFS

MumW Sun 15-Dec-19 12:45:25

I would go LC, if not NC and Christmas visiting is now a thing of the past.

No need for any feelings of guilt - MIL has finally shown you what you have long suspected, that you and your family don't matter and are only of consequence if she wants/needs something. It sounds as though your DD has the measure of her now so no need to worry that you'll be upsetting her. Bet she will be happy to go LC/NC too.

flowers

FudgeBrownie2019 Sun 15-Dec-19 12:45:42

YANBU at all. Cut her off at the knees and do nothing else for her. Tell your DD what an arsehole her Gran is and let her know you see through the bullshit she's being subjected to; suggest she blocks her on social media so she's not exposed further to the "don't be so childish" nonsense.

I honestly think with in-laws that you can spend a lifetime giving and never be enough. In the interests of self preservation you need to cut this whole toxic favouritism out and let her realise how little you care.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Sun 15-Dec-19 12:46:11

Nasty woman. I wouldn’t lift another finger. Let her wonderful daughters run round her.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons Sun 15-Dec-19 12:49:55

Bloody hell saying that to your daughter rather than apologise angry
She sounds horrible I would go very low contact actually I would go no contact & let DH be the only point of contact. flowers

Winterdaysarehere Sun 15-Dec-19 13:01:49

Cancel Xmas visiting and all bloody visits. Good on your dd for calling her out. Hope she dumps her also. Hope your dh has your back on this.

Tryingtojuggleeverything Sun 15-Dec-19 13:05:08

Thank you everyone for replying. Sorry my bloody fat fingers, I’m saying my daughter is 20, she is 24. I’m typing this on my phone, I’ve got false nails on a can’t bloody type!!!!

Seriously though, I think LC or NC is the way to go. I’ve told DH I’m not going down on Christmas Day, daughter is saying she isn’t going either. My sons 19 and 10 say they aren’t too bothered.

I’m going to look forward to just having Christmas in the house with just us.

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