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Should the grandparents do more?

(528 Posts)
DressedAs Sat 14-Dec-19 15:35:01

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

UtuNorantiPralatongsThirdEye Sat 14-Dec-19 15:38:26

I think YABU.

Why are you struggling so much with only one child? Do you really want to risk passing the illness on to your mother?

plunkplunkfizz Sat 14-Dec-19 15:39:34

It’s your child. No one else is obliged to help ever.

poseysbobblehat Sat 14-Dec-19 15:40:02

Do you work ?

DressedAs Sat 14-Dec-19 15:40:23

Only one child who hasn't slept well since she was born, woke up 12 times last night and has been poorly for two weeks.

Likethebattle Sat 14-Dec-19 15:40:38

Your mother has done her child raising and this is what being a parent is, YOU are the parent so you deal with it,

Lulualla Sat 14-Dec-19 15:40:51

She's already raised her kid. She's done the sickness bugs and the tiredness and all that. If she doesn't want to do it then she doesn't need to. I assume you're a SAHM? If so, then this is your job. If you're getting tired and need a day off then your husband should use annual leave or parental leave.

It would of course be great if your mum did help. In my family, we all help each other all the time so it wouldn't even be a question. But that's our family. If your mum doesn't want to be that way then that is also completely OK.

knittedgoldfish Sat 14-Dec-19 15:41:31

YABU. The fact that she was making excuses before you even asked means she knew you would. How often does she help? Four hours is a pretty long drive. It would be nice if she would help but there's no reason to expect she will especially if you aren't working, and it's not unreasonable not to want to.

NameChangeNugget Sat 14-Dec-19 15:41:38

YABVU. It’s your child

SymphonyofShadows Sat 14-Dec-19 15:41:42

You are a SAHM and you expect your mother to help you parent? YABVVU children get bugs, this is what happens.

Schmoozer Sat 14-Dec-19 15:41:47

Grandparents have lives too !! She’s your child !!! I’m surprised at your expectations actually

DressedAs Sat 14-Dec-19 15:41:48

I feel let down because she talks such a good game to everyone (me included) about how helpful she is but the last couple of times I have asked for help she has said no.

AiryFairyMum Sat 14-Dec-19 15:42:37

You think it is ok to give your mum and mil a stomach bug the week before Christmas? And to drive four hours for the privilege?

poseysbobblehat Sat 14-Dec-19 15:43:08

A 4 hour drive for her, you only have one child and you don't work ??? Seriously ?!

churchandstate Sat 14-Dec-19 15:43:38

Unfortunately the child isn’t their responsibility. It would be nice if they could help, but they are not being unreasonable.

DressedAs Sat 14-Dec-19 15:43:45

I work 4 days a week.

NoSquirrels Sat 14-Dec-19 15:44:57

flowers It is horrid when they're sick and clingy and you feel like you get no time off. So I'm sorry it's been like that.

I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

I'm afraid I think this is a bit unreasonable. It's 2 weeks, your DD is one, not a newborn, and I expect your mum has just been thinking you had it covered. I'm not sure why your MIL is annoying you too? You don't mention any of the grandfathers, FYI...

If you need extra childcare help because you're working too and can't send your DD to nursery etc then I'd say yes, you'd not be unreasonable. But if you're a SAHP, unfortunately your role is to be there for these things.

I understand you wish they'd offer, because that would be nice, but it is unreasonable to expect them to offer, and unreasonable to be snippy when they can't help out.

Elbeagle Sat 14-Dec-19 15:45:26

I imagine she really doesn’t want to risk a stomach bug. And I can’t blame her. My mum has just caught scarlet fever off my DC, I feel awful sad

UtuNorantiPralatongsThirdEye Sat 14-Dec-19 15:46:02

* Only one child who hasn't slept well since she was born, woke up 12 times last night and has been poorly for two weeks*

You know that ^ isn't unusual, right?

Get your partner to take time off.

knittedgoldfish Sat 14-Dec-19 15:46:11

If you are working then it is far more disappointing that she won't help but realistically it's a very long drive. How often does she help?

Honeybee85 Sat 14-Dec-19 15:46:14

I feel your pain OP. Grandparents are in no way obligated to help but it’s very useful if they can help when you’re struggling.
But then again, your mum lives 4 hours driving away from you and she also has her own life.
In the kindest possible way, YABU.

Emeraldshamrock Sat 14-Dec-19 15:46:19

Yabvu. You should be grateful for the help she gave after the birth.
I never expected anyone or had help from anyone.
It is time to out your big girl pants on. I know it is stressful, my DC are ill, The youngest has an emotional dysfunction disorder and ASD, I've been in hell for 2 weeks with his bug and flu as their DM what choice do I have.

AiryFairyMum Sat 14-Dec-19 15:46:40

She's already been helpful in the past. You owe her an apology.

NoSquirrels Sat 14-Dec-19 15:46:53


What help is it you're asking for from them - to cover childcare? Have you and your DH been taking turns off work?

Slomi Sat 14-Dec-19 15:47:03

Yabvu. I sympathize, I have a child who hasn't slept properly since she was born, I've no practical support from grandparents and I have had to take 15 holiday days and 4 unpaid in the last 6 months as she is constantly ill. It's tough when they are this age but's not your DM or Mil's responsibility to mind your child. If they offer, wonderful, but you can't expect it.

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