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AIBU - second marriage 'blended family 'loyalty issue

(66 Posts)
Carolamc Sat 14-Dec-19 08:51:40

I think I am being unreasonable, but feel he has been disloyal. My husband of 10 years (together for 13) have 2 children each. We live several hundred miles from all of them. I have tried to get on with his children (now adults 30 and 28) but have only met his daughter once - not for want of me trying.

My children get on well enough with my husband and cards, presents etc are exchanged. My husband tends not to want to come back to the uk very often, so I see my children when I come back (every 2 months) and he sees his (once a year)

We sent cards today, and I have discovered that he has sent a card signed 'love dad' to his daughter and 'love Dad and Carol' to his son. Was I unreasonable to get upset and accuse him of trying to erase me in some way. The fact he did it deliberately was telling.

I did confront him, and he said he did it to 'keep the peace'. ???? I did reply that I didn't know there was a war on. After a long discussion, tears etc, i think he realised that I was upset and he was sorry he did it. That won't mean he probably won't do it again though.

But am I being unreasonable? Is it just the natural way things may be in second marriages? Shall I just get over it and concentrate on maintaining the relationships with my own children ? I can't change how she thinks of me. I may well have answered my own question but it would be interesting to hear the views of others who have been on a similar situation.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sat 14-Dec-19 08:53:52

You’re not a blended family. You’ve seen his adult daughter once.

mummmy2017 Sat 14-Dec-19 08:54:14

Fight the battles you need to win, this isn't one of them.

BeatriceTheBeast Sat 14-Dec-19 08:56:38

If you've been together 13 years and only met her once, I am guessing she would rather not have a relationship with you? Sorry if I'm jumping to the wrong conclusion. I think at the age of 28 she is old enough to decide if she wants anything to do with you. If she doesn't and he insists on painting you as a we on cards addressed to her, I think that would be upsetting for her and would indeed disturb the peace. So, I think YABU. Just leave it. Seems way ott to have tears and throw a fit over it too tbh. Sorry if that seems unkind. And btw I am definitely not one of 'those' posters who hates stepmums! I am frequently on their side on here, but just not in this case.

plunkplunkfizz Sat 14-Dec-19 08:58:11

YABU for wanting to stir up trouble for no good reason.

housinghelp101 Sat 14-Dec-19 08:59:27

I think he was trying to be sensitive towards her needs, not trying to erase you. For whatever reason she hasn't come to terms with your relationship/marriage and has made that clear. Him writing your name on the card would likely set her off. Whilst she is an adult, I do think it is always considerate to respect someone's no/low contact wishes and I see him as having done that. I really don't think he is being disloyal to you. Were you the OW OP?

aveenos Sat 14-Dec-19 08:59:37

Yabu.

you have met his DD once. I think it's a non issue and I don't understand why you are upset. and you really aren't a blended family.

Babynamechangerr Sat 14-Dec-19 08:59:40

I can understand why you're upset as I guess you've found out his daughter doesn't like you or approve of you. Do you know why this is?

Thinking about it from the daughter's point of view, I guess I would be upset if I got a Christmas card from my dad + new wife I didn't like.

I guess it depends on what the circumstances are, ie why your husband is not with their mother, how long you've been together and the circumstances in how you got together.

It sounds like there are bigger issues than the card, but I get that's why you're upset.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sat 14-Dec-19 08:59:56

You want him to “choose” you over his daughter, prove you’re more important to him than she is.

ukgift2016 Sat 14-Dec-19 09:01:33

YABU. My nan did not have a relationship with my grandfather children from his first relationship. They didn't want that and she accepted it. It's hardly impacting on your marriage is it.

Dontdisturbmenow Sat 14-Dec-19 09:01:47

It sounds like for whatever reason she doesn't like you much so doesn't care to get s card from you. The don isn't bothered.

Why do you care though if you hardly ever see her?

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 14-Dec-19 09:02:13

I've got a friend who refers to her and her husband's children as a 'blended family', when they've never even met one another!

If the 'children' are adults then it's not a blended family, you just married their father. You're only blended (imo) if you move your young children in with his young children for any portion of the week. So the kids have to rub along together.

They are adults. You don't need to be involved in their lives. Just stick with your own kids and let his be if they aren't bothered about you. Do you have visions of yourself as some kind of matriarch?

And don't overdo all the drama. If it took tears and long conversations for him to even realise that you were upset, then he's not that aware of the situation and probably doesn't even realise it exists.

Don't make this the hill you die on.

Plaintainchipss Sat 14-Dec-19 09:03:07

His daughter doesn’t know you and therefore probably doesn’t want a card from you and her dad. Rather than getting upset at ur husband recognising this, try and actually get to know ur children’s sister.

RickSanchez Sat 14-Dec-19 09:03:50

With all respect, his daughter doesn't know you. You've met her once. I can see your DH's point of view, and hers actually, that it's not appropriate for you to be on the card.

I know you say that you have tried to have a relationship with her but I think you have to accept that she doesn't want that and doesn't see herself as part of your blended family, even if that's what you want.

My (D) M remarried after 20 years with my stepdad. My own DC at the time were 3 and 4 and had only met the new husband once (at my grandmother's funeral) but she instantly started sending cards to them from Grandma and Grandad. I don't even know the guy, nor do they, he is not their grandad, he is a man that she has married that none of us know. I am NC now for a variety of reasons, but attempting to shoehorn a stranger into our lives in this war is only a small part of what she's done.

BeatriceTheBeast Sat 14-Dec-19 09:04:23

You want him to “choose” you over his daughter, prove you’re more important to him than she is.

I'm sure this isn't true. But I think just for the sake of marking your 'turf', by being recognised on the card, the op would be foolish to do so at the expense of her DH's relationship with his child. It's nice to be made to feel significant in the life of your husband, but it isn't worth him possibly losing touch with his daughter, or even disrupting their relationship a bit over it.

Keep it separate. Be happy with your husband. Let him be happy with his children on his own. They are very much grown adults now. You really don't need to have any relationship with them at all and it sounds as if he sees little enough of his children. Why would you want to make things any worse for any of them just to prove a point that you are important to him? You can be important to him without ramming it down his dd's throat when she clearly doesn't feel very good about your marriage.

hsegfiugseskufh Sat 14-Dec-19 09:04:44

I wouldn't give it a thought if i was you. Shes not a part of your life really anyway.

Cloudyyy Sat 14-Dec-19 09:05:15

His daughter has only met you once, you are not part of her family. You married her Dad.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sat 14-Dec-19 09:06:12

YABVU, you created all the drama of tears etc over a name on a card for a person you have met once in twelve years.

He should send the card to his daughter however he likes, his children should always be his number one priority regardless of their age.

BlackSwanGreen Sat 14-Dec-19 09:06:54

I guess you're so upset because the card is symbolic of a deeper issue? Honestly, the card itself is not a big deal. The problem here is that you've been together 13 years and only met his daughter once. If you're upset about this and want to change it, then that's the issue you need to tackle.

RickSanchez Sat 14-Dec-19 09:07:05

Way not war

DisplayPurposesOnly Sat 14-Dec-19 09:11:26

YANBU. I barely knew my dad's wife (met her three times maybe) but always sent a joint Christmas card, just out of courtesy and because although she's not important to me she was important to him.

And if she leaves you out that's one thing; for him to leave you out, that's another thing.

That said, they are clearly not a close family (as we weren't) and do things differently from you and your children.

I guess I would be upset if I got a Christmas card from my dad + new wife I didn't like

13 years together of which 10 married is hardly 'new'.

Oneborneverydecade Sat 14-Dec-19 09:11:47

his children should always be his number one priority regardless of their age

I know this is a popular opinion on MN but I find it utterly bonkers. Are you suggesting that if the OP's SD invited him for Christmas he should leave his DW of 10 years at home alone, because even as an adult she takes priority?

churchandstate Sat 14-Dec-19 09:14:05

You’ve been together 13 years and met her once?!

Newmums16 Sat 14-Dec-19 09:16:31

I don’t speak to my mums partner (I’m still upset my parents split up and it’s easier not to acknowledge him) so if she sent me a card from both of them I’d be very upset. Mums partner accepts and understands the situation. I think your husband is doing the right thing but I think for you ‘the penny has dropped’ as PP have said, she wasn’t in your life anyway. Try not to take it personally though, I’m sure my mums partner is a nice person but I just can’t go there (yet)

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sat 14-Dec-19 09:17:46

Beatrice said it better. But I still think you’d like him to choose your feelings over hers, i.e. sign her card in a way that will upset her 🤷‍♀️

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