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To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

(436 Posts)
Chercando Fri 13-Dec-19 22:33:29

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

Dizzywizz Thu 09-Jan-20 15:24:08

What’s the update @Popebenedictsp45? How did it go?

cees Sun 05-Jan-20 16:20:10

Thoroughly disappointed with this threads outcome. Why have you let them and your husband treat you like shite?

CokeAndCrispsAndDip Sun 05-Jan-20 16:01:42

How did it go OP? Did they stay?

MorganKitten Tue 24-Dec-19 22:18:14

No, sorry that doesn’t work for me

Gutterton Tue 24-Dec-19 19:00:39

What happened OP?

Gutterton Thu 19-Dec-19 19:28:55

Show him this thread OP.

Could you?

mathanxiety Thu 19-Dec-19 18:48:36

Gutterton YYY, and I would like to add:
#6 - The OP fears a shadow on the holiday if she puts her foot down. Worse, she believes she is the one who would be responsible for this.

I suspect what she actually means is that her H would sulk or give her the cold shoulder or nasty remarks if she folded her arms and insisted on putting off the 'friends'.

So he gets his happy holiday and she pretends her feelings haven't been hurt and she isn't giving the treatment of her home a second thought, because to behave otherwise would result in consequences from her H serious enough to put a damper on the holiday

I honestly don't know how a man could enjoy a holiday knowing somewhere at the back of his mind that he had in the days beforehand created a huge amount of extra work for his wife and insisted she get it done regardless of the fact that she had disagreed with him in the strongest possible terms about the reason for the work.

If he can draw a line under his humiliation of his wife and enjoy a holiday with her in a tent, then she has a huge problem on her hands.

Hithere2 Thu 19-Dec-19 18:27:52

And you caved thinking a list will work.

Bless your heart.

Gutterton Thu 19-Dec-19 18:26:06

This could be setting a precedent - they might tell all of your other better friends how great it was - then they ask and how does your DP say no to that? Open season?

Tangerinesandlemons Thu 19-Dec-19 18:18:18

There is no way I would want people staying in my house in my absence. What is to stop them rooting round your bank statements, other financial documents etc? As you live in a tourist place there will be plenty of accommodation. This is what hotels are for!

Sb74 Thu 19-Dec-19 18:10:09

Op, please come back and tell us you’ve seen sense and been assertive with DH to stop this. You reached out to mumsnet for our opinion. The consensus is overwhelmingly pleading with you not to allow this to go ahead and tackle your DH’s attitude towards you. We can’t all be wrong on this, you know it, you asked if you are BU and you most certainly are not. Please find the courage to stop this outrageous lack of respect towards you from all involved. We are with you. Good luck.

Gutterton Thu 19-Dec-19 17:27:38

Quite a few things wrong here - is there a repeated pattern in the rest of your RS:

1. He makes unilateral decisions and doesn’t consult you. This is an unequal RS.

2. He doesn’t accept when there is an issue and adapt / compromise which means you have no agency or power in this RS.

3. You are not his priority and you are not being heard. You are inferior to him.

4. His own personal / social discomfort to random acquaintances trumps the deep feelings and needs of you his DP.

5. He is not treating you with kindness and respect - I would expect bitterness and contempt will be building in you.

I would step up now and put down a v firm boundary to reclaim any balance / test your RS. See it as a development opportunity which will invest in your dignity and RS. His response will tell you all you need to know.

Maybe he will be proud of you - maybe you can show him how to be assertive (which he seems unable to be with random people).

Take control. Calmly politely rescind the invite - v simple words - not details “Sorry change of plan - house now it available”.

Then enjoy your holiday in peace. These shenanigans to date have cost you weeks of stress rowing with you DH, time, money, stress preparing for them, stress worrying whilst you are away - blighting your own holiday - and that’s before you even know what you will be coming back to - best case is more time, money, effort to clear up - eating into your relaxation time.

So feel the fear and do it anyway. Don’t do that passive aggressive list you will look a dick and be a laughing stock as it gets shared around your “friendship group” - be calm and assertive.

Don’t play game with your OH it will just breed contempt. Take control action it to free your RS from unnecessary stress.

Mia1415 Thu 19-Dec-19 16:30:02

There is absolutely no way on earth I'd agree to this. There is not a chance in hell I'd let someone stay in my house, sleep in my bed, sleep in my children's bed that I didn't know really, really well! Absolutely no chance. I can't believe you are going along with this.

Motoko Thu 19-Dec-19 11:30:02

What’s the betting the OP is back complaining about this next month!

Don't think so. Even with a namechange, people would suss she's the poster of this thread, and she'd get pps telling her it's her own fault, that she was warned and given advice, but chose to ignore it.

StormTreader Thu 19-Dec-19 10:21:02

Sounds like your husband needs to be reminded why "happy wife, happy life" is such a classic saying.
You should be his TOP priority, that's what marriage means,

GabriellaMontez Thu 19-Dec-19 10:20:19

I used to have a people pleasing husband. But I was always bottom of his list of people to please!

He's now xh. It's so refreshing.

fedup21 Thu 19-Dec-19 10:13:58

What’s the betting the OP is back complaining about this next month!

What do we reckon?

Empty fridge?
Massive electricity bills?
Spilt red wine that hasn’t been cleaned up properly?
Shagging in the bed and sheets not changed?

Sb74 Thu 19-Dec-19 10:10:05

@MalarkeyMouse. Ha ha love it.

Sb74 Thu 19-Dec-19 10:07:00

OP I echo nearly every other post on here. Why are you going along with this? This is your home. Your sanctuary. I would be reluctant to let my family stay in my home without me let alone these people who are clearly taking the piss. Do they have something on your DH? Don’t want to stir it but why the hell would your DH go along with this either? How can you enjoy your holiday knowing they’re in your house? I would feel invaded. I feel very sorry for you op, genuinely. You’re trying to be a nice understanding wife but your DH isn’t reciprocating. Your dh is at fault. CF will always try their luck but your DH has enabled them. I hope you can have a good Christmas OP. I hope you resolve this. X

IamtheDevilsAvocado Thu 19-Dec-19 05:43:07

I'd definitely do a version of this....

Seriously... Why is your OH prioritising these CF needs over yours???

I've let good friends stay... No issue... I wanted to help out... Like the best kind of family...
It would be a massive no from me...I have pals I haven't seen irl for 3 years... But we speak /skype and are involved in each others lives.

The absolute last straw was the non return of messages... These people are not your friends... They're just free loaders who think they've done well for themselves. Your oh has enabled them.

Oh have some fun with it, go on! Phone them up and gush:

"I didn't realise DH was going to blab about our B&B plans so early on so I haven't got the website up and running yet, but I'm just so excited that you two are going to be our first customers! Obviously without the website you will need to do a direct transfer for the deposit - i'll email you our bank details - did DH say how much it would be? No? Well it's £150 as a deposit, and then another £150 per night, payable the week before you arrive. What am I saying, this should be mates rates... I'll knock 15% off. Oh you'll have to let me know if you'd like me to leave you a breakfast hamper. It's £15 per person but the sausages and bacon come from a wonderful local farm blah blah blah"

MalarkeyMouse Thu 19-Dec-19 04:49:46

'Delighted to hear you're coming to help out when we are away. It's sooo long since we've heard from you.

Did we have the six rescue dogs when we last spoke? Having them is wonderful - you'll love it and it'll save us a fortune in kennels.

The eldest two are sadly incontinent, but you'll find the dustpan and brush and carpet cleaner in the utility room. We like them to have full roam of the house in their old age - if they have any accidents on your bed, the bio washing powder is on the shelf above the rats' cage.

Re walking the other dogs, a couple of long walks a day should suffice. I'll leave some fresh tripe in the fridge if you wouldn't mind cutting it up for them.

Much love, OP'

SarahNade Thu 19-Dec-19 02:51:51

Gutless OP, you are absolutely gutless and a stepford wife. There shouldn't be a 'list of rules' because you shouldn't be allowing it, in the first place. Sorry but you're a coward, and have let him get away with this. If they snoop in your things, you will deserve it.

memaymamo Thu 19-Dec-19 02:36:09

Does your DH realise that having them to stay will cost your family money on the utility bills?

Nanny0gg Wed 18-Dec-19 18:01:08

Why does your 'people pleaser' husband want to please other people and not you?

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 18-Dec-19 17:57:20

You know OP, you will be known as Mr and Mrs Mug from now on. CF couple must be laughing their arses off.

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