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Still upset with DH for behaviour years ago.

(96 Posts)
Tookseveralnamechanges Fri 13-Dec-19 09:37:41

Am I being unreasonable to still be upset? He treated me and my home like shit and kissed my friend. Something happened when he was away on a work trip but he swears it wasn't sex. He was messaging the gorl afterwards though, but he didnt after i found out. I was pregnant with our second at the time.
We broke up (he left me! shock) for a few months and got back together when i had our baby. Conveniently he became interested again as soon as i stopped caring about him.

I was and still am incredibly hurt but the problem is he has been a model partner since the split. Wd have had our ups and downs but he generally puts me and the kids first now.
If i had met him after the break he would be the one. The amazing husband. Perfect life partner. But he wrecked it by fucking me over for the first few years of our relationship.

I dont really care if he only came back for the children, because i did too. And we have grown and worked hard to make things work well and have a nice life.

We are currently pregnant again, and in the process of looking for our first house to buy.
But i have this crippling fear that it is all too good to be true and he showed me his true colours years ago and has been hiding ever since.

I dont want to leave him because i love the man he is now, and we were really young when we met and quite young when i fell pregnant. He was my first ever boyfriend.
He says that he was young and stupid and he is embarrassed by his actions. We still talk about it sometimes but he can't tell me why he messed me around and treated me so appallingly.
He gave his parents rent and cleaned up after himself before we moved into together and had a baby. So its not like i went with a slob who needed to grow up. He regressed and became selfish when we moved in together. But i fell pregnant very quickly and so i was stuck.

If he treated me even half as badly as how he used to now i would up and leave immediately.

This was almost a decade ago. He has been on the straight and narrow.
He comes home from work nd will tidy up the kids bedroom before making dinner. He'll tell me to go to bed for a nap if i say i feel tired. He buys me treats from the shop or if he goes to a kfc for lunch at work he'll get me a wrap or something small and save it for me (kfc was my only non nausiating food in first trimester) and he even stands up for me if his family make digs. Which was a big source of tension pre split.
We go on days out and to the park most days as a family, unless hes working really late.
He hasnt been on a night out since last xmas and he has started saving.
All of this were on the list of things we argued about and he changed every single thing. I feel comfortable and happy with him 99% of the time but every now and then someone will cheat on tv or ill read a LTB thread on mumsnet and it will all come flooding back.

I was up last night until nearly 3am crying my eyes out. I messaged him and told him how i was feeling and he called and appologised (again) but it isnt enough. He said 'you do realise i am the same person i was then? I cant change anything i did back then even though i wish i could'

And it hit me like a tonne of bricks. There is nothing he can ever say that will stop the hurt. Nothing he can ever do that will stop me cryong randomly in the middlw of the night because i thought about it.

Has anyone ever 'got over' cheating and bad spousal behaviour? Does it ever stop hurting? Almost 10 years on and i still feel sad enough to cry for hours and hours. Not every night but maybe once or twice a year. And i am worried about feeling like it forever. Especially as we are soon to have another baby and a new home to deal with.

Tookseveralnamechanges Fri 13-Dec-19 09:38:43

Bloody hell that was long. Sorry for going on. I think it may also be hormones contributing.

ChampagneCommunist Fri 13-Dec-19 09:41:46

I'm not voting, as it's never unreasonable to feel pain after a partner cheated.

But, it's been 10 years. You need to move on (with counselling for yourself, I would suggest) or leave.

Bluntness100 Fri 13-Dec-19 09:42:15

I think maybe you need to seek some help, some counselling. It's not normal to be still crying about this ten years later and it's not fair on your partner that he's still apologising.

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 13-Dec-19 09:42:46

YABVVU to yourself.

He is right, he did a wrong thing and you both chose to deal with it.

But you don't seem to have parked all of your emotions. You sound as though you desperately need to speak to a counselor, therapist and work through all of those emotions.

Put it top of your Christmas list and New Year's resolutions.

Good luck

Obligatorync Fri 13-Dec-19 09:43:28

I have been in a very, very similar situation. In yours, I'd think hard about what bothers you. Do you feel he's still not been honest? Do you feel he hasn't explained fully? Do you feel he hasn't really changed? Counselling might help (on your own I mean). Help you to make a firm choice.
It is very hard to have your happiness wrapped up in someone else. It's always a gamble.
In your case if you are genuinely convinced he has developed as a person, I probably would end up deciding to continue the relationship.
But you will probably never completely trust him again. That's not necessarily a bad thing. No one is completely trustworthy.

Liveandforget Fri 13-Dec-19 09:45:13

You can't force yourself to forget. Your subconscious will keep reminding you. You're not over it. Also the fact that he treated you appallingly during pregnancy when you were at your most vulnerable is the worst bit here I think.

I think counselling might be advisable here.

FoamingAtTheUterus Fri 13-Dec-19 09:46:06

It sounds like he's proved himself to me.........he was young, selfish and a twat. But with age comes wisdom, it really does. He'll, I did things to people I wasn't proud of when I was younger too. I wouldn't even dream of pulling those stunts now.

If you really can't get over this then leave, but to me it seems like a ridiculous reason to pull apart a stable, functioning family. Maybe couples counseling or something is what you need ?? But the overall outcome will still need to be the same, as in you need to move forward.

PlasticPatty Fri 13-Dec-19 09:46:22

It was long, but very well expressed. I am sorry you are in this position.

Have you had any counselling/therapy? That might be worth trying.

To an observer with years of therapy behind them, it looks like what you need is to be sure of yourself and confident within yourself that you are making informed choices about your life that are right for you. You need to explore the feelings that make you think you need him, rather than want him. Because actually, you are a strong, independent person in your own right, without him. You can choose to go through life with him, or choose not to. Definitely get yourself some therapy, somewhere to talk through your beliefs about yourself and your relationship.

RealMermaid Fri 13-Dec-19 09:47:58

It is not unreasonable to be hurt after that kind of behaviour, but it is unreasonable to be holding it against him 10 years later. It is manipulative and unfair at this point to be still asking him to apologise for something that happened so long ago. If you cannot get over what happened then it is unfair on both of you to be in this relationship.

Andysbestadventure Fri 13-Dec-19 09:48:51

Seek help. It has been ten years. Figure out how to process it and move on. Bloody hell.

heartsonacake Fri 13-Dec-19 09:50:12

YABU. You can’t keep punishing him and making him feel guilty for something he did so long ago. It’s unfair.

You have two choices. You either have to decide if you can’t live with it, that you’ll always resent him and be angry/upset at him for it, in which case you need to leave him. Or you decide you want to stay with him, and by choosing this second choice you have to forgive him and you have to draw a line under it.

You cannot make him feel guilty about it and continue apologising for it forever. That is emotionally cruel.

AnyFucker Fri 13-Dec-19 09:50:38

Was he working at 3am or don't you live together ?

Delbelleber Fri 13-Dec-19 09:54:00

I think it's a totally personal decision. It's extremely hard to move on from broken trust as the same questions keep going around in your mind. I don't think I would be able to stay with a man that cheated on me. However I have a friend that was in a similar position to you and they got back together, bought a house and had kids together and as far as I'm aware she is happy and not holding the grudge and they have been together atleast over 15years.... Everyone handles things differently. Could you try counselling then make your decision. flowers

OrlandoInTheWilderness Fri 13-Dec-19 09:54:04

It was ten years ago. You made the choice to try again and he has proved himself - you can't keep holding this over him.

Tookseveralnamechanges Fri 13-Dec-19 09:58:32

@Obligatorync
I really do trust him, but only 99% of the time. I think he was telling the truth about it but he could never tell me why he put a kiss and a fumble before me and the kids.
It might be hitting me harder because i am pregnant and this happened the last time i was pregnant.

I think i just want him to say 'i wanted to cheat because i hated you and youade me feel trapped and made me stop going out so i blamed you for losing my youth' or something. He will always say 'lets not bring up the past' or 'i dont know why i did it i just did it'

Im scared because if i dont know what caused him to do it how can i manage my own behaviour to ensure i dont push him to it again.

Also he never showed me the girl or told me her name. So she could be a model or she could be normal.
Also the friend he kissed was- not that i thought it until after the even and i dont want to sound shallow- but she was fairly chubby and had bad skin and wasn't 'competition'. I had just had a baby and lost all the weight, took care of myself and looked as good as i could. If he will kiss someone who is less attractive then what chance do i have? It was literally a 'anyone but you' kiss. Which is where my anger mostly lies. I could understand more of he kissed hallie berry or someone who is 10x better looking than me, but she wasnt and she managed to grab his attention.
I know it sounds horrible and like i am shallow but if try hard me couldnt keep him then fat pregnant me who cant even reach to shave her legs anymore or have time to wear makeup anymore definietly wont be able to keep his attentions.

im not that bothered about being insulting to a friend who will kiss the father of my children though

user27495824 Fri 13-Dec-19 09:59:45

I thought you were making excuses for him until you said you were both very young before he 'changed'. How young is very young? There is some very interesting research about brain development not reaching maturity until age 25 that might be worth reading. 18 being an adult is an arbitrary number when science says our brains are still developing. If he was 25 or under and he's been a mature, responsible father and partner ever since I really think it's time to draw a line under it and I'm not someone who is sympathetic with cheaters.

There must be a reason you are still hung up about this. I don't want to simply discount it as hormones, although I find being pregnant did make me heavily scrutinize my relationship and paternal suitability of my DC's father more than pre-pregnancy, and I assume that is a biological drive.

If it isn't just hormones, maybe there are other things making you feel vulnerable in the relationship. Do you both socialise child free sometimes or just him? Is there an imbalance there maybe?

Tookseveralnamechanges Fri 13-Dec-19 10:00:13

Also my oarents still have arguments about how my dad treated my mum when i was a baby and when she was pregnant with me. And thats nearly 3x as long as ive been upset.
They still have fairly heated arguments about it and she still is clearly very upset. (He went with her friend too)

motherheroic Fri 13-Dec-19 10:06:56

You should have gotten back together because you had forgiven him, not 'for the sake of the children'.

audweb Fri 13-Dec-19 10:07:03

You don’t have to hold onto it just because your mum and dad did. It was ten years ago. You either need to find a way to let go and move on together, or let him go. He’s changed, apologised and it’s unfair after ten years to still be apologetic for something that clearly was a mistake. If he hadn’t changed his behaviour at all, I could understand holding onto the mistrust but it sounds like he really has grown up. We all make mistakes in life, and we deserve second chances especially when we do things to change the behaviour that caused the mistake.

81Byerley Fri 13-Dec-19 10:08:44

My husband, who is 75, says young men are "driven by their dicks". He says it doesn't make that sort of behaviour right, but that's the only way to describe it. And the dilemma is that the women these men are cheating on have very different mental and emotional feelings about relationships. If you take it back to a primal level, males want to spread their seed as far as possible, to make their gene pool larger. Females want to find the strongest best male to father their children. They have completely different mindsets.
There are even thousands of jokes about it. It sounds as if he's grown up now. I know it's hard to forget, but perhaps it's time to forgive.

cantfindname Fri 13-Dec-19 10:09:31

You need professional help, not Mumsnet. It is not normal to be crying until 3am ten years after the event and not normal to keep using this as a stick to beat him with.

It sounds like the problem isn't his behaviour all those years ago but more about your insecurity and inability to let go and trust. He sounds like the husband many on here could only dream of having since he got his act together.

Be warned (not meant in a nasty way) but I know someone who recently kicked her OH out 30 years (yes, thirty) after a similar problem. She has made a huge mistake and she knows it now. He would have moved heaven and earth for her but she stayed wrapped in the same drama for all those years and refused to see past it. She is now on the verge of a major breakdown and a desperately unhappy woman who misses her OH terribly. But she still can't face the truth and go for some counselling.

ohwheniknow Fri 13-Dec-19 10:10:14

It makes sense that being pregnant again would be bringing this up for you. I really think you need to try and be a bit kinder to yourself about that.

I don't understand why you think it's something you "made" him do originally and something you're responsible for "preventing", rather than bad choices he made of his own free will and for which he is responsible.

What other people choose to do is not your fault. Although I appreciate blaming yourself might make you feel more in control and as if you could have the power to protect yourself from it even happening again - unfortunately you can't.

Would you consider counselling for yourself?

Tookseveralnamechanges Fri 13-Dec-19 10:11:04

@PlasticPatty
How much is therapy about? I am seriously considering using some of the deposit we have and post poning the house a year or two because I dont know if I can manage these feelings much longer. Especially with hormones involved.

Also sorry to drip feed but it just occurred to me, he has gotten a promotion recently and the extra responsibilities involve working away and trips that last a week or so. He couldnt manage being tempted with an empty hotel room before so i suppose i am worried about that in the near future.

He has said that maybe we should think twice about buying a house because 2 years ago I got really upset and depressed (work trips and long hours again) and i made him take 2 months off work (we lived off our savings but couldnt really afford it). We wouldnt be able to do that if we had a house to keep paying because he would lose his job if it happened again. I was in a really bad way though and just needed him with me. Again, crying at night, calling him at 2 am asking him to go through it with me.

I imagine it is annoying to have the worst thing youve ever done talked about over and over.
But i really feel like i need him to talk about it and reassure me that he wont do it again. Every time it is brought up he tells me i shpuld leave him if i cant trust him. And i end up getting angry because it feels like he wants that.

I think i will suggest couples therapy.

strawberry2017 Fri 13-Dec-19 10:13:42

You need to move on, this is not healthy.
You stayed together and he's been a good man for 10 years.
You need help for the issues you have with the situation coz if you keep holding on to it you will end up causing more problems.

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