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to just want to cut her off?

(68 Posts)
bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:12:40

Really awful situation. Fled from my ex with my son. Moved 200 miles away. Lots of domestic abuse. His brother's girlfriend was close to and very much loved my son. We referred to her as aunty. I moved away when my son was 3 months old. She has split up from my exes brother. Our contact has dwindled and I am useless at responding to messages. It's just not possible to see her often. I like her but she's 10 years younger than me (and I'm in my 20s) and we just have very different priorities in life. She's obviously upset I've moved away, but I needed to be with my family. I think she's the type of person who likes to text and talk all the time. I'm a single mum with a full time job. I just don't have time. Is it awful that I don't really think of her as an aunty? And don't feel the need to keep in touch? It was her and her partner that used the aunty title. I'm feeling guilty.

bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:15:28

I hate this incessant need to appease people and not upset people. I fucking hate my ex for making me do scared of everything

OlaEliza Thu 12-Dec-19 12:15:29

How hard is it to respond to the odd text message? confused

TheReluctantCountess Thu 12-Dec-19 12:16:57

Is more of a needy little sister type than a friend? You don’t need the hassle of that.

bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:17:16

It's not the odd text message. I used to wake up with a message every morning, sometimes twice a day just saying 'u ok' and I don't always have time to respond. Of course I reply to people who message me a normal amount. Not always immediately though.

bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:18:33

@thereluctantcountess yes exactly that! Just wants to gossip and messages once or twice a day with 'u ok' or just 'hi wuu2'

littlepaddypaws Thu 12-Dec-19 12:22:37

a quick answer and crack on with your day, let it peter out, she'll find other things to do if your'e always busy with dc.

churchandstate Thu 12-Dec-19 12:23:06

This is why we have a rule that the only aunties and uncles in our family (people DD calls auntie and uncle) are people there for the long, long term, either our own siblings or in-laws, not someone’s brother’s short-term girlfriend.

I think you have to be kind and distant with this one, if you haven’t got time for a relationship.

Loopytiles Thu 12-Dec-19 12:25:42

So you only lived nearby her until your DS was three months old?

If so then there was no actual relationship between them. She’s not his aunty.

Rachelle1980 Thu 12-Dec-19 12:30:19

Did she know him for 3 months then? Or did I misunderstand the op?

I wouldn't hesitate to just back off Comms gently, with a hint or two ("busy week, hope you're well")... It sounds like you've got a lot on, don't try and meet her daily expectations because it sounds like you/your son couldn't have been very close. Maybe she's just a bit bored and used to her friendship group messaging a lot.

ChuckleBuckles Thu 12-Dec-19 12:35:25

I think generic "all fine here, just very busy" every once in a while would be OK but I would have concerns she may feed info back to your abusive ex, I would thread very carefully with her OP. But maybe she is just that age that spends their life on their phones (as I type on my phone)

bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:38:02

She sends him letters in the post saying 'please don't forget that I will always be your aunty. I love you to the moon and back. You are everything to me' - it's sweet but he's only 13 months old so can't read it so clearly she's done it for me to read. I think I am worrying too much. I'm trying to recover from domestic abuse, and am going through the family court system so have a lot on. She just seems do self absorbed.

bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:39:02

Exactly. She's addicted to get phone. On it all the time. I use Mumsnet sometimes when I'm having a crisis! But most of the time don't know where my phone is !

TheReluctantCountess Thu 12-Dec-19 12:46:31

I think you would be doing the right thing to cut off contact before she becomes too reliant on you emotionally. That sort of thing can be really draining.

OlaEliza Thu 12-Dec-19 12:50:12

How is she self absorbed if she's asking after you? She might just be nice and knows what you've been through so is trying to be supportive and a constant friend. Not just dropping you because you've moved.

How many times are ppl cunted off on here for flitting in and out of children's lives?

Winkywoop Thu 12-Dec-19 12:50:13

Does she have a learning disability?

bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:54:45

@olaeliza I have just fled 200 miles from an abusive relationship, am working full time, and have a 13 month old baby to look after. I am being dragged through the family court system and have had to get a restraining order against my ex who said he wanted to kill me. I am suffering from anxiety and yes, I do believe that she is self absorbed. All conversation revolves around her. She has no insight in to what other people may be going through.

What does cunted off mean? 😯

bakabakabeyond Thu 12-Dec-19 12:56:08

@winkywoop no, she definitely doesn't.

VisionQuest Thu 12-Dec-19 12:57:01

I'd just block her number and move on if I were you!

Drum2018 Thu 12-Dec-19 13:15:30

Block her. She's not part of your baby's family therefore no need to have her in his life. She doesn't live near you so you can block, breathe a sigh of relief and let her find someone else's baby to obsess over.

FrivolousPancake Thu 12-Dec-19 13:19:32

She doesn’t sound like she’s all there? Weird for you to allow their “relationship” to flourish and the aunty name etc but now to cut her off.

Ginkypig Thu 12-Dec-19 13:19:52

If she is 10 years younger she is what mid teens in age?

Most teenagers are like you describe. She hasn't probably matured yet, that's not her fault but due to that she probably can't see the big picture or she can but only from her perspective and where she sits on it.

She likely doesn't realise that her texting lots is just adding pressure on you at the moment because you just have nothing to give. All she is thinking is someone she likes a lot and the baby she loves and got the title auntie to has left and she misses them.

Ginkypig Thu 12-Dec-19 13:20:39

Properly*

ActualHornist Thu 12-Dec-19 13:25:57

So she’s a young teenager?

Obviously you don’t have to continue the relationship if you don’t want, but you’re the adult here, it might be nice if you called her and talked to her?

It’s totally normal for teens to text allllll the time and expect quick responses to complete non-questions. If you don’t want to continue the relationship, please don’t just ghost her. That’s quite unfair considering her age and the attachment she clearly feels towards your son.

MistyCloud Thu 12-Dec-19 13:26:29

YANBU

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