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Husband had an affair.....what to do next

(94 Posts)
Notjustabrunette Thu 12-Dec-19 09:35:26

Hello all, my husband had an affair which last 6 months. He ended it, but I found out shortly after by accident. He wasn’t planning to fess up.
He has explained that it wasn’t about me, he has been dealing with some issues Lately around his self worth and need of approval. To give this some background his birth was the result of his parents having a work place affair. His dad was married with two kids, the wife found out that he had gotten an other woman pregnant and they all moved to Australia to never be seen again.
His mum left her husband and later remarried a man who although very nice was not very paternal. My husband was brought in as an only child in a strange environment as both parents did not give him time, but chose instead to through money at the situation. Examples of this would be that he went to a very good school but never helped with homework, they bought him a bike but didn’t teach him how to ride it.
As a couple we have grown apart the past couple of years after having children. My husband has become very focused on work as a way to ‘prove’ himself. He says the affair was about having someone else saying how amazing he is, not about replacing me.
We have been to couples therapy which has helped but in the last session (yesterday) was an
individual session for just me going through the past 6 months of pain, rejection and hurt has really thrown me. Is this something I can ever get ‘over’?
He is very regretful and is giving everything he can to put things right again but I cannot shake the feeling that he deceived me for 6 months!
Has anyone recovered from an affair?

Inliverpool1 Thu 12-Dec-19 09:40:28

Nope.
The first one I caught him red handed, was 7 months pregnant, 8 months after our wedding. The usual tears etc
2nd one I found a bottle of massage oil in his overnight bag with 5% missing from when he’d you know given himself a massage whilst away with work.
The 3rd one I just knew. No evidence but I knew.
Ffs do not waste 10 years of your life on the ungrateful bastard, he doesn’t deserve you.

Inliverpool1 Thu 12-Dec-19 09:42:52

Pressed post too soon.
I have issues around my childhood, Many many people do but they don’t fuck their own families up by having affairs.

Mistlewoeandwhine Thu 12-Dec-19 09:43:57

He sounds like he has a huge amount of issues to work through. I have a similar background and know how much I look to other people for validation. I do actually understand why he would have an affair.
But saying that, his problems are not yours to solve. You don’t have to fix him. Really it’s just down to whether or not you can bear to be with him. And you don’t have to.

NellieEllie Thu 12-Dec-19 09:45:31

Not been through this, apart from brief fling at beginning of relationship but an affair would not be a definite end to relationship for me. But it would be for some. It’s just totally about you, and what you can get over, or not. I can imagine the deceit over a 6 month period, the questions, when, where, what lies were told when he was seeing her etc are going to be hard.

Do you want to be able to get over it? It may mean time, an agreed though maybe informal separation to give you space and see if counselling can help. You don’t have to make a decision yet whether you want to continue the marriage, you can take some time. You have children which complicates things a little too.

TooTrueToBeGood Thu 12-Dec-19 09:48:46

It's not just 6 months of shagging someone else. It's six months of lying, deceit, scheming and underhand planning, consciously betraying not just you but his children as well. If you think you can ever trust someone who can sustain that level of selfishness and dishonesty for a prolonged period of time you are wrong. Besides, if you believe his excuses, why do you think he won't succumb to his need to be validated by another woman in the future?

ringme Thu 12-Dec-19 09:49:19

Everyone has a past and everyone has some issue or another, not everyone fucks over their family because of them.
If you can bear it and bury the pain then fine but if he can’t work out his problems a couple of years down the line he’ll be giving the same excuses.

Get yourself checked for STIs.

PlasticPatty Thu 12-Dec-19 09:51:11

Hang on... that's a lot of extenuating circumstances for him, isn't it? He had an affair because his parents did, because you'd grown apart? Because no-one taught him to ride his bike?? Bull shit ! He had an affair because he got hard and thought he'd get away with shagging another woman.

Of course you can't 'shake the feeling'. Who the hell is telling you that you ought to do that? Why should you get over it? He deceived you. He broke your marriage contract.

What to do next? See a solicitor and divorce his arse off.

FlashingLights101 Thu 12-Dec-19 09:51:29

I think although his childhood sounds hard, he is now an adult and should be able to find ways of coping and getting through how he felt as a child (therapy etc). To use that as an excuse for cheating on you is unacceptable and I suspect designed to make you feel bad for him. If he's just said outright "I wanted a bit of fun" it would probably have been harder for you to forgive him, but instead he's made you feel sorry for him.

He is an adult and can make his own choices and he chose to not only deceive you for 6 months, but also had no intention of telling you. If you hadn't found out, who's to say he wouldn't have just started another affair, because I'm sure the need to have someone tell you "how amazing you are" (for those who need such validation) doesn't just disappear overnight.

If my DH did this, even if I could bring myself to forgive him (which would be bloody hard in the circumstances), I would never be able to forget. And that would eat away at me and probably not make me a very nice person to live with, which would ultimately destroy our marriage anyway. So I guess you have to think about how you're going to feel a year from now - will you have forgiven and forgotten, or will you always be checking his phone or wondering where he is if he's half an hour late home from work?

AnyFucker Thu 12-Dec-19 09:54:51

I had a shitty childhood. Proper issues here.

Do I cheat on my husband ? No. Because I love him and don't want to hurt him

He might want to excuse himself but I would not buy it.

sarahjconnor Thu 12-Dec-19 09:56:15

the fact he is using his childhood as an excuse and it 'isn't his fault' means he isn't taking responsibility. I wouldn't trust him.

Bluntness100 Thu 12-Dec-19 09:58:53

I think to get over it he has to own it. Thr bullshit about his parents causing him to have an affair, poor him, it wasn't his fault, has to stop.

He met her, he fancied her, he had a relationship with her. Because he wanted to. He didn't get naked with her and have sex with her repeatedly because his parents didn't teach him to ride a bike.

He did it because he wanted to. He enjoyed it.

Until he owns it, there is no way to get over it.

Aridane Thu 12-Dec-19 10:00:11

What to do next? See a solicitor and divorce his arse off

What do you want to do?

I assume from counselling you want to save the marriage.

It is very difficult. Yes, some people to get over it but it takes time and a lot of hard work

selmabear Thu 12-Dec-19 10:04:38

OP you're making excuses for his behaviour. Dont care what's happened to him, the outcome doesn't mean he has to have an affair and lie and cheat for 6 whole months. He had the affair cause he wanted to, not because of his childhood, not because someone didn't teach him to ride a bike. In my experience you never get over an affair. My ex slept with someone once and that hung over our head like a black cloud for years afterwards. I will never regret giving our relationship another go otherwise we wouldn't have had our beautiful children but the betrayal and memory of what he did never went away, not really, it was a like an annoying humm. Everytime I remembered what he had done it always sparked a flame of anger. It wasn't the only reason why we broke up eventually but it was absolutely a factor.

6demandingchildren Thu 12-Dec-19 10:04:43

My husband had an affair about 4 years after we married, and I admit that I didn't help matters as I pushed him away, it hurt for many years, we didn't go for counselling but we did agree to talk more and cuddle more, he said that is wasn't just sex it was an escape as he didn't want to burden me.
Since this awful time we talk so much more and he is now very open about his feelings. This was almost 20 years ago now and while we don't have a perfect marriage we do now have a bloody good one.

beautifulstranger101 Thu 12-Dec-19 10:05:47

What bothers me about this scenario is him appearing to take no responsibility for his own actions. Oh he's full of excuses isn't he? "I had a rough childhood!" Lots of us did- doesnt give us free reign to treat people like crap. "I have low self esteem!"- so see a therapist then or order some self help books from amazon. Shagging someone else and lying to your wife for months is not going to fix low self esteem, its planting a bomb under your family unit and blowing it to smithereens.

I'm sorry but these all sound like incredibly lame excuses to me and that would bother me far more than the affair. If he would just admit his behaviour was wrong and hurtful and he did it because he was selfish I'd have more respect for him. Obviously, its up to you what you do from now on but I would be very concerned that in a year's time this would happen again. It doesnt sound like he has truly learnt from this experience or shown genuine remorse.

FestiveFavourites Thu 12-Dec-19 10:06:44

He's using his childhood as a pathetic excuse. If you genuinely want to mend your marriage, then try couples counselling. He doesn't sound remorseful though, and only confessed after you confronted him. It doesn't sound promising.

RedRec Thu 12-Dec-19 10:09:31

Excuses, excuses.

erasemybrain Thu 12-Dec-19 10:14:31

Surely his childhood has taught him how damaging affairs are? Especially to your children.

I think his time for counselling was before the affair if his childhood bothers him that much.

As an adult he makes and is responsible for his own choices.

You have your own choices too and only you know if you can cope with this. Just make an informed choice. Best wishes to you

Afternooninthepark Thu 12-Dec-19 10:16:35

Many of us have issues but we can’t all use that as an easy get out card for having an affair. I met someone a few years ago, he gave me a much needed boost when my depression was at an all time high, there was an opportunity to have an affair but I walked away from it, nothing happened and I now see that it would have been a absolute disaster to mine and my loved ones lives. My husband and family are way too important to me. I personally don’t think many relationships can come back from affairs even if that person who had the affair is then faithful, it will always be like a white elephant in the room for the rest of your lives.

CrazySpanielLover Thu 12-Dec-19 10:16:38

He wasn’t planning to fess up.

It may not be the first time he has had an affair and if he got away with it he would have done it again. This is the long and short of it.

It always amazes me how women or the injured party are made to feel guilty over the reasons for the affair. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to make any decisions. You don't need to decide on anything. You do whatever suits you, what is best for you and when is a good time for you. It is not on his terms now, it is on yours.

Tell him you will let him know when you have decided what to do about his affair and how you want the next chapter of YOUR life to be.

Inliverpool1 Thu 12-Dec-19 10:17:32

We tried counselling. My experience is exactly as yours was that counselling produced the “why” if you like. Well marvellous we’ve now got a reason. However he still made a choice that was not in your family’s best interests. I wouldn’t use any services ever again if they acted against my families best interests.

twoshedsjackson Thu 12-Dec-19 10:18:02

He wants to be told how terrific he is? Don't suppose many people are telling him he's terrific now...….

Span1elsRock Thu 12-Dec-19 10:21:10

I'm embarrassed for him, reading those excuses.

My parents left me deeply scarred with my upbringing; if anything it's just made me more determined to be a better parent than they ever were. Never would I consider it a free pass to cheat on my DH hmm

He's lying out of his arse, frankly - and you're a fool to believe him, sorry.

Don't you deserve better?

CakeandCustard28 Thu 12-Dec-19 10:21:49

I had a Terrible childhood, never cheated on my DH. What a poor excuse! You deserve better.

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