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To feel let down by friend?

(141 Posts)
changeisasgoodas Wed 11-Dec-19 20:42:09

I would appreciate opinions on whether I'm being over sensitive or not, as it's really been bugging me:

9 months ago I found a text on DH's phone to another woman. He admitted he'd been having an affair. Our marriage was over that night.

I was distraught. I messaged a friend who lives across the road to tell her what had happened and could I come round?

She sent me a text back saying yes, I could come round, but they were about to eat, so she'd let me know when it was convenient.

I was very hurt. If a friend sent me that text I would drop everything to be there for them. A therapist I saw a short while afterwards suggested she was being ' boundaried'and I needed to learn from her.

Was IBU to be hurt and feel let down by my friend?

Neverender Wed 11-Dec-19 20:45:16

YANBU - you need better friends. I wouldn't have gone.

Neverender Wed 11-Dec-19 20:45:44

She made you feel like an utter nuisance

CakeandCustard28 Wed 11-Dec-19 20:45:53

You can’t expect her to just drop everything and run round after you. She has her own life and own responsibilities. Long as spoke to you after she was finished, I don’t see the issue and think your making something out of nothing.

FrankRattlesnake Wed 11-Dec-19 20:48:00

Tough one... on one hand YABU to expect her to drop everything there and then and I actually admire her for saying I can’t right now but will be available shortly, but on the other hand I can understand why you feel hurt at such a vulnerable time.

Maybe focus on the fact that she was willing to be there for you and offer support but couldn’t at that exact minute.

changeisasgoodas Wed 11-Dec-19 20:48:12

Thank you. Mixed responses. For a bit of context, I have NEVER asked to go round urgently and without prior arrangement previously.

CupidIsFired Wed 11-Dec-19 20:48:48

IMO a good friend will be there for you when you need, especially a situation such as this. If my friend sent me that text I would tell her come around right away and sit with her for as long as needed. Not be there when it was convenient for me.

Your friend is not a good friend.

TuttiCutie Wed 11-Dec-19 20:53:22

So she made you wait? What, half an hour, an hour?

What's her circumstances - e.g. did she need to get kids fed so her DH could them take them out of the way? Had she just got in from work having not eaten or sat down all day?

In the nine months since, has she been a good friend and a good support?

IdiotInDisguise Wed 11-Dec-19 20:55:16

I would say she is not a good friend.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 11-Dec-19 20:55:23

When did she get in touch? Did she get in touch?!

She could have said, give me twenty minutes first then come over.

Pancakeflipper Wed 11-Dec-19 20:59:24

If this was typical behaviour then she's not a true friend. But if it was out of character then I'd not focus on it. She might have been having some drama herself that moment or not her usual self. Think we all do stuff we later regret.

changeisasgoodas Wed 11-Dec-19 20:59:30

So she works from home. Has 2 children but her DH was also there (this was 7.30pm).

In the last 9 months she was sent me 2 or 3 messages, says she'll 'pop' round but never has as she's been too busy.

Although, to be fair, I haven't asked anything of her since as I was hurt that night. She may have picked up on that.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Wed 11-Dec-19 21:00:39

I think if it was just her and her husband then she could have done more and I would definitely do the same.
If she was having a meal with little kids who need watching closely before they chuck it everywhere or climb out their high chair or had visitors or something, then maybe it's a bit more understandable. If her reply was exactly like the above though I would be hurt - it's a bit different in tone from 'I'll get dinner done and then be with you as soon as I can' or 'my husband is out, can I see you after I've put the kids to bed so we can have a proper chat', its implying you're an inconvenience

changeisasgoodas Wed 11-Dec-19 21:02:12

Pancake that's a really good point. But I would say I wasn't overly surprised by her reaction, even though I was hurt. Not entirely out of character.

I suppose she could have been having a difficult time herself that night. But with 9 months to be a good friend, and not being, I still feel hurt.

DeathStare Wed 11-Dec-19 21:02:43

That night did she actually get back to you and let you know when it was convenient?

That would be the crux for me

changeisasgoodas Wed 11-Dec-19 21:04:06

Death stare , yes she did.

TuttiCutie Wed 11-Dec-19 21:04:18

Having read your updates - Sorry but I think you've got really crossed wires, you view her as a friend, she sees you as a neighbour/acquaintance.

changeisasgoodas Wed 11-Dec-19 21:09:32

Tutti, possibly. But prior to that night we spent numerous nights round each others' houses sharing wine and confiding in each other, many days out with children, and family meals all together.

We've certainly been more like neighbours/ acquaintances since that night though.

gypsywater Wed 11-Dec-19 21:11:43

How close friends were you?! If a close friend, that is unforgivable.

DeathStare Wed 11-Dec-19 21:14:43

Death stare , yes she did

Then I think you are over-reacting I'm afraid and expecting a bit much. As horrible what you were going through was you didn't need urgent attention (ie you weren't having a heart attack or something) and she asked you to wait, what a couple of hours?

By the sounds of it her meal was ready (or practically ready). She was probably starving hungry and maybe her DH and DC also had things they needed to tell her. She probably wanted to be able to dedicate a proper period of time to listening to you and not to have to say "I'm sorry I really need food" after half an hour.

Also if a friend turned up here at dinner time and I skipped dinner and ushered them off to a private room to talk... it would be noticed! And talked about! And speculated on! And eavesdropped on! She was probably trying to sort out a way to get you some privacy without her DH and DC ear-wigging and trying to work out what was going on.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 Wed 11-Dec-19 21:22:37


VanyaHargreeves Wed 11-Dec-19 21:33:29

I don't think she was that unreasonable if she had just down to a hot dinner to make you hang on for a few minutes

Massive overreaction to be offended and even more so to consider her not a good friend.

Do you usually expect people to drop everything and attend to you instantly?

shrill Wed 11-Dec-19 21:47:48

YABU you are assuming your situation trumps hers.

Skittlesandbeer Wed 11-Dec-19 21:49:09

I think if a good friend of mine had had such a horrid shock, with such life-changing consequences, I wouldn’t be able to choke down that food. I’d be filled with compassion and sympathy. My mind would be racing with how best to help her, including a quick google of ‘emotional first aid’ to make sure I didn’t say things that make things worse.

I just wouldn’t be hungry.

Emotional first aid works like the other kind, you don’t sit around asking someone to pass the potatoes when a neighbour is physically injured, do you? You jump into action. The food will keep.

And I say this as someone who has very good friendship boundaries, that I’ve worked on a lot. I strengthen those boundaries if a friend becomes too dependant on me, or involves me in multiple dramas in a short space of time, but never in an emergency that has left them vulnerable and blind-sided. That wouldn’t be boundaries, that’d be just plain mean.

Good luck for your situation, OP, I hope you find better, real, support elsewhere.

OrangeZog Wed 11-Dec-19 21:49:38

How long did you wait until she messaged to say come round?

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