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To ask those in long term happy relationships

(52 Posts)
thisisnewname Wed 11-Dec-19 17:06:08

Are you a male or female? Which country male partner is from? Want to mention I am not racist. I am from SE Asian culture and I think there is a difference in attitude in general.

dh and I have arguments.We both are seeing separate male therapists. He makes some efforts, but has taken me for granted for some things important to me.

In my individual session, I mentioned dh being caring for me in sickness(nothing major where I really needed help), being affectionate, helping with house-chores. Therapist asked if I think it's not normal. I was trying to give some credit to dh to balance things. But therapist said these things are normal, most men look after their partners in sickness, do equal share of house-chores.

I don't think it's the norm. My opinion is based on males in my family and culture, also what I read on internet (American relationship blogs).

Dh's therapist has a little different opinion - he believes men tend to be certain ways (not so emotional, more task-oriented, can zone out). I know this because I have read his blog on his website.

I want to know what the norm is. My therapist is British, dh's is American and we both are from SE Asian background. I am the only female. And every one has a different view on how men are usually in relationship - other than basic respect, trust, etc.

Many thanks!

OrangeZog Wed 11-Dec-19 17:09:59

I’m happy in my relationship, I’m female and DH is British (English). My DH looks after me and the children when we are sick, he is affectionate, he cooks and cleans, does gardening and pulls his weight with the children. He can be terrible at paying attention when I talk to him though and sometimes we have different priorities.

Kwhatnow Wed 11-Dec-19 17:12:01

You think being affectionate helping with chores and caring while your sick isn’t the norm in a relationship ? 🤨.
Me- white British half Romany female.
Oh- white British/Irish male.

Both think it’s pretty normal for us to look after one another when we’re sick.

5foot5 Wed 11-Dec-19 17:12:16

Yup almost exactly the same as OrangeZog has written.

iklboodolphrednosedreindeer Wed 11-Dec-19 17:15:06

It's definitely normal. We're both white British. Agree with not paying attention if he's on his phone playing games though.

Pollaidh Wed 11-Dec-19 17:15:16

DH is northern European. He works full time and I work 3 days/week, professional high stress careers both. We have a weekly cleaner and a PT nanny.

DH does most of the weekend cooking, some of the laundry, all the bins, garden and DIY. He gets up with the DC most mornings, letting me sleep in, and did a lot of the night duties when they were tiny. He does half the school runs, and I do the other half. He looks after me wonderfully when I am ill (I am quite often). If children are off sick we split the time about 50/50 depending on who can most easily rearrange - i.e. if I have visitors coming to meet me, or a phone conference, I'll work those and he'll cover, and vice versa. Means we both end up making up a few hours in the evening. He does at least half the bedtimes.

I do the on-line food shop, although he puts the delivery away, I organise children schedules, clothes, medical, clubs, parties, a lot of home admin, organise cleaner, nanny etc. I do half the school runs. I do Christmas planning and buying and I'm also usually the week-time cook and menu organiser. Though if I'm tired or away DH will cook.

The majority of the cleaning is done by the cleaner, so there's little to do.

DH respects my career, as I do his. The atmosphere at home is about teamwork, playing to our strengths and mutual respect. Most of our (British / North European plus some Indian professionals) friends are very similar.

mbosnz Wed 11-Dec-19 17:16:16

We're happy in our relationship. I'm female, New Zealander, DH is British born, but identifies as a New Zealander, having shifted there when he was three.

DH is wonderful at looking after me when I'm crook, and the kids. He is both verbally and physically affectionate, and is very keyed in to family life. I do most of the housework and cooking as I'm not currently working, but he is very appreciative of that, and keen to muck in on the weekends.

If he zones out, it's generally because a lot is going on at work, and when I point it out to him, he tries hard to rectify it. And does so.

I try not to give him crap, and I won't take crap.

We have our ups and downs, but we're a team, and no matter what, we know that we have each other's backs, and that we can depend upon each other to do their best to give us what we need, and want, in our relationship. First and foremost, we know we can talk to each other, and that the other will listen. About anything.

FizzyIce Wed 11-Dec-19 17:16:55

My dh is English , he does a lot of the cleaning and house hold chores , I do all the cooking and laundry but he does all the other stuff and things I over look like dusting 😳
Have to say though he is not the best when I’m ill, he tries but I think he gets frustrated as he’s hardly ill and I seem to pick up everything .
If I was very ill though he’d step up

HulksPurplePanties Wed 11-Dec-19 17:18:09

I'm Canadian, DH is South African. We met & live in the Middle East. I work full time and am the breadwinner, DH works a job that works around the DC's school schedule, so is both an earner and primary caregiver and is damn good at it.

To be Completely honest we both suck at cleaning. I have ADHD & DH is OCD (hoarding not cleaning) so we do outsource cleaning.

Cooking, laundry is equal. Homework with kids is mostly him.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Wed 11-Dec-19 17:19:13

My husband is from a European Country. He takes care of the basics when I'm sick but empathy isn't his greatest point. He does more than me with the kids probably overall. We do house chores about 50 50. We do admin tasks about 50 50 as well.

I thought in the latest research, men thought chores were split pretty equally but they were actually split 70:30 in the womans favour. However you look at what reasons people divorce, anecdotally on here, and a lot of them are down to mens attitude on chores, so it seems a lot of women dont want to put up with that.

The only way youd be able to know what it's like in the UK would be to take a large random sample though.

Ultimately in my opinion there is no reason why having a penis means you can't do your equal share of housework (and it's an equal share of a mutual responsibility rather than helping you out). If your man wants you to stay at home and do traditional home things then presumably hes ok with the traditional set up of you not working and giving you his wage....?

Ultimately it doesn't matter what's normal for other people, if you're not happy, then leave.

RealBecca Wed 11-Dec-19 17:19:36

Same as above. When we are both ill we tag in and out, when one is ill the other does everything.

Both work. OH pays more into house and bills and does at least as much with our child at weekends.

I dont think my friends husbands are the same but i do think there is a tendency to just say "oh men can't/dont do these things/provide in a different way" and frankly its bollocks. Men can go out and take on senior roles and do physical jobs like bricklaying and buidling and engineering but cant work a dishwasher...like fuck.

Equal is possible and normal in a lot of relationships. Without being up myself i wouldn't stand for less so i really dont get why other people do.

puds11 Wed 11-Dec-19 17:21:53

Both British. We share chores 50/50 or if one is ill the other covers that and childcare. That’s how it should be. We’re a team.

pooopypants Wed 11-Dec-19 17:22:10

My DH is from the Asian subcontinent and his attitude towards many things is different to what many of my white British friends tell me that their DHs have. I do believe that a large part of it is upbringing and how they saw their parents dynamics. My DH couldn't even boil an egg when we met, he'd been VERY spoiled IMO and VERY accustomed to household help (read: servants) to do everything for him. He hadn't even been taught how to do basic things like cooking, using a washing machine etc.

His parents are very traditional in the sense of the man working and the woman staying at home. This has continued in our relationship but we both agreed on this and I'll return to work so that I also contribute financially to the household. He doesn't expect me to work but we've both agreed that this will happen.

He looks after me when I'm ill but tends to lack empathy after the 24hr mark, though it helps massively that he WFH so he's always 'on hand' if urgently needed.

pooopypants Wed 11-Dec-19 17:24:03

Posted too soon:

I suspect his slight lack of empathy is due to the culture he grew up in - suck it up and carry on regardless. Though his upbringing was privileged, he saw his grandfather and father never take time off sick etc.

Rezie Wed 11-Dec-19 17:46:36

My boyfriend doesn't help me with chores. That indicates that it's my job. He does his share as we utilise our living space equally.

We look after each other when sick. We have slightly different attitude towards ilness so we act accordingly.

He is white British and I'm northern European.

MitziK Wed 11-Dec-19 17:52:16

It's normal for good men to do all those things and a thousand more.

Arseholes, however, are universal. And if you've got one who has actively sought out a therapist that confirms his world view, well, I'm sorry that you've been landed with one.

24hourshomeedderandcarer Wed 11-Dec-19 20:31:14

people are going to accuse me of bragging or exaggerating here but its all true

my partner(not married,never will because i dont want to) is amazing and always have been

been together just over 20 years(me 18 him 17)and moved in when i was 21 him 20 hes done/does all the house work since day 1 ,i do the laundry he does the cleaning up

both have done equal parenting from birth(never needed a childcare facility as both have both been there from day 1)neither boy has ever slept out or been left with a babysitter.

even though i co-slept/sleep hes put up with not sharing a bed since 2003 as oldest slept with me from day 1,i chose to co-sleep so i never bought a cot or mosses basket for either so the 9 y old is still with me from birth

i used cloth nappies for both babies and he changed them both(its a complete different ball game than just binning them)youngest was a very greedy baby and was on a bottle and half(15 oz)from birth every hour and half,he made them up and gave it to him with out being asked it was whoever responded to the babies cues at the time

also both of us are carers to disabled kids(15 and 9) as both have multiply conditions each and neither sleep,he has 1 i have the other,this is every night

and both of us do the home educating equally

hes also the driver as i dont drive

he gets the shopping everyday as its easiest(boys eat 8-10 home cooked meals at all hours so we buy daily and very often hes in the 24 hour asdas well after midnight)

in all the years we have been together we have never had a problem or argument,disagreements yes and niggles as we are 24/7 but never a big barney

youngest took nearly 6 year of fertility treatment,fortnight tests at the hospital and pregnancy tests and he was with me every one

i was also in labour for 5 days with no 1 and he never left me

if i listed everything i would be writing a book

tbh im told by so many people how luck i am as there is not many men about like him,he has asd as well

so there is descent men and fathers around

Sexnotgender Wed 11-Dec-19 20:36:37

I’m Scottish and DH is South African, I probably do more chores but I’m on maternity leave right now.

He more than pulls his weight in the house generally though and looks after us well. 10 month old baby decided that 4.45 was the perfect time to start the day this morning, DH got straight up with him no questions asked until I took over at 7 so he could get ready for work.

feelingsinister Wed 11-Dec-19 20:44:13

We're both white British.

My partner does housework, cooks and anything else that needs doing (but he doesn't drive).

He cares for me amazingly well when I'm poorly and especially after I had an operation. He's the kindest and most lovely man.

He's not great at organising, booking and admin stuff so I do more of that but he more than makes up for it.

I'm very grateful for him and I do think he goes the extra mile for me/us but I certainly think the way he is should be the norm and not the exception.

Booberella9 Wed 11-Dec-19 20:49:22

Doesn't matter what anyone else does!

Only thing that matters is you both have a conversation about your expectations and agree a way forward.

If you can't, time to split.

CAG12 Wed 11-Dec-19 20:58:12

Both my partner and I are British.

We do equal household jobs. He washes up after meals as I do the cooking. He's not great at noticing when things need doing, but he'll do the job if I ask. He'll look after me when im sick.

titnomatani Wed 11-Dec-19 23:51:49

SE Asian female here married to a SE Asian male. Both of us born and raised in this country. My husband cooks, cleans and looks after our baby happily and voluntarily. There have been a few niggles here and there like any couple but not related to how much he does around the house or how much he helps me. I do have to remind him of certain chores that need doing though- that's where we've occasionally fallen out. I must mention, both of us are fiercely independent- always have been- but are happy to be co-dependent on each other.

Anna713 Thu 12-Dec-19 00:09:11

My husband and I are both British, in our sixties and married over 40 years. We have always shared household jobs and childcare. We look after each other if sick, he is probably better at this than I am if I'm honest. He does more of the traditionally 'male' jobs like car maintenance and repairs to household appliances but that's because he enjoys it, whilst I do more of the cleaning and laundry. But it suits us and we are definitely a team.

TooManyHeadaches Thu 12-Dec-19 00:16:55

I'm in a long term, happy marriage.

My DS is sympathetic (to a degree) when I'm ill, helps with housework (though I do the bulk!). He is kind and caring. He helps with the children (though I do most of the organising of kids activities etc..) He does lots of the DIY and bills and stuff. A bit old fashioned / conforming a bit to gender roles I guess. We both have good jobs. I'm the higher earner.

DH is a bit less emotional, more task-oriented, can zone out, yes! All that rings true for my DH! I love him to bits though and don't mind those traits! I'm not perfect either!

Love is the important ingredient, and ensuring you are both happy with how you share and divide the tasks of life!

TooManyHeadaches Thu 12-Dec-19 00:17:33

Both British

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