Not sure where to start with this, but my head is a mess and I have no idea what to do.
I have been married for over 10 years, two young children.
About 18 months ago I was unhappy in my marriage and found myself in an online affair, which made me realise how negative I felt about my DH, our lack of intimacy. I then embarked on a physical affair, and pulled away from my DH even more. The affair was never going to be a leaving for each other and starting again sort of thing, although I fell in love and maybe hoped we had a future of some sort.
It ended recently, his wife got suspicious and he decided to sort out once and for all whether they can work it out or leave. I respect that decision, but miss him hugely. The way we were together just highlighted everything I don't feel in my marriage. Desire, affection, loved.
Last week my husband hacked an old mumsnet account of mine, finding messages where I had talked about having an affair. I didnt deny it, didn't resort to the Cheaters script, just gave my reasons.
His response was as you would expect, furious, hurt, telling me how awful I was. Which I deserve. I took a cowards way out, having an affair rather than leaving when I felt it was over.
But at the same time I had made the decision to leave my marriage, with no one to go to, just knowing that if I stay I will cheat again.
DH initially told me he wanted to divorce, and I agreed, and making plans to make that happen.
He now says he wants to work at the marriage, give it 6 months. My reaction is to be overwhelmed with a feeling of trapped. I'm the bad person here, I know that, but I am not sexually or romantically attracted to him anymore. I can't make myself do it, I've tried. If I stay I will either live in a marriage where he keeps hoping I'll change my mind, and I'll long for what I know I could find with someone else. Or not. Maybe I won't, but it's easier than living with the weight of someone else's expectation for sex I can't bare to give.
Divorce is not going to be easy, but if I stay I think it will be worse for the kids.
He wants to do couples therapy, which I think will delay things but maybe will explain to him how I can't stay.
Its a mess. I don't want to break his heart, again.
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AIBU?
I had an affair and I have no idea what to do now...
72 replies
WanderingLost167 · 11/12/2019 09:34
OP posts:
Am I being unreasonable?
194 votes. Final results.
POLL
You are being unreasonable
37%
You are NOT being unreasonable
63%
sarahjconnor ·
11/12/2019 10:06
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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