I had an affair and I have no idea what to do now...(73 Posts)
Not sure where to start with this, but my head is a mess and I have no idea what to do.
I have been married for over 10 years, two young children.
About 18 months ago I was unhappy in my marriage and found myself in an online affair, which made me realise how negative I felt about my DH, our lack of intimacy. I then embarked on a physical affair, and pulled away from my DH even more. The affair was never going to be a leaving for each other and starting again sort of thing, although I fell in love and maybe hoped we had a future of some sort.
It ended recently, his wife got suspicious and he decided to sort out once and for all whether they can work it out or leave. I respect that decision, but miss him hugely. The way we were together just highlighted everything I don't feel in my marriage. Desire, affection, loved.
Last week my husband hacked an old mumsnet account of mine, finding messages where I had talked about having an affair. I didnt deny it, didn't resort to the Cheaters script, just gave my reasons.
His response was as you would expect, furious, hurt, telling me how awful I was. Which I deserve. I took a cowards way out, having an affair rather than leaving when I felt it was over.
But at the same time I had made the decision to leave my marriage, with no one to go to, just knowing that if I stay I will cheat again.
DH initially told me he wanted to divorce, and I agreed, and making plans to make that happen.
He now says he wants to work at the marriage, give it 6 months. My reaction is to be overwhelmed with a feeling of trapped. I'm the bad person here, I know that, but I am not sexually or romantically attracted to him anymore. I can't make myself do it, I've tried. If I stay I will either live in a marriage where he keeps hoping I'll change my mind, and I'll long for what I know I could find with someone else. Or not. Maybe I won't, but it's easier than living with the weight of someone else's expectation for sex I can't bare to give.
Divorce is not going to be easy, but if I stay I think it will be worse for the kids.
He wants to do couples therapy, which I think will delay things but maybe will explain to him how I can't stay.
Its a mess. I don't want to break his heart, again.
You need to do the couples therapy. It isnt always about mending the marriage. Sometimes its about coming to terms with divorce
Leave. You're unhappy. He is trying to bargain, it's a stage of his reasoning and grief. He will resent you long term even if you somehow do manage to resolve your feelings for him.
Go ahead with divorce. It’s the kindest thing to do in the long run.
Another person saying do the therapy with him. Speak your truths, in a controlled safe space. Listen to his truths. Do it for him, yourself, and any future relationships. And it’s a good place to discuss some of the practicalities of separation/divorce/custody.
Saying yes to therapy isn’t saying yes to ‘a full-hearted decision to reconnect’. Whatever he might initially hope.
Do the therapy. Then he gets to feel like he gave it his all, and it'll help you set up a more workable relationship for sorting out the divorce which will in turn make things easier for your children.
Stop being so unkind. End it, take responsibility, leave.
Stop making a massive drama and just leave.
Why didnt you just leave when you realised that you were willing to engage in the online affair, never mind a physical one? Sounds like you enjoy the drama, how did he even think to 'hack' your MN account? I assume you've been not so subtle about trying to get him to catch you.
Just leave. New year new start. Life is short and you have done enough damage as I’m sure you know. Leave the man alone to get over it and go enjoy your life, don’t live in misery.
Actually you should do the therapy, give him time to get all his ducks in a row, squirrel away some leaving money that you no nothing about and then let him ltb. I think thats the standard advice when its the other way around.
Get a divorce. You clearly don’t love him to be able to have an affair. Kindest thing to do.
Therapy could help you have a better divorce and for both of you to come to terms with the end of the marriage.
I completely agree with the poster who says you should do couples therapy to do your best to have an amicable break up, if only for the sake of the children. If you leave now it will be dramatic and traumatic. Stay and let the initial heat of the revelation cool down. Learn how to be courteous and kind to each other and how to show a kind of love to each other that comes from shared experience. Then when you leave, he;ll be ready to move on too, and you'll all know it was for the best and the DC will see you are fine with each other.
You made the mistake before of not leaving when you knew it was over and that was the first in a series of bad decisions that led to a lot of hurt for a lot of people. Take the opportunity to do better this time. You don't want to be with him. You will keep hurting him - and as a result your kids. So be brave, honest and grown up and tell him, whether in counselling or not.
Your behaviour is cowardly and selfish. You participated in the betrayal and destruction of someone else's marriage just because you were too weak to end your own and find a partner who was actually free to be with you.
In your long self-pitying post, there is not ONE WORD about feeling any remorse or regret for the hurt you caused to another woman. Nor, for that matter, for using the other man as an ego boost for yourself.
People are just means to an end for you. Awful.
I think you did the right thing being honest when he confronted you. I could be wrong but I don't think most people deliberately set out to have affairs, it's just a very slippery slope once you start entertaining the possibility you may have feelings for someone else. If you felt relief when you thought he wanted a divorce then it may be better to walk away. Feeling trapped is not a good sign. Why would he hack your account ?
You sound completely self obsessed, get over yourself.
Do the therapry.
Be honest and say you feel the relationship cant be saved but you want the opportunity to work through this for both of you and your children. Whether that is restarting your relationship or both of you coming to terms with the end of it.
You say your the 'bad' person but all your other post seems to portray yourself as the victim.
For up to 18 months your DH has suspected about your affair, until he finally found proof, what a living hell that must have been for him.
You had all that time to deal with it but selfishly choose the most cruelest route.
If he thinks therapy will help him , then I think you should respect that and be part of it. This doesn't mean you will get together, but maybe it help him you both realise what happened and why. If you want to leave than go, you don't have to b still living together to go to the therapy.
Maybe its time you thought of all the peoples lives your actions have destroyed and how to help them to recover.
Why would he hack your account ?
Obviously because he suspected an affair!
This is exactly the advice MN would give to a suspicious woman - "hack into his phone, look at his emails, get evidence". You can hardly blame him for that, surely.
Go to the therapy. Use it it really get to the salvageable aspect of arranging how to go forward as parents without your lack of commitment and his anger damaging the more worth saving relationship with your children. He will find someone new soon enough but it is very easy when you have been so completely fooled as to someone's true character to think that they actually are the reliable person rather than the reality. But that isn't the point.
The point is the children continuing to feel valued.
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