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To feel bad for being a stay at home mum now the kids are at school..

(128 Posts)
AG29 Tue 10-Dec-19 18:56:02

Since September both DC have been in school. I’d always hoped I’d be able to work but it’s becoming so hard. I’ve looked into school hour jobs but there doesn’t seem to be much around. I’ve looked into working around my partners hours but due to his shifts I can only commit to a Sunday at the minute, I’ve looked into working from home but again I’m not sure what I’m skilled enough to do. Job opportunities where I live are limited and a lot of casual work is seasonal. What would I do in the holidays? My family don’t help and the local childminders are full (only 2 in the village).

OH works and earns an okay wage, we own our home and we aren’t well off but aren’t really struggling financially either. We have two DC and they both have additional needs which is making it harder. School meetings, appointments, speech therapy etc. OH works shift work.

OH is happy for me to be at home readily available for DC.

But I just feel bad. I feel like society expects me to be working and contributing now they are both in school.

I don’t have many friends. Most days I just stay in and potter around the house. I’m very house proud and spend a lot of the day cleaning. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore.

I would love to work and working in school time is a possibility but how do people manage in the holidays?

AG29 Tue 10-Dec-19 18:56:12

Sorry not really an Aibu

Lougle Tue 10-Dec-19 18:58:58

I'm just leaving work after trying to make it work for 4 years. 3 children, 2 with SN, disabled mother. DH works split shifts and childcare is unavailable. I empathise.

SnuggyBuggy Tue 10-Dec-19 19:02:09

Could you volunteer or do one of those selling stuff things where you only make pennies but at least it's new skills?

formerbabe Tue 10-Dec-19 19:02:17

Your life sounds exactly like mine!

We are not rolling in it but can just about manage...my youngest has sn too. I also potter round the house, do the cleaning, go shopping, cook. However, I love that sort of thing.
Two incomes would be useful but like you, I have no family to help really so think working and juggling everything would be a nightmare to be honest.

Just do whatever is best for you and your family...I try to at least use my time to make sure when kids are home from school and oh is home from work, that things are done and as stress free as possible.
I'm going to study from home in the new year.. have you thought about that?

jgjgjgjgjg Tue 10-Dec-19 19:02:43

You use holiday clubs or childminders in the holidays. Which may well cost more than you earn in those weeks. But that is the reality of being a working Mum

Digestive28 Tue 10-Dec-19 19:04:34

It sounds like it is not the money you are missing from work but the sense of purpose and social contact- you can get this in other ways, volunteering somewhere is one way to get it

Settlersofcatan Tue 10-Dec-19 19:05:03

Could your DH move to a more standard job? Not necessarily immediately but could he find a way to work towards that?

It doesn't sound like you live in a great location for job opportunities or childcare - could you look to move? Again not necessarily immediately but if you found the right career path

People usually use combination of annual leave and paid childcare for holidays

BlaueLagune Tue 10-Dec-19 19:05:12

Firstly if most of the work is seasonal then maybe wait a few months and do some seasonal work?

Secondly, are there networking groups near you? They are not just for businesspeople, you get people coming to them who want to start a business but want to get ideas and advice and see what you may have the skills to do. It would be a way of making friends, too.

Mamalicious16 Tue 10-Dec-19 19:05:13

What about volunteering? Or doing a college course?

M0nstermunch Tue 10-Dec-19 19:05:53

Definitely don't feel bad for not working, if you are getting by and don't need the extra income.

Maybe some see if you fancy any volunteering though at something that interests you.

WineGummyBear Tue 10-Dec-19 19:06:20

Don't worry about what society expects.

Women can't win on that score.

It's about you though. Are there things you could train to do via distance learning that you could then do from home? (Book keeping?)

Although...if you are house proud and good at cleaning would cleaning be an option (flexible around shifts?)

But please don't worry about what society wants you to do. That way madness lies...

PositiveVibez Tue 10-Dec-19 19:07:05

If you and your husband were to split (heaven forbid!), What would you do for money?

Hopefully you have access to all family money now, but what about your pension pot?

anotherBadAvatar Tue 10-Dec-19 19:07:08

No idea if your skill set, so may not be suitable, but what about training to be a childminder? If the only 2 local ones are full, there’s sure to be a demand.

beela Tue 10-Dec-19 19:07:20

In the holidays you cover it with a mixture of holiday clubs, favours from friends (play date swaps if poss) and annual leave - yours and dh's.

Rather than school hours every day you could try 2 or 3 full days a week?

TheClausSeason Tue 10-Dec-19 19:07:33

Could you do sales? Like Avon, Usbourne Books or similar?

SnuggyBuggy Tue 10-Dec-19 19:09:14

Also fuck what society thinks. Its not like the judgy fuckers are going to be helping when you need holiday childcare

Berrylove Tue 10-Dec-19 19:09:34

Why don’t you start up your own business? Or start an Etsy shop selling things you make? Could you look at shift work that can give you shifts that fit around your availability? I know it’s not ideal but fast food or delivery driving would do this. Delivery being either fold or parcels. My parents used to do parcel delivery while we were at school and then if they hadn’t finished when we left they would pick us up and I would help out or just sit in the car.

Almostfifty Tue 10-Dec-19 19:10:20

Volunteer! I never went back to work once my DC were born, but I've volunteered for over 18 years since the youngest went to playgroup. It helps organisations out, gives you something to do, and gives you skills (I quite often do admin courses) for when you feel you are able to go back to working when they're a bit older.

Before anyone starts on the pension/own money/being beholden route, I'm well covered if something happens to DH, if we split up, and have always had access to the bank account...

Ponoka7 Tue 10-Dec-19 19:12:06

I have the attitude that there isn't enough jobs to go around, so we should encourage those that are happy to be economically inactive, to not take paid employment.

I think you need to work on your self confidence, so you have confidence in the decisions that you've made.

We devalue what Women do, especially Mother's of disabled children. Being a SAHP is a valid choice.

Emmapeeler1 Tue 10-Dec-19 19:14:51

I have also realised over the years that women can’t win on what society expects. If you are happy and can afford it, then stay at home and don’t feel guilty! I work and I like my job but I am constantly disorganised (tonight I sent DH and DD to a tap class that has finished for the term) and I often feel the months are passing me by without me doing any of the idyllic pottering around the house sort of stuff with my kids that I both love and intended to do more of.

hazell42 Tue 10-Dec-19 19:16:14

I think that it is important to work or study or do something because life can become a bit aimless otherwise.
I also think it's important to be your own person, not someone else's wife or mother
And i think it is very important for women to have financial independence because shit happens and you could find yourself alone with kids to support
But that is what I think, and what I think means shit.
The important thing is, what do you think?
The only advice I would give is to make a conscious decision about your future, whatever that is, rather than allowing yourself to drift in the slipstream.of other people's lives

Ponoka7 Tue 10-Dec-19 19:16:31

"if you and your husband were to split (heaven forbid!), What would you do for money?"

There's many women stuck in bad marriages because they don't earn enough to leave and wouldn't get much of a top up in benefits. If you are at an entry level/retail etc job, that doesn't really apply because being out of work doesn't put you in a worse position.

SmellMySmellbow Tue 10-Dec-19 19:17:31

Can you help at your kids school? Our PTFA are desperate for people to help them fundraise and can be pretty full on. Then there's reading volunteers etc. Helping on school trips...

Shinnoo Tue 10-Dec-19 19:17:34

Never mind what society expects.

What about your earnings? Are you ok if your h leaves?

Are your children better off like this?

Is your relationship more healthy with you not working?

Will you find satisfaction in your daily life?

Those are the big questions.

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