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DC15 wants to identify as female

(678 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

FrogInAHat23 Tue 10-Dec-19 13:22:00

I'm still struggling to figure out how I feel about this, to be honest. DS (now DD?) wants to identify as female. They are 15. I fully subscribe to the 'do no harm' school of thinking, but it has raised so many questions for me. Saying they identify as female isn't hurting anyone (although there will be some close-minded individuals who are offended by that, which I don't think should be a barrier). However, what do I do if they say they want to use women's toilets or changing rooms (esp if a unisex version isn't available)? They identify as female (and is very effeminate, to be fair). We haven't discussed the whole sex change op situation yet, and I'm wary of bringing it up because I don't want to put ideas in their head (given the risks etc I'd rather they didn't!). DC has ASD and is very young (mentally) for their age. I've been buying them makeup and very feminine clothing, which they wear around the house. I had hoped it would just be a case of having a DS who was more feminine with feminine tastes, but it seems not.

I think my feeling is that, while DC has male genitalia then they ought to stick with unisex and mens changing rooms / toilets. I think. Argh.

What do you think? I know trans stuff is a hot topic at the moment, this isn't me trying to get a response from people. This is the genuine situation I find myself in currently!

BlingLoving Tue 10-Dec-19 13:24:38

why does he think he's a girl? If it's because he likes make up and girls clothes etc etc, then really he's' just a boy who likes things that our society has said are for girls. I know that's simplistic. But at the end of the day, being a boy means he has a penis. Which he does.

Personally, I'd be respectful of his desire to dress/act however he wants. But I'd be talking to him about why using female only spaces could be a problem and actively looking for alternative solutions in the form of unisex toilets etc.

MsChnandlerBong Tue 10-Dec-19 13:26:06

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Trewser Tue 10-Dec-19 13:27:51

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LeekMunchingSheepShagger Tue 10-Dec-19 13:29:24

This can be common in children with asd. They feel wrong so latch onto their gender being the cause of it. Is he already involved with CAMHS?

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 10-Dec-19 13:30:02

Long chat about having to respect other people's opinions as s/he would like his/her own opinions to be respected, including the reasons behind single sex spaces.

Separate discussion about sexuality; Sexual stereotypes. Sex and gender and the innate differences. That to me would be real acceptance without judgement. Present how you like but be aware of how others will perceive you. Do it but be fully informed and wholly aware that the real world is not always a kind place.

Do you wear trousers a lot? Make up etc? Could you model your own gender fluidity and show that external appearances has nothing to do with internal biology?

And go over to Feminism Chat and find the Trans Widows thread. It has a few mothers in your position, they may be able to be far more useful to you both.

Best wishes.

GreytExpectations Tue 10-Dec-19 13:30:18

Op, I'd ask for this to be deleted as you're going to get some really shitty replies and offensive things said to you and you DD. Mumsnet isn't the place to discuss identity and trans issues as they don't welcome it

GCAcademic Tue 10-Dec-19 13:30:29

I know trans stuff is a hot topic at the moment, this isn't me trying to get a response from people.

Yes, I can see why, on that basis, you decided that AIBU was the board to post this on.

ActualHornist Tue 10-Dec-19 13:30:33

Your child needs to be able to articulate beyond tumblrisms why they feel like a girl.

I would recommend transgender trend for some resources because once the pathway has started it is hard to get off it.

I would be encouraging some critical thinking while looking for a gender critical therapist. You want to use the girls loos - how do you think the girls might feel about this? Wearing women’s clothing doesn’t make you female - why do you equate womanhood your clothing and make up?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory Tue 10-Dec-19 13:30:44

He wants to identify as a female or thinks he is one? There is a Difference. The first suggests he’s trying on a trend. The second suggests he has a serious misunderstanding of biology and/or body dysmorphia and should get some counselling to help him come to terms with his body as a healthy normal state. Just like if he was presenting with anorexia.

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 10-Dec-19 13:31:07

I'm hoping you are on the wind up here. Given the rise of such issues in young people with ASD it may not be... so surely the best thing to do is to take a moment to be helpful?

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 10-Dec-19 13:32:49

Have another look at the responses

Mumsnet isn't the place to discuss identity and trans issues as they don't welcome it doesn't realy pan out, does it? smile

MN is waryt, tends to be sceptical of such posts, given the reasons behind it that is not really surprising. But look, lots of understanding and help offered!

Veterinari Tue 10-Dec-19 13:32:51

Could your child be a gay male? Are they aware of the distinction between sexuality and gender?

BanginChoons Tue 10-Dec-19 13:33:26

I think you are doing the right thing by supporting your child. There have always been transgender people. We are now living in a world where it is becoming more acceptable for people to be open about this (unless of course we go by mumsnet standards). Transgender teens who are unsupported by their families have a greatly increased risk of self harm and suicide than their peers. Whilst it is incredibly worrying as the parent as you are more aware of the challenges they may face, ensuring our child feels safe and supported at home is so important.
Does your child experience gender euphoria? If so, you can ask for a referral to camhs via the school counsellor or the gp.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead Tue 10-Dec-19 13:34:35

Sorry if you are genuine OP but this sounds a little off to me confused

Talk to your child

Then also talk to his school, DH is a teacher and has 2 trans children in his year (y10) and the school are very sensitive and supportive.

Start by talking to your DS, not about sec change ops, but start by listening to him, his feelings, what he think being a woman means.

littlepaddypaws Tue 10-Dec-19 13:34:49

you say ds has apd, is immature thinking and wears feminine clothles and make up around the house, does he wear them outside ?
many women, myself included quite rightly, are going to get annoyed and possibly violent towards some random male turning up in women only spaces i.e toilets.
bearing in mind this might be a phase of expression and experimenting.

littlepaddypaws Tue 10-Dec-19 13:35:31

asd blush

TuttiCutie Tue 10-Dec-19 13:36:29

However, what do I do if they say they want to use women's toilets or changing rooms (esp if a unisex version isn't available)?

You tell him no - that those spaces are for women, and you explain to him why many women will feel uncomfortable with a male bodied person in those spaces, and that his feelings don't trump theirs.

TheSandgroper Tue 10-Dec-19 13:38:10

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000bmy9
This raises a lot of points for your thinking.

SilverySurfer Tue 10-Dec-19 13:38:34

Your DS has a male body so therefore I agree, it would be inappropriate for him to use women's loos, changing rooms or other women's spaces.

Maybe he should initially explore his feminine side with clothes and makeup. 15 is very young to make such a life changing decision.

TheSandgroper Tue 10-Dec-19 13:39:49

And it’s from just last week, as it happens.

GeordieTerf Tue 10-Dec-19 13:39:51

Whatever you do, steer clear of Mermaids, Stonewall, and Allsorts.

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 10-Dec-19 13:40:06

I think you are doing the right thing by supporting your child. There have always been transgender people. We are now living in a world where it is becoming more acceptable for people to be open about this (unless of course we go by mumsnet standards). Transgender teens who are unsupported by their families have a greatly increased risk of self harm and suicide than their peers. Whilst it is incredibly worrying as the parent as you are more aware of the challenges they may face, ensuring our child feels safe and supported at home is so important. Except much of that is not correct, evidently not!

Many MNers lived through the 80s when gender bending was extremely widespread, normalised, in gay and straight people.

Stats don't bear out the additional suicide risk, posted ad nauseum here.

The most vocal anto TRA poster has sod all against individual trans people, many are trans, have long friendships with trans individuals etc. To just trot out misinformation is unfair on the OP. Get off your soap box, be helpful!

TooleyVanDooley Tue 10-Dec-19 13:41:20

Oh bless you. This is the worst possible place to post about this. People will be horrible about it here. flowers

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 10-Dec-19 13:43:59

Maybe OP you could report your post and ask for it to be moved to Feminism Chat where many of those 'trans hating' posters will signpost her to the Widows thread and other sources of reliable information!

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