To end my marriage over this

[Bebby80]

Name changed as this is very outing for anyone who knows me in real life.

Recently found out I was pregnant with dc no 4. Dh wasn’t happy and tbh it took me a while to get my head around. Timing wasn’t great but after having a think, we both decided we would be going ahead with the pregnancy.

I had my first scan (12 week) yesterday. Told dh about it weeks in advance. He couldn’t get the day off but as he works 10 mins from the hospital he said he would meet me there and then go back to work. Text him as I was leaving to remind him. Get there and it’s 5 mins from my appointment time, he hasn’t shown up. Call him and he says sorry he forgot. As I’m on the phone to him, they call me in so I tell him there’s no point now.

The scan didn’t go well. They can see a yolk and sac and baby but baby has no heartbeat. I’m devastated, obviously. I have no symptoms of miscarriage so it was a complete shock but they tell me the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. They give me my options.

I phone him in the car on the way home and ask if he can possibly leave early as I was really upset. He says he will try. I get on with my day, pick other dc up from school. Radio silence from him, not even a text to see how I’m doing. Gets to 6pm, he’s not home. Call him a couple of times, no answer. It’s now 8.30 and I’m calling him again he finally answers and I ask where he is. He says the lads called him as they were a player down (he does a team sport) so he decided to go straight to his club from work. Honestly, I just lost it on the phone to him. I was trying to keep it together all day as I didn’t want to be upset in front of the dc but I couldn’t hold it in. This is just another in a long line of times I feel let down by him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. In his words, him being home won’t change anything and he said he was upset too and needed to clear his head. I told him if he can’t even be there for me at a time I need him to most, what is the point in us being together.

Am I being a massive drama queen here as he has made me feel like I am?

[Whattodoabout]

You poor thing. I have been in that situation twice, missed miscarriages are beyond cruel and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be alone. He sounds completely selfish, he has shown you his true colours and I would definitely be questioning the marriage if I were you.

Sorry for your loss OP. Miscarriage is such a lonely time, he really should be supporting you .

[Confusedbeetle]

He has seriiously let you down when you needed him. He was a coward. When I was miscarrying and unplanned 4th baby my Oh found it difficult to empathise because he was relieved, but he stepped up to support me in my upset. You would leave him just for this but if its a pattern might be another thing

[MsChatterbox]

I'm so so sorry. What an absolutely awful time for you.

I don't know if I would leave but I would certainly request counselling so you he can understand how you feel and why you need him there.

[chloxox08]

That is absolutely disgusting. Honestly I would really consider leaving over this

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

No darling, you are not a drama queen, and he is a selfish wanker.
So sorry for your loss.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I know that everyone reacts differently, but he didn't even attempt to contact you to explain he was finding it hard. That's where I would struggle - you were waiting food him and he said he'd be there, but didn't turn up. It's the letting down that is the problem. I don't know if I would have ended my marriage over this, but I would be very disappointed and hurt.

[Youseethethingis]

Oh well if “the lads” called and said they needed him, that’s that isn’t it? Nothing else matters.
I don’t know if I could ever forgive this type of betrayal. And it is a betrayal, no matter what weasel words he deploys to try to defend his selfish, shitty behaviour and attitude towards you.
So sorry you’re going through this OP

[SureTry]

Fuck me, that is cold. Firstly, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this unsupported. Don't settle for this, it's not right, that isn't how someone who loves you should behave in this situation. You deserve better

[rattusrattus20]

it's poor behaviour by him, no doubt about it, but if he's an otherwise passably good husband & dad to your other three kids, it'd be wrong to jump into any snap decisions

[Smellbow]

So sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry your husband has acted like that, you are not overreacting at all.

[BlackCatSleeping]

He's a selfish bastard.

[Figgygal]

That is really poor behaviour on his part however if he isn't engaged in the pregnancy considering this was your fourth I can see why you might not have prioritised attending the scan . However as soon as he was told the news he should've dropped everything and come to support you even if it was just with the children going off to play football with the lads or wherever he went is pretty unforgivable

[embarassednewname]

So sorry for your loss.

Your partner should be there for you in times like these. That's why we get life partners, to help and support each other in times of need, and share the good times together too. He's really let you down and it's unforgivable. No matter the decision, be strong remember we only get one life and you and your kids are the most important people in your life.

[SweetAsSpice]

YANBU. For better, for worse...in sickness and health is a vow you both took. He wasn’t there when you needed him most.

[toomuchtooold]

It's the football game that really puts the tin lid on it. My DH was shite when I had miscarriages but at least he had the good grace to come up with work related excuses. I don't know what to tell you, but whatever you decide to do remember to give his feelings as much consideration as he had yours i.e. none.

[Nanny0gg]

You'd have more empathy for an acquaintance.

So sorry OP.

[ZigZagIntoTheBlue]

Im sorry for your loss. He should've stepped up, come home to be with you and then gone back out to play football if you were ok with things!

[Bebby80]

Thank you so much to everyone for the flowers.

I think he actually is relieved as he never seemed to be fully on board, even though we jointly made the decision to carry on.

There are other things that I’m unhappy about so this is the straw that broke the camels back. Lately I’ve been very much feeling like he’s opting out of family life. He’s started doing his hobby twice a week without discussing with him and also looked a trip to Paris with the boys without even telling me. I wouldn’t have said no but he didn’t even check if maybe I had someone on/the kids had a school event. He just booked and paid for it and it was the same weekend as a good friend of mine’s hen do, which had been pre arranged.

[embarassednewname]

Your latest update paints him in a very bad light. If you divorced him, at least you'd get a break and could actually plan your weekend once in a while.

[Youseethethingis]

Your update begs the question - “what use is he then?” Seems like he’s reverting to operating as a single man who can do whatever the fuck he likes whenever the fuck he likes. In his view, it’s fine because he has staff (ie. you) to take care of things. He’s not treating you like a wife or an equal partner. This is just shit for you and your children.

[ladyofearlybedtimes]

Wow that's cold and I am hurt and angry for you. I would seriously consider where you go from here, as if it was me I would be feeling very resentful and I would struggle to get over it. I am so sorry for you loss

[Jumpi]

How did he go from being ‘not happy’ to agreeing to go ahead with it?

[ladyofearlybedtimes]

I left my selfish husband over two years ago and i'm so much happier for it. He's selfish and won't change.

[dontalltalkatonce]

If you divorced him, at least you'd get a break and could actually plan your weekend once in a while.

He is in no way obligated to take the children in the event of divorce and sadly, a lot of men like this don't.

So he didn't want another child but didn't get a vasectomy or use a condom every time? Why am I not surprised?

He expects you to cover that, too.

It's time for a serious talk.

[Lycidas]

Latest update suggests there are serious communication issues. Have you sat down with him and discussed these specific examples of his behaviour, and made plans for addressing them? If so, how did he respond? Did he take your concerns on board? Is there a reason from his POV why he’s making these seemingly self-centered decisions?

If you’re not discussing these things then that’s a problem in its own right. I’d give that a real shot before turning to separation.