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AIBU to think my marriage is over?

(152 Posts)
AfricanSunset Mon 09-Dec-19 19:49:39

Please forgive my straight to the point post, I am trying very hard not to let my emotions get the better of me.
We are booking a marriage counselling/sex therapy session to see if anything can be done but the damage may be irreversible.
Husband says he is happy with 95% of our life, the remaining 5% is with our sexual compatibility.
I have changed and he has not. The biggest threat is the change with our sex life since having children, he is unsatisfied and frustrated with our vanilla sex life and wants kinky sex. We experimented a fair bit in the beginning of our relationship but I have learned that I am a vanilla sex woman and I cannot fulfil his desires. The thought of doing what he wants fills me with dread although I do enjoy our regular sex.
We have both found it difficult to communicate these things with each other however after a bad year of arguing (which we think is a result of this underlying tension) we got everything out over the weekend and have agreed to be completely honest.
To give the full picture I had a very traumatic second birth and the first few years of small children had me feeling “touched out”, I also have suspected endometriosis which makes sex painful and have had minor surgery to remove pre cancerous cells from my cervix which has left me with a lot of anxiety. All of these things plus the dread of being asked to have kinky sex has reduced the Intimacy and closeness we once had. At the moment we are having sex 1-2 times a month. Our relationship feels like it’s slowly getting less attentive and my husband has implied that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore and because of this he doesn’t want to help me with housework and he wants to spend more time drinking with his friends until the early hours.
He has asked what I think about him seeking services to meet his desires. I don’t think I could handle it and I can’t help but think that one desire leads to another and it won’t be a one off.
Is there any alternative where my family isn’t ripped apart??
What would you do in this situation? (I’m asking purely out of curiosity)
What is your opinion of my situation?

TreesSandSea Mon 09-Dec-19 19:53:04

It sounds like you are not compatible. He sounds very selfish.

I think you would be better off alone.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook Mon 09-Dec-19 19:55:53

Well he sounds a treat. He wants to pay other women for sex because you won't indulge his link and because you have had physical trauma, some of which is related to nothing his children, which causes you pain, leading to changes in your appetite for sex. What a cunt.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook Mon 09-Dec-19 19:56:15

*kink

MissConductUS Mon 09-Dec-19 19:57:01

I think your situation is likely not uncommon. Non-vanilla sex only works if both parties are comfortable with it. As far as frequency, could you try more frequent encounters with more casual intimacy? Not every time needs to be full bore PIV or kinky sex.

Sorry you're going through this.

Thehop Mon 09-Dec-19 19:59:00

I’m sorry o don’t think he’s worth trying to hang onto.

You are not a priority for him, and he’s not behaving like a loving or caring husband

Ponoka7 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:01:46

What would I do? Prepare to be single.

Do not accept the deal that he is offering you.

Inde95 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:02:58

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think the fact that he has even entertained the idea of using 'services' shows a complete lack of disrespect for you.

I personally would leave. Nobody should be made to feel like this. It'd be hard in the beginning but it'd be better in the long run X

AfricanSunset Mon 09-Dec-19 20:03:17

Thank you for the responses so far.
I am flitting between “what an unsupportive bastard” to “well he deserves to be happy” to “I can’t believe this is happening” regardless now that he knows for sure that I don’t like kink (because I’ve explicitly told him) I honestly don’t know if we can survive this?! Even if he does a turnaround and says it’s not as important as he’s currently making it out to be, will it always be in the back of my mind?

beautifulstranger101 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:05:25

Let me get this straight- he won't help you with the housework any more because " he's not in love with you" and he is now asking your permission to see prostitutes? All this whilst you're dealing with quite serious health worries?
I'm sorry to be so blunt but he sounds like an utterly selfish POS. I don't think all the counselling in the world will make his behaviour ok or justifiable. He clearly doesn't care one jot about you or his family, its all about him wanting kinky sex and that apparently trumps you, your health and wellbeing and that of his kids. I'm not denying that sex is important in a relationship but my jaw was literally on the floor reading your OP- I think you should let him go. You deserve WAY better than this and you can get it, you'll find someone much better than him.

Lollypop701 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:06:02

Honestly you don’t sound Compatible, kinks only work if you are both comfortable... and if he needs the kink then it’s never going to work, that said he sounds quite selfish op. Go for the couple therapy and hopefully you will come to realisation you can do better!

MordredsOrrery Mon 09-Dec-19 20:06:07

My husband has implied that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore and because of this he doesn’t want to help me with the housework

This makes me think very poorly of him indeed. Presumably both he and your shared DCs contribute to creating the housework? Why does he feel entitled to walk away from it? Loving you but not being in love with you should still be a long way from treating you like his indentured servant.

I'm sorry he's putting you through this flowers

DeathStare Mon 09-Dec-19 20:07:41

my husband has implied that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore and because of this he doesn’t want to help me with housework and he wants to spend more time drinking with his friends until the early hours

It doesn't work like that. If he lives in the house the housework is 50% his responsibility. It's not your job for him to help with he feels like it. Nor is it part of a deal of being "in love with you". If he moved in with a housemate he would be expected to do 50% of the housework regardless of whether he was in love with the housemate! And of course he's rather be having fun than doing housework - who wouldn't?!

For me this one part sums up everything in your post. He wants to do what he wants to do, he wants the fun stuff in life.... and he does not care what the consequences for you are. He doesn't care if it makes your life harder, he doesn't care if it makes you feel bad, he doesn't care if it's not what you want. In his eyes he has a god-given right to enjoy himself and you have a duty to facilitate that without any thought for yourself. And if you don't facilitate his fun then he considers it OK to walk away from the broader underlying commitments/values of your marriage (eg. being equal partners, not cheating, etc)

That applies to housework, it applies to sex, it applies to whatever he wants it to apply to. However you can bet your bottom dollar it doesn't apply in reverse. This is about HIM and HIS fun only - not yours.

I'd leave.

SeditionSue Mon 09-Dec-19 20:08:57

You have a huge sexual incompatibility. I don't think it will get better.
I'm sure there will be a man in your future who will love having the kind of sex you love, when/if you're ready for it.
But, you won't meet him if you're living in misery with your husband.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Mon 09-Dec-19 20:09:35

So..
Sex... Does he want kinky sex 100 per cent of the time...

Or is it just the option of it?

Claphands Mon 09-Dec-19 20:12:02

He’s a selfish fucker

Winter2020 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:12:47

Suggest to your husband that you swap marriage counselling/sex therapy for divorce mediation. Unless he wants to put more energy into being a decent father and husband (including housework) and less into indulging his fantasies. His sexual interests might be his priority but they are not yours. Tell him good luck finding someone he is sexually compatible with that is willing to clean his house while he is at the pub because you are done.

littlepaddypaws Mon 09-Dec-19 20:14:17

i'd show him the door, you will be alot happier without him in so many ways.

mumsie8 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:14:35

What. A. Twat.

AfricanSunset Mon 09-Dec-19 20:15:53

Avocado he doesn’t want it all the time but I can’t bring myself to do the things he wants
Have I got a naive POV that sex is about mutual pleasure?

brighteyeowl17 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:18:11

You can’t bribe someone into having sex with you which is exactly what it sounds like he is doing. Leave him now.

billy1966 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:18:26

He sounds like a pig and you would be better off without him.

Why would you want to be physical with such a selfish waster.

You deserve more.

💐

Whatsername177 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:18:27

I would bet my last pound your husband has a porn addiction fueling his entitlement to 'kinky' sex. He wants you, his wife, to put on a show and service him. Where is the intimacy in that? DH and I had a wobble a few years ago because he started to moan about our sex life being boring and lacking intimacy - we went to councilling too but that was after he had an emotional affair and I kicked him out He ended up realising, admitting and then working through a pornography addiction. He admitted he felt like he was missing out because of what he saw in porn. I gave him a clear choice - sort yourself out or leave. He had a lot of therapy and doesn't use porn anymore and hasn't for several years. Guess what? The intimacy returned. The relationship improved. The difference between my dh and yours, though: my dh whole heartedly admitted he was wrong, he had a problem and fought to fix it. Your husband sounds like he is looking for a free pass to do what he wants. Good luck, I hope you find a way forward that brings you the happiness you deserve. There is nothing wrong with wanting loving, fulfilling, intimate sex with someone who loves you.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Mon 09-Dec-19 20:25:04

It's good you were both honest with each other.

It does sound serious yes but it's a good step you have both agreed to counselling.

The one thing I really didnt like the sound of from your post though was '...he is not in love with me any more and because of this doesnt want to help with housework any more and wants to go drinking with his friends'.

To me this sounds like some horrible way of manipulating you. Have sex my way or I wont do the dishes. And that's going to make the problem worse, no one wants to be intimate with someone who is causing them extra work and that cant clean up after themselves. I mean even in a shared house, people have to get on and do their share to make the place a pleasant place to live and for everyone to get on. So it's shit he is treating you like that, sex has nothing to do with housework and going out on the piss. Do you think there is anything else going on like he is checking out, and using sex as an excuse?

I do think men think about sex differently, we had a bit of a tricky patch once, he was not being intimate with me (hugging, holding hands, general affection) because I wasnt having sex with him, and i wasnt having sex with him because he wasnt being intimate with me. So we both tried harder and it was a bit forced for a while but got better in the end.

However in your case it sounds more like mismatched preferences rather than a communication issue and I'm not sure there is an easy fix, or a compromise if you're at opposite ends of the scale of kinkiness then one of you is always going to be miserable with your sex life.

MarianaMoatedGrange Mon 09-Dec-19 20:25:17

my husband has implied that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore and because of this he doesn’t want to help me with housework and he wants to spend more time drinking with his friends until the early hours

All this and he wants to use sex workers too. Ugh. You don't need this selfish arse pestering you for 'kinky sex' - you need him gone.

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