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Offending best friend.

(41 Posts)
januarybabyboy Mon 09-Dec-19 18:26:08

Hey everyone, this is my first post so apologies if I do anything wrong...

Not sure if I'm being overly sensitive as this happened in my first trimester (now im 36 weeks preg)
I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy at 10 weeks after trying ttc for a year, the only person apart from my DP that new was my best friend as we wanted to surprise family with the 12 week scan photos at Christmas.
Obviously it was a horrible time and felt very low for a while afterwards, best friend was supportive at the beginning but not sure she felt comfortable with the subject so apart from the first few weeks she wouldn't mention it, which is completely fair enough I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable around me.
Anyway fast forward and after 4 months of ttc I luckily got pregnant again, I was really cautious about this pregnancy and apart from informing the doctors and taking vitamins Me and DP didn't really allow ourselves to get excited.
At the time another good friend was planning her 30th and wanted us all to go to Spain later on in the year for a blowout, I'd been very noncommittal when asked and used our house renovations as an excuse as why I couldn't attend.
One evening my best friend and the good friend got together and decided they were going to book the holiday that evening and also weren't taking no as a answer from me, even offering to pay and I could pay them back whenever. This is amazingly kind but I new I wouldn't want to go as I'd be 34 weeks preg by then and they were going out there to party so I'd be pretty crappy company.
I rang my best friend to tell her and she put me on loudspeaker so I ended up announcing my pregnancy at 11 weeks to her and good friend at the same time.
I texted my best friend after the phone call to apologise for the shock of news and let her know id rather of told her in person but felt a bit pressured to do so, she messaged back saying she was happy for me but also incredibly hurt and annoyed I hadn't told her I was ttc again or waited un till just before I was 12 weeks to tell her. She said she thought I'd been acting distant, which i guess I had been as she normally messages me for a chat gone 11pm and I'd been tired and sick so hadn't responded till the next day.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't just her that didn't know, literally no one did and it was more a self preservation thing as I new I'd get excited and she'd get excited if I shared my news.
Sounds so ridiculous but I felt less pressure on myself carrying the baby until I'd had my first scan and could check things were going okay...I just didn't want to get my hopes up.

My relationship with best friend has been a bit strained since and I'm worried I've been a terrible person for not confiding in her, I just wanted you guys view on things confused

Sorry for the massive essay and rambling!!

FelixFelicis6 Mon 09-Dec-19 18:29:11

Errr no. She’s being odd and controlling. It’s not about her. Has she got form for this?

And congratulations flowers

alfagirl73 Mon 09-Dec-19 18:58:41

YANBU. Any reasonable person would COMPLETELY understand and respect someone wanting to keep a pregnancy to themselves until they were ready to share the news. You did nothing wrong.

Goldenchildsmum Mon 09-Dec-19 19:01:06

You're not a terrible person

Mind you - she's really odd.

CalmFizz Mon 09-Dec-19 19:01:24

She sounds like she can’t cope with not being the centre of your universe.

MamaWeasel Mon 09-Dec-19 19:02:35

I could understand her being "a bit miffed at first" but anything more than that is unreasonable.

Drum2018 Mon 09-Dec-19 19:03:49

She's being a bitch. You did not have any obligation to tell her. You hadn't even told family so why the hell does she think she's more important than them? Let her stew. Concentrate on baby and the good times ahead.

AcrobaticCardigan Mon 09-Dec-19 19:05:01

She shouldn’t be anything but happy for you.

Clangus00 Mon 09-Dec-19 19:12:01

Why would you tell her you were TTC?
She's a drama llama. I really would let her contact you the next time.
Congratulations by the way.

ChristmasCakeLover Mon 09-Dec-19 19:52:15

Yanbu. She's making everything all about her. Very self absorbed. Look back over the years you've been friends, is this really the first time she's done this sort of thing?

Sunflower20 Mon 09-Dec-19 23:42:16

Don’t feel bad! You’re not obliged to tell anyone. She needs to calm down because it’s really none of her business friend or not.

Fucck Mon 09-Dec-19 23:50:11

You say this is all months ago now, how has she been with you? I'm assuming the holiday took place, was she passive aggressive about any part of it or did she get over herself and start being a friend again? I suppose it all hangs on what happened going forward from that point.

QuiteForgetful Mon 09-Dec-19 23:52:45

You did nothing wrong.

NaturalDisasters Mon 09-Dec-19 23:57:37

What, did she think you needed to consult with her, and invite her into the bedroom or something?

playftseforme Tue 10-Dec-19 00:02:35


How are things now?

AFairlyHardAvocadoHoHo Tue 10-Dec-19 00:07:59

Can't believe you didn't let her watch the conception so she could be involved at every 👏 single 👏 stage👏.

It's really quite a skill isn't it, that people like her have. The ability to make absolutely everything about them. Even a new person arriving on the planet.

She sounds like a dick. If you don't make her your birthing partner she's going to kick off big time. After all why should your husband get to be there, she's your BEST friend.

cstaff Tue 10-Dec-19 00:13:11

Maybe you should have told her before you told you dh. Ffs she is being ridiculous.

ConkerGame Tue 10-Dec-19 00:17:48

She’s annoyed she’s no longer going to be one of your main priorities. She’ll get used to it in time.

1Morewineplease Tue 10-Dec-19 00:17:59

I think your friend is over invested . You were right to be cautious.
Maybe take a step back.

vivapuff Tue 10-Dec-19 00:23:01

It's baffling that she didn't put two and two together about why you didn't want to commit to the holiday.

You did nothing wrong.

Equanimitas Tue 10-Dec-19 00:25:26

You were absolutely right. I had two miscarriages, and in the subsequent pregnancies did not tell anyone, even my immediate family, till I was past the 12 week scans for exactly the reasons you give - I didn't want to get my hopes up, and I didn't want to be having excited conversations with people only for it all to go wrong again, because that would make it even worse. If your friend can't empathise with what it's like to spend three months analysing every twinge, dreading the slightest smear of blood when you go to the loo, at a time when you should be happy about your pregnancy, she's extremely unimaginative. The role of a friend is to be supportive, not to be miffed because someone going through an incredibly stressful experience does whatever is needed to minimise that stress.

incognitomum Tue 10-Dec-19 00:52:20

YANBU she sounds pathetic. Does she have dcs?

AllyBamma Tue 10-Dec-19 01:02:32


Why is she making this all about her? She doesn’t have kids I assume? Absolutely YANBU, you’re better off without that one.

Runkle Tue 10-Dec-19 01:04:35

She wanted to be informed you were TTC?! Bleurgh. Weirdo.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 10-Dec-19 01:09:49

So they went to Spain a fortnight ago?
How had she been since?

If she's still sulking, I'd def put distance bettween you...

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