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To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

(208 Posts)
Warmfirechocolate Mon 09-Dec-19 12:31:21

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.


Savingshoes Mon 09-Dec-19 13:02:44

300 miles to eat dinner?
Your friends sound like they're oblivious to your challenges.
I would let them know if you haven't already. Start by saying "I'm really hurt that after all my time and energy..."
If they bring up the meal, say "no, I can eat here, maybe we'll Skype or you can pop over when your next in my neighbourhood" one of them might mention it's too far to visit you and you can then bring up your next point - you do all the traveling.

SleepwalkingThroughLife Mon 09-Dec-19 13:19:23

Well if they can't afford it, they can't afford it. Maybe their finances are tighter than yours.

sauvignonblancplz Mon 09-Dec-19 13:22:56

You’re putting in more than you’re getting out. I would explain your feelings and see how they respond .
Take a step back OP, it’s not fair at all.

PinkiOcelot Mon 09-Dec-19 13:23:26

I don’t understand why everyone has dropped out just because 1 person can’t afford it. I would be really pissed off as well.

xChristmasJumperx Mon 09-Dec-19 13:28:24

Id stop trying and HOPE that somebody else suggests something at some point.

Warmfirechocolate Mon 09-Dec-19 13:31:12

Thanks. I am gutted as we are such long term friends. This weekend was to be a really special one, once in 10 year type thing. sad

I appreciate friend had limited funds, and I’d have paid for her myself but she was saying but I really can’t take Friday off work... etc so I just don’t think she wanted this. The reason it was all or nothing was because this IS the one special event for all of us - and everyone else decided we had to do something all together, even if it was just a lunch, or not at all.

Jesuisclaude Mon 09-Dec-19 13:36:19

Oh I have similar. Group of six also. I have past breaking point and now invest time in new friendships.

Plus there’s about two others of the group who WILL do stuff and want to do stuff, so i now organise stuff to suit the three of us, invite everyone in the group well in advance, all go omfg amazing yes let’s def do that, half will have dropped out the week of event, me and the other two will go to whatever it was we organised in the first place and enjoy it. Suits everyone.

Londongirl86 Mon 09-Dec-19 13:38:50

Sometimes people don't understand other people's issues. I'm an introvert. I'm also a full time mum with no childcare. Leaving my kids is just not something I do. My son is strong willed and a toddler and there's nobody really that I feel can handle him right now. Financially people have different commitments.

It might be deep down she doesn't want to go and leave her kids. Maybe her partner has moaned about her going away,wasting money, leaving the kids.

My friend's just been a bridesmaid. She has 3 kids and no childcare. The bride wanted her to go on her hen party abroad. She got alot of stick for saying she couldn't afford it and didnt want to leave the baby.

It's a shame you four don't go though. I don't ever find things easy to organise anymore. Once you throw jobs, partner's, kids, animals and money in its tricky!

Stephminx Mon 09-Dec-19 13:44:15

So I’m guessing you’re at least 30 ? It sounds like you’ve all been away from uni for some time and have moved on with life (geographically too).

If this friend can’t afford it, both in terms of cost and time off work (if she prioritises her annual leave for other things), there’s not much you can do. Maybe she’s not happy accepting charity.

If you’re not happy to travel, then don’t. I’m assuming you’re the furthest away ? Are the others closer ?

Maybe time to get some new friends who fit your life now ? Sounds like it’s tine to move on.

senua Mon 09-Dec-19 13:44:30

I agree with claude. It seems daft to dump all the friends because one backed out. Make time for those who make time for you and be a bit cooler with the others.
Don't burn your boats, though. Friendships have their ups and downs; just roll with it.

Warmfirechocolate Mon 09-Dec-19 13:45:47

Friend who separated and has one child aged 17 that can stay at her mums down the road or her Dads... I on the other hand have a young disabled child! I do appreciate everyone has commitments which is why I spent so long getting a weekend we could all do. And friend had agreed and wanted to do this last year! It’s been a year in the planning.

Warmfirechocolate Mon 09-Dec-19 13:46:11

Oops I meant friend who bailed out...

charm8ed Mon 09-Dec-19 13:50:18

It could be financial , it could be medical or anxiety that makes her cancel. Why don’t the rest of you still go?

Thethiniceofanewday Mon 09-Dec-19 13:50:46

Money can be really tight at this time of year. Did anyone call or message her and say they’d cover it for her?

justmyview Mon 09-Dec-19 14:12:08

More information required, I think.....

If you agreed that you would fly to Paris, stay in a 3 star hotel, with a total budget for the weekend of £X, then YANBU to be frustrated that you found something suitable and they bailed out

On the other hand, if you agreed that you would go away somewhere for the weekend, with no discussion about destination or budget, then YABU to complain if what you suggested doesn't suit other people

As for other people pulling out – perhaps they feel that all of you celebrating your birthday together is more important than just some of the group getting together, especially since it's to celebrate a significant birthday

I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it..................... everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore I don't mean to be unkind, but maybe they don't share your enthusiasm for a group weekend away. Doesn't mean they don't value your friendship

Doobigetta Mon 09-Dec-19 14:16:59

Does everyone else in the group live nearer to each other? If that’s the case, could you change the plan so it’s a weekend full of activities near where they live, and you stay in a hotel? That would mean that the flaky friend could dip in and out but is still “included”.

I get why you’re frustrated though, it’s shit when everyone is making an effort except one person and everyone dances around that one person.

SweetSally Mon 09-Dec-19 14:22:18


It's frustrating that you have invested so much time and effort in your desire to accommodate everyone's needs.

However, you are expecting way too much out of people. It sounds like you are still living your uni life and you want to go on a 'girls only holiday' when the rest of your friends are more mature and want to have lunch together.

I have a friend that sounds very much like you and she's extremely annoying in her desire to make our friendship group obey her fantasy world of how we go on a holiday together "sex and the city style"

You should most certainly keep your friends and change your expectations to what they need to be like. I presume, everyone's agreed to a holiday without thinking it through and now the time has come nearer to booking they've started to have second thoughts within reason (financial, annual leave, family)

OrangeZog Mon 09-Dec-19 14:22:58

I think I would back off organising things and see whether anyone else starts to do so. You might find you’ve outgrown being a group who do things together but hopefully you can still do individual things together if some of the others are keen.

Floralnomad Mon 09-Dec-19 14:30:02

Do the rest of them all live nearer each other and hence see each other more often , it sounds a bit like you are the odd one out .

Pumpkinpie1 Mon 09-Dec-19 14:31:21

Have You thought of doing something cheaper? Perhaps a meal & sleep in the hotel afterwards, perhaps if 5here were 2 options ie 2 nights & a night your friend might be able to go?
It is hard when people get older and are busy but perhaps scaling things down so they are more affordable for everyone is a solution?

thunderandsunshine01 Mon 09-Dec-19 14:32:18

I would be gutted and angry also.

Be interesting to see if they all meet up for that lunch without you, since they are following an all or nothing rule of thumb

ConkerGame Mon 09-Dec-19 14:33:55

OP I’ve had two similar-ish situations. One where I would do all the organising but people were really unappreciative (but we did all still do the thing I’d organised). I ended up getting fed up of doing it all with no thanks so I just stopped. It meant that we didn’t see each other for a year as nobody else bothered and they were likely expecting me to step up and get back on it. Eventually someone else cracked and booked something and now we take it in turns. They just had to miss each other enough to take up the burden!

The other situation was a group where only one person had a baby. She obviously had to start missing things so then everyone would pull out of events as it “wasn’t fair on her”. I thought that was ridiculous so found the one in the group who most still wanted to meet up. The two of us would plan and book things and then let the others know they could join us if they liked. They ended up doing so once they realised we’d do stuff without them. And our friend was eventually able to leave her baby and join us too!

MindYours Mon 09-Dec-19 14:38:57

If everyone else has dropped out just because one of them has, I'm betting nobody was that keen in the first place but the others didn't want to be the one who cancelled first. I'd back off to be honest and focus on other friendships.

AJplusone Mon 09-Dec-19 14:40:33

I am having this exact same problem at the moment.

I gather the way you're feeling is you put a lot of effort into organising a nice weekend that everyone was looking forward to. Now, one woman has pulled out because she can't afford it (you're not begrudging her that), now everyone has changed the plans and the new plans are totally inconvenient for you and perfectly convenient for everyone else. But no one has thought about that have they? Because you're so reliable and you always go to everything, no questions asked. If you say no to lunch will they all still go without you? If so, that speaks volumes.

I feel for you, but take it as a time to appreciate the good friends you do have around. Let us know how it goes xx

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