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To refuse to take DC to see PIL for xmas

(131 Posts)
oytugyhyguu Mon 09-Dec-19 05:02:32

A long back story but will try to be brief.

SIL has mental health issues (anxiety and depression) and lives with PILs. After DH and I got married SIL has always ended up causing some sort of issue every time I am around. We would see them around twice a year as they live 9 hour drive away. I completely get SIL is unwell so i would ignore things she said or did ( throwing objects at me (this happened once), leaving the room when I would enter, saying nasty things about me loudly so I would hear to extend family members, being rude etc). Not once have I every said anything back to SIL just so I wouldn’t antagonise her and make her illness worse.

Things came to a head two years ago when she physically attacked me because she got upset (She asked me how long I was visiting for and I said 5 days) and wanted me to leave PILs house immediately however it was past midnight and my 1 year old DC was sleeping and I refused to leave DC. During this outburst she was begging DH to “divorce that bitch” and blamed me for her metal health issues, her unemployment and for the reason she does not have a partner or children. She said that her family was destroyed the day we got married.

I have not seen or heard from my in-laws since this incident 2 years ago (DH has visited on his own). I will admit I have not contacted them either however, this was because they told DH SIL did not attack me and implied I was lying. I had planned to go for dinner earlier this year however on the day in laws told DH not to bring me as they didn’t know how my SIL would react to me being pregnant.

We have now had DC2 four months ago. PIL have not come to see the baby (or spoke to me) but want DH to bring both kids to them for xmas. DC2 is breastfed so I would have to go along too. I have also found out SIL was sectioned for 2 months and was released from hospital a month ago.

AIBU to not let my kids be around SIL when she clearly has so much hatred towards me? PIL clearly don’t give a fuck about me either so why should I bother taking the kids to them for Christmas?

I suggested to DH they come to us for Christmas ( I even invited SIL) but PIL says it’s too cold where we stay (central Scotland not the bloody artic).

BillHadersNewWife Mon 09-Dec-19 05:16:03

Your DH should not entertain visiting them for Christmas! He can't...NO WAY.

It's not SIL's fault she's ill but your inlaws have acted like absolute arseholes to you.

THey should be visiting you!

Niki93 Mon 09-Dec-19 05:16:32

Nah you’re defo not being unreasonable. Your husband should be backing you and explain to PIL that if they wish to see the children, then they can make the effort and travel to you (preferably without SIL if possible). You don’t deserve that treatment and someones mental health shouldn’t justify it.

Has SIL just developed a hatred for you out of nowhere? Is it protection feelings towards her brother? Either way they’ve outcasted you which isnt ok. Dont go, enjoy your Christmas as a family of four and offer them to come to you since you’re breastfeeding. If they decline that’s their choice but you can ssy you offered. They sound abit of a toxic one sided family x

PurpleDaisies Mon 09-Dec-19 05:17:35

This is what Skype is for.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 Mon 09-Dec-19 05:21:48

You're inlaws are disgrace and so is you're DH for allowing it to happen in the first place. Youre part of the family not a baby maker to provide them ith grandchildren to bring and not exclude you because Sil is jealous.

TheSerenDipitY Mon 09-Dec-19 05:23:50

so your sister in law has been allowed, without consequence, to be rude to you, to attack you, lie about you, throw you out of her parents home? and your husband still goes to visit and now he wants to take the children?

thats the problem right there.... start by fixing that one first, he should be standing up and saying that you are his WIFE! the MOTHER of his CHILDREN!!!!! and if you are not welcome then neither is he, he should also be demanding a proper apology to you from them all and not budging on getting it.... no he shouldnt be visiting them still, he needs to get out of the fog and he should be doing it before your children learn that you are a non entity in the family

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 Mon 09-Dec-19 05:26:13

If shes so unstable to be physically attacked you before and was insutitionalized I wouldn't be letting me dc go there unattended either

SpaceDinosaur Mon 09-Dec-19 05:26:34


YANBU. Your DH can go but certainly not your children.

Perhaps invite PIL for a meal over the period to offer an olive branch but absolutely no way expose your DC or yourself to SIL.

What's your DH's take on it all?

CalmdownJanet Mon 09-Dec-19 05:28:39

Not a fucking hope!

Not only do they not give a shit about you but they don't give a shit about your kids either so no point in pretending. I can't believe you even invited them to be honest, cut them out of you and your kids lives and let dh do what he likes

AlwaysCheddar Mon 09-Dec-19 05:30:59

Wtf! No way! How awkward for staters being with PIL but there the fact that she hates you and may harm you again. Does your dh not care about that?

Hooleywhipper Mon 09-Dec-19 05:38:28

YANBU ++++!!

ukgift2016 Mon 09-Dec-19 05:41:25

YANBU. Protect your children.

Lulubelle15 Mon 09-Dec-19 05:44:39

No way in hell would I be letting me kids go to see them without me - in fact, after the way you've been treated we would not be darkening their door again until receiving a big apology.

Jokie Mon 09-Dec-19 05:45:09

Not a chance in hell would I let my kids be around this and more importantly, I would be kicking DH for not backing me up around his parents. Wtf is he playing at?

Your in-laws are enabling your SILs behaviour. She may be mentally ill but that doesn't give you a free card to be a bitch.

2beautifulbabs Mon 09-Dec-19 05:48:30

No chance please put the safety of your children first and yours before the feelings of his parents they showed no care towards you after your sil attacked you was verbally unkind illness or no illness that's not on

I feel for her that she's ill that's not nice for anyone to go through but clearly she's not well at all and I'd be worried about the safety of my children around someone like that your DH needs to back you up more and tell them no that they are both welcome to visit you but you shall not be going to them

virginpinkmartini Mon 09-Dec-19 05:56:14

Nope. Why should you be expected to put your children in a situation where this violent individual had access to them?

If my SIL had assaulted me, MH issues or not, she would have been very, very sorry. Mental issues do not give you a free pass to act like a thug.

GnomeDePlume Mon 09-Dec-19 06:06:23


For whatever reason you trigger a reaction in your DSiL. There is a risk that your DCs could also do that. You are an adult so could defend yourself or walk away. Your DCs are vulnerable.

It is not worth the risk of this happening.

NigesFakeWalkingStick Mon 09-Dec-19 06:09:46

YANBU - hell would freeze over before I went up there, and I think your DH should be supporting you more in this rather than avoiding the issue by going up without you.

How did your DH react when your SIL behaved like this? What did your in-laws do when it happened?

Your PIL clearly support your SIL behaviour, and if that were me, I would be disappointed that my DH was still facilitating any kind of contact with that toxicity. Unless there is something you've not explained, his sisters behaviour towards you and his parents silence in the matter is horrific and shouldn't be brushed under the carpet.

If your PIL are desperate to see the kids (which they clearly aren't) they should be travelling to you, with a big fucking apology for going silent on you for two fucking years.

Lastly, having mental health issues doesn't condone behaving like a feral animal, so whilst I'm sympathetic to your SIL issues (I have many myself) I think it's abhorrent that everyone has just accepted this as appropriate.

PianoTuner567 Mon 09-Dec-19 06:10:59

What does your DH think? You’ve not said much about what his opinion is on all this.

AJPTaylor Mon 09-Dec-19 06:15:53

Your children are not toys.
It sounds like pil are in an impossible all consuming situation but surely they would have taken the chance to see you all when she was sectioned?

Fcukthisshit Mon 09-Dec-19 06:19:06

There’s no way I’d be putting my kids into that situation. If PIL want to see the baby they’ll have to arrange care for SIL and come to you on their own.

dottycat123 Mon 09-Dec-19 06:22:41

Of course you shouldn't go. As a mental health nurse I can confidently say that sil's behaviour is not due to anxiety and depression, this would not cause her to be out of contact with reality and unable to control her responses. Even if Sil had a psychotic illness it would unlikely account for this. I suspect she has a personality disorder but again no reason to justify her behaviour in the majority of people. Very few mentally ill people are violent and this targeted response suggests she is making a choice.

Ponoka7 Mon 09-Dec-19 06:22:54

As someone whose cared for an Adult who is unwell to the point of needing sectioning, I can understand why they don't want to visit you.

They are her carers and you can't just go away when it suits. Very often, in the case of Parent and Adult child, they aren't viewed and don't view themselves as carers.

They are in a nightmare position, because they can't cure or abandon their mentally ill Daughter.

Your baby can't leave you, so that's out of the question, anyway. The way to continue is to have your DH carry on visiting and take your children.

This fixation she has on you, isn't uncommon with some mental illnesses. My DD runs residential units for people with a complex diagnosis and they often have to move residents or staff because of the same thing.

Stoople Mon 09-Dec-19 06:22:54

YANBU. I agree with others who say you could invite them over without SIL (I doubt they would travel all that way) as a peace offering. If your DH can't see why you don't want him to take them and won't stand up for you then you have a DH problem. It is hard living with someone you love who is suffering with poor MH, but if she was sectioned she should have had a key worker for a while afterwards who was checking in, and who PIL could contact. If she was physically attacking you and you were a trigger for no real reason then they could have contacted them.

Spidey66 Mon 09-Dec-19 06:23:29

Her behaviour is not caused by anxiety and depression. That doesn't make people behave like a bitch. The family should stop excusing and enabling her behaviour.

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