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Had argument with DP over drinking now he hasn't come home from the shop

(112 Posts)
youcanbetonHOLD Sun 08-Dec-19 23:43:59

Shitting it.
Recently decided to come down hard on DPs drinking and not be an enabler like I have been for the past 6 years. Pregnant again so that's why it feels more urgent now.

He regularly drinks large amounts. At least 8 cans. He drinks at least 3/4 times a week.
He will go to the shop at 11 and even ride his bike to the further one which is open later and much further away, just for beer and fags.

Tonight was more of the same. We went to the pub for dinner with our three kids. He had two pints. Brought 8 cans on way back. Only three left. He left at 10:40/45 to make it before shop closes for cigarettes and beer.

I took the house key and told him I don't want him smoking or drinking anymore. We had a big argument and heart to heart only two or three days ago where he swore he would stop.

Well its been 40 mins. And he isn't back from the SHOP. Only 5 mins there and back on the bike.
He is showing me who is boss isn't he? I don't know what to do.
I have called local pubs. Most are shutting now anyway. And friends who live nearby.
He has no family he sees anymore so I don't know where he could be.
I am worried he is hurt.
I am also worried I have unintentionally given him an ultimatum and he has chosen beer and fucking fags.

He said he was going for cigarettes but it would have been for beer as well.
He got through 5 cans in about an hour and a half.

I am worried about him long term.
And short term.

He agreed he had a problem and joined an online community for about a month about 2 years ago. Then he started drinking again and all arguments are deflected. He will stop drinking when I cut down on sugar. Or work out every day or start running (not being a dick- they were my failing goals)
He will not admit it is a problem anymore, even after our breakthrough.
Now I am worried he is out on his bike pissed up and Could be in serious danger. I would rather him home drinking than out in a mood. He didn't even take his phone! He let me go on it while he went to the shop because mine was dead.

He is lovely and kind and caring 90% of the time.
A functioning alcoholic though.
I am not going to leave him but the kids say things about daddy's drinking beer and mommy's drinking tea.
'I'm daddy I have whisky' etc. So very much affe ting them already.

His argument used to be that his dad used to drink 4 cans most night. Even if it was the last bit of money in the bank (I know it's true)

Ginfordinner Mon 09-Dec-19 00:27:30

He is not a perfect partner and father because alcohol comes first.

Put your children first and get rid of him or he will drag you all down with him.

Naughty1205 Mon 09-Dec-19 00:27:32

Jesus, sorry OP but your poor kids. Is this what you want them to think is normal? Are you happy with that? Kick.him out, give him an ultimatum.

messolini9 Mon 09-Dec-19 00:30:49

He is lovely and kind and caring 90% of the time. A functioning alcoholic though.

No.
He is an alcoholic 100% of the time, & lovely & caring in the moments that nobody gets between him & his booze.

OP your entire first post screams with worry for him. It is time to stop that, & replace it with worry for yourself, your kids, & your pregnancy.

He will stop tomorrow.
He will stop when you give up sugar.
He will stop when you go to the gym or start running.
What he will not do is take personal responsibility, TODAY, own his disease, stop drinking & start treatment.

Note well how he attributes HIS promises to YOUR actions.
How long before he starts BLAMING his behaviour on your actions?
if only you didn't nag, he wouldn't need to drink.
If only you stopped sugar, he could stop booze.
It is fucking bullshit.
He is also blaming his dad, or excusing himself due to his dad's drinking.
You know this is impacting the kids. Do you want them to become adults who also blame their dad for their drinking / insecurity / poor mental health / whatever?

It's ultimatum time OP.
It's not going to get better on its own.
You cannot change him.
He either decides he wants to help himself, & that his family is worth more than booze, or he needs to remove himself from the family home.

Living with an alkie is miserable innit OP.
I am so sorry you are going though this. But it's up to you now, to not allow it to affect the kids & JUST as importantly, you, anymore.

noworlater13 Mon 09-Dec-19 00:34:43

He works 60 hours a week, has 3 dc and one on the way and your telling me he has time to be Bored?... or needs another hobby?
How can he be a good father if he's working all the time or drinking?
Being poor has nothing to do with why you stay. Many single mothers including myself do it for the dc. The damage to your dc will come back to bite you for his mistakes.

He won't stop until something really bad happens, and from what you've said it has to be very very bad because he's not got much besides you and the dc and the thought of losing you doesn't make him do anything but teach you that you don't control him!

Countryescape Mon 09-Dec-19 00:36:18

You should leave. I’m also not sure why you decided to have another baby with him knowing he was a functioning alcoholic. That was very silly but it’s done now. You can leave and get a flat, go on benefits and he will have to support you and your children.

youcanbetonHOLD Mon 09-Dec-19 00:40:15

@lunasorchid

I cinsidered aborting this baby and last baby. But couldnt go through with it. Contraceptive failures. Have trouble finding something that works, especially when breast feeding and compatable with other med.

His arvument is he does it when they are in bed.
The kids a had a massive tantrum with me when i had an anergy drink before. Mistaking it for a beer can.
He doesnt just do it whem they are in bed. He is blatantly lying.

Evwn if i were to leave it wouldnt be instantanious. It would be over a period of time where i 'got ready'

Ps i have been to womans aid and it is so full. I went 2x and when women are in there with broken fucking faces am i really going to waste their time.

My dad used to beat my mom senseless. Even when she was pregnant. My brother was born 2 months prem. I guess i just dont see it as a big enough problem to become intentionally homeless with children for.

Plus how temporary is temporary accomidation? Months? Years? I am sure i am not a priority as me and the kids arent in physical danger.

Everyone has said he has to want to change. And be ready to. How can i aid him? Because i am not ready to leave my home and my drunkard supportive partner when i have a baby coming so soon. I suffered really bad PND last baby and became almist suicidal (i am not dead so i say almost) but i was in a bad place and i cant see myself staying sane in a bedsit for 12 months with 4 children. It will not work. I know that already.

I have considered leaving many times but again, you have to want to and be ready to and i am not ready to call it quits yeet. He is a good man but he drinks too much.
Surely it is more damaging for the children to be homeless.
If there was a way i could just go from this place to a permanent place i might just do it but i cant be messing my children around like that.

It is hard to rent with universal credit now too. Most landlords wont even think about people in my position without a very large deposit (which i dont have) because they cant get the rent straight from housing benefit. It has to go through tenants now. I am not stupid and i have looked at leaving but it is a long and scary road. Scarier than staying put.

messolini9 Mon 09-Dec-19 00:46:17

Has anyone dealt with an alchoholic husband/ partner before?
Yes.

How do you show them the light?
You can't.
Please accept this.it is the absolute truth.
Only HE can do it, & he does not want to.
His words mean jackshit.
His promises mean jackshit.
His bargaining means jackshit.
The only meaningful thing he can offer is to recognise his alcoholism & take the necessary professional help, or have the grace to move out for the kids sake.

Realisticall im not going to leave the bastard. Being pregnant i couldnt hope to support myself anyway so where do i go?

You wont have to entirely support yourself. So long as he remains functional ie employed he has to pay you maintenance & support his children.
Apart from that, you can ask here, or CAB, or Womens Aid, about what benefits you qualify for.

As to where you go, again Womens Aid for advice, support & referrals. You may even qualify for housing, & certainly for housing benefit.

This must all feel very shocking & alienating & not the way you felt your life was going to pan out or who you wanted to be.

However - if you stay, nothing will change except for the worse.
He won't take positive action. That only leaves 1 adult in your household who will & that's you, whatever you feel about it. Hoping for change or relying on the word of a drunk won't fix it.
Only you can fix it, by either getting him to leave, or you & the kids starting afresh in your own new home.

Until you take that action he has absolutely zero incentive to review his drinking, let alone decide to change.

Andysbestadventure Mon 09-Dec-19 00:47:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sweeneytoddsrazor Mon 09-Dec-19 00:49:22

Its a scary road but staying put will undoubtedly damage your children. Your DH is nc with his family and blames his DF for his drinking. That is your future. DCs that don't want to see you and a DH that is an alcoholic if he is still alive by then. It is not better for your children to live with an alcoholic than in temporary accommodation.

youcanbetonHOLD Mon 09-Dec-19 00:51:02

@sleepingsoul
What happened? How long did it take you to find the strength to throw everything away.?
I always told him when our eldest was a baby that if it starts affecting him i would leave. Or kick him out. But i am having cold feet.

I didnt even get called into the room to talk to the lady in WA. I was in the waiting room all day and told to come back the mext day. To wait again. I was told them i was worried about the kids spilling the beans so wanted to leave them at school and they told me leaving for the school run would put me at the bottom of the list, as opposed to those who waited all day.
They saod i can make an appointment but the next appointment was in over a month.
I made it waited the month but when i got there i waited all day again and women with a higher priority were seen (even though i thought it was based on first come first serve- but obviously i would prefer someone with higher need jump the que)
I cant take the kids out of school for how ever long it takes to be seen. Espercially when the worst thing my dp has dine is broke some furniture. No bones. No bruises. Just drink.

I didnt exoect this thread to go this way. I tgought you would all say 'you need to tell him this and he will get it'

Do i really need to leave him?
If i leave do you tgink he will sober up?

Fuck

sweeneytoddsrazor Mon 09-Dec-19 00:56:11

Will he sober up if you leave?

Only if he wants to.

messolini9 Mon 09-Dec-19 00:56:14

He works 60+ hours a week. So not much time for a hobby. Which is why i think he is said he needs a hobby. Because realistically he hasnt time for one.

Stop buying the bollocks he's selling you.
He's got plenty of time for drinking.
He doesn't WANT a hobby. He already has one. It's boozing, & it's more important to him than you, his children, or the baby.

I am not saying this to hurt your feelings OP. I am genuinely sorry & appalled for you.
The best step you can take to stop enabling is Al-Anon, who will give you the unvarnished truth & support for YOU. Not him. Don't tell him about it until you have joined, & stop sharing this thread with him.

Zofloramummy Mon 09-Dec-19 00:56:40

How much is he spending on booze that should be on food and stuff for the kids?

There are no magic words to change someone else’s behaviour and you know that. Also why should you leave? He can leave rather than disrupting 4 kids from their home. His most important relationship is with alcohol and his needs. You all come a poor second. Teach your kids that they deserve better than watching daddy get drunk.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend Mon 09-Dec-19 01:04:23

Your kids play at being drunk?!?
Good god OP, really THINK about the impact this is having on them. What a shit father he is.
And if you can’t find contraception that works, stop having sex with him. Sorry to be blunt but why would you keep bringing innocent children into this situation?
Do I really need to leave him?
For your and your children’s sake, yes.

messolini9 Mon 09-Dec-19 01:08:53

His arvument is he does it when they are in bed.

His argument, & he, can fuck right off.

Even though you both know it is a lie, let's explode it further.
Are your kids in bed when he is hungover?
Are they in bed when he cannot function due to beer fear or depression, anxiety or sickness caused by his massive alcohol intake?
Are they in bed when he is spending fuckloads of money on booze that could have been spent on happy family times?
Are they in bed when they see mum's stress & worry & constant appeals for dad to stop drinking?

STOP BUYING HIS NARRATIVE.
And stop wondering about how you can get him to the GP to get referral & treatment. You dont need it. He does. You facilitating it for him is more enablement. It means nothing, it has no truth or honest chance of sustained effort & success unless HE DECIDES TO DO IT FOR HIMSELF.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 09-Dec-19 01:11:12

You said you're poor?

How much is he spending pissing the money up the wall, and fags aren't they like a tenner a packet now?

messolini9 Mon 09-Dec-19 01:15:47

I cant take the kids out of school for how ever long it takes to be seen. Espercially when the worst thing my dp has dine is broke some furniture. No bones. No bruises. Just drink.

Yes you can my dear.

What you are doing here is minimising your situation. Just because there are women who you perceive as worse off, it doesn't mean that your situation is bearable.

Once you get actually get to a proper appointment at WA, you will find that they will take his drinking, & your desire to protect the children from the effects of it, very seriously.

youcanbetonHOLD Mon 09-Dec-19 01:24:11

@Andysbestadventure
Well i am a sahm and i am pregnant and i completely rely on my fucking dp .
Why am i a suspect?
You think im making this shit up? We live in a disgusting flat and my life is falling to shreds but thanks andy. Nice to know you think im a liar too.

I suppose im not the usual mumsnetter. Not on 80k a year with 17198282k savings and parents to help with house deposit.

I suppose i should have used a condom every time we have sex or never have sex at all because my life isnt perfect but .... i am in a committed relationship and having another baby with the man i love isnt a problem until you realise hes a drunk. And by then its too late and we already have children. Having one more isnt the end of the world and i posted before about considering abortion. I was told to think about it thoroughly because you dont regret having children, but you do regret having abortions.

I am not a liar. Maybe have my head in the sand a little but im not lying. And i am slowly realising that i may have it a bit too deep in the sand.

We are as a couple trying to better our situation and have been saving but we have been in a shit position for a long time and it tales years and years to save to get out of here. And stay on in the same city. We can't afford it yet we probably could if he wasnt spending on booze but whatever

DecemberSnow Mon 09-Dec-19 01:29:37

You had VERY VERY VERY bad arguments with him.
You know his an alcoholic.
You have no way out.....
No money of your own....
What do you do....

"Have another child".... Yep, cause that will make things easier

user764329056 Mon 09-Dec-19 01:30:39

It’s terrifying when the cold hard truth hits home OP, I can remember that feeling when I realised the only person who could makes changes in a similar situation to yours was me. So I did, for the sake of my sanity and that of DCs. I put him last in the order of importance for once and did the right thing for me and DCs. Step away from the madness before it consumes you because it will, alcoholism is progressive, and living as you are now it is inevitable that things will get worse because he’s obviously addicted and you and the DCs are living in and with that addiction. Honestly you have to make big changes however frightening it feels. You can do it and the sooner the better.

youcanbetonHOLD Mon 09-Dec-19 01:41:07

@Zofloramummy
Well for a while it came first but this year he got a promotion at work and now we can afford days out and have saved all the excess. It is a big difderence for us. Put that with what i saved from tax credits over the years and we are close to buying a house but that is with scrimping and saving.
We are not poor now i suppose but that is wuite recent.
I actually started saving because of mumsnet stories lol feel like and arsehole now.

But when i said the joys of being poor i was on about living in a tiny flat becaus eit is all we could afford to rent for the last 5 years. We recently have more money and have put almost every penny away, apart from going on our first ever holiday (camping cost us 80 quid plus food grin)
Don't think we are hard up though, we always had food and rent just no luxuries. Except internet and beer and fags
Obviously

I also had enough to put away a few quid a week from tax credits but never told dp (so he wouldnt spend it)

Just for context

And he doesnt drive to work, gets a lift

He is a good dad. He plays with the kids and takes them to the park. He cooks and cleans . But he drinks alot. He doesnt get hung over anymore. But he is a twat if he cant get to the shop before it closes
and he does work hard long hours. Commute is 4 hr round trip.

I hated it when my parents split, i was 12ish and my sister purposely wet herself at 11 because she hated ut too. I just think splitting is the end of the world. But my mum started a new relationship and moved the guy in with us within hours so that may be clouding my judgement. I really dont want to split up. I will see about alcoholic anon
And i will go to womens aid after xmas, i dont want to ruin the kids nativity by taking them out of school. Even if it is just so i can show him how serious i am about the drink.

Stoople Mon 09-Dec-19 01:47:25

He doesn't put every penny away though does he, even if the 10 cans he buys are cheap, that adds up. That should show you where his priorities lie, you and most definitely your children deserve better. He isn't a good father, he puts drinking before all of you, and they will be affected by this. Even if he agreed to go to the GP, the wait for treatment is long and not guaranteed (wrong I know); you need to put your children and unborn baby first. Just because you don't have any physical injuries, it doesn't mean you aren't worthy of any help, please reach back out to them and see what your options are.

youcanbetonHOLD Mon 09-Dec-19 01:54:36

Really? That makes sense tbf.
I guess i expected him to go to the gp and the gp would lock him in rehab and he'd come out sober after a month or something. Of course there is a waiting list. Even if i get him there i doubt i can keep him interested for long enough.

TheBouquets Mon 09-Dec-19 01:56:18

If you have savings I would suggest that you use the savings to get a place for yourself and the children. That is much more important than living with someone who drinks all the time and smokes as well.
You would be saving the cost of booze and fags if you got rid of the consumer.

Creepster Mon 09-Dec-19 01:57:59

You need to begin making an escape plan.
It is the functional part of the alcoholism that diminishes with time, and the volume and frequency that increases.
You cannot make them care enough to get treatment. They have to do it on their own.
You can stop pretending that it does not affect your life, his life, your children's life.

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