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AIBU?

Had argument with DP over drinking now he hasn't come home from the shop

111 replies

youcanbetonHOLD · 08/12/2019 23:43

Shitting it.
Recently decided to come down hard on DPs drinking and not be an enabler like I have been for the past 6 years. Pregnant again so that's why it feels more urgent now.

He regularly drinks large amounts. At least 8 cans. He drinks at least 3/4 times a week.
He will go to the shop at 11 and even ride his bike to the further one which is open later and much further away, just for beer and fags.

Tonight was more of the same. We went to the pub for dinner with our three kids. He had two pints. Brought 8 cans on way back. Only three left. He left at 10:40/45 to make it before shop closes for cigarettes and beer.

I took the house key and told him I don't want him smoking or drinking anymore. We had a big argument and heart to heart only two or three days ago where he swore he would stop.

Well its been 40 mins. And he isn't back from the SHOP. Only 5 mins there and back on the bike.
He is showing me who is boss isn't he? I don't know what to do.
I have called local pubs. Most are shutting now anyway. And friends who live nearby.
He has no family he sees anymore so I don't know where he could be.
I am worried he is hurt.
I am also worried I have unintentionally given him an ultimatum and he has chosen beer and fucking fags.

He said he was going for cigarettes but it would have been for beer as well.
He got through 5 cans in about an hour and a half.

I am worried about him long term.
And short term.

He agreed he had a problem and joined an online community for about a month about 2 years ago. Then he started drinking again and all arguments are deflected. He will stop drinking when I cut down on sugar. Or work out every day or start running (not being a dick- they were my failing goals)
He will not admit it is a problem anymore, even after our breakthrough.
Now I am worried he is out on his bike pissed up and Could be in serious danger. I would rather him home drinking than out in a mood. He didn't even take his phone! He let me go on it while he went to the shop because mine was dead.

He is lovely and kind and caring 90% of the time.
A functioning alcoholic though.
I am not going to leave him but the kids say things about daddy's drinking beer and mommy's drinking tea.
'I'm daddy I have whisky' etc. So very much affe ting them already.

His argument used to be that his dad used to drink 4 cans most night. Even if it was the last bit of money in the bank (I know it's true)

OP posts:

Report

youcanbetonHOLD · 08/12/2019 23:44

He just walked in

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2019 23:48

How long do you want to live like this? Is this the example you want to give your children?

LunasOrchid · 08/12/2019 23:48

YABU - Why are you subjecting your children to this? Why are you allowing them to grow up thinking this kind of behaviour is ok? Yes you are an enabler! Grow a spine and leave, set the right example for your children.

TheLittleBrownFox · 08/12/2019 23:50

I'm glad he's home safe.

He's an alcoholic who won't admit he's got a problem. Going out on his bike while pissed isn't exactly great idea either. The question is, what will you do for yourself and your children?

youcanbetonHOLD · 08/12/2019 23:52

We all know I can't just leave. Like most sahms I am completely reliant on him. No income.
No where to go. 3 children and one on the way.

What realistically can I do

OP posts:

CarolwithaC · 08/12/2019 23:54

Don't worry. He might have just had the chain come off on the gears, and if he is 8 cans in, I imagine it's not a quick fix. Even harder in the dark. He will be fine, he will just be sat with the bycicle upside down with greasy fingers fiddling with the chain.lol. It will sober him up by the time he fixes it. Down worry. Get him a scooter for Christmas.
But don't worry. He will be spending longer out to make you feel horrid. Stay strong lovely

youcanbetonHOLD · 09/12/2019 00:02

He got stuck in the lift on the way back. He wasn't being a dick. Thank god it was raining so i could see he was dry and not lying.

What can i do for myself and my xhildren? I cant even leave a small bottle of something for myself in the cupboard from xmas without it beung drunk by greedy guts.

Has anyone dealt with an alchoholic husband/ partner before? How do you show them the light?
Realisticall im not going to leave the bastard. Being pregnant i couldnt hope to support myself anyway so where do i go? I am desperate.
Although not terrified he has been hit by a car anymore. Oh god.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2019 00:03

You can leave. It wont be easy it will be bloody hard, but there is help out there. You will probably have to go into temporary accommodation to start off with and claim benefits but you do not have to stay.

Ginfordinner · 09/12/2019 00:03

You can't do anything other than stop enabling him.

You didn't cause it
You can't control him
You can't cure him

And I know it is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, but please get some watertight contraception in place.

TheLittleBrownFox · 09/12/2019 00:03

What realistically can I do

User the online benefits calculator to find out how much you'd be entitled to. Look at rents, work out CMS, talk to friends and family. Get back into work once this one is here, and/or look at things like the earn £10 a day threads on here full of work you can do from home. Find out your options. Save up. Plan.

youcanbetonHOLD · 09/12/2019 00:04

@carolwithac
You were almost right!

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2019 00:04

You cannot show them the light. He wont get sober unless he really wants to.

Ginfordinner · 09/12/2019 00:06

And until he realises that he has a problem you will waste your life worrying about him, his wellbeing, your wellbeing and your children's wellbeing.

I have seen my lovely SIL beaten down by her husband's alcoholism. He is now in full time residential care because he needs 24/7 care.

The advice from everyone here is hrash, but is the only way forward for you.

TheLittleBrownFox · 09/12/2019 00:06

I believe Al Anon has support for spouses, you could ask there. But the answer to

How do you show them the light?
Realisticall im not going to leave the bastard.

is very simple - you can't. He has to realise it for himself and want to change. That might be 5 days down the line, it might be 50 years or not at all.

PotteringAlong · 09/12/2019 00:06

Did he really get stuck in a lift? Or was he just drinking indoors somewhere?

TheLittleBrownFox · 09/12/2019 00:09

@potteringAlong

I wonder how many lifts there are between a home and a shop 5 minutes away, that you can take a cycle in

Touchofclass · 09/12/2019 00:10

My DP is a "functioning alcoholic" he's getting much much worse and recently he went to the gp and got referred to a place and is going into detox after Xmas ... This has been a LONG time coming

But from what I have learnt your dp will only give up or cut down if he wants to. No amount of moaning or arguing will force this . He needs to do it for himself. Otherwise it won't happen.

It's an illness and it does get worse in many cases. 1 drink leads to more and then they need to drink.

Maybe have a chat to him and discuss your concerns . Offer to support him but keep in mind unless he chooses to ask for help , you can't do it for him.

Good Luck , it's a hard road to go down.

youcanbetonHOLD · 09/12/2019 00:11

@Ginfordinner
How do you stop enabling?
Without a fight every day?
I used to empty his beer cans and whiskey down the sink and we had very very very bad arguments daily.
He has no family. No contact with the whole lot.

Our children are old enough to know that its wring to drink but think its funny to play at it to be like daddy.
I have treid to explain that daddy isnt normal to drink so often but how do you explain to a child that his dads not normal?

I cant think of a solution.

I read a few replies to him. He asked 'do they seriously think it is worth leaving over?'

-i saw the van leaving from the lift people. I checked dont worry he isnt lying.

we live im a flat on the top floor. You can fit a bike in if you lift the front wheel slightly.

The joys of being poor im afraid.

OP posts:

PixieDustt · 09/12/2019 00:13

Has anyone dealt with an alchoholic husband/ partner before?

No husband or partner but a relative was a functioning alcoholic. Died at 49 due to alcohol. If they were here now they'd look back themselves and warn others not to do it. They have missed out on a lot. Special birthdays. Grandchildren being born. It's a very sad lonely way to go.

TheFuzzyStar · 09/12/2019 00:16

You do need to leave him. It’s not fair on the children.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2019 00:16

Yes it is seriously worth leaving over. Your kids think it's funny? That in itself is worth leaving for.

LunasOrchid · 09/12/2019 00:19

Stop getting pregnant by him for a start... Why are you having more children with an alcoholic? You can leave, it's just easier not to...

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youcanbetonHOLD · 09/12/2019 00:21

@touchofclass
If he goes to gp will he be refered to places that can help him? I think it is a hard step to take

Tried not to drip feed but he got quite a bit worse when he wemt no contact with his family. No chance of reconcilliantion though and we are all better off without.

He is a perfect partner and father in every other way. It is just the drinking. I find it hard to even notice anymore. There are always cans or bottles on the side (bin full) and i dont even notice when he has a bottle in hand anymore.
I tried to keep track before for a week about 2 years ago when he started drinking again after his break through. It was day 3 and i got to somwthing like 40 cans.

I feel like there is hope because he admitted and tried before.

He has just said he needs another hobby to keep from drinking. He said he does it out of boredom. Is this deflecting or something i need to help with and take seriously.

He works 60+ hours a week. So not much time for a hobby. Which is why i think he is said he needs a hobby. Because realistically he hasnt time for one.

OP posts:

SleepingSoul · 09/12/2019 00:23

You can't show him the light, and pouring away his drinks won't make a blind bit of difference. I have experience of this, my ex carried on choosing alcohol over family life. I tolerated it until it began to affect DD but absolutely would not allow her to see his relationship with alcohol as normal. I did what others suggested, found out what support I would be entitled to, drew a very clear line in the sand and when he jumped over it I followed through and ended a relationship of nearly 2 decades. I can't tell you how much happier my life has been since, no longer wondering when he'll crawl in, if he'll make it home safe, what awful mood he'll be in when he's hungover. You really need to think about the impact this is having on your kids especially and start working on an exit plan.

Ginfordinner · 09/12/2019 00:27

He is not a perfect partner and father because alcohol comes first.

Put your children first and get rid of him or he will drag you all down with him.

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