AIBU to want to shout 'I don't ******* care!!'?(64 Posts)
Brief back story....
My DP and DD have all had a horrendous year, we've all gone through things which most people probably wouldn't experience in their life time let alone in a year.
From the moment I'm awake to the minute everyone else goes to sleep, I am constantly spoken to 'Can I have this?' 'Are we going out today?' 'I'm hungry' you get the picture. That's just from my daughter when shes home from school and at weekends. Bedtime I'm at the end of my tether. 7pm is wind down time, no devices and nothing to exciting so we suggest reading for an hour until 8pm when it's sleep time.
10pm shes still awake up and down the stairs for God knows what reasons, her devices have been taken away but she doesn't care.
Then there's my partner. He wakes up and thinks it's ok to spoon me and puts his hand by my groin because he likes the feel of what pubes are there (sorry for TMI!!). I'm sick to the back teeth of him forever touching me, grabbing me and making sexual remarks. We have a healthy sex life. He says it's because he loves me and fancies me so much. I've told him it needs to stop because I feel like nothing but a piece of meat.
Whenever he's around he doesn't shut up talking!! I don't mind him telling me about his day and if something good or bad has happend etc... but it's the repetitive stuff that is driving me mad. I go to the bathroom, so he follows to have a bath/a wash/do his hair/do his beard. I go to the bathroom for 5 minutes peace and quiet!!!
By 6pm I'm thinking to myself I don't fucking care just leave me alone!!!
I don't get a chance to actually think or feel anything for myself until gone 10pm and I'm completely and utterly drained, miserable, angry and I just want one day where I'm not having everyone else's issues spoken at me, I want one night where my daughter actually goes to sleep at 8pm, I want to wake up without being touched, I want to go a day without sexual innuendos made or being touched. I just want to lay in bed the entire day and night on my own, eating crap and watching tv in peace.
Please tell me I'm not alone in this?
What your partner is doing is sexual abuse. You have not consented to it and have asked him to stop. This is not ok.
Everybody needs some time to their self. Assert this.
As for your daughter, how old is she? Perhaps we can help with how harsh you can be.
For a start, If you’ve asked him not to put his hand down your pants then he needs to stop. It’s not hard and no means no despite you being in a relationship. I think you need to make this really clear and be blunt about it. This would piss me off so much.
Secondly, you sound like you’re at the end of your tether, is there any chance of some respite time. An evening a week or a day would be better where he can have the kids and allow you to have some peace
I understand the constant emotional load of raising kids and feeling over talked and over touched at times. You need to have sometime for self care to allow you to be mentally able to care for everyone else.
Why isn't DH putting DD to bed at least 50% of the time?
As for the bed antics you need to tell him it isn't ok and it is a complete turn off. Do you have a spare room you could sleep in?
OP that sounds absolutely horrendous.
In fact it sounds like you are putting your MH at risk.
First off, you need to say what you mean and mean what you say, with both of them.
Your DD needs a firm talking to and mean it.
Your partner sounds frankly disgusting and I would be wondering is he really your future?
He's a disrespectful pest and needs to be told he's his behaviour is disgusting.
You needs to firm up your boundaries, because something is going to give.
Make sure it's not your MH.
At 9 if be staying for every time. You come downstairs, you go to bed 10 mins earlier the night before.
Or a complete devices ban.. For Every time you come down.. No Devices the following day
It sounds like your husband is a bit jealous of the attention your little one demands. What you are going through would drive me absolutely crazy. You have an absolute right to some time to yourself. It wouldn't be at all unreasonable to have a few hours child and husband free so you can have a bit of time to recharge your batteries. It's so important that you give yourself some priority.
I often feel the same. I work 8 til 5, pick up my daughter (only one so not nagging me yet) on the way home, get in and get her tea sorted, my husband is already home and when i get in asks me what's for tea, so i make ours too then put baby to bed. I come back down sometimes after an hour and my husband starts moaning about work and i just think - fuck off! I haven't stopped all day now i have an hour or two before i go to bed, i don't want to spend it listening to you moan. I'm exhausted. I just want some silence please!
I don't like how your husband is with you, that's not right and isn't normal. However, from my experience and my conversations with my friends, your feeling of wanting some hassle free along time is totally normal. Maybe you could get away for a night?
Do you have the finances to book yourself for a day at a hotel? Or visit a friend over night?
You know what you need , so see if there's any way in which you can get it.
You're touched out,peopled out and talked out. Fuck that.
Tell DD if she's awake that's fine,she can stay awake counting the white spots on the ceiling.
Tell your partner he's doing bedtime for the next week. Also tell him to stop touching you, it's putting you off him.
Have a wobble if you need to,sometimes is the only way they'll listen. Until then is just fun and games and aren't you "funny"?
With your daughter you need to be firmer, bedtime means just that, after stories and cuddles leave her upstairs. If she comes back down just take her back up. No talk, nothing interesting, just straight back up. Eventually she'll give in. If she doesn't she's old enough for punishments - loosing screen time or pocket money maybe. Or alternatively, a small reward for each night she is good.
For your partner - get rid. You've told him not to and he carries on? That is abusive behaviour.
I completely understand your need for peace and space.
I often have it myself although my DH isn't as touchy-feely as yours... but I know he'd like to pounce on me a lot of the time. OK, it's flattering to be wanted, but it can be irritating as well.
Add in two demanding teens and I sometimes have to disappear to walk the dog or do some chores in another room to prevent myself from yelling "bugger off"!
I'd tell your DH to stop pawing you as it's turning you off and he doesn't want that to happen. Perhaps also mention that you've been feeling stressed and would like to try some quiet/down time in the evenings to counteract it, e.g. I often say that I'd like to clean up the kitchen alone and put the radio/Netflix on... no one really wants to help wash up so they're glad to leave me! Or say you'd like to read/take a bath to relax.
Your DD is old enough to play quietly in her room if she's not ready to sleep. I'd make it clear that if she comes downstairs for non-emergencies, there'll be no devices/TV at all the next day.
Your husbands behaviour is not normal. Yuk.
I think you need to get your self a hobby - yoga or pilates or something - that involves you going out for at least one or two evenings a week and mean your dp has to do bedtime.
Then have a serious chat with your daughter. That bedtime nonsense is ridiculous and she is old enough to know better. I like the idea of bringing her bedtime earlier if she messes about and banning devices. She is ruling the roost and you need to put a stop to it.
In terms of your partner - at least a serious conversation. Afterwards, anytime he goes to spoon you ask for some space and if he goes to put his hand between your legs a swift "don;t you fucking dare" should do it.
I love my space and sometimes can't wait to get out of the house, but we have issues. Sometimes I just take myself off to the cinema with a bag of chocolate and a drink and just shut everything out for a couple of hours.
What your partner is doing, is sexual abuse. You've told him you don't want him to do it, yet he still does. He does not have consent, therefore it's SA.
And it's not fucking "flattering" as a pp said! He would be like it with any woman he's with, it's about power and control. He knows you don't like it, so he's showing you he can do what he likes.
Women need to wake up to the reality of this!
As for your DD, she's 9, so understands that she should stay in bed. You need to be firmer with her, and as a pp suggested, withold devices the next day if she keeps coming down. One thing, by 9, I had a 9pm bedtime. Could you allow her a later bedtime, perhaps say she can sit in bed and read a book until 8.30-9pm, but no coming downstairs.
Is your partner her dad? If he is, then he should also be doing bedtimes.
Lock the bathroom door when you go in there, you are entitled to privacy. If there's no lock on the door, fit one. Stop letting him come in.
If he doesn't stop these behaviours, LTB, because otherwise, you could wake up and find him inside you. That's rape.
Is your DD's behaviour linked to the trauma that she's been through do you think?
Has she had support, is there any pastoral care available at her school?
As for your Partner, I agree with everything that's been said.
You need a break from the mundane. That might help with how you interact with your daughter.
So your partner touching you frequently during the day and making sexual suggestions is a sign of control? The OP wants him to tone it down, fair enough, but surely it doesn't necessarily mean he's controlling. If they've been through a lot this year he may be needy and expressing his need for affection clumsily. Obviously it's not OK as the OP isn't enjoying it.
If my DH casually kisses or hugs me in the kitchen, the potential for sex is always there, even if it hasn't crossed my mind. There's nothing controlling about it, he views me in a sexual way.
The OP's partner is taking it too far, but I don't think it's a form of control, more some sort of emotional neediness.
@Motoko I think your comment suggesting her husband might rape her one day is disgusting. Seriously out of order.
Husbands and wives touch each other all the time. I often pinch/squeeze my husband's bum with out his consent. Does that make me a potential rapist?
OP's husband is doing something she doesn't like so he needs to stop that straight away but saying he might go on to rape her one day is such a despicable thing to say.
OP, it's clear that you need and deserve a break. I find that just ten/20 minutes to myself when my husband gets home from work is necessary. I literally just lie on my bed and ignore everything going on downstairs (which is just husband playing with baby/dogs) but it means so much to me. Could you start off just doing something like that? Or, if finances allow, get a group of friends to go shopping/lunch/pictures/activity day, just something to help you step out of the mundane before you explode. You're obviously looking after your family's needs but you have no one to look after yours.
Have you tried going to bed at 7 or 8 yourself some of the time? Tell them not to disturb you and if they repeatedly do, you could use a door wedge....
You are not alone in this.
Shout. Pound piano keys. Kick a can. Vent to us here.
Better out than in.
If your family have been through horrendous times that most of us will never encountered have you all had counselling? Alone and as a family, how is the fall out of this trauma being managed?
Ask your partner to put her to sleep every other night. A torch and book might keep her in bed. Perhaps turn off the tv when she goes to bed, and go for a walk/run. So you have some quiet time away from the house and there's nothing for her to return downstairs for.
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