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For this to be the breaking point ....

(35 Posts)
Helpordont Sat 07-Dec-19 04:36:34

TTC 4 years
3 failed rounds of IVF this year.
We are taking a break from it because I was hurtling towards thinking suicide was an option.
Yesterday my best friend told me she was pregnant. They don't have sex often and she wasn't sure if she wanted kids. Her DH was desperate for them.
Today I have a good friends baby shower. Her IVF worked when mine failed.
I'm stood in my bathroom crying in my underwear. I sobbed all morning on my DH.
I've cried lines down my fake tan.
How the fuck do I get out the door and more importantly through this ......

anxioussue Sat 07-Dec-19 04:43:10

Been there. It is shit. Let yourself cry and be angry and do what you need to do. Only you can decide if you plaster on that smile and go out. thanks

Ruraldream Sat 07-Dec-19 04:45:04

Don't go to the baby shower, op. Just say you're ill.

Areyoufree Sat 07-Dec-19 04:46:29

Don’t go. Any real friend would understand.

ChrissyHynde Sat 07-Dec-19 04:46:29

No experience but you have my sympathy. Grieve, like the loss of a loved one

Samsmam2 Sat 07-Dec-19 05:10:22


chocolatemademefat Sat 07-Dec-19 05:15:55

Be kind to yourself and stay at home. Friends will understand. I hope things improve for you.

Trooperslaneagain Sat 07-Dec-19 05:23:56

Been there.

4 miscarriages and 4 ivfs. Eventually succeeded but by the skin or our teeth.

I agree with others. Don’t go. Wrap yourself up, feel sorry for yourself and have a hot chocolate or a glass of wine in front of easy telly like a Harry Potter movie and a really big blanket.

As pp said, any good friend will understand. If you need to, send your DH with a gift but don’t put yourself through this.

Pa baby showers are made up shite anyway.

Big hugs.

CountYourRoosters Sat 07-Dec-19 05:29:09

Baby showers are so tough for so many people. Don't put yourself through it

elmosducks Sat 07-Dec-19 05:41:17

Unmumsnetty hugs for you.

Don't go. Sod the outside world. It's time for some self care. X

TotalRecall Sat 07-Dec-19 05:42:39

Don’t put yourself through a baby shower OP. You literally don’t have to.

If your friend is any sort of friend, she will understand.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 Sat 07-Dec-19 05:43:54


nobodyputsbabyinthecornor Sat 07-Dec-19 05:47:00

Be kind to yourself and don't go . A baby shower is the last place you need to be . Your friends will understand. Hoping things get better for you in the future xx

Graphista Sat 07-Dec-19 05:58:42

Another saying you don't have to go.

I didn't go to a good friends baby's christening a few weeks after 2nd mc, I'd not long been out of hospital. Friend understood completely as she'd had a few mc herself.

Friend of then dh's bitched about my not being there to dh who did attend, father of the baby being christened stepped in and told the idiot to butt out! That his wife after mc hadn't felt able to deal with baby related events in the weeks after either.

Decent people will understand, if they don't they're not real friends anyway.

Bluerussian Sat 07-Dec-19 06:04:54

Don't go to the baby shower (stupid American idea anyway). Bless you, helpordont, life's tough sometimes, isn't it? I don't know what else to say but do feel for you.


Helpordont Sat 07-Dec-19 06:17:46

I'm dressed. Granted slightly OTT for the Occassion. But I'm going. I know how hard this was for her. So I don't want to be selfish and no show. Plus it's can't be any harder than shopping for the gift minutes after BF told me she was expecting......FML

Rudolphsjinglebells Sat 07-Dec-19 06:24:44

That sounds so tough.

You don't have to put on a brave face and pretend you are ok.
It's ok that you cried all morning.
What you are feeling towards your best friend is ok, whatever feelings they may be.

If you are determined to go to the baby shower then be easy on yourself. Only stay for a short while and when you get home reward yourself with a treat for getting through the day.

spanglydangly Sat 07-Dec-19 06:25:44

I'm so sorry, you sound in great pain.

Be kind to yourself.


OneDay10 Sat 07-Dec-19 06:37:06

My heart breaks for you. Been there lost a pregnancy at 6 months this year. I'm no where near ok but one thing I'm learning is that it's ok to take care of yourself first. This also means stepping away from all things pregnancy related until you feel ok. If this means not attending the baby shower/ not being so much in contact with your newly pregnant friend then that is ok as well. People will just have to understand.

Dontdisturbmenow Sat 07-Dec-19 06:40:43

This is hell, pure hell, and I really feel for you. You have to be there to really understand the total heartache. All I can say is that whatever the outcome, it really will get better. Somehow, however unimaginable it might feel right now, you'll be ok and back to enjoying life, even if in the end, it is without a child.

Hang in there.

StayDetermined Sat 07-Dec-19 07:07:38

Been there. 8 years TTC until my first arrived, with a whole range of treatments and losses.

Get yourself some dark glasses, show your face, leave early x

Landlubber2019 Sat 07-Dec-19 07:18:15

I am so sorry, infertility is utter breaking flowers

Do what you need to do, a good friend will understand. Look after yourself first and often as a baby shower is nice but not important x

WineGummyBear Sat 07-Dec-19 07:23:21

Also been in a similar place.

Started to suffer from anxiety after recurrent miscarriage. Eventually I had to start saying no as putting on a brave face took an enormous toll for days and weeks after events such as these.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful place OP. It's unbelievably painful for you.

Do what you need to stay safe.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 07-Dec-19 07:30:37

Oh I’m so sorry. Dh and I tried and failed to conceive for around 4 years before trying ivf. I was successful on the 3rd attempt and I have a dd. I know I would have struggled very much in your place. Ivf and ttc for so long is a real mind fuck.

Have you bought a present? Maybe get your dh to take you just to drop it round before anyone arrives with a card and well wishes. Don’t stay. Just say you love her, wish her well but don’t want to make the evening about you. Then go home and have a good cry. flowers

Blankscreen Sat 07-Dec-19 07:32:28

If you are determined to go go for a short while and get out quick. Your friend will understand.

You might also need to allign yourself with other friends for a while who aren't pregnant having babies etc.
That's not being mean it's looking after yourself. You could write your two pregnant friends a card and explain that you love them but you need to step back. Don't completely drop but you need to look after yourself first and foremost.

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