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Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

(338 Posts)
Tactful10 Fri 06-Dec-19 21:50:42

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

thistimelastweek Fri 06-Dec-19 21:58:32

Where are they now and where will they go if not to you? X

Rosieposy4 Fri 06-Dec-19 21:58:50

No you can’t, plus you will regret it later. Prep your kids carefully, tell them your parents are unwell, describe the noises they might make, allow your dc to take time out from the room, but please be kind to your elderly and clearly unwell parents ( unless massive untold backstory of unkindness to you in earlier times ).

hollyberried Fri 06-Dec-19 21:59:25

You could, but maybe you could use the opportunity to learn some compassion.

thistimelastweek Fri 06-Dec-19 22:00:05

Sorry about the kiss, forgot myself

Busybeebeebee Fri 06-Dec-19 22:00:35

I say this as someone who works in elderly care sector, if they have dementia they likely won’t remember the specifics of the plan anyway. So compromise and maybe have them over another time but don’t feel bad for changing the plan for Christmas Day.

Pancakeflipper Fri 06-Dec-19 22:01:21

How long at they your home? Is it days or just on the day for a meal?
I think if logistics allowed I'd have them for the meal in the day and returned home in the evening so I could relax - - decant the wine bottle into my mouth--

Muchtoomuchtodo Fri 06-Dec-19 22:01:59

How far away do they live? How often do your dc see them?

Surely your dc are aware that their grandparents are unwell and that exceptions need to be made and understanding shown?

Can they just join you for Christmas dinner so that they see their family but aren’t with you for the full day.

rumandbiscuits Fri 06-Dec-19 22:02:55

Will they know it's Christmas Day? If they won't then I'd say it's fine to cancel. If they do know it's Christmas Day what would they do instead?

ineedaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-19 22:02:59

Would they cope coming to yours? Is it possible to visit them earlier in the day?

PurpleDaisies Fri 06-Dec-19 22:04:31

Sometimes changes of routine and place are hard for people with dementia. Are they in a home now?

Singlenotsingle Fri 06-Dec-19 22:05:37

No point ruining everyone's Christmas, when the dp won't enjoy it and probably won't even remember afterwards. Try to make sure they're fed - do Meals on Wheels go out on Christmas Day?

IdiotInDisguise Fri 06-Dec-19 22:05:42

Where are they now is the question. When it came to very elderly relatives, mine moaned more for not being at their usual place than anything else.

With time we realised they were happier with us visiting them for a short time rather than hauling them away from their routines and familiar environment.

Another aspect to consider is that dementia doesn’t make it easier on the date, with many of them feeling worse and more unsettled in the afternoon/evening.

Hohofortherobbers Fri 06-Dec-19 22:06:46

Oh my. And it's tidings of comfort and joy.... Pull yourself together, it's your parents, you'll be there one day, hope your kids have been brought up with an ounce more empathy

DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRomain Fri 06-Dec-19 22:08:56

Jesus Christ this post is horrible. Where is tour empathy OP?

OctoberLovers Fri 06-Dec-19 22:09:04

And who normally looks after them?

Tactful10 Fri 06-Dec-19 22:10:08

They're due to stay for 9 days.

We are driving them to and from home, where they still live and have recently refused carers for the 100th time.

DF is an alcoholic so evenings are eventful anyway.

Purpleartichoke Fri 06-Dec-19 22:10:40

Telling them not to come? The people you describe wouldn’t be capable of getting to your home on their own? So are they really as far gone as you say?

PurpleDaisies Fri 06-Dec-19 22:10:56

They usually live independently?

SomeoneBurntTheToastAgain Fri 06-Dec-19 22:13:55

Is this for real? What a nasty post. You can't look after your elderly parents and let them sit at the same table as you for one freaking day?

Your kids are 18, 16 and 10... and you're frightened that they'll get upset? At those ages? Were they raised wrapped up in cotton wool? Or do they have severe learning disabilities?

Maybe your kids will treat you the same way one day, who knows?

IdiotInDisguise Fri 06-Dec-19 22:15:01

Have you asked them, recently, if they want to come? You can just say something as simple as, would you like to come for 4 days or would you prefer us to visit you over the weekend?

9 days is too much, for them and you, even if the didn’t have dementia.

OctoberLovers Fri 06-Dec-19 22:16:12

They have refused care...

Clearly they are unable to make that decision themselves and someone has to intervene

PrimalLass Fri 06-Dec-19 22:16:13

9 days is a long time. Can you shorten it?

OctoberLovers Fri 06-Dec-19 22:16:57

This is really not on.

Both nobility problems and both dementia

They need help and care now

justasking111 Fri 06-Dec-19 22:17:13

I would make arrangements to visit them organise a meal at their house and enjoy it. Being away from home may well be distressing for them. I suspect this may be their last christmas at home.

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