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Should I feel upset by DP going to dinner I was specifically not invited to

(202 Posts)
mygenericusername Fri 06-Dec-19 16:09:40

I need some impartial advise and tough love from strangers as I don't know if I'm now over reacting. Its in law related and long but the basics are...

I've been with DP for 16 years. No wedding or kids (step kids). Not my choice but I'm nearly 40 and am over it now.

DP is Ex army and suffers from PTSD, anxiety and depression. We've had a tough time which has involved some violence and lots of bruises and broken furniture but I'm stuck it out as I know the good side of him is good. I left briefly last year but we worked it out when he go help and I came back. We generally have a lovely life.

I've had a tempestuous relationship with my Ils over the years. My MIL is lovely but lives 4 hours away and is not favoured by DP. Often left aside for his dad. My FIL and his wife were more complicated. I had a lot of time for my step MIL and we tried to rub along the best we could although very different people. I'm very quiet (most of the time) and that reserved personality can sometimes portray itself as cold and standoffish. We've had our fair share of rows and admittedly I can be quite hurtful when it all starts to boil over. While I was trying to get DP help, FIL never saw that there was anything wrong with his son and chose to blame me (even though it had been the cause of the breakdown in DP previous marriage to the point where one of his children no longer has contact as she is severely scarred by what she witnessed as a child). If he'd helped, DP would have got the care he needed year ago rather than when I left him and he knew I wasn't going back unless he changed.

I work in the business that DP and myself set up but I'm also involved in and manage a social building voluntarily, think community hall. This building has a bar and we hold regular music nights. With this comes bar staff. Its a very clicky village and as such I employee staff that don't really have any association to the people that use the facility. 18 months ago, my step MIL had a stroke. She was a big personality and the change was so devastating. Obviously FIL was lost and we all tried to do our best to look after him. He spent a lot of time in the community hall speaking to one of my bar staff (we'll call her Susie) that was having a difficult time. I thought it was very innocent and platonic. Lots of gossiping and whispering about their relationship started to happen in around spring and I nipped in the bud as after all why would my devoted FIL be chasing after a 70 year old man and like wise why would my bar staff not tell me what was happening as she clearly wouldn't be interested in somebody 40 years her senior. It didn't go away though and progressively got worse to the point where even I felt uncomfortable.

In July of this year, my step MIL was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She never really got over her stroke but we still couldn't believe we were going to lose her. She came home to die but FIL never seemed to be home. In late August my step SIL moved here from London to take care of her mum in the last few weeks. People were twittering at her constantly about his relationship with Susie and so rightly or wrongly she looked at his phone. There were hundreds of messages to suzie declaring his love and in some respect she had engaged in the conversation when it was to her advantage. I obviously have a duty of care to this girl so I asked her what had been happening. Suzie states that she felt sorry for him, he was lonely and that we all had so much going on that she didn't want to bother us. She was trying to nip it in the bud herself. I felt disgusted with my FIL but Suzie also dropped in to conversation (for whatever reason ) how much my FIL dislikes me, thinks I'm the cause of all of his sons MH problems etc, etc. Its been difficult and I probably said some things that I shouldn't have (about dirty old men) to him in the heat of the moment.

On the Sunday prior to MIL funeral, FIL came to see me and stated that he was having chips in the community centre after the wake at a more up market hotel for those that wanted to carry on drinking. I apologised and said that I was really sorry but there was nothing I could do as the hall was already booked for a private function but they were welcome to come and drink in the bar if there weren't a lot of them. I thought this had been understood but on the following Tuesday, one of our bar staff came in and mentioned that FIL was at the bar advising him that he would be there after the funeral with 30 people and chips for his guests. Again, I said we couldn't do it and our chairman who I was talking to at the time agreed. FIL stormed out of the building specifying that I would be getting a serious letter of complaint (never materialised). The next morning FIL turned up at my place of work complaining to DP about me. DP said that there was nothing I could do and with that FIL stormed off (he'd come to my work place specifically to cause a row between me and DP). I tried to go and speak to him but he said he'd let the girls (step SILs) deal with me and that I was putting other people before family.

Everything was put aside for the funeral and I've tried to get along with FIL the best I can. Its been difficult. He's said some appalling things about me, lied, twisted things I've said and I was physically assaulted (punched in the head and hands around my throat) by FILs sister because she thinks I'm ruining his life. FIL was present at the time and said and did nothing while the attack was happening. Additionally despite the fact that he had been speaking to his sister in the seconds before she attacked me, he states he said nothing to provoke the attack.Its been difficult. He's obviously bad mouthing me to anybody that will listen but if I say anything to DP, he just will not have that this is the case. I do understand that he is stuck in the middle and its difficult for him but in the same sentence I expect him to know the difference between right and wrong.

FIL sometimes comes to our workplace to help out for a few hours during the day. Its awkward and although conversation is strained, nothing is mentioned about what has happened and I try not to show my current feelings towards him even though I feel completely betrayed by somebody that was supposed to be my family.

It is step MILs birthday on Saturday. There is a meal in one of the lcoal pubs to celebrate her life. DP was asked if he was going. As its a family thing, and although I still have many unresolved issues with FIL I said I would go for DP to try and bridge over the bad feeling.

Step SIL is organising said event and when DP advised to book for both of us, he got the message back stating that actually I wasn't invited because of everything I had done to FIL. I have no idea what he's been telling them as they haven't bothered to make any contact since MILs funeral. Obviously, DP rightly said that he would therefore not be going either. Two days later he was told that they wanted him there so to bring me. I obviously stated no. I'm not going to go to something that I've been invited to under duress. Now here is my AIBU and where I think I may be losing the plot a bit. I have blocked all contact with this side of DPs family over the last few weeks I just don't want the drama. I've had years of this kind of crap and have always made amends for the sake of DP. DP now states I'm the one being difficult because I won't engage in conversation with them or go to the meal. Am I? Am I not justified for saying no, feeling hurt, angry etc and more importantly not expect partner to go. I feel like he is still going to something I'm not invited to and I would never do that to him. I would have actually told my parents to go fuck themselves long before now if this was the other way around, not that it ever would be.

Step SILs have apparently been trying to speak to me but can't.I just feel like I'm at the end of what I can take, I've actually done nothing wrong and I don't want to listen to their sanctimonious bullshit about how FIL was having a tough time and he doesn't mean anything hes said.Well clearly he does, they do, because it was only a few days ago you didn't want me at your event.

I hope that all makes sense. Theres lots more detail but I feel like I've bored you enough. AIBU expecting him to stay at home with me or should I not get involved with whether he goes or not? I'll be honest and feel that it may would be the end of the road for our relationship.

Winterdaysarehere Fri 06-Dec-19 16:16:51

Far far too much drama. Personally I would have reported them for assault.
Your dh ain't much of a man is he?
I would have no respect for him if he attended the meal. Mil won't know will she? Toast her at home if he feels the need to.

Fil is a monster isn't he?.

onanothertrain Fri 06-Dec-19 16:18:17

This is an absolute mess and it sounds like you are all loving the drama.
I think if I were you I'd be more worried about the violence, bruises and broken furniture that you seem to have glossed over.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Fri 06-Dec-19 16:21:27

I don’t think I can see too many positives about your FIL or his son, the whole family sound aggressive and dysfunctional.

mygenericusername Fri 06-Dec-19 16:22:10

I'm not loving the drama onan Im trying to move away from it. The violence has ended and is a thing of the past. I've helped DP get over that part of his life. He tries every day to keep his temper under control. He knows that what happened is not ok, makes no excuses for it and we talk about it frequently.

Lex234 Fri 06-Dec-19 16:22:34

If DP wants to go and you do not want to go, it seems to me that the answer is simple. I would not take kindly to being effectively banned from going out my family, even if it is a train wreck. Would I insist my DH comes? No, of course not. Would he try and stop me from going? Nope. Would I be pissed off if my family said DH wasn't welcome? Absolutely. I almost certainly wouldn't go. But he has to make that call and if you force this issue now and cause him to burn bridges, I think he will resent you for it later. Leave him to decide whether to go or not. His relationship with them is entirely separate to his relationship with you. How far you hold him to account for his fanily's actions is up to you. To be fair he did refuse to go when you were not invited.

MrsTWH Fri 06-Dec-19 16:24:13

This all sounds dreadful and I don’t really understand why you’ve spent so many years accepting all this terrible behaviour towards you.

If it was me, I’d be walking away from them all. Including the “D”P.

Lex234 Fri 06-Dec-19 16:24:43

And also as pps said, "trying" to keep his temper under control isn't really good enough, is it?

mygenericusername Fri 06-Dec-19 16:25:22

I did report the assault winter. I was given 3 options and chose the one that resolved the matter the quickest i.e. a very stern bollocking from a police officer so it was dealt with instantly rather than a long drawn out process of statements.

mygenericusername Fri 06-Dec-19 16:28:13

Honetly Lex234 thats what I'm trying to decide. How much do I hold him accountable. Do I forgive him if he goes. He's so black and white. As far as he's concerned I am now invited, even though I'm really not and I'm being difficult by not going.

phoenixrosehere Fri 06-Dec-19 16:29:28

I couldn’t be in a room with someone who physically assaulted me and with someone who stood there and watch and has done other horrible things to me. I also wouldn’t remain with someone who would expect me to be there knowing these things (even if they are related).

YABU to remain with your dp and continue to deal with this drama-filled family who obviously give zero f**ks about you unless it suits them.

Lex234 Fri 06-Dec-19 16:30:08

Just don't go. Go out with your friends or family and let him decide what he is doing.

zonkin Fri 06-Dec-19 16:33:17

As others have said, I'd dump the whole lot of them, including your DP.

Hanab Fri 06-Dec-19 16:34:21

I would let them all go 🤷🏻‍♀️ What dis DP do when you were assaulted? If nothing .. run as far and as fast as you can! You deserve more!

DeeZastris Fri 06-Dec-19 16:35:48

You can do better in life. The violence is unacceptable and it will come back but much worse.

BaolFan Fri 06-Dec-19 16:36:31

Your DP won't marry you or have kids with you.

He's been violent to you.

His family are difficult and violent.

Why on earth are you with this man, and more to the point wasting whatever remains of your fertile years with him?

ohprettybaby Fri 06-Dec-19 16:38:16

I think YABU to expect your DP not to go to the meal as it is effectively a service for his stepmum. I suppose it irks though as it means your step SILs have got want they wanted.

This isn't the time to demand he doesn't go although I can see why you want him to show solidarity. I'd probably be mad as hell too but it isn't a good idea to stop him. It'll just give the others something more to say about you.

diddl Fri 06-Dec-19 16:39:05

Can't understand why you don't bin the lot of them.

"No wedding or kids (step kids). Not my choice but I'm nearly 40 and am over it now."

What does that mean?

richteasandcheese Fri 06-Dec-19 16:39:16

You sort of lost me when you said he was violent towards you, and so badly violent to his ex that his child is mentally damaged - your issue isnt the family, it's him. He is NOT a good man

dworky Fri 06-Dec-19 16:40:42

Ignore the victim blamers, this is an abusive man and you need to get away from him.

StrayWoman Fri 06-Dec-19 16:41:48

Do you mean your DP was violent to you on multiple occasions?

Schoolchoicesucks Fri 06-Dec-19 16:42:48

Let him go to the meal without you.
I'd be NC with the family. And consider including "D"H in that too.

What are their redeeming features?

mygenericusername Fri 06-Dec-19 16:44:04

I would let them all go 🤷🏻‍♀️ What dis DP do when you were assaulted? If nothing .. run as far and as fast as you can! You deserve more!

Nothing. He actually wan't there. I was running the bar and DP was at home. When I got home, I woke him to tell him what had happened. I basically got told to go to sleep and leave him alone. I just wanted a hug from the person thats supposed to love me and it didn't happen. I didn't expect him to go shouting at his aunt. I dealt with it properly but the hug and some reassurance would have been great.

turkeyontheplate Fri 06-Dec-19 16:46:31

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but what the hell are you doing with him?! You sound articulate, reasonable and decent. He and his family sound like utter pond life confused

For the love of God, woman, make this an extra special Christmas by getting rid of these awful people and their violent, dysfunctional bullshit, once and for all.

1forAll74 Fri 06-Dec-19 16:48:46

I would just agree to your partner going to this dinner, because all your thoughts and feelings about what has been happening, are going to ruin any kind of social event that you attend now.

I would step away from your partners family also,unless anything can be repaired in the future.

I can't say anything about your relationship with your partner, only you can decide what to do from here.

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