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I am being precious re possessions

(241 Posts)
Redbauble Fri 06-Dec-19 14:59:55

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

Arrivederci Fri 06-Dec-19 15:02:22

That would piss me off too, OP.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 06-Dec-19 15:06:16

I wouldn't be impressed at all and I also couldn't be married to such a disrespectful, grubby man.

Noti23 Fri 06-Dec-19 15:06:23

Stupid man. Dp does things like this and it really irks me. They don’t understand. Of course you can use the newer things to do the same job but why use it when there are used/scruffy things too.

mauvaisereputation Fri 06-Dec-19 15:07:48

I think YABU about a cleaning set being used for cleaning tbh. By definition cleaning stuff is going to get used up. Travel mug, yanbu. I think a lot also depends on whether he is kind in general and contributes a lot to the household. If so these things would bother me less, but I think it's more serious if they're part of a pattern of disrespect.

thecatsthecats Fri 06-Dec-19 15:08:04

He's being ridiculously callous.

It's not about who's right or wrong in their approach - we all have little quirks of habit, and when we love someone, we give each other leeway to indulge them, as long as they aren't harmful.

He sounds frankly pretty stupid above anything else.

LittleLongDog Fri 06-Dec-19 15:08:09

That’s so disrespectful! And especially infuriating that he doesn’t even see what he’s done! What a dick.

Vulpine Fri 06-Dec-19 15:08:51

Im on your dhs side. I can't get too worked up about posessions

Vulpine Fri 06-Dec-19 15:09:43

Possessions even

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Fri 06-Dec-19 15:09:45

YANBU my ex husband used to ruin my things all the time. Never his own stuff, just mine. It's deliberate sad

7yo7yo Fri 06-Dec-19 15:10:05

He doesn’t want you to have anything nice. He actually resents you having something you like and enjoy. No matter how little it is. Petty little cunt.

Dyrne Fri 06-Dec-19 15:10:24

I think you’re being ridiculous getting annoyed that he has used cleaning stuff for, well, cleaning.

Travel mug YABU not wanting him to use it; but if it’s not dishwasher safe YANBU to be annoyed at him wrecking it.

AngusThermopyle Fri 06-Dec-19 15:10:49

I'd be well pissed off if DH disregarded stuff like this especially If I'd asked him specifically not to do something. He's not a dick though, unfortunately your dh is being one atm.

PurpleDaisies Fri 06-Dec-19 15:12:14

I agree with the mug. Using a cleaning set for cleaning seems pretty sensible.

TheRightHonerable Fri 06-Dec-19 15:14:09

I’d be irritated over a special item or two but not over everything if that makes sense?

DH has several technology items that we share (they’re mainly his though) and I’m generally very careful with. We treated me to a long over due new laptop this summer and I loved it!! I write in my spare time and spend a lot of time on it.

Within a week of getting it DH needed to use it for work- no problem. He got the keyboard all grotty eating whilst typing and dropped it (admittedly just from the armchair) balancing it precariously on one knee.

I got quite angry and we had a heated chat about respect for items we each care about.

Winterdaysarehere Fri 06-Dec-19 15:15:10

Having such little respect for your stuff is showing his true self op.. He is a twat.
My exh was like this.
Used my stuff with zero regard for it - he had no regard for my feelings.
Exh....
Betting the shit would hit if you destroyed something of his...

Butchyrestingface Fri 06-Dec-19 15:15:39

YANBU, OP. Why, out of all the mugs you both own, did he specifically want the one your mother gave you as a present? and then ruin it

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles Fri 06-Dec-19 15:15:38

He is thoughtless and disrespectful. (Those saying cleaning things are for cleaning, yes, but not for cleaning tools!)

If something is precious to you (it doesn't matter if it isn't to him!) he should respect that. It's just kindness, isn't it?

For example, I have a lovely special glass teapot (DH thinks using a teapot anyway is bizarre as he is a teabag in any old mug man) and he accidentally broke up. He went online and found a new one for me. He thinks teapots are pointless wastes of time, but he knows they're important to me.

It's just respecting each other's preferences and opinions.

MikeUniformMike Fri 06-Dec-19 15:17:31

Borrow his tools and treat them as you wish. Maybe you could use his favourte penknife to prise open a paint tin or something.
If there is a choice of things to use, choose the newest, shiniest one. Only put it back where you found it if it is worse for wear.

Batqueen Fri 06-Dec-19 15:18:34

YANBU as a child I had to share with my sister who would take my stuff, ruin it and then didn’t have to replace it. I still really resent it now, if it was any other child she would have had to pay to replace it but because I’m her sister it’s ok? Nope. It’s disrespectful

Chattybum Fri 06-Dec-19 15:18:37

My mum is very keen on 'special' possessions and my dad likes to care for and maintain things too. I think it has rubbed off on me. My partner on the other hand didn't really do 'nice' things and would treat everything poorly. Over time I have tried to demonstrate the 'buy cheap buy twice' issue. Since having nicer, more expensive things I have noticed a major improvement in not only how he treats his stuff, but also mine. I was very clear to my partner to make sure if he was going to accidentally break something of mine, make sure he can afford to replace it! Get your partner to replace your mug with the same or better. Once he's out of pocket you will probably find he becomes more careful. Get him to replace your sponge too!

Tooner Fri 06-Dec-19 15:21:21

That would really annoy me. He has no respect for your nice stuff that mean a lot to you especially the mug from your Mam. I've got no advice because he seems like a selfish pig headed bloke who will take no notice of whatever you say to him.

Batqueen Fri 06-Dec-19 15:21:33

I do disagree with people saying it’s on purpose though. My sister never did it on purpose, she’s not a bad person just careless and was given no incentive to try harder to take care of my stuff or not borrow it if she couldn’t.

nettie434 Fri 06-Dec-19 15:21:33

I’d be upset about the mug. It was a present for you. Unless your DH is a jeweller or something like that, I’m assuming his tools get dirty and he ought to use an cut up old t shirt etc. I probably wouldn’t like the fancy cleaning kit being ruined either.

myself2020 Fri 06-Dec-19 15:21:47

I wouldn’t get upset over a travel mug being used as s travel mug, or a sponge to clean stuff. if he would have used your silk scarf - yes. but having a “pretty” cleaning sponge is a bit weird. and quite controlling

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