AIBU to let this friendship go for good ?(150 Posts)
I posted this a while ago. It's a long one. But here it goes.
My late uncle died, out of the blue, nearly two years ago. My family held a funeral service for him. I only invited two of my childhood friends to come to the service. We had been friends for many years etc.
A day before the funeral service, one of my friends said she couldn't come as she was the main organiser for one of her friends baby shower. Ok. The other friend, on the day of the funeral was basically harassing me, she was complaining that I told her to wear a coloured outfit and everyone at the funeral was wearing black and it was embarrassing, she was annoyed that I wasn't answering her messages and that I was taking long to be at the venue as she didn't want to go into the service alone (as she didnt really know anyone one) I snapped at her on the day, basically telling her to get over it.
By the time I came to the funeral, the friend that was worried about her outfit and going into the service all alone, didn't turn up. I received no messages that she was not going to come. Later on, I realised that she was waited for my outside the venue of the funeral but left because I took a while to come (I was running errands for the funeral ffs!). None of my two close friends (I only invited the two of them) were at the funeral and my God I was distraught.
After the funeral, I contacted them saying that I was disappointed that neither of them showed up to the funeral and that one prioritised a baby shower rather than be there for the funeral. My friend, who did turn up at the venue, said she was waiting for me outside but I was taking long to arrive. Anyway, I was so hurt and I knew I was going to say some thing I would regret so I blocked them from calling me, for about two weeks. I know this was wrong of me to do.
I then thought, you know what, even though they weren't there, they are still my friends, it's silly for me to be upset with them. I called one of the friends up and apologised and said it was out of character for me and I was grieving but disappointed that none of you were there but I shouldn't have snapped and blocked your calls. The friend then said that she understood "but we decided not to be friends with you anymore" (basically). I was distraught. Their defence was that they didn't like the way I blocked them. I told them that I was grieving, I was upset. But she still wouldn't have it.
They weren't seeing my pint of reasoning for the way I acted. I put a post on Mumsnet and showed one of the girls what the comments said- as the majority of Mumsnetters agreed with my point of view. The friends were infuriated that I posted something about them online. After that a few harsh words were said and that was done.
During that period, not only was I grieving for my uncle (great guy ) but I was grieving for the loss of a friendship. I was on my own. It was a hard 7 months. My other friends and family members were the ones who dragged me out of the house to get out. Anyway, 8 months past- I was sad but I was getting on. Then, all of a sudden I received a text from the friend who left- wishing me a happy Christmas... new year. It was very civil.
A year and a bit has passed and recently that friend has contacted me. She told me that they are both sorry for what they did and if the friendship will ever be the same again. I said "I'm sorry, I can't. I've moved on and you both needed to accept your word and move on too". She has been texting me non stop and I'm done 😫. I told her that my fear is that the pair of them would do the same thing again. I old her that it wasn't fair that they broke up a friendship with me and expect things to go back to the way they are.
I don't know. Am I being too harsh ? AIBU ?
I think I remember this thread.
Only you can decide whether their friendship is worth it to let bygones be bygones
I think it was unusual that you expected them to be at the funeral with you (unless you have no other family) as it should be a family event? And also why did you tell your friend not to wear black if everyone else was? It sounds as though you may all be partially to blame and that if you don't want them in your life any more that's up to you. But if you would like to heal things then you need to get over it.
honey Tradition. We told everyone to wear bright clothes, we too wore bright clothes. But the majority of the people didn't. I didn't know this till we arrived.
No- I shouldn't expect them to be there. But I just wanted some friendly support. I keep calling it a funeral- it was not really to be honest. He was buried abroad, not our choice, and we obviously could not hold a burial service in England. What we did was more like a memorial- not a funeral- but sort of in a way.
I can’t give you an answer alas on the friendship
I would only say that in many years I have never been to a funeral where anyone (to my knowledge) took any friends along (unless they knew the deceased)
I couldn’t envisage any situation where I would ever be asking a friend to accompany me to a funeral
Just back from a funeral today (had to leave the after-service reception at the door, just felt unable to battle the crowd and there was no-one that I knew - so I can empathise with your friend who also left after waiting for you)
Some of my friends didn't come to my mums funeral, so I cant imagine any turning up for an uncles remembrance.
You do sound hard work though OP.
I wouldn't have expected friends to come to a family funeral, especially extended family, so I am struggling to relate to that, but I imagine you know how you feel about them as people, so what does your gut tell you? Do you want to be friends with them?
I dunno OP it all sounds very strange. If you think you’ve moved on just ignore, if you want them back then speak to them but only do that if you are truly over it. It’s no good saying you want to be friends again and constantly dredging up the past. Same for them.
synchro I was running errands for the memorial. My family were utterly useless... I was running around, trying to sort out everything. It was a disaster. My friend was calling and messaging me non stop. I told her that she could of gone into reception if she was uncomfortable going in alone. But she was not obliged to wait outside the venue. I only knew she was waiting for me whilst I was running errands...
I remember this thread. One was bonkers for waiting outside. The other had every right to prioritise the babyshower, and you being pissed at her was you being bonkers.
Why are you even bringing all this up again? Just block her and move on fgs.
Back I'm not saying I want to be friends with them. They are.
Anyway, I realised that I should not have expected them there and that was why I apologised to them but they decided to cut off the friendship because I blocked them etc.
Sorry for your loss, but I don’t think your expectations were reasonable.
Andy she didn't tell me about the baby shower a day before the memorial. She said she was going to come... then a day before she said she couldn't as she had a friends baby shower. It seemed out of the blue.
I'm not bringing it up . They are. The friend contacted me two days ago etc.
inc They knew him very well.
*she only told me about the baby shower a day before- it should say.
I think I'm going to get this love to RELATIONSHIPS. AIBU is odd at this time of night.
In the nicest possible way, you did get very carried away at the time. I actually applaud your friends for reaching out to make amends, but you don't seem to have learned from the incident that you were also definitely at fault and they might also expect/deserve an apology.
I would say that if you are over it and want to move on then you would have ignored the message, blocked them, and forgot about it. You clearly aren’t over it because you felt the need to post here( but that might be the lingering sense of hurt and injustice). The question is whether you can really forgive and move on enough for you all to have a meaningful relationship - again the fact that you still need (understandably) to reiterate all the ways they were inconsiderate and hurtful shows you’re really not in that space.
To try and reforge a relationship with such a sense of hurt and bitterness rotting away the foundations seems futile. I would walk away. Some things can’t be fixed.
Other posters have commented on whether you or the friends were in the wrong but it’s a bit redundant. The question is that regardless of who did what, can you move on to have a successful friendship? This post suggests not.
Sandra At least some of your friends were there. The only two I invited were not. I think everyone is different. I would definitely attend a very good friends's relatives funeral or a memorial service if I was invited. I attended one of those friends memorial services that they held for a dead relative.
@Namechange14000 I’m with you tbh.. I think grief does terrible things to people. They had a choice, if they didn’t want to go to the memorial, they could just say no!
They were obviously hurt by you blocking them and I don’t think you could reasonably expect to have a friendship after blocking them for 2 weeks, but I do understand why you’d try. They have left it far too long now to get back in touch and it’s callous imo to do so. Chin up op and just carry on without them.
Some people don't like funerals. It's not a 3 line whip. It'd be nice if people could support each other when they needed it but it doesn't always work out like that. If you can, let it go. You overreacted, then they did. You don't need to be bosom buds but I suspect you don't need the aggro either if you bump into them in the street or whatnot. Be nicer just to turn them into acquaintances.
Thank you Stuck. Your comment has been the only one that is helpful.
I'm hurting- not because they didn't attend the memorial. I was hurt but I realised that I was silly. I'm hurt by the fact that when I tried to make amends they decided they didn't want a friendship anymore. This was a few weeks after we held the memorial. I was grieving for my uncle whilst grieving for a friendship. It may seem silly to most of you all. But I was hurt.
Hangin Thank you ! I know I should not have blocked them but I was so hurt that I thought it was best to do that before I said something I really regret ! I was grieving too, I know that is not an excuse
I've been to friends' parents' funerals. But would not go to funeral or memorial of an uncle. I think you were a bit demanding.
Life is short, can you not accept the olive branch? Friends are important. No-one is perfect, we all make mistakes, they have said sorry and are trying to make amends. It would be nice to meet them half way.
I dont know OP
Friends are hard to come by. Do you still miss them? Were they good friends otherwise? If they were good friends generally and the argument was out of character, and the apology is sincere, then why not be friends with them if you want to? You dont have to be as close as before. You can still have people in your life that you enjoy catching up with, having a night out or something but wouldnt necessarily depend on them when times are tough. I have a number of friends I'd have coffee with but very few I'd call in the middle of the night if I was upset. And I think that's ok. If you're more all or nothing that's fine, Im just saying it doesnt have to be like that. You can always meet for a clear the air coffee or something and then decide from there how much contact you want with them.
In the nicest possible way, you have been unreasonable to your friends. You have many people here on MN telling you that attending the funeral of a friend's relative isn't really the done thing in their circle. The fact that you blocked them was really not on and childish.
I do think you may have been misplacing your grief about the loss on your friends. It happens.
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