I need advice as I'm upset over a friend.(11 Posts)
My friend was great 4 years ago, we holidayed together, she was very good to me. She wanted me to be the god mother of her son but her husband had asked his business friend instead, so I never became one. Even so, I viewed her as a best friend. She stopped contacting me so often about 3 years ago which hurt me a great deal. I sent her children christmas presents but she did not acknowledge them until months later, in passing. She is very busy with a business, an important husband, many homes etc. I was busy with my children. Last year she came to see me after the birth of my baby bearing lovely gifts. She hadn't told me about her miscarriage until months later. After, it was always me who rings her which made me fed up so I didn't call her for months. Then I did ring and she said she was pregnant and couldn't see me as v. busy etc. Now another friend has just left a message to say my friend had had her baby. Why couldn't she tell me herself? I'm so upset about this I don't want to see her any more nor the baby to protect myself from more hurt. What should I do?
If you don't want to see her then don't. It sounds as though she's not that bothered, on the other hand it could be that she is rushed off her feet and genuinely doesn't have time to make the effort at present, she certainly sounds very busy. True friendship is not needing to make excuses IMO.
Why don't you just send her a card and let her know that you're there, enclose a phone number and a message along the lines of - if you have any spare time during your mat leave then it would be lovely to meet up?
Thank you so much for responding, I'm new to mumsnet. What does IMO mean? I'm sure I'll kick myself when I know. My friend is very dear to me. I did hear from her a while back at my insistence when I asked her if I had done something wrong, she was genuinely surprised and I felt silly for asking. She said she was finding it had to keep her head above water what with a child with special needs, her business, homes etc, and pregnant!Actually writing this down I can see for myself that the last thing she needs is a needy friend feeling sorry for herself. I suppose she just is too busy to be a true friend right now. I know by not contacting her will punish me more than her, but perversely may be that's what I need to do and hope she'll feel a bit sad not to hear from me!
I agree with the others. Just send a nice card and a note letting her know you'e there if she needs you. IMO = In my opinion. Have a look at the acronym list at the top of the page, that'll help a bit!
I think you both have very different expectations of this friendship.
If you can accept that she is very busy with other things, and will only contact you occasionally, then fine.
If you are upset by this, then it may be time to let the friendship go.
I have many persons in my life that I consider TRUE friends, none of those friendshipe require regular mainteinance, we are there for each other when we need support, in special occasions and when we feel like it. No periodicity needed to keep this friendships alive. We all understand that being grown ups we can not expect the others to be there all the time. But when we met is as if time had not passed.
I agree with Isababel. My best friend lives about 50 mins from me and the last time I saw her was probably 2 years ago and the last time I spoke to her was over 6 months ago. When we want to speak, we txt and arrange a whole evening time slot! We understand that life gets in the way sometimes and its not always possible to see each other as much as we like, but we are nevertheless still best friends,
Gosh I have received some excellent feedback. I don't feel so alone any more. I don't have too many 'best' friends as I feel they have to be pretty special to be that. She was certainly one, she actually gave me a large sum of money with an understanding that I must never repay her and never talk about it again. But to be honest I'd rather have our friendship back as it was than the money. I actually don't have a bean in my own name and but I thought if I could repay her, even a small bit from child benefits I might get her close again. But I know that's unrealistic, her wealth far exceeds most peoples and anyway it was never an issue for her. May be her circle has shifted so far from mine, what with private schools etc that I'm not part of her world any more when we were in a baby group. May be I can't really let go because of what I feel I'll always owe her.
Don't let wealth get in the way. My bf from college is extremely wealthy but we don;t let it interefere. whenever we go out she always pays - I offered to in the past but as she pointed out something that she wouldn't even notice would make a big dent in my finances. She's probably just very busy. The others are right- the beauty of good friendhsips is that you can drop and pick them up and it doesn;t change.
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