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Missing out on my family Christmas again

(216 Posts)
ChristmasbloodyChristmas Mon 25-Nov-19 15:40:57

I've name changed as this could be quite outing. This is first married Christmas with DH, obviously not our first Christmas, we've been together for six years. We live in The Midlands and the whole of my family live in Scotland, about seven hours drive. DH has two adult children (18 and 20) and I don't have children. Every year I've visited my family either between Christmas and New Year or in January as I understand how important it is for a father to see his children at Christmas. As we're around for Christmas we do see the rest of his family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, making the whole of Christmas a DH family event, while I don't get to see my family until after the event. I'll be honest, its not ideal but it's one of the perks of being a childfree stepmum. This year, his children have their own plans, girlfriends/friends but we still can't change the plans, we still have to be around for all of his family events, while I don't get to see my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews until after all the lovely Christmas feeling is over.

AIBU? Please please don't say I chose this life when I met him. Six years ago when I met him I wouldn't have expected to have to give up seeing my own family at Christmas forever. It simply wasn't the choice I made.

Sofast Mon 25-Nov-19 15:42:12

Just go up on your own?

Winterdaysarehere Mon 25-Nov-19 15:43:17

Personally I would invite him to spend it with you family. If he says no you should go anyway.
You don't have to always dance to his tune you know...

Bananacloud Mon 25-Nov-19 15:43:47

Why does he wanna stay in the Midlands if his kids have got other plans? Sounds inconsiderate and selfish! hmm

BrightYellowDaffodil Mon 25-Nov-19 15:43:52

Absolutely not fair that he gets all of “his” Christmas and you get none of yours. If he won’t accept a Christmas with your family for once then I’d go alone.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas Mon 25-Nov-19 15:44:01

I'm not against going up on my own, but it is our first married Christmas. I would quite like to spend Christmas with my husband :-)

averythinline Mon 25-Nov-19 15:44:46

why do you have to be around for all his otehr family events?
does he not see that it maybe fair to go to your family events after 6 years..
have you explicitly asked him to?

I would go myself ....or both go away somewhere else- make new xmas traditions

BackforGood Mon 25-Nov-19 15:45:23

No, You don't sound unreasonable at all.
If his reasoning has always been about being there for his dc, and this year his dc have different plans, then, on the face of it, it is your turn to both travel and spend Christmas with your side of the family.

Purpleartichoke Mon 25-Nov-19 15:46:12

If his kids have other plans, it absolutely should be the year you both travel to your side of the family.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas Mon 25-Nov-19 15:46:44

Thanks everyone. His argument is that his DC will want to see him at some point over Christmas Eve, Day or BD and we need to be available for them.

averythinline Mon 25-Nov-19 15:50:18

arrange to see them before or after then.. make an arrangement not just hang around on teh off chance....New Year? as you wont have the extra hogmanay day so maybe better coming back for that smile

Owlypants Mon 25-Nov-19 15:59:16

Visit your family without him. Tell him its unfair that you miss out every year, his children are adults with their own plans and you don't want to hang around on the off chance that they might want to visit on a random day between Christmas eve and hogmanay. One year with your family then the next with his seems fair

ChristmasbloodyChristmas Mon 25-Nov-19 16:01:23

I've tried negotiating with him but he simply won't budge. He says I don't understand as I don't have children, but I do have my own family. He won't compromise. I travel up on my own regularly outside of Christmas but really don't want to go up alone for Christmas.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile Mon 25-Nov-19 16:04:05

Can you not go together up to Scotland? I'd love Xmas in Scotland to be honest.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile Mon 25-Nov-19 16:05:36

Sorry just read up the whole post. Go on your own. Beign with someone is about a compromise, and it should work both ways, not just one way!
Is there a way you could all go with his kids? Even rent a b&b or airb&B for two/three days if you can's all stay with your family?

ChristmasbloodyChristmas Mon 25-Nov-19 16:05:50

Yes we could MonaLisa but he won't because he wants to be around in case his children want to see him. Christmas in Scotland is where I want to be.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas Mon 25-Nov-19 16:06:33

His kids don't want to go with us, they have their own friends and girlfriends.

edwinbear Mon 25-Nov-19 16:07:05

YANBU. Your parents would presumably like to see their adult child over Christmas for once? Why is that less important than him seeing his adult children?

Yesmate Mon 25-Nov-19 16:07:48

Why can’t his children make firm plans? Fuck hanging around, go and spend it with your family.

AllYouGoodGoodPeople Mon 25-Nov-19 16:09:13

Can you cut out the middle man and ask his kids directly when they want to see you, and plan your Scottish trip around that?

JumpyLiz Mon 25-Nov-19 16:09:32

YANBU but if he won’t compromise at all and you don’t want to go without him, what are you gonna do but suck it up

Jupiters Mon 25-Nov-19 16:09:41

If his kids have other plans, it absolutely should be the year you both travel to your side of the family this!

You shouldn't have to forgo seeing your family because his children might be able to fit you in at some point.

If it was me I'd make plans to see my family and let him decide what he's doing. I wonder if he just assumes you'll do as he says and this would show him that you won't just follow him all the time.

shiningstar2 Mon 25-Nov-19 16:11:54

I think that you have been a very considerate sm all through the part of your dh's children's childhood. [quite rightly but not everybody is as considerate as you have been regarding Christmas and sc] Now their childhood is over and it's time for your dh to consider you.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas Mon 25-Nov-19 16:12:12

@edwinbear - I hadn't thought of it like that! I suppose I am a much older adult than they are, they're only just beyond the child phase but even so.

I am leaning towards making my plans and seeing what happens but would hate it if he decides to stay and I go alone. It's sort of like asking him to choose and I know the choice would always be his children, even though they never put him first.

Hont1986 Mon 25-Nov-19 16:13:24

"his adult children"

They're 18 and 20!

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