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to not want dss staying?

(54 Posts)
LoopyLouLisa Mon 20-Aug-07 22:01:44

I feel like a bitch. Dp called earlier to say his son (12yrs) has fallen out with his mum and wants to stay with us.

Normally i really wouldn't have a problem with this, but the timing....

I go in for a cs with dc2 in 11 days. Dp works away all week (leaves monday early am and back fri night) and I also have ds1 (18mths) to cope with. It seems he wants him to stay for a few weeks. I am gutted that the time I thought we will now not have any time on our own with lo. My mum is already taking ds1 off our hands quite a lot in the early days as I wont be able to lift him and dp will have to now do school run for the whole of his short paternity leave, approx 10 miles each way, just because of a teenage spat.

Dss isn't a horrible child but can be demanding when he hasn't got much to do. On the weekends when we do have him, we have to take him out, regardless of whether we can afford to or he whinges the whole time that he's bored. It also means we never get chance to take ds out doing something more suitable for a toddler, as dss gets impatient. i have a few issues with his language and temper too as i don't think ds1 should witness/hear it, but as dss isn't mine i cant discipline him.

i just don't have the energy or strength to be dealing with this right now. am i being completely unreasonable ? is it just my hormones?

whiskeyandbeer Mon 20-Aug-07 22:16:25

not unreasonable to not want it, but it would be very unreasonable to act on this feeling.

lisad123 Mon 20-Aug-07 22:21:11

I can understand what you are saying, but i think you need to be careful. He is part of your hubbys life, you knew that when you got with him. Its his son and he has every right to go to his dad for help and support when its needed.

I think you will have to say yes if it comes to it but be clear about the r"rules" in your house. You can disapline him and you must. Put your foot down with dss when he arrives and explain you are a family and have to take turns in what you do, who spends time. He'll be at school 5 days a week and at 12 he should be indepant and able to "care" for most of his own needs.


Aimsmum Mon 20-Aug-07 22:22:04

Message withdrawn

LoopyLouLisa Mon 20-Aug-07 22:28:05

i didn't really comment when dp said about it. i know it's probably my hormones making it all seem out of proportion. i think the hospital stay is scaring me too. if dss is here, dp wont be at the hospital with me except for about an hour a day so i'm gonna be very lonely. am panicking about after dp goes back to work now too. dss wont help at all around the house even washing up and i will then be on my own all week with 3 dc instead of trying to adjust to 2. i don't drive and there is no direct bus. how is he gonna get to school?

all this is because dss's mum has told dss she will not tolerate being sworn at anymore.

i'm just getting myself in a state now. is this gonna happen everytime she tells him he can't do something/stay out later than his curfew/etc?

Surfermum Mon 20-Aug-07 22:29:31

Your situation aside, is it the right thing for him to come to you? If it's just a teenage spat shouldn't he be staying with his mum and sorting things out with her?

We've had dsd asking to come and live with us when she's had an argument with her mum. We said no, not because we didnt' want her to, but we wanted her to choose to do so when she wasn't angry with her mum. We felt she was only saying she wanted to be with us to wind her mum up and we weren't buying into that.

silverfrog Mon 20-Aug-07 22:33:42

I agree with previous posters. I had my step children staying for the birth of both my children (not planned as such, just was our scheduled holiday time when I was due - obviously spectacularly bad family planning on my part!), and both times I have felt as you do - its difficult, and time consuming at a time when you want to concentrate on just you.

both my dcs ended up being born by cs, so I was in hospital for 4/5 days with dh unable to visit for long as had his dcs staying too, and hanging around hospitals was the last thing they wanted to do (they did want to see their new sibling, but not hang around too much)

I was a bit peeved both times, if I'm honest, but in the grand scheme of things it really wasn't the end of the world. It was difficult, and not without stress, but I can honestly say that I am glad that my step children were around when their siblings were born. The way I see it, it has included them more into "our" family - if they were my children too, they would naturally have been around at that time.

And one of the strongest memories of both births is of dss' face as he saw and held his new sister for the first time (he was 13 when dd1 was born and 15 when dd2 arrived).

elbarto Mon 20-Aug-07 22:39:40

well I am going to say YANBU. far better for him to make up with his mum than come running to his dads, especially as you will be recovering after major op.

have you spoken to your partner about it?

LoopyLouLisa Mon 20-Aug-07 22:40:48

Surfermum, this is what i think is happening here too. i think his mum is quite right not to put up with being called a 'f-ing bitch' etc anymore and demand some respect.

i really don't have a problem with him being here when dp is too, but after 2 wks is up i will have to look after him by myself for at least 5 days a week. ds1 is going to my mum to be looked after as dp 'can't cope' while i'm out of action but i am now being asked to cope with all 3 by myself from 2 weeks after cs. also dp's ex didn't allow access til about 3 months ago so i'm finding it kinda hard to adjust to being a step-parent anyway. dp will not allow me to discipline his son. we had an arguement before as i will not allow him to swear in front of ds1 and dp told me that i can't insist on that.

silverfrog Mon 20-Aug-07 22:46:40

hmmm, well I take back most of what I've said then. If you are expected to cope with all 3, 2 weeks post cs, then the least your dp could do would be look after dss and ds1 while you are in hospital.

I totally agree that you should be able to discipline dss too. It is vital that, if you are all to live together as a family, he respects you and your wishes as part of that family. asking him not to swear in front of your ds is not really a big deal.

paulaplumpbottom Mon 20-Aug-07 22:48:26

He is your Husbands son and his needs have to come before yours. I don't mean that to sound harsh because I can see where you are coming from but he has to be the priority.

FrayedKnot Mon 20-Aug-07 22:54:06

You need to have a serious chat with your DH.

Generally I think YANBU because the issue here is what your role is as a step mohter. Expected to cook DSS meals, do his washing, take him to school, while he is absent for days at a time, but not allowed to have expectations of his behaviour in your own home?

Sorry, this wouldn;t have washed with me when I was actively involved with caring for my step children.

Your DH needs to understand that part of caring for a child includes setting boundaries for their behaviour.

LoopyLouLisa Mon 20-Aug-07 22:54:15

What i would love to say to dp is, 'pick him up on friday when it's all had a chance to cool down and let him stay for the weekend to give him a break. then if things are still difficult he can stay while i am in hospital until he's back at school (about 5/6 days), and go from there.' but i don't know if that sounds fair.

i think if i say yes to him staying for the next 3-4 weeks it will set a pattern.

wondering how ds1 will cope coming back home to find there is not only a new baby in m+d's room but that dss has moved into his room too.

Surfermum Mon 20-Aug-07 22:55:06

Who will do the school run when your dp goes back to work then? Won't it be 6 weeks before you can drive?

nzshar Mon 20-Aug-07 22:56:05

Ok was thinking that maybe you were being a bit unreasonable about your step son not being there for a few weeks but since your last post I see there are other issues here.

As a stepmother of a 13 year old boy who is with us every weekend and usually 3/4 block weeks during holidays I can sympathise if you have no say on discipline and the way he behaves in your home. Dss was only 7 when my dp and I got together but I made it clear from the start what I expected and what was to be expected from dp,dss and his mum. It was a bumpy ride at first and comprimises were made on all sides until we were all happy. Dss has very different parenting with his mum than he does in our house and while swearing, spitting, roaming streets and general disrespect is normal at his mums it is not tolerated at ours and dss knows this. But none of this would have been posible had Me and dp not talked and been supportive of one another.

You really need to talk to your dh and say how it effects you and your ds. I understand that your dh will probably be feeling very insecure with the limited contact he has had with his ds but it will only lead to a lack of respect all round otherwise.


AttilaTheMum Mon 20-Aug-07 23:00:45

I think you will have to say that if you are looking after him on your own, you have to be able to discipline him. Your dp can't have it both ways - either he is part of your family, in which case you can tell him what to do, or he is a guest, in which case you can say it's not convenient for him to stay.

paulaplumpbottom Mon 20-Aug-07 23:03:24

You should use those exact words that Attila just used.

elkiedee Mon 20-Aug-07 23:17:30

YANBU, I don't think, I can see where you're coming from.

You will have had an operation and be needing to get settled in with a new baby. If he's just been allowed to see his son, I can understand that your dp wants their time together to be artificially perfect - hence no telling off/discipline, and your stepson feeling he can make demands about being entertained and not bored, I don't imagine he can do that at home - but neither your dp nor you are in a position to achieve that.

If this child is to come and stay for a few weeks at this time which isn't just slightly inconvenient, it's really quite hard to see how you can make it work, your dp should at least tell his son that it's not going to be all fun and games and being taken on expensive days out over that time, and he needs to take part in agreeing rules and making it clear to his son that those are the rules of the household.

Does his mother not have a view on this? I appreciate it might be difficult for you to discuss it with her, but I can't imagine that she'd want her son to stay with you for weeks on end.

LoopyLouLisa Mon 20-Aug-07 23:20:36

Surfermum, this is what i mean about the school run, i don't drive at all! i don't even hold a provisional and wouldn't have a clue about driving a car. there is no direct bus either, so it would be at least 2 buses taking approx 2 hrs each way.

when i said ds1 is being taken care of by my mum, i should've made it clear that was arranged months ago. don't know how he thinks i cope with a toddler by myself 24/7 at this stage in pg

Surfermum Mon 20-Aug-07 23:27:00

It just doesn't seem the sensible solution to me. Firstly because I think it sets a precedent that every time he falls out with his mum he can run to you, instead of staying and sorting things out. Secondly, a 2 hour journey to and from school is totally unrealistic.

How does his mum feel about it? And what does your dp think?

elkiedee Mon 20-Aug-07 23:29:56

As for the view that he's dp's son and his needs come first, there are two other children involved who are also dp's kids.

I'm disturbed by a concept of fatherhood that involves being there to offer a refuge from mum's rules for a 12 year old.

hotchocscot Mon 20-Aug-07 23:34:06

LLL, I echo and support the other posters saying YANBU, and definitely need to talk to your dh about what you can expect from dss. Absolutely you deserve his respect and your wishes regarding behaviour MUST be respected by both dss and dh. If he's 12, he is able to help out around the home. When my teenage dsd comes to stay, she knows she is expected to help with chores, not just playing with my ds and slobbing. In fact, I think we get on better BECAUSE she knows where she stands with us, and a no means a no, which is something she doesn't get with her mum, who is very volatile and inconsistent. Maybe you should print off this thread and show it to your dh, to help start a discussion on this?

LoopyLouLisa Mon 20-Aug-07 23:40:48

just spoke briefly to dp, and raised a few of the issues mainly regarding discipline, but also about not allowing dss to play to play dp and dp's ex off against each other. i said i would prefer a day or 2 to let things cool off with dss and his mum and see how things are then. dp cannot physically be here before friday but i am willing to have dss sooner if someone else can bring him over (mil/dss's mum both have cars). but i also said that i don't think dss should be sent the message that he can run away whenever he disagrees with his mum. dp still insists that if there is a behaviour problem i should refer it to him to deal with.

does this mean dp can 'be there for him' without a physical presence? if so, am i still being unfair by saying i don't think dss should stay here weekdays when school is back/dp back at work?

Genidef Mon 20-Aug-07 23:43:57

You did the right thing. I htink his mum will also appreciate the fact you backed her up in a way, by saying he can't run off when he likes to someone he thinks might indulge the behaviour. You have to have a united front.

how can he be there weekdays if you can't drive him to school though?

arfishy Mon 20-Aug-07 23:45:38

YANBU. I think if your DSS stays then your DP should take leave. You can't possibly be expected to cope with a newborn, a CS, DS and DSS.

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