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DF said he will not be coming to the wedding

(65 Posts)
teddy55 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:57:30

I'm hoping someone can help me on how to cope with this because I'm heartbroken. We are currently planning our wedding and just at the stage of setting a date for next year. Me and my dad have always been close until he and my mom got a divorce due to her cheating etc. when I was a teenager. We still managed to stay close and I tried my hardest but shortly after the divorce he started to resent me. He would always say horrible things that I'm my mothers daughter and he can see it in me, he just couldn't be near me as I reminded him of her and he started to get very distant and didn't want to see me or much to do with me. He became so paranoid and resentful I just didn't know what to do. I then ended up moving to a different country and everytime I came to visit my home country he would never answer his phone even though he was online on social media and we wouldn't ended up seeing each other even thought I've always wanted to see him hoping things would get better. We did see each other a few times I came back and he introduced me to his new 'girlfriend'. A complete psychopath, so insecure. She got drunk once and had a go at my dad for looking at me and paying more attention to me than he did to her and her daughter(only a couple years younger than me) confused - I also would only come back once or twice a year for a few days at a time and she would always say horrible things to me when she's had a few drinks like she wishes I never existed and the divorce was my fault etc. But my dad would listen and never say anything. It did bother me as I was quite young (am still only 23 though, so this is still very fresh in my mind) and it be honest it did do quite a lot of damage mentally. I tried confronting my dad about this many times but he would never ever talk about it. Last year me and OH went back to my home country to announce we were expecting and I was so excited to tell my dad in person and we arranged a coffee date, just me and him, to which he didn't turn up because of 'work'. A few hours later he texted to say he was on his way back from work and he will come and say goodbye because we were leaving the next day. He turned up, not wearing his work uniform, of course he was with her.. and said 'we've just been shopping, I took the day off work'. Fine, I didn't ended up telling him until we got back home and I confronted him about how I was upset about him lying as this was very special news I wanted to tell him face to face. He then started an argument out of nowhere about how I am always causing drama and I won't leave him and his girlfriend alone, always getting inbetween and the reason i never got on with her and her daughter is because I have always been jealous that she's been more of a daughter to me than I have ever been. I was devastated. Year goes on, our beautiful LG was born and we ended up going back to my home country again for over a week in the summer so the family could see her. Typical again, DF didn't answer his phone until last minute and came up with every excuse under the sun not to meet with us and meet his granddaughter. He eventually came to meet with us and I requested for his girlfriend not to come because I simply did not want her around my daughter. For once he has respected my wishes and I thought things we're going to get better. When we were having a coffee, he said that the reason he couldn't meet with us earlier was because about 3 weeks ago he had 2 weeks off to spend with his girlfriend and couldn't have any more time off. He is self employed btw...And he knew we were coming about 2-3 months prior to this. I brushed this off and told him I would love for him to come to the christening to which he said 'no, your mother and her family will be there'. Time goes on and we are now planning our wedding. I messaged to ask if he could come as it would mean a lot to me (in my home country a wedding is about the father giving his daughter away and it is such a big deal for the father to be there no matter what) to which he replied 'no, I will not be coming but I wish you all the best.' I am devastated and don't have anyone to walk me down the aisle as I've always dreamt it would be my dad doing it. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't even know what to say back to him.

Shoxfordian Fri 22-Nov-19 23:00:36

Don't say anything back to him.
He's treated you really badly, just stop trying with him.

Bigearringsbigsmile Fri 22-Nov-19 23:02:05

Why would you want him there? He has treated you terribly.
Surely you want people at your wedding who love you and are there for you?

teddy55 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:11:21

I understand, but I can't stop thinking that he is my father. It's really devastating to think that if it was his girlfriend's daughter's wedding he wouldn't even think about not going. I do have to admit, this time I may be slightly jealous because I think it's out of order. Maybe I should stop trying and erase him from my life??

Ilikewinter Fri 22-Nov-19 23:11:53

I feel so sorry for you OP, your dad is and has treated you terribly. His issues are with your mum and he should be adult enough to be able to keep his feelings for you separate.

It seems clear from what you've said that he isnt going to come to your wedding, I think you need to cut ties and leave him be, focus on you and your family amd your future happiness.

Do you have any siblings that could give you away - or why not ask your mum?

OrangeZog Fri 22-Nov-19 23:15:30

I got lost part way through but it’s quite clear that it’s not a relationship you should be wanting to continue. I’d stop contacting him now whilst you are still able to remember the fond memories of your childhood because I can’t see that things will get any better.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and engagement.

morriseysquif Fri 22-Nov-19 23:15:50

He doesn't deserve to be there.

You don't need to be given away, walk down the aisle by yourself, strong and proud.
But if you really need to:
You and DP walk down together.
Or your mum do it.

stiffstink Fri 22-Nov-19 23:16:20

He’s flaky about everything and he’s shown zero signs of improving as a father/grandfather- but to his credit for once he’s let you down we’ll in advance instead of at the last minute.

The divorce wasn’t your fault, his choices afterwards weren’t your fault, his partner’s personality isn’t your fault, his current choices aren’t your fault.

Accept that you’ve given this adult opportunities to have an adult relationship with you and that he’s decided not to prioritise it, which is his own fault and his own loss.

Plan a wedding around your excellent relationship with your DP and not your Dad’s crappy choices.

Would you consider asking someone else to walk you down the aisle or to walk alone Meghan style?

teddy55 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:21:56

Okay, the comments on here are making me feel a tad better! Would you consider stopping contact altogether and deleting him off Facebook? That is the only way of contact for us. I am slightly worried that this will mean my daughter might never see her grandad.

In terms of walking down the aisle, I am an only child but I supposed I could get my mom to do that. I didn't know that was an option blush

teddy55 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:22:57

Ooops, meant to put ' would you recommend considering...' confused

emilybrontescorsett Fri 22-Nov-19 23:24:15

Stop communicating with him. He doesn't care about you. This is the unpleasant truth and the sooner you accept it the sooner you will heal.
You cannot change him, only the way you react to him.

champagneandfromage50 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:31:37

It’s time for you to move on. Your DM has been with you 100% your Father hasn’t. His priority has been elsewhere. I wouldn’t get embroiled with the reasoning. My DF was the same , left my DM , he has woman and showed zero interest in me and my sisters until there was a drama and he showed up trying to make my mum look like an ass. I went NC with my father when I was 20 and didn’t see him again for 25 yrs

PlinkPlink Fri 22-Nov-19 23:35:32

My father and I have a... minimal but strained relationship.

Divorced at 7
He cheated
Ended up marrying the woman he cheated with
Lived with her and her kids

He only rings me on birthdays and christmas.

Over the years, particularly early years he did some pretty unforgivable things. He physically abused my DSis and my DM. Things a child should never witness.

He treated his wife's family like they were his and it was quite clear that my existence was an inconvenience. A painful reminder perhaps.

I have tried to confront him but there's always an excuse.

I have had to come to accept that that is who he is. He's not a good man. He did it to his other daughters too. He doesn't do emotion and he doesn't do confrontation. I just have to accept that that is who he is. He will never change. He's 70 now and he's had plenty of opportunity to show me he could put love over his temporary discomfort.

Some days are easier than others to accept this. I have deliberately kept comms to a minimum because I can't take the heartache and the reminders. I can't keep getting my hopes up that he will step up to the mark only to be heartbroken again

I think you need to do the same. Cut comms. For your mental health and sanity. You will never change this man. He will never see you any differently - as heartbreaking as that is, it's the truth and I think you know it on some level.

Write him a letter if you must, explain how you feel and why you are cutting him out. But if he doesn't beg to be part of your life, if he doesnt jump at the chances to see you and experience life with you, then he doesn't deserve it and he doesn't deserve you.

One day he will regret that... when his girlfriend has left him, when he's older, when hes alone etc.

On the flip side, you will take this experience and use it for positive. You will most likely ensure that your little one never has a similar relationship with her father. I know I do... even if my OH and I ever split up (God forbid), I would do everything in my power to make sure they had a wonderful relationship and connection.

I wish you lots of strength OP. I don't think anyone has ever broken my heart more than my Dad. I really felt your pain reading your post and I hope you find some peace with this soon.

Ilikewinter Fri 22-Nov-19 23:37:53

I wouldn't delete him off facebook, that just gives him an excuse to say he can't get in touch with you - but I wouldn't make any attempt to contact him.

You can choose whoever you wish to give you away, pick you mum and put lovely photos on facebook, show your dad what hes really missed out on.

Giraffey1 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:38:14

He may be your father by blood but he is not acting in the way a father should. I think you need to stop trying so hard and leave him to get on with his own sad little world. You enjoy your own life with your lovely partner and child. She doesn’t need a selfish grandfather in her life. I grew up without knowing either of my grandfathers and I don’t think I have suffered as a result!

1Morewineplease Fri 22-Nov-19 23:43:22

You say an awful lot but there’s clearly a lot more underneath the surface. Unless you’re prepared to face up to your family ghosts then
your best bet is to carry on with your life without him.

Gingerkittykat Fri 22-Nov-19 23:59:36

I would also cut contact, I probably wouldn't delete from Facebook though.

You have tried and tried to have a relationship with him and he has never reciprocated. You get upset over and over again by his behaviour.

I would be glad my daughter did not have a relationship with him, is he really going to be any kind of decent and loving grandad?

Cornishclio Sat 23-Nov-19 00:00:34

For your own sanity I would stop trying with him. Can your mum walk you down the aisle or a brother, uncle, family friend? He does not sound like much of a father. He has quite clearly moved on and is not interested in a relationship with you. Harsh but best you harden yourself to him and move on too.

AllyBamma Sat 23-Nov-19 00:03:49

I’d go low contact. Don’t delete him from Facebook because it will just give him ammunition to paint you as the bad guy. Instead I would put him on restricted (still friends but he can’t see your posts I think) and just stop contacting him. He doesn’t give a shit about you clearly so put all your love and energy into your own family

CanaryFish Sat 23-Nov-19 00:09:35

I’m sorry , I’m so so sorry , but stop trying. I know it’s really hard because he’s your father and you want (and deserve) a good relationship with him but he’s shown you time and again that he’ll put his new missus first.
Walk down the aisle with your held high , you don’t need him by your side. What good is having him there for one day when he’s awful for the other 364 days or the year?
And your beautiful child doesn’t need him , they have you and you’re a better parent than you had xx

friedbeansandcheese Sat 23-Nov-19 00:17:52

This is not your fault. This is your dad’s fault. He has been a shit dad to you! Walk down the aisle with your mum or a good female friend.

I’d delete him off FB and get used to not having him 8n your life.

You are worth so much more!

Caledoniahasmyheartforever Sat 23-Nov-19 00:34:11

I’m so sorry @teddy55 your father is a cruel, nasty and abusive bully- he sounds very much like a narcissist and he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life!

Can I suggest that you read a book called ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward. I think you would find it very enlightening.

My dh is estranged from his family, he hasn’t seen them in years, but they are on his Facebook - but very much restricted. Dh doesn’t chat with/ message or even like their posts but it is a point of contact should they need to contact him.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 23-Nov-19 00:36:42

" I am slightly worried that this will mean my daughter might never see her grandad."
I'm not seeing that as a bad thing. He punished you because he couldn't punish your mum after she divorced him. He's likely to punish your daughter for the same reason. He's a wanker. A selfish fuck-up of a man. A crap father. He'd be a crap grandad too.

As an aside, I'd like to put a thought to you. You only got to see this side of him (and I'd hazard it's the real him, not the illusion of a dad you thought you were close to) after your mother divorced him. You describe this as "my mom got a divorce due to her cheating etc". You know how bad his behaviour makes you feel. Have you thought about how it would feel if your husband treated you like this? How desperate for affection his behaviour could have made her? Maybe cut her some slack. I'm sure he's always described it as her cheating on him, I'm inclined to see a woman driven away by his indifference and cruelty. Just a thought.

Nillynally Sat 23-Nov-19 00:37:49

Why the fuck would you want him there?! Have a lovely time, send him a postcard from your honey moon saying 'up yours you miserable bastard'.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever Sat 23-Nov-19 00:38:23

Alternatively, you could unfriend but not block your Father- so he still has the opportunity to message you, but you don’t have to have him on Facebook.

There would though, be no one who would judge you, should you choose to block him completely, both on Facebook and in real life.

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