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Am I the Arsehole here?.....

(90 Posts)
Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 20:56:38

I'm in bed, bf is downstairs after a massive argument earlier.
We are working things out as our relationship has been very rocky for months. He has a tendency to go out on the piss, not return home and not contact me for 12+ hours. He knows I worry due to previous relationship and let's be honest here, who wouldn't?

Anyway, things have been going great. We'd planned a Christmas shopping trip to a nearby city for tomorrow, we have been looking forward to it all week. Earlier today one of his mates who he always disappears with calls him and ask him out for a few pints (can I just add these men have ZERO control and I've never known them to have just a few, it's always an absolute skin full and then some) ... So he comes home and asks me if I wanted to go for a drink with him and these mates ..... I've kicked off for the following reasons....

1) I believe he's only asked me knowing I'd say no and tell him to go. They drink in a grotty shit hole of a pub, full of coke heads! Entirely not my scene and he NEVER asks me out with them.

2) The children are with their dad this weekend, so we had BOTH planned a lovely day tomorrow, a nice meal, get the kids (mine from a previous relationship) Xmas present sorted which he thoroughly enjoys doing and spending some quality time out and about together.
When he drinks the next 2 days are completely written off as he's tired, rough, moody and lazy..

I'm laying here wondering if I have overreacted. I'm due on my period tomorrow and my hormones do send my mind bat shit crazy.

AIBU to have kicked off over him asking me to go for a drink with them? Even though I strongly believe he had no intention of me joining them 😬

Havaina Sat 23-Nov-19 20:51:34

What happened in the end OP?

I hope you went without him.

yuiop Sat 23-Nov-19 20:40:17

I honestly don't know why you're with this guy. I'd have dumped him a long time ago. He's not an adult, he's a childish knob and I wouldn't have him near kids.

EleanorShellstrop100 Sat 23-Nov-19 13:45:45

Just sounds like you’re incompatible. I’d call it a day because either you’ll keep asking him to stay in and he will end up resenting you or he will keep asking to go out and you’ll end up having this argument over and over.

BumbleBeee69 Sat 23-Nov-19 13:11:13

He sounds like a right childish pratt OP.

NearlyGranny Sat 23-Nov-19 10:59:19

He may see it as you spoiling his night out so he retaliate by spoiling the joint day out he planned.

Stalemate. He's a sulky non-communicator and no fuun at all!

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 10:46:59

*"Leave him to his sulking."

Or just leave him?

rainbowstardrops Sat 23-Nov-19 10:44:02

Leave him to his sulking.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 10:31:14

" he really wanted to go out and you spoilt it for him."

Well that's the thing isn't it?

If he wasn't so dependent on alcohol, he could have gone out last night & been fit enough to go out today!

SouthernComforts Sat 23-Nov-19 10:18:19

This sounds miserable OP. If you call it a day with this one, you will give yourself a chance to meet someone you are compatible with, and threads like this will make you think wtf was I ever doing with him.

It's not working, you aren't happy. Don't waste your life trying to force/nag/argue him into being just decent enough sometimes to stay with.

Tooner Sat 23-Nov-19 10:15:41

He's a twat. He didn't go out because he knew you would be really annoyed if he did and now he's gone in a big huff because he really wanted to go out and you spoilt it for him.

He's pathetic. Any normal person would just get over it and enjoy the day you had planned that he suggested.

I really don't think he is worth all this anguish OP. As long as he has the same mates and the same desire to go out and get rat arsed then nit coming home for hours then things are not going to get better long term.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 10:11:03

Why did you ask him to talk though?

Why not just get on with the day?

TowelNumber42 Sat 23-Nov-19 10:05:11

Boyfriends are supposed to be fun. This sounds depressing and grim.

mummmy2017 Sat 23-Nov-19 10:01:52

He said about going out.
You said no, he stayed home.
You sulked in your bedroom.
He could have slept on the sofa bit he came to bed.
You cancelled the day out.
This bloke can't win, even when he does stay home.
He won't see it like you do, to him you can't be pleased.
You catch more flys with honey than vinegar.

Appreciateyourthoughts Sat 23-Nov-19 10:00:28

@HazySunsets but he's not speaking to me! I sat next to him, asked if we could talk and he ignored me! So how am I "cutting off my nose to spite my face"??

katewhinesalot Sat 23-Nov-19 09:58:03

Or is he not talking to you because he's not gone out and you are still giving him grief and after now refusing to go out?

Does he feel there is any point discussing it as you won't let it go and the day is ruined anyway?

It's difficult tio tell as we don't know the dynamics of everyday life.

AloeVeraLynn Sat 23-Nov-19 09:57:47

This is just not a good relationship. You're both behaving like teenagers.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 09:55:05

" he didn’t go out, he’s not hungover so it’s a bit of a waste to not now go on the day out you had planned."

But he's not speaking to Op!

I think that you should be making plans to leave, seems an awful way to live.

katewhinesalot Sat 23-Nov-19 09:54:55

So then you have no choice to exit this relationship unless you are prepared to stand back and accommodate his excessive drinking - and do it happily.
Yes, he stayed in but if he's giving you grief for "having to stay in" then what is the point?

ohwheniknow Sat 23-Nov-19 09:51:34

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

HazySunsets Sat 23-Nov-19 09:50:57

I think you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face a bit by not going out with him today now tbh. And I would be a bit pissed off if I was him as he DIDN’T go out (I’m not and no one else is saying you should be grateful about that) but the fact is, he didn’t go out, he’s not hungover so it’s a bit of a waste to not now go on the day out you had planned. Can’t see how not doing it would make things better in the future tbh as he’s probably thinking he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t so he may as well just do it!

But, as an aside this relationship sounds like a total disaster. I’m not sure how old you are but if you’re anything above mid 20’s then being with someone who goes out for 12 hours drinking and taking coke with a load of cokeheads and doesn’t come home is just ridiculous. Get rid and find yourself a grown up. And this is coming from someone who loves a good drinking sesh at the weekends (though not every weekend) but I would never not keep in contact with my partner and I certainly don’t hang around with a load of coke heads. Just all sounds v juvenile and you don’t sound compatible long term.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre Sat 23-Nov-19 09:47:53

He's sulking because you didn't "allow" him to go out last night.

I'm sure if he hadn't an unhealthy relationship with drink then you wouldn't have posted here last night. It's difficult for people who don't have the experiences you've had to understand how damaging drink can be in a relationship.

You're wasting your time trying to explain to people who simply don't understand. They'll never understand unless they find themselves in a relationship with someone similar.

You did nothing wrong OP. An addict is expert at making themselves out to be the victim. It's always someone else's fault. If drinking wasn't an issue for him he wouldn't be sulking the next morning about not going out the night before.

Encyclo Sat 23-Nov-19 09:40:51

I'd just go out OP. Leave home to stew.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 09:35:09

So why not speaking?

I don't understand why you aren't just up & out!

But really if you know that you will come second to his drinking, wat's the point?

Quartz2208 Sat 23-Nov-19 09:33:28

I think he wanted you to say it was ok and he didnt have to because he didnt want to be the bad guy. When you didnt enter that narrative he made you the bad guy anyway

2 days off after drinking is a hell of a lot. Do you really want this attitude to drinking being around your children?

Appreciateyourthoughts Sat 23-Nov-19 09:32:20

@katewhinesalot clearly still sulking. I can guarantee it, that the second I walk out the door, I'll have a text message the size of an essay from him. He's rubbish at talking about things unless it suits him.

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