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Am I the Arsehole here?.....

(90 Posts)
Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 20:56:38

I'm in bed, bf is downstairs after a massive argument earlier.
We are working things out as our relationship has been very rocky for months. He has a tendency to go out on the piss, not return home and not contact me for 12+ hours. He knows I worry due to previous relationship and let's be honest here, who wouldn't?

Anyway, things have been going great. We'd planned a Christmas shopping trip to a nearby city for tomorrow, we have been looking forward to it all week. Earlier today one of his mates who he always disappears with calls him and ask him out for a few pints (can I just add these men have ZERO control and I've never known them to have just a few, it's always an absolute skin full and then some) ... So he comes home and asks me if I wanted to go for a drink with him and these mates ..... I've kicked off for the following reasons....

1) I believe he's only asked me knowing I'd say no and tell him to go. They drink in a grotty shit hole of a pub, full of coke heads! Entirely not my scene and he NEVER asks me out with them.

2) The children are with their dad this weekend, so we had BOTH planned a lovely day tomorrow, a nice meal, get the kids (mine from a previous relationship) Xmas present sorted which he thoroughly enjoys doing and spending some quality time out and about together.
When he drinks the next 2 days are completely written off as he's tired, rough, moody and lazy..

I'm laying here wondering if I have overreacted. I'm due on my period tomorrow and my hormones do send my mind bat shit crazy.

AIBU to have kicked off over him asking me to go for a drink with them? Even though I strongly believe he had no intention of me joining them 😬

BellyButton85 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:17:54

What on actual earth are some of you people on? How does going out on a weekend and getting shit faced make you an alcoholic. It really doesn't and that comes from a non-drinker. You might as well have just let him go out because an argument tonight probably means you won't be going out together tomorrow anyway

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:21:23

Basically, he only puts you first when it's convenient for him and he has nothing better to do. If his loser friends rear their ugly heads, you get shoved to the back burner. Fuck that. You can do far better.

Havaina Fri 22-Nov-19 22:22:13

@BellyButton85 I feel sorry for you if you think 12 hour benders are normal.

Eckhart Fri 22-Nov-19 22:23:08

OP are you upset with the point you were making, or the way you made it?

TimeForNewStart Fri 22-Nov-19 22:30:03

Do you mind that he takes coke?

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:30:37

I'm really upset because I always come second to the drink. In the past he would ruin our plans by going out and being too rough to carry them out. This was something we have been working on.
It's not a case of "let him go out" I told him tomorrow is cancelled so he can carry on and do as he pleases as he's left me feeling he didn't want to spend the day out with me and I'm not controlling so would never tell him "you can't go out".
I fell asleep and he's here in bed next to me snoring his head off so I guess he's made some effort and stayed in.
When I say he goes out with out a word, he will go out and I will have no contact from him and he doesn't return home. Again he's not done that to me for a little while now. It's not about trust, it's about giving me some consideration & respect.

HuntingCuns Fri 22-Nov-19 22:33:16

OP:

To take your points in order:

It's not on for him not to contact you for 12+ hours, whatever the reason.
I would worry about this, too.

Anyway, things have been going great. We'd planned a Christmas shopping trip to a nearby city for tomorrow, we have been looking forward to it all week.

Are you sure this is plural? I don't know a man in the universe would would genuinely be looking forward to a shopping trip.

Earlier today one of his mates who he always disappears with calls him and ask him out for a few pints (can I just add these men have ZERO control and I've never known them to have just a few, it's always an absolute skin full and then some) ... So he comes home and asks me if I wanted to go for a drink with him and these mates .....

As above. Though if he's a piss artist, that's a different issue from him (reasonably) not really liking shopping.

I've kicked off for the following reasons....

Unreasonable to "kick off". What do you mean by this?

1) I believe he's only asked me knowing I'd say no and tell him to go. They drink in a grotty shit hole of a pub, full of coke heads! Entirely not my scene and he NEVER asks me out with them.

Sounds crap, and he shouldn't be getting pissed with a load of coke heads (though why are you with someone who socialises with coke heads?)

2) The children are with their dad this weekend, so we had BOTH planned a lovely day tomorrow, a nice meal, get the kids (mine from a previous relationship) Xmas present sorted which he thoroughly enjoys doing

No, he probably doesn't enjoy this. You do, but they are not his children - and even if they were, he probably wouldn't genuinely enjoy this. He is a man.

and spending some quality time out and about together.

You and he are on different planets about "quality time".

When he drinks the next 2 days are completely written off as he's tired, rough, moody and lazy..

No: this is who he is. You need a man who is more like a woman, really, if 'who he is' isn't your thing (it absolutely wouldn't be mine!)

I'm laying

Lying!! Not laying

here wondering if I have overreacted. I'm due on my period tomorrow and my hormones do send my mind bat shit crazy.

Don't make excuses. Your partner shouldn't be out on the piss with a bunch of coke-heads. However, you shouldn't think he likes shopping for your DC.

AIBU to have kicked off over him asking me to go for a drink with them? Even though I strongly believe he had no intention of me joining them 😬

YABU for "kicking off". You need to act like an adult, and communicate like an adult (though it sounds as if your partner communicates like a child, too). This is all very teenage.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:33:27

He's assured me that he does not take coke and I do believe him.

BellyButton85 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:36:06

@Havaina why thank you. You need to get out more though. If they don't have children together there's no reason he has to be home 'early'. As long as he isn't cheating and taking drugs then he's an adult and can drink for 12 hours if he wishes.
Might I make it clear though OP that I would also be cross. I'm just saying that it's his right to do so if he wishes, he's an adult, not necessarily an alcoholic like some drama Queens on here might suggest unless you know different

Wolfiefan Fri 22-Nov-19 22:36:39

So he’s just a drunk then? Aim higher OP. He puts drink first.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:37:13

And with regards to the shopping trip ... it was to Smyths Toy Super Store and then onto have lunch followed by a cocktail or two (we are taking the car) ... He suggested it. So I've not forced him into anything!

Havaina Fri 22-Nov-19 22:45:17

@BellyButton85 ‘adults’ don’t get drunk the night before a planned day out that HE suggested, which means he will be ‘tired, rough, moody, lazy’ (in OP’s words) for the next 2 days.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight Fri 22-Nov-19 22:47:39

Since he stayed in, are you going to go ahead with your plans for tomorrow? I'm not sure how it turned into a massive argument if he said 'do you want to come to the pub?' You said, 'no because we're going out tomorrow so we can't go the pub tonight' and then he stayed home.

You're not his mum so don't get caught in the role of responsible adult in the relationship. But, equally, it's perfectly fine to have boundaries and say 'this isn't acceptable and I'm not happy with it'. You can say that without it turning into an argument and confrontation.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:50:12

@BellyButton85 I've never said he needs to be "home early" just a simple text informing me that he will not be home or he's ok or goodnight would be nice. He KNOWS I worry and we have the same argument about it. If I did it to him there would be hell! But I couldn't possibly disappear for 12+ hours on a night out so that's irrelevant.

letsdolunch321 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:52:04

As he has stayed in tonight, tomorrow I would go out for the day and tell him you really appreciated him not going out tonight. I find telling my dp the things you appreciate gets a good reaction.

Wishing you a good day tomorrow.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:53:16

@ThatsMeInTheSpotlight it turned into an argument because of our past with him and alcohol ruining our plans. Maybe I should have put more of the back story in my OP but we are trying to move forward from our past so didn't bother.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 23:00:12

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, even if you do think I was BU.

He knows if he drinks, nothing in this world can make him get up and get out the next day, so I can only assume he changed his mind and didn't want to tell me in the adult way. I'm going to ask my mum to join me tomorrow or go alone.

For those that have suggested he may have a drink problem, I do agree and have had this conversation with him before. Obviously we have a back story which I didn't disclose in my OP.

DishingOutDone Fri 22-Nov-19 23:07:17

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, even if you do think I was BU - but only one person said you were BU and they didn't seem like the most reliable witness. Everyone else has been pretty disparaging about your relationship - only you can know if its going to work out going forward from this.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:17:00

He sounds like a binge drinker OP, once he starts he stays til he drops..

I hope you're both ale to go tomorrow.. flowers

Crinkle77 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:25:36

Sorry OP but the staying out 12 hours and 2 day hangovers are a classic sign of coke use. He'll be up all night partying and then will be totally wrecked so obviously won't want to speak too you cos he's off his head.

RolytheRhino Sat 23-Nov-19 06:59:37

I'd go out with him today if he still wants to come. Otherwise you've been fairly unreasonable to my mind- he changed his mind in response to your being upset, only for you to be upset with him anyway.

troutknickers Sat 23-Nov-19 07:07:21

I don't understand, he stayed in so why would you go alone or ask your mum? Seems like you're asking for an argument there

adaline Sat 23-Nov-19 07:23:16

Why did it have to cause an argument?

He asked if you wanted to go out, you said no because of the plans you'd both made and he stayed home. So where's the issue?

I understand he has history (and staying out for 12 hours and being hungover for two days screams coke use to me) but on this particular occasion I don't think he did anything wrong.

I hope you manage to salvage your weekend but please have a think about whether you really want to stay in this relationship.

Beautiful3 Sat 23-Nov-19 07:27:41

Yes he is unreasonable to go want to go out drinking tonight, when he planned a nice day out with you tomorrow. He cant cancel tomorrow because a better offer came along.

Dontdisturbmenow Sat 23-Nov-19 07:35:03

It sounds like there are deeper issues than him going out to drink before a night out. What it comes down to is that you are in different places in your relationship. He is happy to be with you, but still wants to act like a non committed guy, going out to drink with his friends on a Friday night without having to control himself because of responsibilities the next day.

You want him to act like a committed partner and parent. He probably pretended to be as happy as you to go out today to make you happy, the truth is that he is probably not half as excited as you to be going to buy presents for your kids. If he truly looked forward as much as you think, he wouldn't have contemplated getting smashed.

The more you try to mould him to the committed partner you want him to be now, the more he will act to remind himself that he hasn't made these vows yet and should still be able to enjoy life as a man who isn't a family man yet.

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