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Am I the Arsehole here?.....

(90 Posts)
Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 20:56:38

I'm in bed, bf is downstairs after a massive argument earlier.
We are working things out as our relationship has been very rocky for months. He has a tendency to go out on the piss, not return home and not contact me for 12+ hours. He knows I worry due to previous relationship and let's be honest here, who wouldn't?

Anyway, things have been going great. We'd planned a Christmas shopping trip to a nearby city for tomorrow, we have been looking forward to it all week. Earlier today one of his mates who he always disappears with calls him and ask him out for a few pints (can I just add these men have ZERO control and I've never known them to have just a few, it's always an absolute skin full and then some) ... So he comes home and asks me if I wanted to go for a drink with him and these mates ..... I've kicked off for the following reasons....

1) I believe he's only asked me knowing I'd say no and tell him to go. They drink in a grotty shit hole of a pub, full of coke heads! Entirely not my scene and he NEVER asks me out with them.

2) The children are with their dad this weekend, so we had BOTH planned a lovely day tomorrow, a nice meal, get the kids (mine from a previous relationship) Xmas present sorted which he thoroughly enjoys doing and spending some quality time out and about together.
When he drinks the next 2 days are completely written off as he's tired, rough, moody and lazy..

I'm laying here wondering if I have overreacted. I'm due on my period tomorrow and my hormones do send my mind bat shit crazy.

AIBU to have kicked off over him asking me to go for a drink with them? Even though I strongly believe he had no intention of me joining them 😬

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 22-Nov-19 20:59:00

You’re not an arsehole and you’re not crazy. He’s got a drinking problem and he’s not going to change.

cees Fri 22-Nov-19 20:59:32

He has form, I wouldn't be happy with him either. Yanbu

RolytheRhino Fri 22-Nov-19 20:59:48

I don't think so, no. He had plans, going out drinking would've interfered with them. He should have realised this all on his own and not left you to be the bad guy.

littlepaddypaws Fri 22-Nov-19 21:00:13

not really sure why you are with this guy tbh, he sounds a dead loss.

Longfacenow Fri 22-Nov-19 21:04:57

If your relationship was otherwise good and this pub wasn't full of druggies, then I'd say it could be he is trying to make an effort based on your previous conversations.

But taking everything you have posted above at face value, I am wondering whether he has a drinking problem and isn't getting help or likely to at this current stage in his life.

Are you happy with him? Would he go for substance misuse support?

theEnglishInPatient Fri 22-Nov-19 21:05:31

your partner should be looking forward to spending time with you. Sorry, but it's as simple as that. If he is not, then you do have a problem. I could not be with someone treating me as second best.
Does this relationship make you happy and more confident?

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 21:13:31

Thank you for your replies.
When we are good, we are very happy. He's a very loving, caring and generous man. Will do anything for me and my boys, gives us the best without us even asking him for it ..... BUT..... & its a big BUT when it comes to the drink he is very selfish! Because of him going out and basically making me feel ... 'Out of sight, out of mind' ... I now have terrible anxiety every time he goes for a drink, which does always cause an argument. But today he was trying to keep me happy by inviting me! I'm no fool.
Usually after an argument like this he goes off on a bender and blames me for it. But tonight he's still downstairs, I've heard him talking on the phone to his mates in the pub, yet he's still here? Is he making an effort? It's so confusing 🤯

Barbie222 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:14:18

He sounds miserable, however I wonder if he was really looking forward to a day of Christmas shopping for your kids. He doesn't sound the type! To be fair he did invite you along to the evening. Maybe he feels the same about shopping as you do about the night out but didn't want to say!

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 21:16:30

Barbie22 he suggested the shopping trip originally... I usually wait until the second weekend in December but he said it would be nice tomorrow 😔

diddl Fri 22-Nov-19 21:24:19

If he was making an effort, wouldn't he just have told his mates that he couldn't make it & be spending time with you?

There's still plenty of time for him to o out & get wasted!

AngelicInnocent Fri 22-Nov-19 21:32:24

Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable telling these friends no and wanted you to be the bad guy. Not great but it may be he is trying to make an effort.

Wolfiefan Fri 22-Nov-19 21:35:27

His primary relationship is with alcohol.
He isn’t loving, caring and generous. He’s selfish and cares more about drink than anything else.

billy1966 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:37:39

OP, life with a partner who is an alcoholic, even a functioning one is misery.

Even if they are lovely in between drinking bouts.

You know this.

Is this the life you want?

💐

Apileofballyhoo Fri 22-Nov-19 21:41:59

Oh OP, I'm sorry this is your life.

Peasplease21 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:45:41

Some of these replies are HARSH!

OP, I believe you have a good relationship! Don't let posters on here rile you up into believing you don't.

I think he was a bit unreasonable for asking, and you MAY have been a bit OTT in your response (definitely not BU for saying no, just if you're feeling guilty perhaps you reacted more strongly than was necessary).

I would suggest going downstairs and tell him you were only cross because you want to have a nice time together. he answer still, most definitey, being no.

Open a bottle of wine and watch a movie - your nice weekend starts here.

Bluntness100 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:45:48

Some drama on here, calling him an alkie etc.

Op it's always better to give your message calmly, but your message was fair enough, it was ok to be annoyed,

Please don't blame your hormones for your behaviour thought that gives all women a bad name,

Wolfiefan Fri 22-Nov-19 21:50:55

No normal person regularly goes out and gets so shitfaced that they don’t make it home. People without a drink problem don’t let alcohol affect their relationships or argue over it.

namechange4052 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:51:02

Alcohol problems or not, he's clearly a selfish man who doesn't prioritise you when he's drinking with his mates because it wipes out a whole weekend. If you hadn't kicked off, he would have gone out all night and possibly have been too hungover tomorrow and ruined the nice day that you had looked forward to so much. If he really cared, he wouldn't keep letting you down.

guiltyofa Fri 22-Nov-19 21:58:10

When you say he doesn't return home, do you mean he stays out all night?

Does he take coke himself? The 2 day hangover/being miserable makes me wonder...

You also sound like you don't trust him. Does that play a part in how you feel about this too?

I'm torn. I don't think everyone who goes out drinking has a drink problem. Many people like a few drinks sometimes. And to me, he's invited you so he's happy for you to join him. Your plans are for tomorrow, not tonight. I think Y Might BU depending on answers to previous questions.

guiltyofa Fri 22-Nov-19 21:59:11

And also, by the sounds of it, you've expressed you're unhappy about it and he hasn't gone to the pub after all. So he has taken what you've said on board.

Longfacenow Fri 22-Nov-19 22:01:41

I think as he's still there go downstairs and talk to him.

It isn't normal to go on a bender and not come home in my world. I think you deserve better than that. But he hasn't done that tonight, maybe he is trying?

Wonkybanana Fri 22-Nov-19 22:01:45

If he's still there, although you might not feel like it go down and talk to him. Don't give him the chance to say well you were upstairs sulking so he might as well go out.

Havaina Fri 22-Nov-19 22:03:13

Well done for telling him you’re not happy with this. Sounds like he knows tomorrow will be a write off if he goes?

Mamabear1988 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:03:17

I guess I'd wait and see what tomorrow brings. If he doesn't get up, go by yourself. Don't wait around for him.

BellyButton85 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:17:54

What on actual earth are some of you people on? How does going out on a weekend and getting shit faced make you an alcoholic. It really doesn't and that comes from a non-drinker. You might as well have just let him go out because an argument tonight probably means you won't be going out together tomorrow anyway

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:21:23

Basically, he only puts you first when it's convenient for him and he has nothing better to do. If his loser friends rear their ugly heads, you get shoved to the back burner. Fuck that. You can do far better.

Havaina Fri 22-Nov-19 22:22:13

@BellyButton85 I feel sorry for you if you think 12 hour benders are normal.

Eckhart Fri 22-Nov-19 22:23:08

OP are you upset with the point you were making, or the way you made it?

TimeForNewStart Fri 22-Nov-19 22:30:03

Do you mind that he takes coke?

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:30:37

I'm really upset because I always come second to the drink. In the past he would ruin our plans by going out and being too rough to carry them out. This was something we have been working on.
It's not a case of "let him go out" I told him tomorrow is cancelled so he can carry on and do as he pleases as he's left me feeling he didn't want to spend the day out with me and I'm not controlling so would never tell him "you can't go out".
I fell asleep and he's here in bed next to me snoring his head off so I guess he's made some effort and stayed in.
When I say he goes out with out a word, he will go out and I will have no contact from him and he doesn't return home. Again he's not done that to me for a little while now. It's not about trust, it's about giving me some consideration & respect.

HuntingCuns Fri 22-Nov-19 22:33:16

OP:

To take your points in order:

It's not on for him not to contact you for 12+ hours, whatever the reason.
I would worry about this, too.

Anyway, things have been going great. We'd planned a Christmas shopping trip to a nearby city for tomorrow, we have been looking forward to it all week.

Are you sure this is plural? I don't know a man in the universe would would genuinely be looking forward to a shopping trip.

Earlier today one of his mates who he always disappears with calls him and ask him out for a few pints (can I just add these men have ZERO control and I've never known them to have just a few, it's always an absolute skin full and then some) ... So he comes home and asks me if I wanted to go for a drink with him and these mates .....

As above. Though if he's a piss artist, that's a different issue from him (reasonably) not really liking shopping.

I've kicked off for the following reasons....

Unreasonable to "kick off". What do you mean by this?

1) I believe he's only asked me knowing I'd say no and tell him to go. They drink in a grotty shit hole of a pub, full of coke heads! Entirely not my scene and he NEVER asks me out with them.

Sounds crap, and he shouldn't be getting pissed with a load of coke heads (though why are you with someone who socialises with coke heads?)

2) The children are with their dad this weekend, so we had BOTH planned a lovely day tomorrow, a nice meal, get the kids (mine from a previous relationship) Xmas present sorted which he thoroughly enjoys doing

No, he probably doesn't enjoy this. You do, but they are not his children - and even if they were, he probably wouldn't genuinely enjoy this. He is a man.

and spending some quality time out and about together.

You and he are on different planets about "quality time".

When he drinks the next 2 days are completely written off as he's tired, rough, moody and lazy..

No: this is who he is. You need a man who is more like a woman, really, if 'who he is' isn't your thing (it absolutely wouldn't be mine!)

I'm laying

Lying!! Not laying

here wondering if I have overreacted. I'm due on my period tomorrow and my hormones do send my mind bat shit crazy.

Don't make excuses. Your partner shouldn't be out on the piss with a bunch of coke-heads. However, you shouldn't think he likes shopping for your DC.

AIBU to have kicked off over him asking me to go for a drink with them? Even though I strongly believe he had no intention of me joining them 😬

YABU for "kicking off". You need to act like an adult, and communicate like an adult (though it sounds as if your partner communicates like a child, too). This is all very teenage.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:33:27

He's assured me that he does not take coke and I do believe him.

BellyButton85 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:36:06

@Havaina why thank you. You need to get out more though. If they don't have children together there's no reason he has to be home 'early'. As long as he isn't cheating and taking drugs then he's an adult and can drink for 12 hours if he wishes.
Might I make it clear though OP that I would also be cross. I'm just saying that it's his right to do so if he wishes, he's an adult, not necessarily an alcoholic like some drama Queens on here might suggest unless you know different

Wolfiefan Fri 22-Nov-19 22:36:39

So he’s just a drunk then? Aim higher OP. He puts drink first.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:37:13

And with regards to the shopping trip ... it was to Smyths Toy Super Store and then onto have lunch followed by a cocktail or two (we are taking the car) ... He suggested it. So I've not forced him into anything!

Havaina Fri 22-Nov-19 22:45:17

@BellyButton85 ‘adults’ don’t get drunk the night before a planned day out that HE suggested, which means he will be ‘tired, rough, moody, lazy’ (in OP’s words) for the next 2 days.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight Fri 22-Nov-19 22:47:39

Since he stayed in, are you going to go ahead with your plans for tomorrow? I'm not sure how it turned into a massive argument if he said 'do you want to come to the pub?' You said, 'no because we're going out tomorrow so we can't go the pub tonight' and then he stayed home.

You're not his mum so don't get caught in the role of responsible adult in the relationship. But, equally, it's perfectly fine to have boundaries and say 'this isn't acceptable and I'm not happy with it'. You can say that without it turning into an argument and confrontation.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:50:12

@BellyButton85 I've never said he needs to be "home early" just a simple text informing me that he will not be home or he's ok or goodnight would be nice. He KNOWS I worry and we have the same argument about it. If I did it to him there would be hell! But I couldn't possibly disappear for 12+ hours on a night out so that's irrelevant.

letsdolunch321 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:52:04

As he has stayed in tonight, tomorrow I would go out for the day and tell him you really appreciated him not going out tonight. I find telling my dp the things you appreciate gets a good reaction.

Wishing you a good day tomorrow.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 22:53:16

@ThatsMeInTheSpotlight it turned into an argument because of our past with him and alcohol ruining our plans. Maybe I should have put more of the back story in my OP but we are trying to move forward from our past so didn't bother.

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 23:00:12

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, even if you do think I was BU.

He knows if he drinks, nothing in this world can make him get up and get out the next day, so I can only assume he changed his mind and didn't want to tell me in the adult way. I'm going to ask my mum to join me tomorrow or go alone.

For those that have suggested he may have a drink problem, I do agree and have had this conversation with him before. Obviously we have a back story which I didn't disclose in my OP.

DishingOutDone Fri 22-Nov-19 23:07:17

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, even if you do think I was BU - but only one person said you were BU and they didn't seem like the most reliable witness. Everyone else has been pretty disparaging about your relationship - only you can know if its going to work out going forward from this.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:17:00

He sounds like a binge drinker OP, once he starts he stays til he drops..

I hope you're both ale to go tomorrow.. flowers

Crinkle77 Fri 22-Nov-19 23:25:36

Sorry OP but the staying out 12 hours and 2 day hangovers are a classic sign of coke use. He'll be up all night partying and then will be totally wrecked so obviously won't want to speak too you cos he's off his head.

RolytheRhino Sat 23-Nov-19 06:59:37

I'd go out with him today if he still wants to come. Otherwise you've been fairly unreasonable to my mind- he changed his mind in response to your being upset, only for you to be upset with him anyway.

troutknickers Sat 23-Nov-19 07:07:21

I don't understand, he stayed in so why would you go alone or ask your mum? Seems like you're asking for an argument there

adaline Sat 23-Nov-19 07:23:16

Why did it have to cause an argument?

He asked if you wanted to go out, you said no because of the plans you'd both made and he stayed home. So where's the issue?

I understand he has history (and staying out for 12 hours and being hungover for two days screams coke use to me) but on this particular occasion I don't think he did anything wrong.

I hope you manage to salvage your weekend but please have a think about whether you really want to stay in this relationship.

Beautiful3 Sat 23-Nov-19 07:27:41

Yes he is unreasonable to go want to go out drinking tonight, when he planned a nice day out with you tomorrow. He cant cancel tomorrow because a better offer came along.

Dontdisturbmenow Sat 23-Nov-19 07:35:03

It sounds like there are deeper issues than him going out to drink before a night out. What it comes down to is that you are in different places in your relationship. He is happy to be with you, but still wants to act like a non committed guy, going out to drink with his friends on a Friday night without having to control himself because of responsibilities the next day.

You want him to act like a committed partner and parent. He probably pretended to be as happy as you to go out today to make you happy, the truth is that he is probably not half as excited as you to be going to buy presents for your kids. If he truly looked forward as much as you think, he wouldn't have contemplated getting smashed.

The more you try to mould him to the committed partner you want him to be now, the more he will act to remind himself that he hasn't made these vows yet and should still be able to enjoy life as a man who isn't a family man yet.

BlackSwanGreen Sat 23-Nov-19 07:38:04

It's good that he didn't go out OP. It sounds like he is listening to you. I hope you have a lovely day out today, then maybe have a chat later about how to deal with these situations when they arise in future. Perhaps you can both agree on some ground rules? (Eg he texts you if he's going to be out later than a certain time, he doesn't go out and get wrecked if you have something nice planned for the next day, you agree not to moan as long as he sticks to that).

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 23-Nov-19 07:43:18

I get it. My dh is like this. He’s so much better these days - since he reached 50. I would also have difficulty in keeping my cool had I been manipulated in this way.

AlwaysCheddar Sat 23-Nov-19 07:47:55

Is this how you want your life to be? Get rid of him.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre Sat 23-Nov-19 08:13:36

I think it can be difficult for people who are not in a relationship with someone who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol to understand the nuances. On the face of it he should be able to go out at the weekend with his friends and get drunk if he so wishes.

But, where it becomes a problem is if it regularly interferes with his life and relationship. And regularly wiping out two days post drinking session due to being tired, hungover and grumpy most certainly IS a problem. Out of 7 days, 3 are lost to drink. That's a problem when it's a regular occurrence.

People without a drink problem don’t let alcohol affect their relationships or argue over it.

This. This a thousand times. If you don't have a problem drinking isn't a problem. And people who don't live with a problem drinker don't fully understand how much of an affect it has.

He stayed in last night. That's good, but if the next time he goes out he gets shitfaced, doesn't come home and then looses the rest of the weekend to it you know he's not ACTUALLY making any effort, he's just appeasing you at the moment.

And, from experience, I don't know anyone who hangs around drinking with cokeheads all night who is not a cokehead themselves.

noworlater13 Sat 23-Nov-19 08:16:06

Do you see how much your explaining your reaction to his terrible actions.
He promised this and that. But then he carries on the bad behaviour he knows you hate.
The offering to go shopping and he actually stand in, shows that he cares and you overreacted. Is the end to this situation which is false.
He cares for you but no above his needs and as time goes on he will get worse and he will continue to be disrespectful to you.
Not sure how long you've been together, but when someone continue to something that is bad that the other person doesn't like that are showing you how they see you.

Beveren Sat 23-Nov-19 08:16:41

If I did it to him there would be hell!

Try it, to show him what it's like - plan to stay over at your mum's or a friend's but don't tell him.

But why are you planning to go out with your mum or on your own if he stayed in last night?

katewhinesalot Sat 23-Nov-19 08:27:35

He didn't go. Go out tomorrow with him. Have a nice time with him.

Show him that it was the right decision not to go out. The alternative is for this to blow up and he won't make that choice next time.

If there are deeper issues or you feel you are flogging a dead horse then obviously you need to address that, but not appreciating him not going out is not going to be positive for successfully going forward.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 08:45:46

Hopefully since he didn't go out yesterday you'll be able to have your planned day today.

But I'd be on the look out for it happening again.

Also, don't let him act as if he's done a great favour-he hasn't.

He's available for a planned day out!

doodleygirl Sat 23-Nov-19 08:55:09

I understand OP, my ex was the same. He is a good guy but was unable to go to the pub for a couple of drinks. For years he would promise, only going for a couple, it ruined so many events and the anxiety I had wondering what state he would be in was off the scale.

That’s why he is my ex. It’s no way to live.

Appreciateyourthoughts Sat 23-Nov-19 09:12:50

People keep asking:

"why am I not going shopping with him today, since he stayed in"

Because the fact of the matter is that if he truly wanted to spend the day with me which was originally HIS idea, then we wouldn't be in this situation, so I don't want him to feel as though he has to come. My anxiety couldn't cope with being with him all day feeling like he'd rather be elsewhere.

I certainly don't think I should praise him for staying in. I repeat it was HIM that originally suggested our day together so therefore him staying in shouldn't be rewarded.

He's not speaking to me this morning.

Thingsdogetbetter Sat 23-Nov-19 09:15:47

I realised my exh actually engineered arguments so he could storm off and get drunk. That way he could justify it to himself and blame me. The day i realized that was the beginning of the end.

He too was/is a lovely, generous, funny, loving man. But booze was his first love. It always won eventually. He's now separated from his 2nd wife, has lost a leg to alcohol related illness and is still holding court as 'great guy' in the pub, albeit in a wheelchair.

I've watched, from the sidelines thank god, as his drinking got worse and worse. I've watch his wife and real friends (as opposed to drinking buddies) struggle to accept that the booze will ALWAYS win. They struggle to accept that he's a harden alcoholic who is drinking himself to death - because he's a great guy when sober and fun when drunk. They too are in denial. Their denial enables him. Their denial means his young children get to hang out with daddy in a wheelchair down the pub because he's a 'great guy', just a bit of a boozer.

katewhinesalot Sat 23-Nov-19 09:19:00

So why isn't he speaking to you?

MrsAJ27 Sat 23-Nov-19 09:22:08

I don't understand why you don't/can't communicate properly.

Just have a conversation like adults.

Also you saying you are not rewarding him for staying in does sound a little bit controlling.

Do you actually want to be in a relationship with him?

MrsAJ27 Sat 23-Nov-19 09:23:11

I don't understand why you don't/can't communicate properly.

Just have a conversation like adults.

Also you saying you are not rewarding him for staying in does sound a little bit controlling.

Do you actually want to be in a relationship with him?

Appreciateyourthoughts Sat 23-Nov-19 09:30:28

@MrsAJ27 how on earth does that sound controlling? So I should be happy that he didn't vanish on a 12+ hour bender? I should be grateful he stayed in as we had made plans for today?
I've been downstairs, sat next to him and asked if we can talk this through please. He ignored me! How am I controlling!

Appreciateyourthoughts Sat 23-Nov-19 09:32:20

@katewhinesalot clearly still sulking. I can guarantee it, that the second I walk out the door, I'll have a text message the size of an essay from him. He's rubbish at talking about things unless it suits him.

Quartz2208 Sat 23-Nov-19 09:33:28

I think he wanted you to say it was ok and he didnt have to because he didnt want to be the bad guy. When you didnt enter that narrative he made you the bad guy anyway

2 days off after drinking is a hell of a lot. Do you really want this attitude to drinking being around your children?

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 09:35:09

So why not speaking?

I don't understand why you aren't just up & out!

But really if you know that you will come second to his drinking, wat's the point?

Encyclo Sat 23-Nov-19 09:40:51

I'd just go out OP. Leave home to stew.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre Sat 23-Nov-19 09:47:53

He's sulking because you didn't "allow" him to go out last night.

I'm sure if he hadn't an unhealthy relationship with drink then you wouldn't have posted here last night. It's difficult for people who don't have the experiences you've had to understand how damaging drink can be in a relationship.

You're wasting your time trying to explain to people who simply don't understand. They'll never understand unless they find themselves in a relationship with someone similar.

You did nothing wrong OP. An addict is expert at making themselves out to be the victim. It's always someone else's fault. If drinking wasn't an issue for him he wouldn't be sulking the next morning about not going out the night before.

HazySunsets Sat 23-Nov-19 09:50:57

I think you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face a bit by not going out with him today now tbh. And I would be a bit pissed off if I was him as he DIDN’T go out (I’m not and no one else is saying you should be grateful about that) but the fact is, he didn’t go out, he’s not hungover so it’s a bit of a waste to not now go on the day out you had planned. Can’t see how not doing it would make things better in the future tbh as he’s probably thinking he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t so he may as well just do it!

But, as an aside this relationship sounds like a total disaster. I’m not sure how old you are but if you’re anything above mid 20’s then being with someone who goes out for 12 hours drinking and taking coke with a load of cokeheads and doesn’t come home is just ridiculous. Get rid and find yourself a grown up. And this is coming from someone who loves a good drinking sesh at the weekends (though not every weekend) but I would never not keep in contact with my partner and I certainly don’t hang around with a load of coke heads. Just all sounds v juvenile and you don’t sound compatible long term.

ohwheniknow Sat 23-Nov-19 09:51:34

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

katewhinesalot Sat 23-Nov-19 09:54:55

So then you have no choice to exit this relationship unless you are prepared to stand back and accommodate his excessive drinking - and do it happily.
Yes, he stayed in but if he's giving you grief for "having to stay in" then what is the point?

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 09:55:05

" he didn’t go out, he’s not hungover so it’s a bit of a waste to not now go on the day out you had planned."

But he's not speaking to Op!

I think that you should be making plans to leave, seems an awful way to live.

AloeVeraLynn Sat 23-Nov-19 09:57:47

This is just not a good relationship. You're both behaving like teenagers.

katewhinesalot Sat 23-Nov-19 09:58:03

Or is he not talking to you because he's not gone out and you are still giving him grief and after now refusing to go out?

Does he feel there is any point discussing it as you won't let it go and the day is ruined anyway?

It's difficult tio tell as we don't know the dynamics of everyday life.

Appreciateyourthoughts Sat 23-Nov-19 10:00:28

@HazySunsets but he's not speaking to me! I sat next to him, asked if we could talk and he ignored me! So how am I "cutting off my nose to spite my face"??

mummmy2017 Sat 23-Nov-19 10:01:52

He said about going out.
You said no, he stayed home.
You sulked in your bedroom.
He could have slept on the sofa bit he came to bed.
You cancelled the day out.
This bloke can't win, even when he does stay home.
He won't see it like you do, to him you can't be pleased.
You catch more flys with honey than vinegar.

TowelNumber42 Sat 23-Nov-19 10:05:11

Boyfriends are supposed to be fun. This sounds depressing and grim.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 10:11:03

Why did you ask him to talk though?

Why not just get on with the day?

Tooner Sat 23-Nov-19 10:15:41

He's a twat. He didn't go out because he knew you would be really annoyed if he did and now he's gone in a big huff because he really wanted to go out and you spoilt it for him.

He's pathetic. Any normal person would just get over it and enjoy the day you had planned that he suggested.

I really don't think he is worth all this anguish OP. As long as he has the same mates and the same desire to go out and get rat arsed then nit coming home for hours then things are not going to get better long term.

SouthernComforts Sat 23-Nov-19 10:18:19

This sounds miserable OP. If you call it a day with this one, you will give yourself a chance to meet someone you are compatible with, and threads like this will make you think wtf was I ever doing with him.

It's not working, you aren't happy. Don't waste your life trying to force/nag/argue him into being just decent enough sometimes to stay with.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 10:31:14

" he really wanted to go out and you spoilt it for him."

Well that's the thing isn't it?

If he wasn't so dependent on alcohol, he could have gone out last night & been fit enough to go out today!

rainbowstardrops Sat 23-Nov-19 10:44:02

Leave him to his sulking.

diddl Sat 23-Nov-19 10:46:59

*"Leave him to his sulking."

Or just leave him?

NearlyGranny Sat 23-Nov-19 10:59:19

He may see it as you spoiling his night out so he retaliate by spoiling the joint day out he planned.

Stalemate. He's a sulky non-communicator and no fuun at all!

BumbleBeee69 Sat 23-Nov-19 13:11:13

He sounds like a right childish pratt OP.

EleanorShellstrop100 Sat 23-Nov-19 13:45:45

Just sounds like you’re incompatible. I’d call it a day because either you’ll keep asking him to stay in and he will end up resenting you or he will keep asking to go out and you’ll end up having this argument over and over.

yuiop Sat 23-Nov-19 20:40:17

I honestly don't know why you're with this guy. I'd have dumped him a long time ago. He's not an adult, he's a childish knob and I wouldn't have him near kids.

Havaina Sat 23-Nov-19 20:51:34

What happened in the end OP?

I hope you went without him.

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