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Am I the Arsehole here?.....

(90 Posts)
Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 20:56:38

I'm in bed, bf is downstairs after a massive argument earlier.
We are working things out as our relationship has been very rocky for months. He has a tendency to go out on the piss, not return home and not contact me for 12+ hours. He knows I worry due to previous relationship and let's be honest here, who wouldn't?

Anyway, things have been going great. We'd planned a Christmas shopping trip to a nearby city for tomorrow, we have been looking forward to it all week. Earlier today one of his mates who he always disappears with calls him and ask him out for a few pints (can I just add these men have ZERO control and I've never known them to have just a few, it's always an absolute skin full and then some) ... So he comes home and asks me if I wanted to go for a drink with him and these mates ..... I've kicked off for the following reasons....

1) I believe he's only asked me knowing I'd say no and tell him to go. They drink in a grotty shit hole of a pub, full of coke heads! Entirely not my scene and he NEVER asks me out with them.

2) The children are with their dad this weekend, so we had BOTH planned a lovely day tomorrow, a nice meal, get the kids (mine from a previous relationship) Xmas present sorted which he thoroughly enjoys doing and spending some quality time out and about together.
When he drinks the next 2 days are completely written off as he's tired, rough, moody and lazy..

I'm laying here wondering if I have overreacted. I'm due on my period tomorrow and my hormones do send my mind bat shit crazy.

AIBU to have kicked off over him asking me to go for a drink with them? Even though I strongly believe he had no intention of me joining them 😬

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 22-Nov-19 20:59:00

You’re not an arsehole and you’re not crazy. He’s got a drinking problem and he’s not going to change.

cees Fri 22-Nov-19 20:59:32

He has form, I wouldn't be happy with him either. Yanbu

RolytheRhino Fri 22-Nov-19 20:59:48

I don't think so, no. He had plans, going out drinking would've interfered with them. He should have realised this all on his own and not left you to be the bad guy.

littlepaddypaws Fri 22-Nov-19 21:00:13

not really sure why you are with this guy tbh, he sounds a dead loss.

Longfacenow Fri 22-Nov-19 21:04:57

If your relationship was otherwise good and this pub wasn't full of druggies, then I'd say it could be he is trying to make an effort based on your previous conversations.

But taking everything you have posted above at face value, I am wondering whether he has a drinking problem and isn't getting help or likely to at this current stage in his life.

Are you happy with him? Would he go for substance misuse support?

theEnglishInPatient Fri 22-Nov-19 21:05:31

your partner should be looking forward to spending time with you. Sorry, but it's as simple as that. If he is not, then you do have a problem. I could not be with someone treating me as second best.
Does this relationship make you happy and more confident?

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 21:13:31

Thank you for your replies.
When we are good, we are very happy. He's a very loving, caring and generous man. Will do anything for me and my boys, gives us the best without us even asking him for it ..... BUT..... & its a big BUT when it comes to the drink he is very selfish! Because of him going out and basically making me feel ... 'Out of sight, out of mind' ... I now have terrible anxiety every time he goes for a drink, which does always cause an argument. But today he was trying to keep me happy by inviting me! I'm no fool.
Usually after an argument like this he goes off on a bender and blames me for it. But tonight he's still downstairs, I've heard him talking on the phone to his mates in the pub, yet he's still here? Is he making an effort? It's so confusing 🤯

Barbie222 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:14:18

He sounds miserable, however I wonder if he was really looking forward to a day of Christmas shopping for your kids. He doesn't sound the type! To be fair he did invite you along to the evening. Maybe he feels the same about shopping as you do about the night out but didn't want to say!

Appreciateyourthoughts Fri 22-Nov-19 21:16:30

Barbie22 he suggested the shopping trip originally... I usually wait until the second weekend in December but he said it would be nice tomorrow 😔

diddl Fri 22-Nov-19 21:24:19

If he was making an effort, wouldn't he just have told his mates that he couldn't make it & be spending time with you?

There's still plenty of time for him to o out & get wasted!

AngelicInnocent Fri 22-Nov-19 21:32:24

Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable telling these friends no and wanted you to be the bad guy. Not great but it may be he is trying to make an effort.

Wolfiefan Fri 22-Nov-19 21:35:27

His primary relationship is with alcohol.
He isn’t loving, caring and generous. He’s selfish and cares more about drink than anything else.

billy1966 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:37:39

OP, life with a partner who is an alcoholic, even a functioning one is misery.

Even if they are lovely in between drinking bouts.

You know this.

Is this the life you want?

💐

Apileofballyhoo Fri 22-Nov-19 21:41:59

Oh OP, I'm sorry this is your life.

Peasplease21 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:45:41

Some of these replies are HARSH!

OP, I believe you have a good relationship! Don't let posters on here rile you up into believing you don't.

I think he was a bit unreasonable for asking, and you MAY have been a bit OTT in your response (definitely not BU for saying no, just if you're feeling guilty perhaps you reacted more strongly than was necessary).

I would suggest going downstairs and tell him you were only cross because you want to have a nice time together. he answer still, most definitey, being no.

Open a bottle of wine and watch a movie - your nice weekend starts here.

Bluntness100 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:45:48

Some drama on here, calling him an alkie etc.

Op it's always better to give your message calmly, but your message was fair enough, it was ok to be annoyed,

Please don't blame your hormones for your behaviour thought that gives all women a bad name,

Wolfiefan Fri 22-Nov-19 21:50:55

No normal person regularly goes out and gets so shitfaced that they don’t make it home. People without a drink problem don’t let alcohol affect their relationships or argue over it.

namechange4052 Fri 22-Nov-19 21:51:02

Alcohol problems or not, he's clearly a selfish man who doesn't prioritise you when he's drinking with his mates because it wipes out a whole weekend. If you hadn't kicked off, he would have gone out all night and possibly have been too hungover tomorrow and ruined the nice day that you had looked forward to so much. If he really cared, he wouldn't keep letting you down.

guiltyofa Fri 22-Nov-19 21:58:10

When you say he doesn't return home, do you mean he stays out all night?

Does he take coke himself? The 2 day hangover/being miserable makes me wonder...

You also sound like you don't trust him. Does that play a part in how you feel about this too?

I'm torn. I don't think everyone who goes out drinking has a drink problem. Many people like a few drinks sometimes. And to me, he's invited you so he's happy for you to join him. Your plans are for tomorrow, not tonight. I think Y Might BU depending on answers to previous questions.

guiltyofa Fri 22-Nov-19 21:59:11

And also, by the sounds of it, you've expressed you're unhappy about it and he hasn't gone to the pub after all. So he has taken what you've said on board.

Longfacenow Fri 22-Nov-19 22:01:41

I think as he's still there go downstairs and talk to him.

It isn't normal to go on a bender and not come home in my world. I think you deserve better than that. But he hasn't done that tonight, maybe he is trying?

Wonkybanana Fri 22-Nov-19 22:01:45

If he's still there, although you might not feel like it go down and talk to him. Don't give him the chance to say well you were upstairs sulking so he might as well go out.

Havaina Fri 22-Nov-19 22:03:13

Well done for telling him you’re not happy with this. Sounds like he knows tomorrow will be a write off if he goes?

Mamabear1988 Fri 22-Nov-19 22:03:17

I guess I'd wait and see what tomorrow brings. If he doesn't get up, go by yourself. Don't wait around for him.

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