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To leave, step dad/DD

(173 Posts)
pissedoff19 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:19:33

Sorry this is a bit long! Name changed for this.

My DD 12 and my partner of 5 years don't get on, well they can be the best of friends then at each others throats 20minutes later, this has always been a bit of a issue but it's getting worse.

OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone. He can be very much on her back about little things, making a huge deal about things like, leaving a light on, been too loud etc, things that just happen when you have DC, where I am so much more laid back as a parent and feel these are non issues in the grand scheme of things, or if they need a reminder to do it gently rather than have a go. I want to get on with my children, not be that shitty parent constantly shouting at their kids.

DD can talk the same way back to him though, usually they are as bad as each other, but my argument is, she is the child, he is the adult/parent, and she's obviously learnt it from somewhere! She is also going through the thick of puberty so I expect some mood/lip from her and I can happily chalk it up to that, him on the other hand blows up about it.

Last night, it all blew up because she gave him some lip about going to bed (I was sorting out ill DS so don't know exactly what happened) usual argument from a kid in my eyes, well he kicked off big time, snatched a book she was reading out of her hands and told her to fuck off, DD is left in tears, shout him to come take over with DS and I can sort DD. He came in with a face of thunder telling me he's had enough and he's leaving us all, I flipped and kicked him out of the house. He's gone to his mum, within 30 mins I'm having messages saying he's sorry and I'm right.

I'm sick to fuck of all of this, when we all get on its great, I love him to bits and I know he loves us, but there's always this issue in the background, I always feel on edge when that the next argument it's going to start, it can be ok for months then blow up. I can only see it getting worse when DD is older and the inevitable teenage mood swings/problems start.
DS is still a toddler but I can see it been the same with him and all I can see is a life time of playing referee.

Is this just the way step parenting is? I never got on with my step dad, and friends I've spoken to have said the same. But this isn't sitting right with me and I feel like I am damaging my children letting this go on.

Marshmallow91 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:27:53

Absolutely not normal. He has repeatedly overstepped the mark and if it were you I'd be packing his things today for him to come and collect. Its not fair on you, most most of all your children. You have to keep them safe and out of a toxic environment like this.

JasonPollack Thu 21-Nov-19 10:30:24

Please chose your daughter. This will not get better, she will leave home as early as possible and not visit you. Speaking from experience here!

Gruzinkerbell1 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:30:42

He told your 12 year old child to fuck off. That would be it for me. What a vile bully.

RollOnNextYear Thu 21-Nov-19 10:32:30

It will only get worse.
My ex.. Not ds dad was like this with ds. Luckily we didn't live together but spend lots of time at eachothers houses. He couldn't accept ds wasn't his.. But also didn't want kids. Hated having no authority over ds etc

Mt now dh and ds clash occasionally. But I do the whole.. That's what some teens are like. Just lighten up over silly things even his parents tell. Him he was the same as a kid. But if he ever told him to fuck off. He'd be gone

DriftingLeaves Thu 21-Nov-19 10:34:35

Get him out. Protect your child.

finn1020 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:34:49

No it’s not an acceptable trait in a step parent or parent. I’m in a blended family situation with teens and there’s no way my partner or myself would do that.

He is the adult and it’s not fair on your DD. It’s up to you if you feel the relationship is salvageable but I think if you continue to live together when he’s like that, it will damage your own relationship with your daughter.

Live apart and stay with him if you must, but he should not be allowed to be in a position where he has parental authority over your DD.

QueenofallIsee Thu 21-Nov-19 10:36:21

You have done the right thing. I have 4 kids and the younger 3s father has been a step father to my daughter since she was 3. He had never been aggressive or violent and intimidating to her so it’s nothing to do with being a step parent.

Adults get it wrong - I remember with shame a stand up row I had with one of my sons when he was 12 ish, i think that I did in fact snatch a book from his hand. I lost all perspective and reason and am still heartily ashamed of myself. That was however a one off, many apologies were made and it had never happened before or has happened since - the issue here is that this is ongoing and getting worse.

recklessruby Thu 21-Nov-19 10:37:40

Sounds like he s the problem if he has a general shitty attitude to everyone!
I agree with pp you dont lose it like that and shout at a 12 year old to fuck off!
Bigger battles than bedtime will be fought throughout the teen years and everyone needs to be on the same page (parents etc).
He sounds really immature. Is he ds dad?
Coz he might like to know that sweet little boys grow up into moody teens too so your poor dd doesnt need to be the scapegoat.
I say chuck him out.

Slappadabass Thu 21-Nov-19 10:38:51

I posted with paragraphs but it's just one big text angry

This is the first time he has told her to fuck off, I am fuming. I'm not proud but I went mad last night, after he swore and her then said he was leaving us all, ofcorse DD heard, he left and she laid in bed with me saying how sad she is, but she loves him, it broke my heart. And I feel like I'm sending her the wrong message, that a man treats you like shit but you stay anyway, that isn't what I want her to think. I really need to nip this in the bud before it gets worse, before I met OH I was a single mum for years, me and DD are incredibly close and I don't want that to ever change.

He can be lovely, he just has this side to him that can't deal with stress. He's like it with any kind of stress, he blows up, he's like it with money, he obviously has issues. These issues to me are just life, people have kids with attitude, sometimes people are a bit skint, but in his eyes, it's like it's the end of the world.

carolinelucaseshandbag Thu 21-Nov-19 10:39:23

Is he your DS's dad?

You need to move him out. He's treating your daughter really badly, and you are fully aware of it. Of course she's going to retaliate. If you let him back in, he'll carry on, and your daughter will eventually leave and never look back. Your relationship with her will be destroyed.

You also need to make it absolutely clear to your DD that him going is NOT her fault.

It's hard OP, but you know the right thing to do thanksthanks

Whattodoabout Thu 21-Nov-19 10:40:27

My Stepdad growing up was like this, he was an abusive bully and it really affected my relationship with my Mum. As a teenager I avoided going home a lot because I just hated him, I used to dread him coming home from work. He used to always bitch about lights being left on, me using ‘too much’ toilet roll and he also would count the biscuits in a pack and blame me if one had been eaten hmm. It’s no way to live at all. Get rid of him before it destroys your DD.

carolinelucaseshandbag Thu 21-Nov-19 10:40:49

Name change fail, OP blush

lotsofstripes Thu 21-Nov-19 10:41:24

Please, please, please don’t let this man back into your home. Don’t let your DD think that this is normal, forgivable behaviour.

flowers for you OP as I know that ‘when it’s good it’s really really good’ makes it so hard to end things. But I think you know what you need to do

Slappadabass Thu 21-Nov-19 10:45:37

Yes he is my youngest dad, he is different with him. But he's only two. I don't know wether he's different because he's only little, or because he is his own. He swears it's not because he is his, and he loves them both the same.

I do think he loves my DD, he can be very sweet with her, he took up a hobby with her to try get them to be closer, he has made a conscious effort to stop this situation, but after a while it happens again, he pays more towards her than her actual dad ever has, he will happily kit her out with clothes, buy her bday/Xmas presents etc. He's not all bad, it's like he just can't deal with day to day life and blows up when he feels stressed.

I'm not blind to it, it just confuses me how he can be so incredibly kind and loving but be so horrible at the same time.

Dillydallyingthrough Thu 21-Nov-19 10:45:40

He told your DD to fuck off? Sorry OP but I cant believe you are questioning him leaving, he is harming your DD by bullying her in her own home.

My DD is 15 so right in the midst of teen hormones and back chat but she gets along with my DP really well. I had very strong boundaries about how he could speak to her very early on. He doesn't tend to discipline her if I'm around, but occasionally has said something about tone if I'm out of earshot and tbh it's so rare it shocks her into behaving! But there is no way my DP would consider swearing at my DD and if he ever did he knows he would be gone immediately without question.

Please leave for your DC, otherwise your DD will grow up thinking this is acceptable way to be treated and your DS will think it's ok to behave like this. Please protect your DC and their mental health.

Fairycake2 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:46:03

My DH has just left me because he doesn't want to be a step parent and can't stand my DD! Am devastated but trying to focus on her and how this would have affected her as she got older (she's 9 at the moment). He was never horrible but had recently taken to ignoring her which is almost as bad. Sounds like hes got some issues. Would he try counselling? Ultimately you've got to do what's right for your children and if he wont change that could well mean leaving. You don't want to ruin your relationship with your DD

blackteasplease Thu 21-Nov-19 10:46:29

He sounds exactly like my exh. And yes it’s one of the reasons he’s an ex.

Now we just have constant problems when my dd (11) goes for contact and periods of her refusing to go. If he carries on she’ll refuse to go full stop soon. I have a younger ds and I think he’s better with him (both kids are his so it’s not a step dad thing) but this may change when he’s older.

Is your ds his? Sadly you’ll have to bugger about dealing with contact with a man like this but it’s better than having him in your home by a country mile!

blackteasplease Thu 21-Nov-19 10:48:17

X post re your ds, but the rest of your new post still sounds exactly like my exh.

GettingABitDesperateNow Thu 21-Nov-19 10:48:56

I think if you stay with him, she will end up with a partner when she is older that's aggressive towards her, snatches things off her and swears at her routinely

HouseworkAvoider10 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:51:24

You need to choose OP.
the pair of trousers, or your daughter.
surely you don't need to be told.

Whichoneofyoudidthat Thu 21-Nov-19 10:54:10

My stepfather was like that. I was constantly on eggshells. Good on your daughter for standing up for herself! If I could go back in time I would.

He won’t change though.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 21-Nov-19 10:55:57

He told a 12 year old child to fuck off.

No, this is not normal. Please protect your DD. He sounds horrible.

Do not let him come back.

Dontlikeoranges Thu 21-Nov-19 10:58:09

My ex had anger issues like this. I am SO glad I kicked him out. (Thanks in part to advice from AIBU people!) No. This is not how it should be.

Slappadabass Thu 21-Nov-19 10:58:47

He always gets me with the apologies and promises. I needed a kick up my arse to make me stick to my guns. I knew I would get that here.

I've been a single mum before, so I know I can do it. I just feel like I'm failing as a mum, especially to my DD. I left her dad, now I'm leaving her step-dad, I feel like I'm just one big fuck up that can't get anything right.

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