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...to think I am a bridesmaid?

(196 Posts)
chouflour Wed 20-Nov-19 23:04:36

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

StillCoughingandLaughing Wed 20-Nov-19 23:12:52

You’re only a bridesmaid if she has asked ‘Will you be my bridesmaid?’ and you said ‘Yes’. There is no obligation to walk down the aisle or do it in navy. I personally think asking you to wear certain clothes to match the wedding party is a bit over the top, but that’s all she’s doing - asking. Why can’t you say no?

chouflour Wed 20-Nov-19 23:16:17

I should have said. I offered to walk the kids down the aisle wearing outfit of my choice (fine for kids to be in her colour scheme!) and she said she didn’t want that aesthetic.

00100001 Wed 20-Nov-19 23:21:49

you're not a bridesmaid.
you're a supervisor of small children.

Thehop Wed 20-Nov-19 23:24:07

Not a bridesmaid

But therefore not obliged to get ready with them which is tedious

GreenTulips Wed 20-Nov-19 23:24:54

A supervisors made to match the bridal party but not actually in the bridal party

If you have to fly all the way to Canada - I fail to see why you can’t get a dinner invite - that’s extremely rude

Majorcollywobble Wed 20-Nov-19 23:28:52

It’s a bit peculiar to say the least .I can understand not belong invited to the rehearsal dinner as it might be a bit late for the children .
The idea that you have to get all gussied up in long navy dresses for a walk down the aisle with the DC which may never happen if they don’t co-operate or are too tired on the day is more than an aesthetic- it’s pathetic .
Presumably you’ll be part of all the festivities Including walking down the aisle to take your place in church ? And the reception ?

bridgetreilly Wed 20-Nov-19 23:30:08

Well, obviously you aren't a bridesmaid. I don't get why you would think you are. Your kid is going to walk down the aisle, but because they are very little, they need a responsible adult to help. That's your role.

I think it's a bit weird of her to tell you what colour to wear for your role, and you certainly don't need to listen to her about where to get ready. You just say politely that you will make sure your daughter is at the wedding venue, in her outfit, in plenty of time.

Palavah Wed 20-Nov-19 23:33:31

I'm more surprised that as the sister of the groom and out-of-town guests you're not invited to the rehearsal dinner regardless of whether or not you have an official role in the ceremony.
Is it the label that you're concerned about?

stayathomer Wed 20-Nov-19 23:37:46

I'm sorry, I agree you're not the bridesmaid, but yanbu. I'm eye rolling at the bridezilla for you btw

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 20-Nov-19 23:40:46

Jesus, excluding the groom's siblings from the rehearsal dinner after they've flown to canada from the UK is classless in the extreme. Although I agree with pps that you aren't actually bridesmaids, more supervisors of small cute people, not being at any of the main wedding 'events' given the relationship and distance is very poor indeed.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 20-Nov-19 23:40:53

Not a bridesmaid. Also not clear on why you think you are.

GreenTulips Wed 20-Nov-19 23:45:09

The title is irrelevant to the rudeness of your brother and SIL to be

Nanny0gg Wed 20-Nov-19 23:47:42

Your children are being requested to look pretty/cute in the photos.

I'd decline.

Celticrose Wed 20-Nov-19 23:48:00

I was at a rehearsal dinner last year with my Dh. I am a close relative of the groom but I was not part of the bridal party. Other close relatives were there also not in the bridal party plus small children. What she is doing is not how rehearsal dinners work. They are also for close family as far as I know.

Boots20 Wed 20-Nov-19 23:50:04

You're not a bridesmaid, she probably wants you in the same colour as the bridal party for the photos you will be in whilst escorting the kids down the aisle. Just a guess though

Celticrose Wed 20-Nov-19 23:50:04

I am from the UK and flew out to North America for the wedding

Seeingadistance Wed 20-Nov-19 23:51:00

What’s a rehearsal dinner?

chouflour Wed 20-Nov-19 23:51:02

I’m being told what to wear and where to get ready and asked to walk down the aisle with bridal party. Not that dissimilar to bridesmaid!

chardonm Wed 20-Nov-19 23:51:50

What does your DB say in all this!

SaveTheTreesPlease Wed 20-Nov-19 23:53:15

She sounds a massive PITA. Good luck to your DB, OP! I’d politely decline.

ShippingNews Wed 20-Nov-19 23:56:04

You wouldn't need to be at the rehearsal because you're not a bridesmaid. So you don't have to go to the rehearsal dinner.

You're being asked to wear that colour so you fit in with the people who are in the bridal party, I suppose.

I checked a Canadian wedding site and they said this about rehearsal dinner guests -

Who should be invited?

Anyone involved in the preparations, like the wedding party and parents, should be invited to the dinner, but many brides choose to invite out of town guests or additional family members as a thoughtful gesture “It is more common to have a longer guest list these days, which can include extended family, close friends and out of town guests,”

Lindy2 Wed 20-Nov-19 23:58:02

Will there be any children at the rehearsal dinner? If not are you being deliberately missed off because they don't want your children there for the dinner?

You're not a bridesmaid but you are the groom's sister so it is really rude not to have you at the dinner. Especially as you are travelling so far.

It seems like your children are just required to look nice on the day for photos/cuteness but nothing else.

NoHummus Wed 20-Nov-19 23:59:03

I think I would withdraw my childrens' services in this situation, OP. Wear what you like and sit with your kids in the audience/congregation, it'll be much less stressful.

plightofthealbatross Thu 21-Nov-19 00:04:41

I'd actually send my regrets and not attend. Why drag your family across the ocean on an expensive trip to attend your brother's wedding where you've been asked to wear a certain colour to 'blend' with the wedding party ... only you can't attend the rehearsal dinner with family. How unwelcome and unwanted can you be made to feel?! ... You're just there to help with the cute photo op that the bride wants. No thanks.

Talk to your brother if you feel you have to go. Pull the girls out of the wedding, tell him you're hurt, and you'll all be wearing clothes of your own choosing since you've been made to feel this way. He's let you down by allowing his fiancee to treat you this way.

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